Who I Am

I've deleted the last post. As I reread it I realized how negative it was. I don't want to be a negative person...even if in the moment I was feeling that way. So, I'm going to try this again.

In sophomore choir we sang a song from the musical Jekyll and Hyde. It's stuck with me all these years partly because it had a very pretty melody and partly because it fit with me. The song is "No One Knows Who I Am". The title said it all. I felt like a sham. I didn't know who I was, where I fit in, and I lacked the confidence that so many others seemed to possess. I wanted to be who others thought I was, who I believed I could be, but who I felt far from at times.

It was during my high school years that I started on the track of knowing who I was, a track that I believe may actually last a lifetime. I felt like I was my real self in seminary, the me that I really wanted to be, the place where I felt confident and I could be myself. It's where I developed my testimony.

Life throws all sorts of twists and turns along our paths, and many of my trials have shaken my confidence...I feel my weaknesses float to the top and my strengths sink to the bottom and I doubt nearly everything about myself. I have the awful habit of feeling like I own the corner lot on trials. Sometimes I just don't want to be strong. Sometimes I just want the trials to go away. Let me be weak. Let me cry. And a lot of the time I am just that...a weak cry baby.

Through a series of events I was led to some online workshops by Matt Townsend. I have currently lost focus on everything I learned in these workshops, but last night the Spirit brought them back to the forefront of my mind. The workshops were called Ego vs Essence. Though not taught in a religious setting, the spirit confirmed the truth of what was taught. Ego = Natural Man; Essence = Spirit/Divine Self. The battle between being our true selves and being natural is ongoing.

Who am I?

My  true identity is not defined by my children, spouse, home, job, outward appearance, abilities or inabilities. It is not based on education, titles, money, or talents. It is not defined by the choices, successes or failures of my children, myself, or my spouse.

Remember Job? I think of him when I think of this. If I lost everything...absolutely everyone and everything in my life, who would I be? Am I basing my happiness on others and their choices? Am I basing my hope and peace in life on reaching earthly milestones?

My identity should only be driven from my essence...my true self, my divinity.

Who I am:

I am a daughter of the most high God, who loves me (and knows who I really am)

And I love Him.

When I know who I am I am able to see more clearly who others really are. Not by their positions or possessions. And not by their choices or behaviors. When I remember this and then live it, my attitudes and actions are driven out of my essence.

I am a daughter of God, serving sons and daughters of God.

Our Baptized Cub Scout who's also a 2nd Grader

On August 9th Jaxon turned 8! Seriously hard to believe it's been that long, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

 

 This picture shows exactly how Ryker feels about his big brother. It is one of my favorites! They are such good friends and Ryker looks up to Jaxon so much. He is a great example for Ryker to follow :)

 We all went to the Sparetime Fun Center for Jaxon's birthday. We played arcade games, mini golf, bowling, and the inflatables. We had the whole center pretty much to ourselves and we had a great time.

 Turning 8 means Jaxon is now a Cub Scout! The Raingutter Regata was the August Pack Meeting. Jaxon designed his boat and Brian helped him put it together.

 Here he is being sworn in (is that what it's called?) saying the Cub Scout oath with the Cub Master.

 He had a such a great time racing his boat. He has awesome scout leaders and he loves going each week. This Thursday at pack meeting he will be getting his Bobcat :)

On September 1st, Jaxon was baptized a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

It was a wonderful day and the spirit was so strong. We had family and good friends come to support Jaxon and we felt so blessed to have them there.

 Being baptized was definitely Jaxon's decision and one that he thought and prayed about for months. On the first Sunday of August Brian had to work so he wasn't in church with us. Taylee was, well, being Taylee :) so I took her out into the foyer and told Jaxon to stay with Ryker. While I was out there I heard someone that sounded a lot like Jaxon bearing his testimony. After I went back inside the chapel he asked me if I had heard him. I was so proud of him! He said that he just felt like he should bear his testimony so he took Ryker by the hand, walked to the pulpit, bore his testimony of the scriptures, and then he and Ryker walked back to their seats. Neither Brian nor I were there to see him, but we were both so touched by the spirit of this young man. It is quite the honor to raise such a valiant son of God.

It rained pretty hard after the baptism and during the dinner with our families. After it stopped raining Jaxon spotted a double rainbow outside. He thought it was especially cool because the baptism song says "I like to look for rainbows". It was the icing on the cake to an already incredible day.

Jaxon started 2nd grade this year!

There is a special place in my heart for 2nd grade and I'm so excited to share this year with him :)

Outside his classroom, excited and nervous...

At his desk with the "Mom! Please just leave!" plea :)

His teacher is fantastic and he is doing really well. It's been exciting to see his love of reading grow. Now that he can choose the books he reads, he has really found the joy in reading. It's so fun to listen to him laughing out loud as he reads, or to share interesting information with me. We found a book at the store this past weekend and he immediately started reading. Brian got after him for reading as he walked through the parking lot...I believe reading and walking is about as dangerous as texting and walking ;)