Equalizer 2000

Equalizer 2000

Philippines – 1987

Director – Cirio Santiago

MGM/UA Home Video, 1987,VHS

Run Time – 1 hour 25 minutes.

I’m going to spend a little time with the cover of Equalizer 2000 here because no matter now old I get and how many times I “fall for it” I will always be a sucker for this kind of box. I’m also a sucker for films with a number in the title and especially (I know, we’re getting real esoteric here) numbers that are round thousands. They practically scream out “The future is going to be awesome! Come see!” And especially when the date in question has already passed by the time I see the film. That’s how I picked this movie. From the cover of Equalizer 2000, a cover which I might add is one of the most amazing pieces of modern pop-art ever created, one immediately assumes it’s going to be about Richard Norton and his breasts. The painting (because this was originally painted, by a person, with a brush) perfectly captures the look of slightly melancholy disinterest which, from Gymkata (1985) to Road House 2 (2006), Norton consistently brings to his performances. I realize that’s just how his face is shaped, but it is beautifully captured here and perfectly suited to this film. So intimidating and so confident is he that this whole endeavor is quite literally boring. So too does the woman at his side appear nonplussed by the battle that’s just begun in both word and deed on the cover. She is after all sheltered by the considerable bulk of Norton and his tool. In fact, she almost looks tired. Like a Southern California roller-skate waitress who’s been working all day and just wants you to quit staring at her chest and order your fucking burgers. Her boyfriend is here now and you are sooo not interesting.



But this movie isn’t really about Richard Norton or breasts. It’s not Richard Norton’s undeniable physical prowess which is the subject of that line on the back of the box. He is not the ultimate weapon although you would be excused for thinking so. No, the entire movie, from the title to the endless squabbling of the plot is about that rifle-grenade-launcher, rocket-launcher, laser, shotgun he’s carrying. That is the Equalizer, and they’re hanging a hell of a lot on that weapon. After some kind of apocalypse the world has been reduced to a parched desert landscape marked intermittently only by the cardboard and canvas forts of scattered scavenger cliques. Norton however, known here as Slade (the most popular boys name after the apocalypse it would seem) is a roving unaligned loner. As various

factions attack and defend against other factions, Slade is wounded and rescued by Karen who drives them back to her “good” guys. It is here that Slade discovers them welding a bunch of extra barrels onto an M-16. Upon completion Slade simply takes it. No one argues. Karen (Corrine Wahl) stares longingly at Slade. More assaults follow and the Equalizer changes hands several times until the “good” guys win and Slade drives off into the sunset to be alone with his thoughts. The purpose of this presumably is to build tension as “the ultimate weapon” tilts the delicate balance of post-apocalyptic society one way, then another. It doesn’t.

For as badass as it may be, the Equalizer is lost in the political squabbling that poses as this film’s “action,” its result as predictable as it is tedious. Corrine Wahl, nee Alphen does hang lustily upon Slade’s body, but from afar, with her eyes. She’s come a long way from Hot T-Shirts after all. In his second screen role ever, Robert Patrick makes an appearance as a minor character. His first film had been Santiago’s supremely nutty Future Hunters in which he starred as "Slade" with the supporting talents of, you guessed it, Richard Norton who looked predictably bored. Further lifting the costumes straight from Bobby Suarez’s Warrior’s of the Apocalypse, Equalizer 2000 discards the drug addled lunacy of both earlier films in favor of a monotonous back and forth exchange of small arms fire. Cheap Filipino post apocalypse films could hardly be more different. Slade and Karen’s thousand yard stares on that gorgeous cover would seem to be more disappointment than confidence.

For the box completist...

Yor: The Hunter From the Future

Yor: The Hunter from the Future

Italy, 1983

Director – Antonio Margheriti

RCA/Columbia Home Entertainment, VHS, 1983

Run Time - 1 hour, 28 minutes 

We first posted Yor's nifty tab/flap RCA box way back HERE, but it seemed time to give it a more thorough treatment and by chance, our friends over at Ed's Pop Culture Shack did the same thing....

Not content merely to skim the profits off the still cooling carcass of the sword and sandal cum caveman cycle, Italian director Anthony M. Dawson or Antonio Margheriti as he was sometimes known, decided to weave his ridiculous half-baked story arc into another popular genre, this one culled from the tattered edges of an epic space opera franchise that would later be consumed by a giant evil mouse.



Utilizing the last-minute-generic change of heart for which the Italians held a peculiar affection, Dawson does his countryman and contemporary Bruno Mattei one better by filming a kind of what-if version of Planet of the Apes in which Taylor hits his head during the crash and wanders the planet searching for his identity. (The opening scenes of Beneath the Planet of the Apes suggest that this is precisely what happened since the first film.) Of course, its nearly twenty years and four sequels late, but so were Yor’s special effects, resembling more the homemade, rubber-bat stylings of another late sixties sci-fi television franchise than anything out of the relatively more technological 80’s.


But that’s par for the course with Yor. Even the man behind the mullet-wig, Reb Brown himself was a couple of decades out of step, detouring through European cinema just like Bronson, Eastwood and others did when jobs were scarce in the States. Again though, that was in the late sixties, and those guys had comebacks in the 70's and 80’s when tough-guys were in style along with the president. So those jobs weren’t scarce in the 80’s, Reb just never had what it took to be a tough guy. He’s hard not to love as the scenery-chewing whatever he’s playing, but in spite of his paucity of emotion, he’s simply too cuddly to cut it. His jaunt across the screen as Captain America in the 70’s being perhaps his most memorable domestic role, was nevertheless laughable because the guy lacked the steely ex-paratrooper chutzpa that the character demanded. That’s probably why they deliberately wrote him as the son of the original Captain; plausible deniability.

Yep, its Luciano Pigozzi, the old guy from ExY3K

So too is Reb as Yor, way, and I mean waaaaaaayyyyyyy behind the times. Ostensibly a caveman in the Fiction-olithic era, the film opens with a bang, but quickly devolves into a monotonous whine. By the end we discover that indeed, like its better known simian predecessor, Yor’s planet shared the same fate, and a present that looks like the past is actually a dystopian, post-nuke future. By now, precisely thirty years after Yor’s release in the States it would be superfluous to describe or validate the film, nor do I feel masochistic enough to try. Others have already done so, and better. People familiar with the type of product Margheriti produces, Last Hunter, Cannibal Apocalypse, will not be surprised by Yor’s rambling, sleep-inducing middle act. For the blissfully ignorant in search of something so-bad-it’s-good (as I was, many years ago when I found Yor,) it should be noted that euphemism is highly subjective. Legendary among fans of bad and Italian and particularly bad-Italian, which is a distinct flavor, Yor represents a particular depth of ridiculously inept filmmaking. I can think of other shitty movies that I enjoy more, but few that try so hard.

This French poster art comes courtesy of www.golobthehumanoid.com. I could be wrong, but it looks very much as if it was painted by master comics artist Philippe Druillet.

Other image credits from top:

That's my VHS box

She Blogged by Night

University of Alaska Southeast

Naturalistic, Uncanny Marvelous

 

Lone Runner

Lone Runner

Italy - 1986

Director - Ruggero Deodato

Media Home Entertainment, 1989, VHS

Run Time - 1 hour 23 minutes

Predating 1987's Swayze soaked sleeper Steel Dawn by a full year, Lone Runner confirms (because I saw it second of the two films) that after the apocalypse there will be a big demand for metrosexual hair styles. Of course that's entirely because the 80's were so damned awesome that the future, even if it's a post-apocalyptic one, will be just like the 80's. When society falls to its knees only heroes will have designer sculpted stubble.

Last time I found myself at the short end of the Deodato stick was back in 1968's Phenomenal, but Lone Runner offers a strong challenge for supremacy of the bummer pile. Fortunately, Deodato had the good sense to kindof remake it a year later, or at least re-imagine it in a far more entertaining way with 1987's Barabarians. I've seen my share of post-apocalypses, even Italian post-apocalypses (the best kind), and to be honest, most of them are pretty lame. Lone Runner's robed nuke-mutants and endless wandering can't be any worse than She Wolves of the Wasteland right?

I feel like I should give Lone Runner another chance just to be fair, but the memory is such a disappointment that I'm not sure I can muster it. Perhaps it's one of those films that is a drag the first time because you have such high hopes that the crash is all the more profound. Next time I'll be ready for you Lone Runner, next time your stupidity will be fun.

Steel Dawn

Steel Dawn

United States - 1987

Director - Lance Hool

Vestron Video, 1988, VHS

Run Time - 1 hour, 42 minutes

This Swayze classic was filmed in Namibia and directed by Mexican producer Lance Hool who was behind a number of Charles Bronson pictures in the same era. The plot of 1998's Kurt Russel feature Soldier bears some resemblance to that of Steel Dawn.

TC 2000

TC 2000

United States – 1993

Director – T. J. Scott

MCA/Universal Home Video, 1999, VHS

Run Time – 1 hour, 39 minutes

When I think of dystopian near-future scenarios, Toronto is definitely one of the first places to cross my mind as the ideal setting. What major metropolitan area is more evocative of a sun-scorched and toxic post-apocalyptic environment than the largest city in Canada? I can already see what will happen… The rich white folks will hide underground and name their new exclusive community “Underworld”, leaving all the brown people on the surface to be ravaged by an epidemic martial arts plague which causes chronic competitions and terminal sparring. Subjected to repeated raids by these mud races, Underworld will evolve into a highly militarized society based on retro technology from the 70’s.

It's like a speech bubble that says "radical" right there on his head.

In order to evade charges of overt racism which is totally uncool in future-Canada, they will employ a token negro to lead their defense against the surface, Jason Storm (Billy fuckin’ Blanks) who sports a haircut that screams “the future will be awesome” even more than hoverboards and robot vacuum-cleaners combined. (Neither of which, sadly, will appear in this dystopia.) However, when it becomes clear that the relationship with his white partner, Zoey Kinsella is more than just professional, Underworld’s leadership will concoct a quick justification for preventing the consummation of such a taboo relationship. It sounds far-fetched, even paranoid I know, but like the cosmetics stockpiles of which the surface hordes will generously avail themselves, even miscegenation taboos will miraculously survive the pre-opening-credit apocalypse of TC 2000.

In order to make the final cleansing of Underworld seem totally not about race or anything like that, Zoey will be gunned down during a raid. Storm will be blamed as a traitor and replaced with Teutonic Ubermensch Mathias Hues, which would make perfect sense. In order to render their union permanently unconsumable, Storm will be “totally deprogrammed” and Zoey more than likely turned into a cyborg. Of course, no female-super-death-bot would be complete, or futuristic enough without a cheap vinyl hooker outfit and a menacing acronym, probably something along the lines of TC 2000-X. It will be the pinnacle of post-apocalyptic military science, merging a beautiful woman’s body with the finest in modern cybernetic killing technology all for the purpose of beating up some raggedy-ass extras.

Despite, or perhaps because of the epidemic spread of combat drills, the aboveground survivors will unite under the reluctant guidance of Jason Storm who might conceivably band together with a reluctant and quiet, but astonishingly powerful kung-fu master named Sumai (Bolo Yeung). With luck, Underworld might have forgotten to take the emotion and/or memory parts out of Zoey’s brain potentially causing her to return to the proverbial “dark side”. Compared to all the other hypothetical dystopian near-future scenarios out there, it doesn’t look like things will really be all that different in Toronto. But hey, I’m just guessing.



Trailer via Yangsze @ Youtoob

Future Force

 

Future Force

United States - 1988

Director - David A. Prior

Worldvision Home Video, 1993, VHS

Run Time - 1 hour, 30 minutes

(also starring Robert Tessier of Starcrash)

I have never fully understood the cult popularity of David Carradine. I see it being related to him as himself, the David Carradine persona that developed later in his career, rather than any outstanding ability. I have always appreciated Carradine as a litmus test for the quality of film I prefer, something that in my opinion changed for the worse as his cult status grew. Carradine’s name on a film virtually guarantees that it is going to be a laughable piece of shit, but I for one am alright with that. What? You thought I was being critical of this whole situation? I actually appreciate it because it makes a shitty movie so much more enjoyably ludicrous when David Carradine is in there trying to be a badass or tough guy character that he clearly isn’t. It wasn’t until he stopped “acting”, when he began being cast simply as David Carradine, that he started to get boring.

Future Force is a case in point. Carradine operates as the lead in a movie in which he is clearly outclassed in nearly every way by the supporting characters. Together they are all members of C.O.P.S., or the Civilian Operated Police Systems, which as we are all aware is what the police already are. However, in the opening narration we are told that just before the beginning of the film the C.O.P.S. pulled society back from the brink of violent social collapse. In the not-too-distant dystopian 1991 of Future Force, the near-unraveling and subsequent reconstitution of society facilitated by C.O.P.S. has erased any memory of the pre-apocalyptic public law enforcement you and I know. In 1991, that shit is a novelty worthy of acronymic boasting.

Yeah well, who does your hair?

Yet closer inspection of this visual smorgasbord reveals little evidence of any recent social calamity. In fact, the disorder which the C.O.P.S. are ostensibly there to deter repeatedly finds them at its center. In the background, society appears to be functioning quite normally and without any apparent need or even awareness of the C.O.P.S. existence. Their interaction with the peripheral public at large consists primarily of blatantly contradicting their stated mission to “police” or to be “civilian operated”. Furthermore, the C.O.P.S. are a spicy blend of typically "anti-establishment" social stereotypes including but not limited to punks, bikers and rednecks with a dash of leatherman thrown in there for fun. Considering the hard evidence then, C.O.P.S. is looking more like a roving band of undesirables than pillars of the community. So actually, this whole narrative explanation sounds remarkably like a story C.O.P.S. themselves concocted to excuse their dysfunctional behavior.

"I'm tired, where's craft services?"

Amongst the various muscular, mulleted and teeth-grindingly macho members of the C.O.P.S. is one graying skinny guy with a potbelly and a bowlcut. His name is Tucker (indeed, Carradine), and while the rest of the “force” usually carries modern assault rifles, he comes equipped with a six shooter and a blank stare. Despite this totally insignificant disparity in physical attributes, Tucker is the master of every situation he finds himself in. When a new mission comes in he is the first C.O.P. to be called on, and when he becomes the target of his fellow “officers” he out-everythings every single one of his beefy, grunting rivals.

We can begin to see now why the acronym doesn’t match the reality. The complete lack of “social chaos” outside the immediate vicinity of the C.O.P.S. themselves reveals the premise as an elaborate live action role playing game set in a near-future dystopian fantasy realm as imagined by the P.C.s. (Player Characters) Furthermore, Tucker uses the videophone in his Jeep Cherokee to speak with his friend Billy, a kid in a wheelchair who runs the C.O.P.S. central computer system. Billy provides Tucker with secret super weapons and all the information he needs to defeat and/or evade the other C.O.P.S. Thus Tucker's inexplicable “superiority” over his obvious betters in this context is revealed; he is in collusion with the G.M. (Game Master) and is what they call in role-playing parlance, a “cheater”.

Wanted: For taking all the fun out of the game.

Spacehunter: Adventures In the Forbidden Zone

Spacehunter

United States - 1983

Director - Lamont Johnson

Columbia Pictures, 2001, DVD

Run Time - 1 hour, 30 minutes

Here's a little DVD interlude simply because I'm watching a fun and somewhat forgotten movie that I wanted to pass along. I'll drop a few posters to make it legit.

Spacehunter has the Buck-Rogers style epic serial story arc that was re-popularized by Spielberg and Lucas and ran rampant through the 80's. It most closely resembles a PG mutant offspring of Beyond Thunderdome and Aliens and even more "mature" fantasy titles like Gwendoline (released a year later.) Spacehunter manages despite a slightly derivative story to be an effective combination of space-adventure and post-apocalypse narratives that is quite entertaining.
Remarkably, what it lacks in plot originality and  "mature situations", is more than made up for by visuals, from set design to vehicle design to costumes which make Spacehunter an awesome and satisfying surprise. It's such a visually beautiful film that I originally thought it must be more modern, my first guess was early 90's, but it was made a decade earlier during my favorite period in American film. This is the first I had ever heard of it, probably because it was so similar to other contemporary films in narrative content that it was buried, and forgotten (at least by me) but it's much more entertaining than this would lead you to believe, in fact, it's fantastic.
I picked up a copy of Spacehunter: Adventures In the Forbidden Zone from Netflix, after which I immediately bought it, but you can also watch all of it on YouTube in multiple segments.

Poster at the top is from Moviegoods, this poster is from Wrong Side of the Art.

Exterminators of the Year 3000

Exterminators of the Year 3000

Italy – 1983

Director – Giuliano Carnimeo

Thorn EMI Video, 198?, VHS

Run Time – 1 hour, 41 minutes

Many years ago, before I had fully grasped the breadth of Italian exploitation cinema, every visit to the video store was an exciting suspenseful event. The moments of jubilation have thinned out a bit over the years, coming less and less often the more movies I see, but they’re still there. Often, when digging through the archive, I can re-live some of those moments with my old Italian friends.

Much attention has been recently and deservedly shined upon Enzo Castellari’s awesome 1982 film New Barbarians here and here, or Warriors of the Wasteland as it is sometimes called. The unexpected grab-bag of plot elements in that film are pretty stunning when you first see them. On subsequent viewings one can only wonder if such odd and shocking choices were intentional or incidental. It really is quite an experience, but for me it came several years after seeing another movie that really blew my mind. As a result I can only compare New Barbarians, and frankly any other Italian post-apocalypse film somewhat unfavorably with Giuliano Carnimeo’s 1983 cheap epic Exterminators of the Year 3000 (Gli sterminatori dell’anno 3000, or ExY3K)

Before my exposure to this film I’d had no idea that the Italians had ripped off anything other than horror movies and westerns. By “ripped off” I mean of course, “made much more entertaining”, but ExY3K was a revelation that opened the door to a whole new realm of dizzy anticipation. Exterminators runs with the random, ad-hoc style that typifies Italian narrative, and sets it to classic low-quality Italian synthesizer (from Detto Mariano.) When one character plays the theme on his harmonica, no attempt is made to simulate a harmonica sound on the audio track. It is as crudely dubbed and instantly recognizable as the English voices from any number of Italian movies and makes me feel like I’ve known these people through the thick and thin of their lives. From the zombie onslaughts to the bank robberies, to the desperate hand to hand combat in the nuclear wasteland.

"Once more into the breach you mothergrabbers!" Crazy Bull and his lieutenant oversee some extermination.

The antagonist of Exterminators is Crazy Bull who speaks in Shakespearean English, including one-liners literally lifted straight from the Bard’s plays. He constantly refers to his henchmen as “mothergrabbers,” though they should in fact be properly addressed as “The Exterminators.” Their namesake is Crazy Bull’s oddly titled car, The Exterminator which, mass and velocity aside, carries no offensive capabilities. This car, clearly at the center of the films whole naming scheme, is pure enigma and serves only to keep the covetous Crazy Bull and his gang circling the protagonists like a pack of wolves.

Those protagonists are largely unsympathetic and underdeveloped save two, Tommy the little kid and Papillon the elderly ex-astronaut. Tommy and Papillon bond over the former's completely unexplained “biomechanical” arm and Papillon’s stash of vintage pull-tab Miller High-Life and Tecate beers. While he claims he can no longer even remember how to get to the moon, Papillon has no trouble repairing, and even adding custom modifications to Tommy’s robo-limb. Tommy eagerly swills Papillon’s beer as an anesthetic, while the old guy works his magic and reminisces about the good old days. This relationship is the intoxicating golden nugget around which the rest of the film lazily swirls, giving us a brief glimpse of the world as it was, is, and can be. The other two protagonists are aptly named to describe their place in this circular story arc; Alien and Trash. They are solitary opportunists, but the characters with whom the viewer ultimately identifies, for they are the ones who have the coolest costumes and the transformative experience, ably guided by the optimism and promise of Tommy and Papillon.

Biomechanical arm plus Tecate equals awesome!

Most post-apocalypse story arcs adhere to some sort of heavy handed morality. The Italians however prefer to pile on the fun stuff like they were punk kids making a movie from a box of “cool parts.” What’s good about ExY3K is it manages to play that ridiculous combination with absolute sincerity, even ending it with an ironic twist that makes the entire narrative basically pointless. It is a surprise worthy of any Bruno Mattei film. It is an artifact of an era when exploitation cinema was white-hot and the Italians were ready at the video forge. If I could construct a post-apocalypse world all my own, these things would be happening in what remained of southern Italy at the same time that Max was roaming Oz.

This nice Roadshow Home Video sleeve is from Rolfens DVD of Denmark.

This Medusa Home Video sleeve comes from Post-Apocalypse.co.uk

Here's the Exterminators of The Year 3000 trailer courtesy of AussieRoadshow

Some low-rez alternate sleeves from the US and Greece respectively

The Quiet Earth

The Quiet Earth

New Zealand – 1985

Director – Geoff Murphy

CBS/FOX Video, 1986, VHS

Run Time – 1 hour, 31 minutes

This may be the first post-apocalypse film in which the apocalypse isn’t cataclysmic, at least not in the nuclear holocaust/return of Christ sense. Although it does in fact begin immediately post-apocalypse, for some time it is not clear that there was in fact an apocalypse at all. This key question persists for the entire film; was there an apocalypse, and if so what was it? Here our protagonist (Bruno Lawrence) simply wakes up in the morning to find a world devoid of people. All of them have simply vanished at the same time, in the middle of whatever it was they were doing at that instant; flying aircraft, driving, crapping, making coffee. He proceeds to go very nearly ape-shit.

But is there ever a post-apocalypse movie that doesn’t succumb to the need for secondary characters? Is there any film about isolation or solitude that doesn’t? Once our protagonist meets a woman, Joanne, and then another man, one can’t help but shake the feeling that this is supposed to be a subtle sci-fi sociology lesson. Being the only three people on Earth reduces them to a primitive uncivilized survival situation, a textbook experiment in inter-gender socialization. The woman is a vacillating opportunist, looking for the best deal and changing her mind on a moment by moment basis. The rest is a philosophical and/or psychological lesson about the duality of man. Does the intellectual archetype offer the most attractive options for the future, or is it the physical, warrior type? Which is the true apocalypse; the potential disaster of scientific achievement, or the violent barbarity of hierarchical tribalism? The whole thing begs the further intriguing question; how do you define apocalypse?

Here's The Quiet Earth trailer from TkrB via YouTube. While you're there, check out the Saturn rising sequence, it's cool.

Escape 2000

Escape 2000

Australia - 1981

Director - Brian Trenchard- Smith

Embassy Home Entertainment, 1983, VHS

Run Time - 1 hour, 20 minutes

I'm not entirely sure why, but it may be the alternate title for Escape 2000, "Turkey Shoot" which has garnered it attention on several different blogs at this particular time of year. Primarily I would like to point out The Scandy Factory's nice writeup of a Turkey Shoot DVD which includes some cool video clips (his box scan is also much nicer than mine.) I picked up this tape years ago on the merits of its cover art, realizing only later that Smith directed numerous other awesome B-movies that I already knew, most notably Siege of Firebase Gloria.

Years ago I initially began recording my impressions of films on VHS (call them reviews if you like) because I wanted to remember the forgettable details that connected them; no-name actors, voice actors, stolen music etc. An interesting factoid about Escape 2000 that has always brought a smile to my face is that the monologue recited by Steve Railsback in his pirate radio truck at the beginning of the movie, is sampled by the militant Islamic Wu-Tang spinoff group Killarmy on their 1998 sophmore album Dirty Weaponry. It apears in the breakdown of the third song, "5 Stages of Consciousness."
So there ya go, obscure history in music and film collide once again.

This poster comes from IMPAwards

A Thai poster I got from Bearded Movie Afficionado, and another from a retail site.

Australian DVD cover from Flinders Students.

Warriors of the Apocalypse

This has got to be some of the coolest box art ever, not just because I'm a shallow heterosexual man, but because it is epic and looks like it should be airbrushed on the hood of a lowrider. Courtesy of C.W. Taylor.

Warriors of the Apocalypse

Philippines – 1985

Director – Bobby A. Suarez

Lightning Video, 1987, VHS

Run time – 1 hour, 28 minutes

It is profoundly amusing to me that there is such a distinct connection between post-apocalypse films and the iconic heavy metal band Judas Priest. This is in large part due to a common design aesthetic of the time popularized by Priest’s frontman Rob Halford. Thanks to the tough guy image of heavy metal and bikers, spikes and leather became symbolic of rebellion and would only upon later revelation assume its distinctly ironic caste. Warriors of the Apocalypse takes this not-so-coincidental association so far into the realm of mythology that it defies belief.

The only survivors of the nuclear holocaust are an intrepid tribe of Leathermen led by a rugged and glistening bear named Trapper. Emerging from the desert wastelands half starved and dehydrated from weeks of marching, the Leathermen embark on a longshot quest to make the world into a fantasy-metal headbangers paradise.
Their first mission is to secure a steady supply of righteous eats and cool fresh water. To do this they employ the assistance of a permed Asian man who promises to lead them to the Magic Mountain.
Their epic quest is interrupted however by a tribe of Guinean pygmies. When they are cut down by the Leathermen’s eager gunfire the pygmies resurrect each other and attack again; and are gunned down and resurrect each other. Finally they return with reinforcements; Norwegian amazons in Bo-Derek wigs. Their mere appearance (and impressive marksmanship) robs the Leathermen of any will to fight and they are quickly captured. The band are dragged to prison in the Pygmazon village which features its own giant Maya pyramid and evil bikini queen.

If your mind is a little bit blown by all this wacky genre mixing, you’re not the only one. Upon escaping from the skull-cave-jail-with-electronic-spaceship-style-bars and fleeing into the jungle, the Leathermen take a pause to de-compress all the insane sensory input with some of the local toke-ables. Needless to say this leads to their prompt recapture.

I’ll admit I’m having a hard time not just synopsizing every insane element of the entire plot. It is too mindboggling to make real sense of, and it only gets stranger from here on out. An extended fertility ritual, a nuclear power plant operated by lepers, and a climactic eye-laser and secret rock-throne weapons-console-battle all lead to the sudden ascension of the Leathermen to a position of metal-sovereignty over the Amazonian groupies and pygmy roadies. Coupled with the radical absurdity of Cirio Santiago’s equally post-apoc and amazon laced Future Hunters, Warriors of the Apocalypse further compounds my belief that Filippino films are just awesome fucking nuts. Even if I’m not quite sure that the plot is linear in the traditional sense of the word, it is definitely memorable. Just ask these guys, they remember the whole thing.