David Carradine's Tai Chi Workout

 David Carradine's Tai Chi Workout

United States - 1993

Director - David Nakaharaa

Goldhil Video, 1993, VHS

Run Time - 58 minutes

Not long ago a friend of mine came over with a new cache of VHS tapes he had recently acquired. Among them was something that I hadn’t seen before; David Carradine’s Tai Chi Workout. As my friend and I were watching the tape I began wondering what Carradine’s uniformly leotarded extras were thinking. They seemed unenthusiastic, distracted and uncharacteristically deadpan for an exercise video (I’ve seen more than I wish to admit.) Were they silently lamenting the hideous color scheme of their outfits, or irritated by the tinny fake “Asian” music in the background? Perhaps they were trying to keep from laughing at Carradine’s thinning bowlcut and twig-like arms. Frankly, they looked storied, unstimulated, as if they’ve seen it all before. Just like any other job, I can picture them bitching about work and talking behind the boss’s back. Were they just going through the motions to collect a check, did they exchange war stories, sabotage each-other’s work?

Read more of my analysis and breakdown of the exercise home video boom, including a handy diagramatic family tree at Paracinema.net.

Future Force

 

Future Force

United States - 1988

Director - David A. Prior

Worldvision Home Video, 1993, VHS

Run Time - 1 hour, 30 minutes

(also starring Robert Tessier of Starcrash)

I have never fully understood the cult popularity of David Carradine. I see it being related to him as himself, the David Carradine persona that developed later in his career, rather than any outstanding ability. I have always appreciated Carradine as a litmus test for the quality of film I prefer, something that in my opinion changed for the worse as his cult status grew. Carradine’s name on a film virtually guarantees that it is going to be a laughable piece of shit, but I for one am alright with that. What? You thought I was being critical of this whole situation? I actually appreciate it because it makes a shitty movie so much more enjoyably ludicrous when David Carradine is in there trying to be a badass or tough guy character that he clearly isn’t. It wasn’t until he stopped “acting”, when he began being cast simply as David Carradine, that he started to get boring.

Future Force is a case in point. Carradine operates as the lead in a movie in which he is clearly outclassed in nearly every way by the supporting characters. Together they are all members of C.O.P.S., or the Civilian Operated Police Systems, which as we are all aware is what the police already are. However, in the opening narration we are told that just before the beginning of the film the C.O.P.S. pulled society back from the brink of violent social collapse. In the not-too-distant dystopian 1991 of Future Force, the near-unraveling and subsequent reconstitution of society facilitated by C.O.P.S. has erased any memory of the pre-apocalyptic public law enforcement you and I know. In 1991, that shit is a novelty worthy of acronymic boasting.

Yeah well, who does your hair?

Yet closer inspection of this visual smorgasbord reveals little evidence of any recent social calamity. In fact, the disorder which the C.O.P.S. are ostensibly there to deter repeatedly finds them at its center. In the background, society appears to be functioning quite normally and without any apparent need or even awareness of the C.O.P.S. existence. Their interaction with the peripheral public at large consists primarily of blatantly contradicting their stated mission to “police” or to be “civilian operated”. Furthermore, the C.O.P.S. are a spicy blend of typically "anti-establishment" social stereotypes including but not limited to punks, bikers and rednecks with a dash of leatherman thrown in there for fun. Considering the hard evidence then, C.O.P.S. is looking more like a roving band of undesirables than pillars of the community. So actually, this whole narrative explanation sounds remarkably like a story C.O.P.S. themselves concocted to excuse their dysfunctional behavior.

"I'm tired, where's craft services?"

Amongst the various muscular, mulleted and teeth-grindingly macho members of the C.O.P.S. is one graying skinny guy with a potbelly and a bowlcut. His name is Tucker (indeed, Carradine), and while the rest of the “force” usually carries modern assault rifles, he comes equipped with a six shooter and a blank stare. Despite this totally insignificant disparity in physical attributes, Tucker is the master of every situation he finds himself in. When a new mission comes in he is the first C.O.P. to be called on, and when he becomes the target of his fellow “officers” he out-everythings every single one of his beefy, grunting rivals.

We can begin to see now why the acronym doesn’t match the reality. The complete lack of “social chaos” outside the immediate vicinity of the C.O.P.S. themselves reveals the premise as an elaborate live action role playing game set in a near-future dystopian fantasy realm as imagined by the P.C.s. (Player Characters) Furthermore, Tucker uses the videophone in his Jeep Cherokee to speak with his friend Billy, a kid in a wheelchair who runs the C.O.P.S. central computer system. Billy provides Tucker with secret super weapons and all the information he needs to defeat and/or evade the other C.O.P.S. Thus Tucker's inexplicable “superiority” over his obvious betters in this context is revealed; he is in collusion with the G.M. (Game Master) and is what they call in role-playing parlance, a “cheater”.

Wanted: For taking all the fun out of the game.

Project: Eliminator

Project Eliminator

United States - 1989

Director- H. Kaye Dyal

Southgate Entertainment, 1991, VHS

Run Time – 1 hour, 29 minutes

After serving in various dirty wars with the Marine Corps, and then the Army Special Forces, you would think that John “Striker” Slade would be ready to relax those sweaty, tense muscles and live off of his pension check. But coming back from the combat zone is not as easy as it might seem. As a highly trained super warrior, Slade has a hard time relating to and fitting in with all the soft civilian scum with their cocktails, jobs, apartments and relationships. They have no idea how weak and vulnerable they are, growing fat and lazy without the constant threat of hand-to-hand struggle hanging over their heads, and Slade is having none of it. Instead, he’s taken the only other option available to him, a Canadian tuxedo and the life of a nameless drifter on the highways of the US of A.

It is here where we join our friend Slade, portrayed with steely emotion by a well tanned and sparklingly groomed Frank Zagarino (Barbarian Queen's Argan), as he blows into a dusty northern New Mexico town called Rio Puerco like a tumbleweed with abs. Slade himself is too young to be a product of Vietnam, but that war produced a variety of bitter and misanthropic veteran stereotypes to choose from. Oh the tragic torment of the survivors to know the banality of peace; it was the lucky ones that died.

Slade hops off his hitchhiked eighteen-wheeler ride into a dusty parking lot where he takes a job body-guarding Dr. Markson, a scientist who’s developing a top secret AI drone aircraft for the Department of Defense. Why would a guy who already works for the DOD need defending? Because he just grew a conscience and instead of war machines, he’s decided to devote the rest of his life to developing aerodynamic, subsonic AI low income housing. Unfortunately, another maladjusted muscular Special Forces veteran, Elias (Brett Baxter Clark of Deathstalker 4) is not interested in such cute bullshit and is instead bent on extracting the aircraft plans from Markson’s grey-matter and selling them to… well, somebody evil will probably want them.

It also serves as a damn good opportunity for Slade to go on one of those cathartic “Final Raids” with his old army buddy Ron Morell (David Carradine.) Typically, traumatized veterans who return to the States are unable to cope with the slow pace and low tension of civilian life until they meet up with an old war buddy and pull one last mission together for old times sake. It is then, and only then, after employing their unique skills to prove his goodness, that the civilian scumbag will realize that the government-issue killer is really just misunderstood. In fact, as Markson’s vulnerable and succulent daughter Jackie quickly discovers, Slade is misunderstood and H-O-T. Who wouldn’t be instantly seduced by that golden mullet cascading over bronze and supple chest. She’s in his arms quicker than you can say Great American Metaphor.

Packin' a rod.

Within minutes however, Markson and his daughter are kidnapped by Elias’s inept goons and taken to a decrepit dust farm on the edge of the bosque. There Elias’ plan is to maliciously interrogate them while cackling and elaborating his entire evil (lack of) plan. Of course, as soon as the safety of the effeminate intellectual civilian is threatened, Slade’s unique skill-set regains its currency, (oh the irony that they’re the ones who made him learn those skills in the first place!) Shooting off in hot pursuit like well armed denim ejaculate, Slade guns his dirt-bike into the desert to redeem himself in the ultimate archetype showdown. After a brief premature battle climax with the henchmen, he literally gets in a fistfight with the degenerate wacko- vet stereotype captured so eloquently in Baxter-Clark’s Elias. With liberal use of disbelief suspension, I could hear the eagles of freedom screeching victoriously as Slade re-legitimized the masculine hero-warrior myth, putting some muscle firmly back into the USA's collective pants.

That's for all those years of making me look bad!

Lone Wolf McQuade

Lone Wolf McQuade

United States – 1983

Director – Steve Carver

MGM Home Entertainment, DVD, 2001

Lone Wolf McQuade it would seem, gave Norris the impetus, planting the bitter kernel that would grow into the Texas Ranger we know today. One fun part about this movie is that it co-stars David Carradine as the bad guy who wears an assortment of cozy sweatervests throughout the film. At least we know there's gonna be a sweet fight between the two of ‘em at the end of the movie.
The first thing you'll notice about this movie is the sweet footage of a wolf stalking around behind the credits. Of course there hasn’t been a damn wolf in Texas for 200 years, but who cares. It's probably just a hungry coyote hunting house cats, and considering what follows, that metaphor is more appropriate.

The second thing you'll notice is the blatant Ennio Morricone knock-off music, complete with whistling, which scores just about every scene in this movie.

Some scummy-lookin' bandidos are rustling some horses when they are confronted by some Texas Rangers who fumble their guns and get the crap kicked out of ‘em. Enter J.J. McQuade with the midday sun right behind, illuminating him like jesus in a cowboy hat. With a series of karate kicks and perfectly aimed shots from his personal arsenal of small arms, he dispatches the lot. I get the sense that this is going to be a recurring theme.

Back at HQ, McQuade obviously has an outrageously fantastic arrest and conviction record, but his methods are too uncouth and uncultured for the brass. Norris mutters recalcitrant bitter threats and is assigned a partner. Buy one genre cliche, get the second free.


McQuade heads home to his shack and chicken coop. He has a refrigerator for his beer, and a whole platoon of scarecrow shooting targets surrounding his house, which he repeatedly practices shooting and blowing up with grenades after drinking all the beer. The Latino partner, spurned by Lone Wolf, watches through binoculars and gets a little bit too excited. This partner guy is gonna spend the whole movie trying to not come across as the "overachieving inferiority complex" minority character.


Between an evil midget in an electric wheelchair, an airhead girlfriend who has to die by the end of the movie, the daughter, and an ex wife, it's hard to believe Norris has time for it all Not to mention the minority sidekick, and then a snarly black FBI agent (Leon Isaac Kennedy), and finally a fully lifted and macho Ford Bronco that just won't quit, it's time to get down to business. We need to drag every single one of these supporting characters into a crazy plot with a massive explosion battle at the end.

Carradine buries McQuade alive in his Bronco, but after pouring a cold beer over his head to freshen up, the Lone Wolf stomps on the gas pedal and blasts his way out of the ground for the huge grenade-and-uzi-and-anti-tank-rocket battle at the end. As if you didn’t know it was coming, Carradine and his movie-fu takes on Norris and his redneckarate in the battle of a culture war of the decade. Sweater vest zero, hairy-pelt chest hero.

The pretty awesome poster art by C.W. Taylor.

The soundtrack LP sleeve, about which I, don't know what to say. Maybe if you really like Ennio Morricones music, but hate Italians you should buy this, but then again this music appears to be done by an Italian as well. I don't know, the art is cool anyway.

Deathsport

Deathsport
United States - 1978
Director –Henry Suso (a.k.a. Nicholas Niciphor)
New Concorde, 2001, DVD

The first scene seemingly forshadows the subsequent film by giving us a few heady dizzying shots of David Carradines dangling package as he leaps over the camera in a loincloth.
After minimal narration about a “Neutron War” the world is left in the grip of a violent tyrannical dictator, Lord Zirpola who sends his troops out on future-dirtbikes to capture wandering nomads to torture and participate in Deathsport. The nomadic people have only the range-guides to protect them. Kaz O’Shea (Carradine) and Deneer (Claudia Jennings) are two such minimally clad quasi Buddhist rogues.

Angkar Moor (Richard Lynch) and a band of sinister silver clad dirt-bikers are out to stop the Range Guides free wheelin’ lifestyle. After a few brief skirmishes using simple blasters which turn people into nothing, (minimalizers! I love this!) they capture both, and take them to cells in an unnamed compound where for the first time the Range Guides meet through the bars. In some other room, the banal dictator is told by his doctor that he is dying, so he chucks the doctor and his son in jail with the range guides.
· Quasi spiritualist/naturalist cultural outsiders, check.
· Honest, scientific culturally dissenting realists, check.
Sounds to me like we just formed a core group of protagonists with minimal character development, let’s see what happens next folks.

Rashly attempting to break out of their cells, the Good Guys are quickly subdued, and Lord Zirpola subjects a nude Deneer to sonic torture, while not far away mercifully clothed (but only just) Kaz is flogged.

Afterwards the Guides mutter goofy voodoo at each other and the whole Good Guy team is sent out to matte painting land to participate in Deathsport!, in which they mount minimally modified unwieldy future dirtbikes, and are chased through various minimally dressed flaming sets (or even better, location shots) by Angkar and his lackeys. Lord Zirpola tortures another nude woman in his Sonic Pain Chamber, but soon dies, leaving Angkar Moor and his boys to be whittled away in the field until Kaz and Angkar, old rivals can have a clear plastic swordfight. Set 1000 years after Death Race, for no reason, Deathsport disposes with all the entertaining elements of it’s predecessor and relies exclusively on Claudia Jennings (Playboy Playmate of the Year 1970) and one other woman’s minimal clothing, and Richard Lynch’s portrayal of minimal morality. Nothing escapes the axe in this cheapquel and except for a few minutes of tits, which of course appeals only to a minimal demographic, it is similarly minimally entertaining.


Watch the Deathsport trailer at Cult Trailers

An awesome French Poster with the title Gladiators of the Year 3000:

Alternate video covers the first with the original poster art:

P.O.W. The Escape

P.O.W. The Escape
a.k.a. Attack Force Nam, Behind Enemy Lines
United States - 1986
Director – Gideon Amir
Video Treasures, Inc., 1989, VHS

As the negotiations are going on in Paris in 1973, Col. Jim Cooper (David Carradine) stomps into his commanding officers office in a rage demanding to know why their rescue mission plans have been changed. Damnit, if Chuck Norris can make four, count ‘em, four POW rescue movies, goddamnit, Carradine wants one too.

Without hesitation, Cooper hops on a chopper with a bunch of green privates and air assaults the purported POW camp, unloading a chopperful of shoot from the hip naivete only to discover that, duh, the camp is abandoned. Or is it! To a rockin’ 80’s soundtrack the North Vietnamese Army start mortaring the camp and the Americans pull back, but true to his motto of “Everyone goes home,” Cooper goes back into the fray for wounded boot, Teague. Narrowly escaping, they are about to get on the chopper when it is rocketed and they are forced to flee on foot into the jungle where Teague soon dies and Cooper is captured.

Taken to an inhabited camp, Cooper meets the rest of the prisoners who include Steve James (American Ninja & several Norris flicks), and the commander of the camp, Maj. Vinh (Mako of Norris’s An Eye for an Eye). Instructed to send Cooper to Hanoi as a bargaining chip, Vinh decides to cut his own deal.

If Cooper helps Vinh get to American lines (with a big sack of gold and cash he’s stolen from prisoners) the two of them can avoid Hanoi altogether and go free. Without the inclusion of the other prisoners, Cooper refuses. After kicking the ass of Sparks, a recalcitrant POW who disagrees with his plan, Cooper stonyfaces Vinh into caving, and they all roll out of camp with the POW’s hidden in a water truck.

Inevitably, the truck is shot up and the guys pile out into some hand-to-hand combat/yelling etc, in which Vinh disappears. Having discovered the sack of loot, Cooper stashes it and Sparks takes off in a jeep thinking he has it. Vinh returns and gives chase in another jeep. Cooper and the remaining guys follow in wooden canoes until they meet up with some other GI’s searching for help for their besieged base on Radar Hill.

With little time left to one up Norris’s Col. Braddock, Col. Cooper goes to the rescue once again, this time all alone until the other guys gung ho into the fray with hoots, hollers a dirtbike and a hole in the chest. Oozing big dumb water buffalo heroics, and frankly, flat out stupidity, all while draped in an American flag, Cooper smashes through the walls of subtlety to reach the inner sanctum of excess.‘Namsploitation is arguably a fun little niche from the video era, but this movie manages to use the entertaining staples of the genre to make 90 minutes feel like 190. I lost count of false endings and secondary and even tertiary characters. The one redeeming characteristic is that despite it’s plentiful use of war violence it refrains from the overt sadism of the Norris MIA series, and if one doesn’t nitpick the inaccuracies and machismo, it’s still pretty ridiculous fun.

Covers for title Attack Force Nam: