Tuesday, January 27, 2004
2002 Leave of Absence
Two or three years back I took a break from school. I was tired of everything.
They say your years in high school would determine the outcome of your future. If you get into a prestigious college then, lots of opportunities would open up for you.
I got accepted to the college I wanted, at this time I idolized my elder brother and pursued to get into the college he was attending. I even took the course he was on.
It was all for not, on my second year of the second semester of college, I shifted course. I finally got around to accept that I can’t be like him and with that, I grew rapidly as a person.
My first year of college was one of the best times in my life. Bigger allowance, I could stay out late and party, taste of alcohol, road trips, met new friends that are influential in my life today and my first love.
My close friends from college: we’ve been through one hell of a ride these past years. When one is in need, without hesitation, we’d go ahead and do what we can. You could say that we’ve been through a lot more of challenges than joyful moments. However, with that said, our bond of friendship is strong if not, tight. And yes, there were arguments and miss-comings but, we’ve seen past through that and we take pride of our friendship.
As I stated earlier, I took a leave of absence from school two or three years back because I was tired. I played a lot of hooky during my first few years in college and got on probation because of my grades, it wasn’t meeting the required minimum. Determined not be dismissed from school, the following year, I studied intensely. I succeeded, however, it took a lot out of me.
At this year, the time I studied intensely, I rarely socialized and on my free time I played at computer rental shops, I was a drone. I have to say that I regretted to have played at those shop, I spent a lot of money needlessly.
And so, I was on “vacation” after the probation status was lifted, the following school year. I had questions in me that I wanted answered, I was still devastated with my break up from my first love and it’s been two years since we parted. Also, I was determined to find out what I wanted in my life, what I was to do after graduation, who am I fully as a person and so on.
I didn’t answer all the above questions at once and for some of it, it took me years to answer. That’s why it’s only till now I’m graduating. I was afraid of concluding the chapter of my college life.
During my break, I stayed at home all the time. On occasion I found myself staring blankly at the wall of my bedroom thinking, reminiscing and accepting events that happened because it was beyond me.
At first, I remembered regrets and mistakes I’ve done through the years and I was remorseful. Man, was I remorseful…
Secondly, after awhile I began to remember good things, acts that I did that benefited and helped people: lent a helping hand, listened to their woes, being there for them when they had a crisis, be it love life or family. After recollection, I felt sudden gushes of relief in me and, it helped me move on to the next step.
Third, I set a lot of difficult and on occasion obscene challenges. I’m not going to mention any obscene challenges however, I’m going to mention one challenge: I didn’t utter a single word for a week and I didn’t communicate by any means to anyone, be it a person or a pet and I succeeded. My reason for doing such acts was for me to further develop self-discipline and determination.
Lastly, I took into account my miss-comings and tackle them to change for the better. Having accomplished previous tasks I made for myself, I felt confident I could change for the better, not instantly mind you, but in due time.
posted by vinz @ 1:14 PM
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Friday, January 23, 2004
Meandering Thoughts episode 2
Five days passed by… Tired of the day’s activities I find myself out in the evening wallowing at the obsidian sky. I sit here and I find myself meandering yet again…
I am one who accepts his fault and would apologize if need be. There is no pride for me when one realizes he is at fault. Vividly I remember I committed an act that supposedly would end a friendship. The gist of the reproach was about a lady. Surmise to say, I learned a lot of things from the experience at different perspectives.
The first and foremost point I comprehended was that my friendship is more important than any woman I’m interested in and my friendship with that person I betrayed was more important than any woman. I gained in time his trust and the tie we had was knotted and imbued with greater strength. I’ll never falter again and I’ll be there for him if need be.
Second and lastly, the lady involved in this issue, we didn’t become a couple. She went steady with another guy. The lesson learned and attained here was a little over after a year, at this time I had a girlfriend and little by little I understood her (the lady involved) side. There are certain things that you thought wouldn’t turn you off but they did and perhaps you knew deep down inside she isn’t meant for me. Then, you realize that your searching and entertaining thoughts that what if her friend or this lady you just met was the one you courted instead, would the events that came to pass happen? And with that conclusion you can’t bare to speak those 3 words your girlfriend keeps on telling you over and over again, and for her each repetition you notice the pain within it, begging you to say those 3 words and erase all doubts that’s been piling up inside her. However, you can’t and you finally break up with her, in mind, that you did the right thing instead of living out a lie that could lead both of you to a greater karma.
posted by vinz @ 3:36 PM
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Saturday, January 17, 2004
Meandering Thoughts
Five hours… it’s been five hours since the incident and I can’t sleep. Too many questions running through my mind and why must it bother me? I don’t know her that well, and the time we spent together was a little over a couple of months… and yet I can’t stop thinking about it.
I should’ve taken up their offer and met with the inevitable. I didn’t and perhaps, I was scared of what I was to face: could it be that she’s with another guy possibly, her new boyfriend? Could it be that she’s pissed off at me for what I’ve acted during the last few weeks of contact? Could it be that she’ll just ignore me when I do meet up with them… I sound too pessimistic and I can’t help myself for this is what one feels.
Come to think of it, I’ll be leaving in a couple of months and why did I bother take the time and effort? The answer to that question is simply because it was my nature: take the opportunity for what you believe inside you is true.
The first week of summer I’ll be off and my five-year plan for my future commences: which was to start a small business my trusted friends and I have been planning all through out last summer. All the nitty-gritty details have been taken care off; we take one step at a time. Hopefully by the year 2006 we’ll all be successful businessmen with the other ventures in mind to have been well established.
Still, I can’t stop myself thinking about her, is it due to the fact that she’s a beauty? Or could it be how she carries herself? And yet all these inane questions running through my mind come to one simple answer: no. It’s something deeper, a connection that it seems only I regretfully felt. So, how could it be a connection then? And my mind yet again wanders and states that I should forget about her and the goals that I’ve set must be attained at all costs.
In spite of this distress I’ve never failed to turn it for the better. All vent up negative emotions I try and turn it to something productive. With that in mind I meander and suspect that could it be that I purposely if not unconsciously lead myself to such demise in order for me to do a productive task, for me to be driven and/or motivated?
posted by vinz @ 6:11 PM
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