Sometimes when I'm home and she's out.
I miss her a lot.
Vice versa, I believe.
But... it's okay! Everyone needs their own personal space too. (:

I had the scariest and saddest of dreams last night. I dreamt that I lost everyone, even you.
My heart feels heavy now...

If only I could get your comfort from you now.

AR LOW JOJO!

IF YOU'RE READING THIS, PLEASE SMS ME! :D

(I wanna see how long you take to read this hahaha)

hahaha these past few days has been one of the best times I've spent with you.

Though they were short, but it was every minute well spent.

I know sometimes you're sad and thinking that I don't care about you anymore but I want you to know that you're always on my mind.

It always brings me joy to see you happy and seeing you happy makes me happy too!

Especially when you message me that I'm cute and bla bla bla hahaha you know la! ><

Anywho!

Thank you for being my kai xing guo! ^^

So you must stay CUTE and stay PRETTY ya?!

You must say YES (with the caps!) when you sms me so I know what you're talking about!

OKAY GOT TO GO NAOOO cause I need to bathe and call you!

you are one helluva emotional roller coaster ride but I can tell you it it's hard for me to give up taking that ride all the way through.

i miss hearing your voice but you're always tired.

it's 5 in the morning now, I wish I could hug you and have you sleep in my arms.

I'm not going to let this blog die, it did me well during my worst days, I shall repay it by blogging more often. (:

It's been months, seems like this soft heart of mine just doesn't want to let you go huh?

I'm tired of pulling it away from you, cause every time I pull it away, it quietly sneaks back to find you.

I miss hugs.

Those that warm the heart.

I'm out of touch, I'm out of love.

I'll pick you up when you're getting down.

And out of all these things I've done,

I think I love you better now.

try smiling with a broken heart.

These fake smiles...

When can I ever smile truthfully?

I dream of you sometimes.

Dreaming of the memories we had.

I hate you for loving me so much, it made me love you so much too you know? :'(

Losing you left a big gap in my heart and even though it has healed, the scars are still there.

I really hate this feeling of a heavy heart. ):

If only someone could come and heal it...

You always asked me in the past why I would send you home no matter how late the time is, it's because seeing you makes me smile and recharges me spiritually and puts a smile to my heart.

I remembered how warm it felt to call you to wake you up and hear your morning voice while I'm on the bus to school.

The long hours we stayed up on the webcams to see each other's dull faces.

Memories that I wish I could relive again.

Gummy bear?

Slippin' away.

I miss talking my mind out to you, now everything is so kept up in my mind I don't know who I can tell to..

what's the one thing I would do if I could turn time back?

loved you less, yes, less.

because it showed me that loving you too much fell into my demise.

I guess I'm just soft hearted by nature.

I miss hugging you, my pillow is my substitute for you but it's never enough cause you feel so much warmer and softer with a beating heart and a scent that brings me into slumber sleep almost in an instant everytime.

I'm tired and all drained out.

I need that adrenaline of motivation and support from that someone I once had.

She.

It's so hard to forget you, so bloody hard.

I guess the only way for me now is to just accept it, accept these memories.

Bear the pains and happiness.

Live with it, be one with it.

This is not good, I need a hug now.

I kinda miss hearing morning voices of you.

One of a kind.

How? Tell me, just how?

Today while I was on my way to filming, I thought of the birthday gift that I gave you.

You remember?

The little moving pig? (:

I remembered how I ran from Jack's Place all the way over to AMK Hub to get it for you and even though I had to run for it, I guess it was all worth it seeing you happy.

Haiyo, sometimes I really still think of it.

Thinking of me not capable of being religiously strong for you.

Saddens me everytime I think of it or hear people talk about religion.

The way you phrased it to me still echoes in my head.

It made me felt so useless for that moment in time.

I still don't know why you said that if I changed for you, it wouldn't be the same.

We should have taken things slowly and not judge our future so quickly.

And no, you didn't force me into accepting christianity, I did.

I wanted to change for you and also for the better of me.

Can't understand why you'd rather break a heart than to slowly work things out.

It's true, the period where you freaked me out, it was my fault. I kept pestering and pressuring you.

But now, things have turned so stale.

Was loving you a mistake?

I loved you so much...

Tell me now, was it my fault in loving you with my whole heart?

OH! and this was the song that I remember hinting to you how I liked you hahaha so funny when I listen to this now. (:

Walking back home, I still felt hints of missing you, bits and pieces of them. I wasn't as painfully as before but I could still feel it.

Can't religion and love work together hand in hand??

Hmm, if I ever get a new gf, it will be a christian because I believe they are faithful to whom they love. But it's going to be different this time of course, I won't be my old self anymore. I think I'll keep that old self for you. Different people will get different approaches from me and yours was truly special, one that showed you my heart.

I'll slowly start believing in God but also keeping an open mind, just like my parents.

I wish I could find someone like my mother's personality.

Caring, open-minded and also very down to earth. She's lame sometimes too but it's okay cause I think I got her lameness too! hahaha

She's a methodist but she was actually opened to different religions cause of my grandfather and great grandfather. The period she was in was a time when multiple religions came mixing up into her society.

Well like I said,

Love is patient, Love is kind.

We'll see how things go. (:

As for now, I guess letting you go is the right choice? I don't want to be a burden to you anymore...

I still look back at the photos that are in my laptop once in awhile and laugh and cry to them cause they were such happy and meaningful memories for me.

The memory of holding you in my hand and telling you, "everything's going to be alright because I'm here."

The memory of expressing how much I loved you and you teared after I said those words on the webcam.

The memory of hugging you close and kissing your forehead to give you reassurance that my love for you was genuine and pure.

(':

Why oh why?

Why couldn't we work it out as adults?

Sometimes I really wonder who you are now, you've changed so much.

I miss missing someone I love.

It's 12 now and I'm in school staying over.

Today is a sad day for me cause I lost my clothes that I bought yesterday and they were like $136. ):

And one of them were like the only piece left.

Hai, so to overcome it, I decided to stay in school to do work so I can forget it. :/

"Her heart rightfully desires to love God, but is not remembering God also wants us to love one another, God rejoices in healty relationships, God is good, and loves seeing you two HAPPY, He wants nothing more than that.

Who does she think puts the love in her heart, God is happy when you are good to your neighbor, and when in Your Heart you know He has given you someone to love and care for, and grow with. She sounds very noble, and a wonderful sweet person, :) reassure her that you love her, and that you will support her in what is important to her, as long as you feel comfortable with it.

Remind her Love does not bring Guilt, God is love, and thus cannot be a bad thing. Guilt does not come from God, Yes, the innitial burst of energy and excitement falling in love brings can deinitely make you think of that special someone 24/7, but that doesn't mean you can't use all that new found love to do even greater things! If you are happy, and feel so much joy and love in your heart share it, if you find in this love the reason to be better each day...and let the Spirit of God show it to other through you..HOW MUCH GREATER LOVE WILL HAVE MADE HER LIFE! In Her prayers, let her thank for the blessing of meeting someone who makes her want to be better, and in her Actions may she share her love and joy and kindness with the world.

Everyone falls in love, God is a jealous God in that He wants you to worship him, and follow his command, but he is also Sweet and Rejoices in seeing you happy and doing good to others, He blessed her with a boyfriend who cares about her feelings, and cares enough to do some reseach in finding whats best for you both.

She's just worried, she needs a bit of guidance, and this has happened because she forgot she can MAKE God PART of your relationship(NOT RELIGION)....

Love is patient, love is kind, it is never jealous , love is never boastful or conceited, it is never rude or selfish. It does not take offense and is not resentful (Corinthians).

If only.

Would you stop thinking about what everyone wants?

Stop thinking about what I want,

what your parents want.

Ask yourself,

What do YOU want?

What do you WANT?

I've been following Valentina's blog and she recently broke up with her bf.

And reading from her formspring, I saw some replies she gave to people and she said partly of the break up was her being christian and that's why he left.

These events that happened during these past few months has come to show me that religion is really a very scary topic.

I really don't get it, can't we all just live life simple?

If both parties really love each other, they should just forget about these boundaries and live the moment.

Cause with love, nothing is impossible.

These heartbreakers have never tasted real heartbreaks before, that's why with a word of mouth, they just let you drop.

I think what I really miss is making a girl I like to smile for what I do and who I am.

You're not the same anymore. Not the same person I first knew at least.

The one that would always ask for hugs to calm your soul and the talks that would help ease your mind.

I think I just miss supporting someone that I love.

Is like their joy is my joy and for them to return their joy into their love for me, best feeling ever.

You seem pretty down lately too, I saw you in the lab 2 nights ago and you looked kinda >:|

I wanted to help you but I really don't know how to :/ I'm such a sucker at approaching people ._.

Don't be sad, it makes me sad too.

I think I'm just too use to helping you so much in the past that it's a habit for me now.

See this is what I mean when I over commit, it's like a chore to me now, one that I would gladly do just to see that smile.

It makes me feel so much better letting it all out in this blog of mine.

I should do this more often, sounds a little more like my old self. (:

Alright it getting late, time to sleep.

Goodnight!

It's funny how I'm always the only one reading this but I guess these are my experiences and they are meant to be kept.

(I always have this weird thought in my mind that I could telephatically talk to you... ok i think i'm just being weird ._. )

It's 5am now, I'm in school now and I feel so oily and dirty now it's getting me irritated. -_-

Hmm, today I was talking to Michael about you.

He asked me what happened between us.

And knowing he's a Christian like you, with family members who are Christians too, he told me about him and Ariel.

His parents are just like yours and Ariel isn't a Christian at all.

His parents also wanted him to get a Christian gf but they were open to accepting Ariel.

He told me that he was slowly letting Ariel in to his religious beliefs. As for Ariel, she was opened about it.

I'm just amazed how the two of them could work out so smoothly.

I think it shows that with love and feelings, nothing is impossible.

Sigh, it's all my fault. I shouldn't have let you down, really.

these thoughts really start to come flowing back in again.

The sudden thoughts of you always saying HI to me on the chats always made me smile instantly.

Those smiles felt genuine.

Feels like the smiles I give to people nowadays are so fake that it just shows more of pain than happiness.

I suddenly remembered how you always use to miss me a lot and that just always made me smile.

And how you always randomly hug me that always warms my heart.

you know what, forget about this previous post ghee hoe.

Always remember, forgive and forget.

If we were really meant to be then let it be.

For now let's just stay where we are.

I really... really wanted to show you how much my love is worth.

It may be cheap now but the longer it lasts, i'm pretty sure it will grow off to be more and more expensive to the point it becomes invaluable.

I guess I'll just work on my religious views from now on. It might be for you but for sure it will be for the greater good of me.

sorry but I think it's time to start hating you, I think that's the only way I can forget you.

It's easy for me to say, but sigh it sure it going to be hard to do.. I'll try.

Fuck, why did you have to break this fucking heart of mine?

I bet you never felt this heart broken before that's why you didn't thought of my feelings and broke it.

And of all reasons, you had to tell me it was about religion.

I sincerely wanted to open myself up to christianity because I wanted to love you more and also to understand more about it but you didn't even want to give me a chance.

You think this relationship was a game to you? Really?

I've sacrificed so much time and effort in building up this relationship together with you and you just had to topple it down.

And now you're happily living your life away while I'm here, suffering with these thoughts day and night.

You really believe by telling yourself all that "love can wait" or " love sucks", it will help you be a better person?

If you really love God, I'm pretty sure he has told you to share your love, or at least not give up on it.

It will take years for me to recover.

Sigh, this is just me venting my anger.

Michael Bublé - "Lost" Official Music Video

I am scarred.

For the girl I once loved so much, it has broken me down so much that I lost who I once was.

Forgotten how to love maybe?

It's scary, I feel like I've even lost how to love my friends and family.

Why is it that I'm still thinking of you?

I guess there's no such thing as moving on fully.

There is no such thing as 100% cause there will always be there 1% still lingering in you.

I need a labbit to hug now.

today sure was one very boring day.

I woke up, went for my dental and came home to watch a movie and i'm here, rotting.

today's dental was wasn't anything that i expected.

I bled a lot. ):

And up till now it's still hurting and cause of that I can't sleep.

Hai...

I feel weird sometimes, like I need to lean on someone's shoulder. (not a guy's shoulder of course! haha)

I've no idea why I'm such a stutter talking to people.
I can get off well but then half way through I will start stuttering and my mind just blanks out from what I was wanting to say.

It's such a turn off don't you think?
Haiyo, where has the once confident me gone to?

Oh yes my awesome blog!
I dreamt of her 2 nights ago, she was on the train sitting beside me and we had our heads leaning on each other and it lifted my heart up, but sadly only for that moment.

I miss smelling her scented hair, hugging to sleep with her head gently resting on my arm.

I don't know what you're doing, really.

It's like the more I try to forget you, the more I think of the past.

It's so frustrating and I'm lost.

Let's see, it's been 4 months since the break up.

Looking back, I surely did look one hell of a mess.

But I'm getting back up on my feet, taking it one day at a time.

Sure it's still a little tough to forget but I just kept telling myself if things were meant to be, they will be.

I finally kind of realized that, yeah it's true, now isn't the time for you to be in a relationship.

You're still young.

And because you're in a christian family, I guess it makes things harder for you to handle.

Having to lie to your father etc.

It was also partly my fault, loving you too much that you felt numb for my love.

I was also happy that you missed me and I hope everyday would be like this.

But I had to mess it up by confronting you, I'm such an idiot.

The only one reason that I felt wasn't acceptable was not having to chance to guide you.

You just shun me off without giving me a chance to show you what I was capable of.

But on the other hand, I don't think it's worth blaming you cause like I said, you're still young, you're not willing to take risks like I do.

Don't worry, when I was at your age I was also afraid to take risks but as years went by, I realized that life out there is one hell of a scary place and if we don't take risks, we won't earn anything.

Anyways, I hope that whether you read this or not, you'll really understand what I mean.

There's still a small part of me that doesn't want to let you go but it's quietly hiding. Can't believe I still keep your photos and letters till now.