woahhhh...

reading my past posts.. even i scared myself. haha.. emotional Vernon.. its long forgotten.. ITS TIME FOR THE NEW AND IMPROVED VERNON HENG! =)

its all so subtle..

subtle frustration, subtle agony, subtle ignorance.. etc.. ALL THESE FUCKING SUBTLE NEGATIVES..


i swear i cannot take it much longer...

patience.. is it necessary?

well, was talking to heidi online and she made me realised something.. r/s its like playing poker.. so wat if u play tight and wait for good hands, true, the chances of winning are increased.. but it doesn't matter if u still get bad beated by a lousier hand.. rite?.. is this why i play so loosely preflop? because of my ACES getting cracked so many times?

murdered...

i would.. find myself dead one fine day.. murdered by my own sarcasm... my honest opinions with my tainted tint.. = }

the dawn is breaking..

WAT A WEEK... haha.. wat a fucking good week...

the things i need to say but u dun wanna hear

you told me.. u wanted to leave me because you know u won't bear to leave this place if you still had feelings for me.. and then you left this place with another guy in your heart.. you said u wanted to break up with me because you wanted us to be separated on good terms so that we might have a chance to be together again next time.. then you go and ask someone else to wait for you.. you told me, i was the one who showed you love.. showed u the meaning of love.. now u are using the definition i taught u to another guy... you asked me nver to leave you.. u said u would die if i died.. i guess it was all bullshit.. you said u wanted to grow old with me... i told you me too... and i meant every fucking word.... you noe why when u asked me will i leave you.. i told you no? BECAUSE I MEANT IT.. I WON"T AND WAS NVER PLANNING TO LEAVE YOU... NVER.. but.. in turn.. u left me.. at the lowest point of my life.. you walked away... u said my emotional self is scaring you... u changing ur heart like that SCARED ME.. how could you possibly just turn your back on this 3 yrs.. our lovely 3 yrs... you know how hard has it been for me these 3 months?... no.. this past yr?... 2007 sucked for me.. and u knew it.. and now 2008 IS FUCKED UP... what did i do.. man... I LOVED YOU WITH ALL MY HEART... emily... and now.. this is what i get in return for giving you my heart... ppl.. if ya asking.. why is he writing all these here.. because she doesn't want to hear it from me.. i'm scaring her she says..... therefore i can only confide here.. the only place i left.. my only solace..... God.. help me...

and you know wat? i love you so much and so deeply.. that i am willing to wait for you.. just in case marc lets you down.. i'd be waiting to catch you when you fall.. if he lets you down.. i'm willing to be your spare tire.. i dunno why i am doing this.. but i am willing...

the walk...

do you realise when you take a walk to your destination.. you feel the sense of satisfaction with more intensity.. its because you know you took the effort.. the sense of satisfaction.. the pursuit of happiness.. the PURSUIT.. its called the pursuit because we need to CHASE after it.. endure through the bad times.. THE WORST times.... because by hook or by crook.. you noe u need to reach that destination.. you noe u MUST reach that destination.. you noe u CAN reach that destination.. the only thing you dun know.. is WHEN... PUSH THROUGH IT.. LIVE IT... FACE IT LIKE A MAN VERNON.... this is life... either you make it.. or break it... i'd rather try.. i'd rather make it.. because i know even if i fail.. at least i tried..

this is the lowest point of my life.. ever..

my brothers are all in NS, my sister doesn't come home anymore..(forever at bf's house) my mum & dad works in the afternoon, when my dad comes home he just sits on the couch and watches tv.. most of the ppl that i can hang out are either skooling or in the army, emily, my love of 3 years broke up with me 3 months ago is now in perth and is together happily with another guy that is so much better then me.. (good on her though) the guy is in singapore... My pimples are getting worse, my poker keeps losing... i got nothing to live forward to... Dear God, i know in some ways i have forsaken you.. have you forsaken me too? Nowadays i have only a pocket of friends left.. i appreciate them so much.. but they can nver fill the void in me.. not the way she use to fill it.. no more... 3 yrs.. and it took 2 months to break it..

GUESS I HAVE TO MOVE ON.. LIVE STRONG.. CONCENTRATE ON THE ONLY THING THAT I DO BEST NOW.. ALTHOUGH I SUCK AT IT STILL.. POKER.. GOD PLEASE HELP ME.. I DO NOT WANT TO BE THE LOSER.. THE LIFELESS MUTHAFUCKER.. GOD PLS... HELP UR DEAR SON.... HE IS IN DIRE STATE... I MUST BE STRONG.. LIVE THIS THROUGH.. ENDURE IT.... VERNON U HAVE THE STRENGTH.. DO IT...

can u? vernon heng zi xian.. can u pull through?...

i dreamt of her..

wow.. on the day i decided it was too much.. move on... i dream the most impossible dream i can ever dream of... wow.... wow...

i am happy...

believe it or not.. i am happy.. although we are no longer together.. but i am happy...

i'm finally free..

she told me he has already came into her life.. just as i expected.. just as i predicted.. why do i always prove myself right.. haha.. one of the reason i can let go was finally given to me... though i still dun understand why we broke up in the first place... but i can say at least now i have the right reason to let go... i always told myself.. there will only be 2 reasons for me to let go of the person i love.. 1. If her feelings fade for me.. 2. If someone better then me comes into her life and can provide for her better and make her happier.. She gave me the 2 reason.. i can see it now..

i will still love you no matter wat bei.. i might move on.. but u noe u will still be in my heart..

i can't believe it..

i still miss her so much... can i live a day without her in my thoughts?

i can

this is it...

i realised now... why i keep fighting.. because i noe the precedure.. from liking, even disliking to deep deep love.. that's how u operate.. i noe you.. u'll love him.. and i'll be gone.. u'll love him... no matter wat u say.. i guess u might already have started loving him....

and i am gone....

as the flight departed..

i sense the absence of something that was once there.. its not a void of a person its more of a vaccumn of feelings. the feeling that WAS so strongly present has now left not even a single essence behind..
dun worry fellas, i m coming out of this stronger!

good bye i3d...

that's all..

all i wanted was a word.. just one word... needed a word.. guess it'll nver happen..

wat. a. funny. day.!!

haha.. i can't stand GERARD!! HE IS DAMN FUNNY!!!! ahah.. anyway.. i swear CHARIS can't plan for nuts!! haha.. was reading my post about the fish.. and u noe wat? I CAN'T EVEN RMB ME TYPING IT OUT!!! lol.. guess that was how emotional i was to actually not rmb it.. wow.. haha.. anyway..

I AM BACK.. i found my peace again.. when i was younger.. i use to think.. why the fuck do all these older ppl wanna have peace? isn't excitement better?.. but now.. i realised the importance of peace.. haha.. SOLACE.. smth i haven't found in a long time.. finally came back to me.. it might sound cheezy.. but i think i have to thank Mother MARY for that tranquility.. after praying the whole decade(a term for the complete rosary, not referencing 10 yrs mind u) of rosary.. my mind went peaceful.. my heart no longer ached.. thank you mother.. i guess only u knew how i felt.. and how much of being able to live my life happily do i want it.. haha.. so yeah.. GOOD NITE ALL.. and AVE MARIA...

oh yeah..
MILLIE!!! I'M THE FIRST K!! ASK JASON TO WAIT IN LINE!! I ASKED FIRST!! hahaha.... =)

TODAY IS A FABULOUS DAY!!! WEEEEEEEE...

HELLOW... haven't felt this happy in a long while.. hahaahhaah.. a very heavy burden lifted off me.. nothing in particular.. just felt that way.. ahaha.. anyway ppl.. MY WANTON MEE STALL SHIFTED.. THEY HAVEN"T RETIRE!! WOOHOOO!!!

the word.. change..

CHANGE.. something i must get used to.. wow.. wat a yr 2008 has been for me.. SO MUCH CHANGES.. hahaha.. my house.. the wanton mee stall.. the stall i grew up eating... closed down.. sigh.. that is sad.. i'm out of poly.. out of skool.. no longer a student.. sigh.. is this growing old?... sigh....

i can't...

i can't take it anymore...

hmmm..

the fish in the tank, as beautiful as it is..
deceits you, as it 2 enormous eyes of attention convey msgs of interest..
as your interest grows and u edge closer to satisfy ur curiousity..
the fish hides back.. then it does it again.. and hides...

ever thine, ever mine, ever ours....
i love this phrase...

sex and the city..

interesting point about the movie was that it started climatic and then it went down to a depressive mood and of course, which movie would be complete without a happy ending.. interesting story line, quite realistic and saddeningly true.. just not the ending... but oh well.. a very good movie overall.

Made me think alot about the word LOVE... is it purely an illogical emotion? or is it based on logical advantages that decides on the lvl of love? A very interesting argument.. pls do comment if u have any input on this topic.. haha.. i do like the fact that the romance in this story is so real, so relatable to our time and era, not some drama fairy tale..

the movie made certain sense of love.. if you love someone, would you care enough to try to forgive that person? now i realised.. that understanding is one of the pillar of a r/s, not just trust.. understand is more important then trust.. everyone is finding love.. but now i am starting to doubt that there can ever be that ONE love for u.. its not impossible.. but the ONE for u is not the one that u love the most, rather, its the one that UNDERSTANDS u the most.. he or she would accept the mistakes u made, and forgive u.. they would try to change the points where they feel that are negative and wait for you to change.. most importantly, they would give up all logical reasoning and follow their emotions.. lastly.. i honestly believe if a person loves you.. he or she would go through thick or thin with you.... that is the most valuable aspect..

wonder..

its june already.. wow.. anyway ppl, my enlistment is on 16th sept... haha i dunno why am i blogging this shit as well.. hahaha.. weirdo..

oh yeah.. i think Take That's Back for Good is damn funny.. if u read the lyrics properly, its suppose to say that the first part is that he thinks he should give up, the chorus is saying watever he said there he didn;t mean it, he just want her back for good.. haha.. somehow.. this sounds so so familiar... so God damn familiar.. hahahahahaha.. OOPs.. today sunday somemore, anyhow use God's name.. SORRY BIG GUY!

my feelings in a song...

I guess now it's time for me to give up
I feel it's time
Got a picture of you beside me
Got you're lipstick mark still on your coffee cup
Got a fist of pure emotion
Got a head of shattered dreams
Gotta leave it, gotta leave it all behind now
-->> Whatever I said, whatever I did I didn't mean it
I just want you back for good
Whenever I'm wrong just tell me the song and
I'll sing it You'll be right and understood
Unaware but underlined I figured out this story
It wasn't good But in the corner of my mind
I celebrated glory
But that was not to be
In the twist of separation you excelled at being free
Can't you find a little room inside for me
Whatever I said, whatever I did I didn't mean it
I just want you back for good
Whenever I'm wrong just tell me the song and I'll sing it
You'll be right and understood
And we'll be together, this time is forever
We'll be fighting and forever we will be So complete in our love
We will never be uncovered again
Whatever I said, whatever I did I didn't mean it
I just want you back for good
Whenever I'm wrong just tell me the song and
I'll sing it You'll be right and understood

ok!

amongst the perils of my current situation, i can only think that i will emerge from this trial stronger.. i honestly do not know what does God have install for me.. but i will move on! LIFE GOES ON!

stolen from some random blog...

stole this from a random blog, but it falls in line with my belief...

Trust & Relationships
Trust is the glue which holds relationships together"Trust enables relationships to develop and flourish. When trust erodes, the relationship deteriorates. Doubts, which can creep into our thinking about the behaviour of the other person, can act like a poison and a cancer, quickly spreading to sabotage the relationship. Mistrust has a devastating impact on relationships and on the types and quality of conversations that will occur.
Whilst trust is an indispensable component of positive and productive relationships, unfortunately it is something that can all too easily be taken for granted. We may only become aware of its importance when we feel trust has been broken.
Within our relationships it is all too easy to take trust for granted and overlook its pivotal role in our interactions with others. Trust can be regarded as a fragile element of relationships which needs continual nurturing. One or two instances can raise important and lingering questions, which may remain in the background and have a silent but devastating impact on the quality of the relationship.Trust is the central pillar supporting any real relationship. With so much at stake, be it emotions, finances, children or future goals, there needs to be implicit trust for love to fully develop. Building trust in a relationship takes hard work and commitment. Trust requires that you listen to each other and communicate your needs. Trust requires honesty above all else. Once you’ve built trust, you’ve done something magical, and you should do everything in your power to keep it if you plan on maintaining your relationship.In order to know what it is your partner needs to feel safe, you have to listen to what they’re telling you. Trust takes time, but if you communicate effectively you’ll have a stronger foundation to build on. You can’t build trust if you’re constantly spending a lot of time apart from your person you're trying to build trust with.

unable to grasp the definition...

how do u expect me to understand the extent of the actions?.. isn't it weird how life is full of such high expectations and regulations that everything tot we are binded by? Yet, such definitive rules do not apply to some, and how are they able to manage by with such firm determination to pursue their course of action? I simply do not understand, are they really that rock headed or simply their heart is easily influenced?...

strong? or...

i wonder.. whether am i really strong or is it because i'm a muthafucking born loser who is used to losing.. be it in poker or love.. whenever i get a bad beat.. i just carry on fighting and carry on playing.. until i lose too much.. but i nver stop completely.. am i that dumb? or am i that much a fighter? or am i just a born loser that is so use to losing that I just lose and lose and lose and lose and i dun give a flying fuck... ARGH.. but u know wat? i'm getting fucking sicck of losing.. LOSE LOSE LOSE LOSE LOSE.. knn... fuck... fucking fucking frustrating.. to keep losing losing and LOSING!! GOD ! STOP MAKING ME A LOSER!!!!

frustration

a sudden wave of frustration hit me.. i dunno why.. but i'm fucking frustrated now.. everything muthafucking thing... i dunno... why are ppl so fucking COWARDS! is that the way to be smart? being a ffucking coward? face up to the opp. or problem.. fight it out, if u fail then take it as a learning experience.. WHY RUN!!!!! FUCK COWARDICE!! .. ARGH!!!!!!!!

wat am i feeling...

guys.. the word is numb.. not loss, not pain, but numb.. was talking to ezra, and he ask me so how now? wat's the plan.. haha.. i guess the plan is to just hold on and sit back.. if a ride comes along for me to hitchhike, then i'll hop on. I'd hold on, i'll nver let go.. but i'll move on.. but not with my own 2 legs... haha.. dun worry fellas, even i dun know wat am i writing about.. hahahaaha..

my heartfelt gratitude..

thanks to all who cared and still caring for me, you guys are the jewels of my life. Appreciate all the care and concern ppl..!! =) this past month has reopened my inner self again. and it deepened my sight once more.. haha..

the jewels of my life..

people ask me, why do i rmb so much about my life? why rmb all the small things? how can u rmb every girl u use to like?

my answer, i treasure memories more then anything else in the world. I appreciate them, as a car collector would with his cars, as a watch fanatic would with his watches. All collectors only collect items that are rare, special, expensive or exclusive to them. Therefore, that's why i rmb all the small things... i create special and exclusive memories all the time. I make the effort, to all those out there, who wanders wat are we doing with our lives? Wat is the purpose of existance? Here is my answer, live your life. Make every breath count, appreciate every pixel of what you are looking at now, feel ur life. How to start? simply look around you right now, and give everything in sight, ur stamp of sentimental value right now...

an old post

May 18, 2005

I'm thankful that i;m so blessed, im too blessed..
i and thankful to God that i'm blessed, but i'm afraid of the responsibilities that comes along to cope with when one has found the treasure aimed by alot others, though i personally have not experienced it yet, but i seriously hope God bless me with the strength to handle them as well..its not that i'm afraid that the jewel would be lost, nor m i afraid of it getting stolen, but rather i'm that i'm not worthy enough to be the one who has the treasure, its too precious,and i might be the one who knows fully how to maintain the jewel and help it to achieve its worth to the max. yet i'm happy.. cos this treasure allowed me the honour of keeping it.. that i am glad.. and will be always, God help me to maintain the shine of the jewel and its worth, to allow its radiance to continue to be noticed.. sole purpose is for it to shine on its own, to radiant itself, to show other ppl how precious it is, and nver ever let me think that the radiance is to allow others to see the face of the person carrying the it, nver let me take this jewel as a trophy or something to show others wat i have,i have the honour cos the jewel choose me, not becos i am that capable, nver ever have i tot it to be that way and nver will i think it that way.. rather teach me to appreciate the full value of this jewel, and to rmb that i m lucky, very lucky for all that happened, through ur grace. i noe that i'm not fully worthy of this magnificant treasure that u bestowed on me.. but since its in my keep, i shall do to my best, cos i fully love her, and i truly want the best for her, even if it means giving her up to another who can appreciate her MUCH more then i do, and DESERVE the jewel more then i.. this i ask through Lord Jesus Christ, my saviour, my benefactor, and the one who gave me this wonderful gift.. Thank You.. Amen...
Posted by vernon at Wednesday, May 18, 2005

a girl like you...

is impossible to find, impossible to find..

so many words so little time..

just watched wat happens in vegas again. argh.. didn't really feel like watching it again. but well provided an outlet for me to think. "if i nver had to put down a bet, i'd nver had to lose" so true.. i noe exactly wat these words mean.. poker has brought me down that road many times. love too. so i noe how it feels to want to give up just like that. i've been through so much loses in my life, but i just keep going.. am i too stubborn? or too strong?.. am i too naive? or matured to see failures as steps to success? or am i just too weak to move on, or so strong that i can't give up?..
in poker, being outdrawn by the last card on a 2 percent chance is possible. heck, i even lose to a 0.197% chance of winning hand. Nothing in this life is impossible, as long as the % is not 0, there is always that chance of winning. But every poker player noes, playing these low % hands only get u in shit over the long run. But does it apply to life? or Love? Should i fold my hand now? knowing that my chances are so slim? or should i pay the expensive price of calling it down to the last card?.. "even though i went all in with the best hand, i almost always get sucked out.. i'm starting to get sick of the feeling, and i'm starting to be afraid of it.. so afraid that i do not dare place bets, because i am afraid of losing.. i'm losing my one characteristic that i deem unique to others, the willing to take a gamble in all aspect.... will i end up bankrupt again? or will the rainbow lead me to the pot of gold at the end? or just to the start of the infinite curve of the rainbow?..."

back..

back to my room.. the thinking room.. my prison when i was younger, my only place that i could think all i want. haha. always i come back to my room alone. the lonely room. hahaha.. well thoughts. My room is my inspiration. My cosy, lonely room.. once again.......

God.. thank you..

haha.. here i go.. with my religious self again.. i guess i nver fail to find God amongst the chaos in life.. its not really chaotic, just that its not utopia as well.. so well.. i was just thinking, its not God that is dead, or that he doesn't bother about us.. he just dun want to show us love in the way we humane minds conceptualize love or care and concern.. no.. i believe that's why he made everyone of us.. to show each other the way we want to be loved.. he shows us love in another way.. another form of love.. in a way we can nver grasp.. perhaps that's why we all crave God or a super natural being in one way or another.. becos we are always curious about the unknowns.. therefore God is a concept.. no matter how hard we till to theorise, we'll nver get it rite... no matter how many lifetime we have.. we'll nver have enuff time.. cos that's how mysterious God is.. that's how he makes us yearn for him... and we do want to yearn for him.. dun we? ... haha.. therefore i would like to make this clear.. i'm trying to tell all those religious ppl out there.. plz.. dun be an fuck head and think that you KNOW God.. cos God is not so easily known or understood.. so plz.. yes.. plz...

nostalgical entries...

was browsing my past entries.. feeling the emotions, the mindsets, the state of mind.. and guess wat i realised about myself over the past 2 yrs? i've retarded in terms of intrinsic maturity.. hahaahaha.. that's weird rite?.. wrong.. its worst then losing ur stamina, its worst then losing weight.. its worst then losing ur best hands in poker... its like losing yourself... i've lost myself.. i dunno who i become... the image in the mirror resembles me... but not the soul... i've sold my mind and spirit to.. i dunno who.. haha.. not the devil but... sigh.. 2 yrs.. and i've not grown my spiritual being... nor my mental consiousness.. wow.. haha... wat a great achievement.. haahhaha... good nite.. tired...

back.. mundane... aimless..

hi ppl.. i'm back for the dunno how many times.. my articulation and my english has corroded on me.. i've lost touch with my compositional style, but my lohsohness is still there.. haha.. oh well.. i just feel instead of becoming a better person like wat i used to aim so so much.. i've mutated cynically. Is it because i have no more motivations in life? or is it because life has been unfair to me? or simply cos i gave up.. hmm.. that's a good question... i guess its just that i haven't had time to reflect.. or does it matter whether i reflect or not? is it true that i once was a optimistic boy whom jaded to become a pessimist, taken in by the dark side? well.. i hope not.. and i hope through this i can get back my inner peace.. my soul nirvana.. my intended objective.. my internal utopia...

fulfilment.. my dreams? my life? my...?

to be whole? what is that?.. to live life according to my heart? or my head?.. wait... what does my heart want.. what does my head want.. to pursue contentment, or to pursue confidence? to live a laid back life? or to strive for the best and most $? hahahaha... good question.. dilema.. hahahahaha.. cliche... hahahahaha....

gal fren.. gf..

guys! would u give someone who comes up to u nicely and ask very sincerely for your gf's no. from you? hahahaaha just a tot

heaven and hell decide..

haha, i will follow you into the dark, cynical.. very.. but wat the hell.. haha.. i am gay, very gay. HOMO or HAPPY? haha.. BOTH? haha.. my updates for my trip will come next, rite now i am too tired to get to it. can life be lonely? though u have too much for company? just tot of those punk rockers, or those wannabe gothics. wat's wrong with them? ok i mean other then the obvious? yeah true life sucks, life's boring, life's empty, life's mundane. but are they the only one going through life? "no body understands.. u will nver understand wat i am going through" bullshits. come on! who will understand each other's life?? NO ONE! but that doesn't give you the excuse to flaunt your anger, your aggression or your influence.. no! come on! live life! and try to impact others with your positivity! not bring others down to your level of negativity. WTF! come on! Life's not a bed of roses, but hey! everyone's going through life, wat's the big deal about your's? haha.. haha... hahahahhahha....

finally, once again..

hopefully, i would be able to maintain my blogging habit again.. haha. just came back from Pulau Aur, from one of my best trip ever to the island. slept the whole day yesterday, maybe a slight distraction about evening time. =). other then that, yup.. enjoyed my trip, learned alot on the trip, especially when one is involved directly in the organistional aspects of the trip. The next few blogs would be more detailed, and less perspectives, due to the need to want to record down the wonderful weekend i had. so yeah.

sitting alone in skool..

sitting alone in skool, i took a break from constructing my blog. took a look ard, saw the crowd, the activity of the buzz ard, feel the energy all ard.. haha.. i took a moment to enjoy the youth ard here.. there's so much potiential here, so much future.. who noes, the next CEO or the next millionaire might be walking pass me now.. haha.. cool huh..

blogging..

to all my frens out there.. yes.. i'm back to blogging.. haha.. well thanks to my compulsory assignment of blogging, i have now come back into bloggin.. back to my old ways.. to those new to my blog.. do take some time to have a look at my previous posting.. haha.. take care all..

my CIP blog..

well, very very busy week. For the next 2 weeks, well there's of cos this blog to do, my presentation this coming friday, our PBL presentation this coming monday, my CCA in school, which is the diver's club's recruitment drive. Meaning precious time spent idling at the dumb booth. Bringing ideas to elaborate on our CATS ( CREATIVE APPLIED THINKING SKILLS) course, which is basically uselesssssssssssssss................ well, this blog has rekindled my interest in blogging again. To be honest, this blog is set up just for the sake of CIP, my main blog will remain unknown... well.. maybe i might move over to my other blog too.. actually.. hmmm.. that's an idea... hahaahahahahahahhahaha... i might just change my blog back to my old one.. oh well.. talking to my girlfriend now on the phone... oh ya.. carry on my busy week, this coming monday to wednesday is my church's camp, and guess wat.. i'm the assitant overall IC, therefore i jus came home from planning the camp activities with the overall IC, and was trying to get a cab back with my fren, waited for 1 hr, no luck.. walked on... got stopped by police, plainclothes somemore,.. after realising we were just 2 innocent students.. they allowed us along our way.. we asked for a lift home.. they jokingly tell us the only way they are bringing us along is if we were to spent a night at the lovely cantonment complex.. we considered for a while.. (just joking...) and turned down the courteous offer by the friendly policeman.. HOW LUCKY!!.. LOL... tired.. bye bye...

apologies i hope accepted

back from a long break.. this time, all the bloggings i have shall be my art, my pieces, haha.. till that time, u all will understand. i'm back..

less activity, yet it doesn't feel that boring

i have been doing lesser and lesser activity, i dun do alot of things anymore, but i'm still like having so much fun juz slacking ard and doing nothing. Hmm.. that's seriously fucking weird.. well anyhow.. haha.. juz hoping to have fun in skool now.. haha.. see ya~

changes.. moving on.. getting on with a new way of life..

yes.. was chatting with my sista nadia.. she remarked something, which i said happened always when we were in secondary skool, but she said that was like million yrs ago.. and i tot about it.. though 8 months ago.. our life was quite rigid and mundane.. the same things happens, we wearing the same uniform and all, and ta da! 8 months later here we are.. and i replied her.. 8 months back isn't that long! and she said.. well everyone is like getting on with their new way of life.. i agree on moving on.. i advocate ppl to move on and get on with changes in their lives, but no matter how far ahead u move on, how much different life is for u.. nver ever ever forget the walk there, the routes to where u are now, and all the hardship, problems and mistakes u made on the way there. That's how life should be.. to move forward while rmbing the past. To take a step each day knowing u are treading on unexplored grounds, but knowing u have been exploring before.. get wat i mean? haha.. take care peeps..

yup..

haven't been blogging, haven't been meeting old frens, haven't really been studying, haven't really done anything much these few weeks. Occupied with something else. Nothing sad, its juz one hell of a rollar coaster.. happening so fast, skool and all. projects dateline reaching, homeworks pilling up, life getting mundane, not having enuff time to think through. mind occupied with her.. hmmm.. haha.. its a change.. for better or for worst i still have no clue.. hmmm.. well haha.. honestly speaking if ya asking me if i'm happy or sad. i'll gladly tell u i dunno.. haha.. might say that i'm a lil healthier, not clubbing anymore.. hah.. isn't tat a surprise.. haha.. well peeps.. see all of u soon.. if i miss out on spending time with any of u.. feel free to drop me a comment or msg or sms.. OR A CALL ALSO CAN! haha. but plz.. within 7 am to 7 pm.. (incoming call free la.. haha) ... smilez..

back back.. haha..

well.. poly is tat tiring ladies and gentlemen.. haha.. all my projects are piling up, all my assignment left undone... [ as usual ]... No time to do alot of necessary things.. life is much diff in poly, i find that the people that u get close to in poly are seriously not as much as secondary.. though u of cos get to meet more frens, but the quality isn't there.. juz the quantity, but lucky for me, i found my special someone there.. thank God for that, haha.. yes yes. i noe u all are bored about me talking about her.. haha.. well.. in case u were wondering, i tot i could actually not go town anymore after poly started.. but ever since poly started, i dun think there is a day whereby i go home straight from skool.. hmmm.. haha.. so much being active in skool, using the facilities, and hanging out in skool huh.. wtf.. haha..

thanks peeps..! to all those who read my blog frequently and gives me advices..

hey peeps, really really sorry for not blogging as much. was going through some stuff with myself.. haha.. well i still have no idea wat is happening.. as in i haven't really gotten to a conclusion in myself la.. but wat i can see.. i think its time i start doing something or juz nothing at all.. haha.. i noe it sounds confusing. but this is something i cannot shout out to the world in conclusive words or sentences.. so peeps i'm sorry to keep u ppl in the dark, but anyway.. yes. i'm ok already! haha.. well and to anyone reading my blog, i hope u realise too that if any of u ( who noes me la of cos ) if u ppl have any probs as well or anything u wanna talk about.. u should noe who to call.. and if u dun have my no. that means u dunno me.. hahaha..

in skool...

having some boring computer lesson.. well peeps... i dunno man... i need someone to lift that rock up.. i dun wanna have that rock there.. i really dun... sigh...

every little thing again..

... to those who have been reading my blog since the beginning.. haha.. u all noe wat i mean.. im nothing big.. i dun look nice in a big picture.. haha.. its the small things that count.. every little piece.. of the collage.. i wanna emphasize this again.. is wat the collage is made of... not wat the collage is... that's why its called a collage.. that's wat i am... every little thing.. it matters.. it does.... thats the only way to appreciate me..

been a long time..

finally got backt to my old fren.. mr tiger beer.. hahaahaahaha.. im missing her so.. and she doesn't noe.. hahahahaha... i'm weird. i noe.. but i love her... i really do.. i'm drunk by the way in case u ppl think that i'm typing all these out of nonsensical shit.. well i am typing this blindly..hahaahahahahaha..

haha

haha.. back to myself. my pathetic emo self.. fuck it.. thinking as much as usual.. wat the fuck.. its not her fault.. its my own.. i dunno why the fuck m i thinking so much.. ccb.. argh!!! where's my old fren.. the nice ice cold beer...

missing her..

having someone in ur heart is a bliss.. but having her far away from u physically is a torture.. it all boils down to the idiom so near yet so far.. though not literally.. well.. i'm missing her.. and i miss her very badly... sigh..

skool. the first week..

poly life.. so diff, adapting to it seems aiight, juz that it doesn't feel like i'm studying.. could be the fact that i haven't been studying... haha .. anyway.. GOD has been good to me.. and i think i should show my appreciation soon.. haha.. well tired.. sleep.. haha.. nitez!!

school..

i've juz gotten into TT23, which will be my class.. and the good thing is that we are quite a big class, 20 of us.. the bad thing is that, there is only 1 gal.. haha.. which is kinda gay, consider that we go poly to enjoy a nice co ed environment.. hmmm.. but after going to the orientation with the guys from our class, things aren;t so bad after all.. its kinda fun.. haha.. giving us a chance to live through a boys skool scenerio.. haha.. nevertheless hopefully we'll have fun through the 2 yrs.. haha.. well i all stinky and dirty now, juz came home from skool, BA orientation.. well bye.. haha..

I'm thankful that i;m so blessed, im too blessed..

i and thankful to God that i'm blessed, but i'm afraid of the responsibilities that comes along to cope with when one has found the treasure aimed by alot others, though i personally have not experienced it yet, but i seriously hope God bless me with the strength to handle them as well..its not that i'm afraid that the jewel would be lost, nor m i afraid of it getting stolen, but rather i'm that i'm not worthy enough to be the one who has the treasure, its too precious,and i might be the one who knows fully how to maintain the jewel and help it to achieve its worth to the max. yet i'm happy.. cos this treasure allowed me the honour of keeping it.. that i am glad.. and will be always, God help me to maintain the shine of the jewel and its worth, to allow its radiance to continue to be noticed.. sole purpose is for it to shine on its own, to radiant itself, to show other ppl how precious it is, and nver ever let me think that the radiance is to allow others to see the face of the person carrying the it, nver let me take this jewel as a trophy or something to show others wat i have,i have the honour cos the jewel choose me, not becos i am that capable, nver ever have i tot it to be that way and nver will i think it that way.. rather teach me to appreciate the full value of this jewel, and to rmb that i m lucky, very lucky for all that happened, through ur grace. i noe that i'm not fully worthy of this magnificant treasure that u bestowed on me.. but since its in my keep, i shall do to my best, cos i fully love her, and i truly want the best for her, even if it means giving her up to another who can appreciate her MUCH more then i do, and DESERVE the jewel more then i.. this i ask through Lord Jesus Christ, my saviour, my benefactor, and the one who gave me this wonderful gift.. Thank You.. Amen...

loving u

well juz emoing... hmm...

yay..

got my laptop.. blogging on my laptop now.. haha. last nite watched kingdom of heaven.. haha. damn nice show.. haha.. well ppl.. i'm happy nowadays.. i think God has finally pull me out of the shadows.. haha.. well i guess he put me there to let me learn.. so as to appreciate wat he'll be giving me now.. haha.. smart choice.. haha.. i'm finally happy.. hehe. God is good.. haha.. i would have to say

sorry for not bloggin..

will be blogging more frequently once my laptop comes.. which i'm expecting in 2 hours.. haha. anyway.. wat's happening in my life now is really unbelievable.. i met this gal, who fitted my ideal gal almost inch by inch, she's one of a kind.. and i can't believe i'm actually talking to her and all, i still can't believe that God has blessed me with her.. aha.. THANK YOU GOD!!! sorry ppl.. for a while my blog would be quite boring.. and i apologise for that, cos its seriously been a fucking long long time since i've waken to feel so good.. to feel happy to be awake and to dread sleep.. haha.. it honestly is long.. the feeling 2 day back was so alien.. it is still.. but i hope to get used to it.. i hope to get used to it.. hehe... my lil princess

*smile*

haven't felt this feeling for close to 2 yrs now.. haha.. the whole 2 yrs though there were times of gladness, but the sorrows tilts the balance, so finally, finally i hope i get to feel good, wake up with a purpose. i really do.. if not.. haha. its ok as well.. used to it.. haha.. and today.. rei, laura, xiaobai and jere are back! haha.. will meet up with them soon.. so long nver see them already! haha.. happy.. = ] hope i get used to this feeling as well..

hehe..

thank god for giving me this chance.. O lord.. thank u so much.. ; ]

boo.. ya.. BOOYAGASHA!

cheers and cheers and more cheers for 4 days and 3 nites.. haha.. wonderful wonderful experience.. the ppl at foc (freshmen orientation camp) really did a very wonderful job.. with over 600 ppl attending the camp.. the large scale production was indeed a very hard one, but the student unions pulled it off.. first day of camp, my primary skool buddy, ratch and i were already famous, thanks to the wonderful attention seeking powers of St. Nick's pearlyn. she wore high heels, full make up, big dangling earrings, and of course, a very nice bebe top with 3 quarts. haha.. she brought a luggage bag whom she forced me and ratch to help her carry in front of the whole camp. well haha.. enuff about her, though even after the camp, i'm famous for being the tai tai's fren.. haha.. first day sucks, honestly. Ratch and i were seperated. almost got to be in the same group but thanks to our fame, ppl recognised us as diff group, so our group leaders separated us into our original grps. well my groups aiight, but not interesting. but at least they were great, not irritating.. haha.. but first day was a killer.. knowing very little ppl is smth new to me in 3 yrs. so it did felt awkward and all. but after the first day, it was ALL GOOD. we were off to get bonded, alot of others happened cos this camp was a fully schelduled camp, no time to rest, except for meal times. even sleep was deprived haha.. but its aiight, i'm used to sleep deprivation. haha.. main focus was that we had to play this game called butter hill, a blue big canvas was placed on a hill covered with oil, butter, flour and all sorts. we were suppose to help each other to get to the top, haha. i was the first to volunteer, haha. after the whole thing, it was seriously sick to be covered in butter and oil.. the feeling totally sucks, but it was a unforgetable experience la, haha! i tell u it was damn hot.. haha.. now i take a break 2nd and 3rd day to last day to be continued..

back from camp..

its definitely a very fucking unforgetable experience.. juz the first day away from camp.. and i'm missing it.. haha.. though i'm down with a bad bad throat.. (its very very bad..) i have no regrets going for it
haha..!!!! anyway.. boo ya ga sha!! haha

haha.. well well..

haha.. for me feelings are not choices.. also deciding whether to like her or not is a factor. but at the end of it.. its about showing that love and developing that love.. haha. anyway.. won't be blogging for a few days.. cos camp.. haha.. haha bye!

like i say again...

someone asked me wat was my opinion on love. i used to think love means to give smth to that someone and u will get smth in return from that someone.. but i was wrong.. to love someone is to give that person everything he or she deserves and u can give, without expecting it in return.. especially if u have decided to give ur love..

life.. so much fulfilness, so mch emptiness..

sitting at my desktop, waiting for to go church, it sorta is kinda empty.. haha.. the idea of loving someone who loves me back is kinda numb to me, haha.. my frens say i need a galfren, i dunno wat i need, haha.. but right now i noe wat i'm doing in my life.. its not for me.. but its worth it.. wat are frens for man.. can't possible everything i do in life is for myself.. haha.. well.. i do hope i get appreciated, i do hope someone else see all the little things i do in life.. haha.. i do hope ppl see the collage of me.. not juz the pic of me.. i do hope that nice guys dun finish last..... haha.. hope... nice song.. hope...

again again again..

2 things to talk about in today lesson.. i'm slighty annoyed by the fact that my bros are hard core quarrelling and its not juz between 2 persons.. its worse.. its 2 groups.. and yes.. that's EVEN WORSE!! ARGH.. anyhow.. the other prob that is affecting me real bad now. is the fact that i'm in a very very bad situation.. that one i cannot emphasize.. but then again.. only 5 ppl in this fucking whole world noes what i'm going through.. yup.. well ARGH!!! ITS FUCKED UP!! to think i have to put myself through all these.......... sigh...... but i have no choice.. at least for the time being..

meaning.

jasmine.. like u say.. u can't imagine a collage of me?.. well here i am to enlighten u.. a big collage of me.. is basically.. me.. and wat u think of me.. therefore. wat i mean in my little things is that i take precaution and take the effort to look at all the little things, that dun matter to most ppl.. and observe how all these small picture come together to form the big pic, i appreciate the small small things.. so as to be able to truly understand and appreciate the big and whole picture.. haha.. yup..

impossible as usual..

u all noe wat's the fuck up thing about me??? it is liking the impossible.. like sort of liking fairy tales, liking magical stuff.. juz liking things not possible.. and yes.. though i gave up one something impossible.. i stumbled myself upon something much more impossible.. sigh.. as usual.. argh.. ARGH!!!... hope? haha.. no such luck man.. i'm not that priviledge.. and dun tell me hope is for everyone.. this scenerio it isn't for me.. haha..

i gave up.. haha. numbed..

i gave up. ppl.. i finally did.. haha.. well...

every little small things..

i wish i could be.. every little thing u wanted.. all the time..

that's wat matters to me most.. all the little little things that touch my heart.. affect me.. all these little things, will collage into one big picture.. and that's the kinda picture i prefer.. haha.. if u get wat i mean..

yup yup..

i noe i dun wanna do it.. but i must.. hahaha.. dun worry its nothing serious or against the law and all.. but its juz smth in my life.. a decision to make.. and i made it last nite.. haha.. going to test my mental again.. haha. shall not emphasize on it.. cos maybe i can't.. well haha.. too bad.. to those wondering..

why

i guess everyone is kinda sterotyped in that sense, or maybe not sterotyped.. let's juz say everyone is liddat... and knowing me i tend to fall into the catagory of being unique or the special one.. BUT this, i seem to fail in that uniqueness.
i dunno.. its supposed to be that someone that no one else can be.. be that someone else no one wants to be.. be that someone else that is the hardest to be.. and yes.. trust me.. its hard man.. but then again.. looks like i'm the one for it....

no no no...

no.. it can't be happening.. i'm telling u all... it can't be this way.. argh.. the fuck.. sigh..

yesterday.. church

finally a proper meeting.. but that irritating deacon ar.. ARGH!! nvm.. well well.. i dunno man.. nowadays getting close to char, but my bros don't go along well with them.. hmm.. as usual.. hanging out willl be a dilema.. ARGH.. well well.. yup.. and wwjd? are u a guy or a gal? haha.. juz wanna noe..

hanging out with the group for a while.. hehe..

i felt bad, hanging out with my bros for a while only.. haa.. as i;m more of a clubber, and the rest are not so much into clubbing.. haha.. so yesterday they went off and i was off to ms for a while, then at nite was at chinablack, ended up sneaking into the vip section, using charlene's fren's name, and ended up with bryan soh, janesh and all.. and before entering there, i was drinking a full jug of bourbon coke, and a small glass of vodka ribena all by myself, haha.. upon reaching the vip section and upon bryan soh's encouragement, i finish one more bourbon coke, and 2 dentist of chivas courtesy of bryan soh, which ended up having me a lil high. and upon reaching 4.30, i was physically wasted again.. and this time was the worst i felt so far.. the cab ride was a killer... ARGH>. haha...but well, another experience gain.. another lesson learn.. haha..

haha.. wwjd..

haha. thanks.. wat u said does make a lot of sense, i noe its something i need to get out of.. but i am aware too that it's whether i wanna get out or not.. haha.. and trust me, i have my reasons not to get out.. ahaha. but from the looks of it now.. i will get out soon.. haha.. = ] .. anyway, juz wondering.. do i noe who u are?

oh well...

haha.. wwjd.. if u wanna tell me who u are, u will.. but anyway i appreciate the comments.. i dun mind if u keep them posted.. haha.. well anyway.. i'm lost.. haha.. i have no idea in wat sense.. i'm kinda mixed up emotionally.. so much so that i'm feeling neither sad nor glad.. well.. its complicated.. haha.. sigh..

tv! haha..

finally got a tv day! haha.. frm 8, first mums.. CARLAFUL!! haha. after that is crush.. then there is JOEY! and finally OC. haha,, well well.. anyway.. WWJD.. who ever u are.. i dun have the privilegde cos i nver had the choice to choose gals.. how about tat? haha.. anyway.. juz tell me who u are man.. haha..

tanned..! haha..

went tanning yesterday.. liked the idea.. haha.. i am burning now though.. and on will be going to sentosa soon, as in later today..haha!! then i'll be going church to serve mass.. hehe.. cos i forgot to go on monday.. well anyway.. i'm still desperately in a need to solve this fucking dilema.. argh! dun worry ppl.. its not choosing between 2 gals if u all are wondering.. sigh....... well haha.. i dun think i'll ever have that priviledge to CHOOSE between 2 gals..h aha... get wat i mean? ( if not.. then u better try to rmb how i look like.. haha)

shopping. again.. haha..

love shopping.. haha. especially when i c something nice and its like super cheap.. ahaa.. bought these new pair of fila converse, with some similiarities to this other zara shoes.. haha. and it cost only like $40 !! hahaha.. how cool is that? well tmr will be going back to far east to buy this damn nice bag..ha ha.. purely white.. haha..

well well..

church was good.. finally air con.. but after tat meeting was screwed up.. cos i didn't call those young idiots and they didn't read the notice board so no young servers came for the meeting.. ( sorry shaun!! haha..) well.. went to skool to register that day.. haha.. i like my faculty already.. its next to the canteen [ which sells beef steak at $3 !!! ] and the canteen.. NEXT TO THE EXIT! haha.. how convenient is tat?! haha.. and hearing from my fren who was doing the matriculation for the whole 5 days.. my batch has the most babes, as in skool of business and mass com has the most pretty gals, compared to the others, as well as the previous 2 yrs batch.. hahaha! and there wasn't much good looking guys la!! haha.. bloody hell.. haha.. well ppl.. looks like i'll be enjoying skool.. *winks* cheap food, lots of frens, LAPTOP!!!! hahaha!!! how cool is skool? NP rocks!

hmm.. regret..

haha.. nothing in particular.. not relating to it rite now.. but was jus thinking about my reflecting on regrets.. how life is full of it.. and its one of the fucking hardest lessons to learn in life.. it almost nver leaves u.. always coming back once in a while to haunt u.. and yet. it is always smth that happens all the time.. there's no way to avoid it..

haven't been online much..

ppl.. sorry for not posting.. haha.. i was busy.. [ DUH!!] haha.. finally in ngee ann.. haha. won't tell wat happen these few days la. but ya.. juz thinking alot and was kinda sick these few days la.. haha.. anyway..haha...

mind over matter? or the flesh weak..

ppl tell u that mind can push through everything.. mind over matter.. but wat if the mind is willing but the flesh isn't? haha.. i guess this is where the quote

aim for the stars, at least if u fail u'll land on the moon..

cribbed.. quality time..

home.. early today.. haha.. watched ntss bball again.. sigh. lost.. but very good fight.. its aiight ppl.. sigh.. daryl.. dun worry u did ur best.. u've come far.. haha.. and u still have a long way to go aiight!!! yup...

gaining back.. slowly but back...

after coming home at 8 am, waking up ard 1 and went down to sentosa with carla, juztin bryan and carla's frens.. haha. was ok.. cos darius and bryan were there.. though there was ANOTHER darius.. ang kong siao one.. but a lil feminine for an ex ah beng, ( and i really mean feminine!) anyway.. finally got back my tan, and yes i'm plannin to maintain it! and yes. will be working out again later!! haha.. well had some time to myself.. haha. well.. getting back.. soon soon..

need time..

guess i need time off alone.. time alone with myself and God.. think through myself again.. cannot la.. this few weeks have really been too much pleasure.. getting to forget how hard life is already.. no no.. must get back to my old self... think i'm not going out on monday.. reflecting....

fucked up.. really..

feeling damn fucked up.. not emotionally.. but physically.. cannot imagine the shit i put myself through.. and seriously all the excuses i give myself to discontinue my strict workout.. argh!! concentrate on it for a month, and the clubbing ruins everthing.. aiight aiight.. vernon get back.. aiight.. focus..

hmm.. not so driven..

the flame in me was extinguish.. my motivation is waning.. i need to get inspired again.. cos i'm still fighting the same problems.. but with less enthusiam.. bad bad.. i need to spent time thinking....................

seeing in the dark..

wat i mean is.. that when u see things in full light coverage.. ppl tend to see the bigger picture.. so they miss out the small things or things that require a lot of attention.. like how u might miss seeing that huge fence when u are walking in the park in the day, but u actually notices a small snail passing by when u shine ur torchlight in the dark.. well... like the song... every little thing... dishwalla..

hyper...

sleep deprivation really does funny funny things to some ppl.. like me for example.. it hypes me up.. really really hype.. and i seriously dunno wat i am doing now.. haha.. well i'll be back to update more la.. and ppl!!! WHO CAN VOLUNTEER TO HELP ME ADD A FUCKING TAG BOARD..!!! NO IDEA HOW TO DO IT!!

blah blah..

met up with carmen and rachel for lunch.. haha.. ipoh hor fun.. haha.. carmen ate 2 servings!! haha PIG! haah.. anyway. supposed to meet up with edwin.. so in the end had to leave those 2.. had a talk with edwin.. haha.. nothing much.. then went over to Omar's place.. bodoh.. haha.. anyway.. Omar was damn funny la.. can't stand him la.. haha.. after that went to the POPE's memorial service in church.. respect for John Paul II always.. then went over railway to meet up with omar, alex and z. Haha.. saw carmen and rachel with matt on the way.. haha.. but they were on their way home..haha.. so ya lor.. hah.. anyway.. been a while since i worked out. thanks to the deferent of my gym sessions with steve.. and the drunk sessions. cannot cannot.. tonite when i come back home.. WORKOUT!.. and seriously.. i need a tan man.......... but someone else needs it more then me.. ahaah..

feeling.. wat's this feeling?.. hmm.. i guess.. i'm not feeling anything..

zombie.. that's the word.. im numbed.. woke up without emotions.. no sense of happiness, no signs of sadness, no signs of jealousy, no signs of anger, no signs of fatigue.. i dunno.. i'm empty.. a shell.. zombie..... uuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Amen.. last words of Pope John Paul II

was watching the news coverage on the great pope, well his life was magnificant and noble enuff, but its the ending that's simple yet touching, he was on his deathbed, holding the hands of his best fren who is a cardinal, he focus on the window where he always stood, although it was covered by the curtain, and breathed out "Amen" before he passed away.. wat a way to end, for a man as great as he.. May He Rest In Peace.. AMEN!

waking up?

saw darius's nick.. it read t gotta have a reason to wake up in the morning, u use to put a smile on my face.. i noe who it was for.. haha. but i dunno y i post it here...

waking up?

read darius nick.. and it read.. i gotta have a reason to wake up in the morning.. u use to be the one who puts a smile on my face.. haha.. i noe who is that msg for.. but i dunno y i'm typing it in my blog.

cause and effect

everything has a cause and effect.. apparently. that rules doesn't apply to my everything.. haaha..

honestly..

raining.. its raining on a saturday.. wth.. haha.. now its 2 pm.. juz woke up.. slept at 6. guess the rest are still sleeping.. sigh.. i dunno man.. God, dearest God.. gimme the strength.. i'm weakening.. Dear God, rekindle my hope i'm flickering.. Dear God.. help me succeed.. i'm failing..

honestly..

raining.. its raining on a saturday.. wth.. haha.. now its 2 pm.. juz woke up.. slept at 6. guess the rest are still sleeping.. sigh.. i dunno man.. God, dearest God.. gimme the strength.. i'm weakening.. Dear God, rekindle my hope i'm flickering.. Dear God.. help me succeed.. i'm failing..

if u're not the one..

then why does my soul feel glad today?

chi chi man.. haha..

pierced my ear! and who said it wasn't painful.. haha. k la. can tahan la.. anyway.. going to dbl O for interview later.. haha hope i get the job man.. how cool balls! working at dbl O haha.. sigh.. u noe smth? there's still smth missing....

clubbing lifestyle.. haha...

was juz chatting with andrea.. and she bombard me with aussie clubs event and so on and so forth.. haha.. i noe that other country's clubbing lifestyle is much better.. but haha.. after that session its really an eye opener.. haha.. darn.. Hands Up for those we wanna join me ! swimming to melb for a weekend! any takers?

sunshine!

yes.. i'm suppose to be in church now to help shaun out.. haha.. k la.. will be late as usual.. haha.. watched the Red Dragon last nite.. its amazing if ppl like Dr. Lector, D, and Graham actually exist if that;s possible.. their minds are fascinating the way it works.. haha.. very acute and the way they figure out each other's minds before they actually make a slight mistake on their part and the other fellow takes the advantage
haha.. exciting.. haha.. well well.. i'll nver be like that.. haha.. but it's good to think. haha.. wat the hell.. i dunno..

after the morning intake of nicotine..

dreamed last nite.. its been a while since i had a dream.. but last nite's dream was bad.. sigh.. dun wish to blog it.. haha.. guys.. so much for letting go.. the mind is not willing.. neither is the flesh.. well.. i can't imagine myself like this..haha.. i dunno.. fuck up.. u noe?

remember.. the.. titans..

was watching it last nite.. damn good show.. induce different emotions.. but a great infusion that really stirred me up.. motivated me, and inspired.. haha.. go catch it if u haven't.. haha.. well it made me rmb the times i spent with my bball mates.. sigh.. teamwork.. teamspirit.. well well.. went to watch them play jurong today.. Victory man! finally! NTSS won JSS! haha.. sigh.. again.. BITTERSWEET! fuck! JURONG NOE! from sec1 that's all i ever dream about.. beating JURONG SEC>. and now they did it.. without me.. wth.. sigh.. but at least they made it.. 1, 2, 3 NEW TOWN!

church church and clubbing then church..hehe..

sat morning 2 am went to meet gab, ian all then went ms to eat bak kut teh.. and the usual, me and ian went drinking.. haha.. i swear we are beer kaki. haha.. well went home ard 4 plus last nite.. where the rest carried on their dota marathon..i fucking swear i'm damn irritated by dota already la.. its comsuming all my frens!!!!! ahaha. anyway.. then went church early in the morning at 9.30. to help out.. wah.. did a lot of manual work man.. then played soccer!! haha. feels good after so long.. (SHOES ARE DAMN DIRTY!!) then went home changed and went town meet wanyi nat cheryl and belle.. haha.. SAW SELWYN!!! haha.. DAMN FUNNY LA!! haha.. anyway.. then james called! ( see la.. all thanks to dota now james come out once a week wanna go enjoy with us also cannot.. THANKS TO ALL THE DOTAING.. idiots.. ) then went church.. LONG SERVICE BODOH!! 2 and a half hour.. ended at 11.30.. then was suppose to go over to shaun and bryan's house and stay.. but ended going cocolatte first.. (alex.. hehe paiseh la.. nver go shawn's bdae party.. too late and too far liao la.. haha!) was damn drunk man.. (i'll nver mix beer and hard liquer again.. haha.. that's wat i say now la.. ) puked too many times to count.. i swear coco's 1 for 1 is heaven.. haha.. well after tat u end up in hell ( PUKING) haha.. well then went to shaun's house.. sleep at 5.30.. and was awaken up by shaun in the morning at 9.15.. hangover was bad in the morning la.. but after lunch it was better. haha. EASTER! haha.. coco latte was happening man.. (move bitch.. get out the way.. get out the way bitch get out the way.. hehe) eh ben.. five ten soon again ar!!! haha.. and shaun.. FOR MEL! well then went spize to eat.. ( oh.. my group changed the name to roti john special) well everyone was facing each other, while i was facing the road beside a WRX haha.. church was slightly torturous.. having a real lack of sleep pluz a hangover.. haha.. well got over it.. came home and watched City of GOd.. (no its a christian movie.) went town suppose to meet rei but he went home already.. went to find wanyi and belle and borders.. and ate there.. ( the steak is damn nice. haha..) then belle pang seh us to *ahem* haha.. shall not spill.. haha.. then leaving me and wanyi to slack at Haagen Daz(not sure spelling rite a not.. not eng..) then now i'm home! haha. BUSY WEEK MAN!

holy week.. God's week..

yesterday, Maundy Thursday, was in church till 12 midnite.. helping out and all.. this year was a totally different experience for me man.. adoration.. (which is when we have to knee in front of the Holy Sacrament for 20 mins) seem super fast.. was my bonding session with God. haha.. finally had a good conversation with him.. and finally got to hear the sound of silence.. haha.. argh.. i really think i think too much.. haha.. life can be such a hassle when u think about it.. as in when u really think about life.. haha. watever crap i'm talking.. well 2 more months till skool starts.. can't wait to be in skool again.. argh.. well ppl.. guess now life for me is about my frens.. NOT (was typo error when i type NOW.. so its NOT) really into being in a relationship..haha.. i dunno i'm weird.. agreed?!

wat's going to happen?

sigh.. THINK about wat's going to happen in the future again.. i hope skool starts faster. if not i'm going to get brain damage.. due to overdosage of worries.. ARGH! there's only time to focus mentally about the future.. and learn to adapt.. haha.. the future.. fuck..

dream came true..

went to watch NTSS play against Yishun Sec yesterday. bball.. argh.. all the first 5 are mostly sec 5s.. ppl whom i trained with since sec 1.. and yesterday was the first game of the nationals.. and yes.. new town won yishun.. despite the vast diff in physique.. it was bitter sweet again for me.. sweet that they won!! bitter.. cos i couldn't fulfil my dreams together.. sigh.. last yr bball season filled me with utmost regrets.. couldn't perform.. and there we go.. our dreams down the drain.. this yr was diff.. they are already at our target.. playing at clementi sports hall.. GOOD FOR U GUYS!!! HAHA!! I'LL SURELY SUPPORT IF I CAN!! but.. it hurts me alot to be there but not in jersey.. not sweating.. hearing Coach calling the first five, but unlike last time.. my name wasn't called out first.. sigh.. bittersweet.. regrets.. 4 yrs of intense training.. and it ended up like this.. haha.. i noe i can go back to Tagawa.. but nah.. dun think i'll be bballing anymore.. sigh... missed it though..

awaken up. twice.. wtf..

was awaken by msgs in the morning at 7 am.. from ppl who were Kiasu to wake up so early to check their results.. haha.. and yes.. i joined in as well.. haha.. going NP ppl! Business IT.. haha.. anyway.. then went back to sleep.. and got awake by renovations rite above my fucking house.. and yes.. so here i am sleepy and online.. fuck..

home.. sweet swet home..

its been a while since i'm home at this time of the day.. woke up thinking in bed again.. sigh.. haha.. God is funny sometimes.. haha i dunno y.. juz wish that life is a lot simpler.. yet all its complications makes it more enjoyable.. haha. contradictions.. well.. i'm definitely changed.. and i noe who to thank.. and i appreciate it.. the future scares me.. its really freaky how u might fail.. but wat the heck.. live it.. and i WILL succeed..

dunno where to start boy..

ok ok.. so i haven't been bloggin.. (laura. y u need to read my blog ar? u hang out with me everyday lor!) anyway.. pass week have been a blast!.. getting drunk 5 out of 4 nites.. well can't really rmb wat happen this week.. pass by too fast.. anyway.. rmbed going town on tuesday, wed too, hmm let's see, thursday went sentosa with wanyi, belle, nat, cheryl, joyce, and nat's frens tino, ian and this guy and gal.. haha.. had fun there, though i nver go swimming (sorry nat.. haha.. didn't bring extra boxers la!) after that went Ian's house.. with gab, rei, laura, alrick, z.. ian cooked!.. damn damn nice!!! hahaha.. then went cocolatte that nite.. alot of familiar faces there sia!! damn happening too! but damn damn packed.. haha.. then friday went to dye my hair, ( courtesy of edwin!) and after that went to last min work at suntec with rei and laura to slack at the cashier, where the pay was like 6.30 per hour, lunch, dinner drinks provided.. wat a good pay for slacking bodoh!! haha.. then friday went to gen's bdae party at Thawu!.. (swear i can't stand that place anymore boy! too many snoop dog wannabes!!! ) well before that settled some bastard calling my cousin gen some names and threatened her on her BDAE.. well we settled that.. then went to work after 4 hours of sleep, then went town slack jack a while then went home.. woke up for church, had some meeting and went back to earning easy cash! haha.. and bought 2 tite fitting shirts!! wearing one of them tmr.. and now here i am! haha

time heals... eventually..

i noe time heals.. eventually.. juz that it takes ALOT of time to heal.. haha..

inspirations...

watched G.I Jane last nite.. if any gals out there could summon even half her abilities.. RESPECT.. haha.. it inspired me.. mental strength.. well i sound lame and all.. but ya.. went to Omar's place last nite with the whole group to cut laura, mandy and z's hair.. Z hair looks like shit.. haha.. mandy and laura's were nice! Mandy's one was nice and stylish.. Laura's was unique. haha.. and laura was like saying Omar and me the pattern same one.. as in the way we talk.. and i found out y.. haha.. he's an AQUARIUS as well.!! haha.. the wackiest horoscope.. haha.. well.. Omar juz cut Jon Jonssen's hair last week.. and he showed me the profile of him. and OMG he is damn damn good looking, but he's body.. is 10 times better bodoh.. haha.. and ppl.. stop telling me to look at guys.. nowadays i find guys more worth it to look at la.. ( and no i'm not gay.. yet... hehe..)

loving angels instead..

Kurt Nilson- and she's so high.. high above she's so lovely.... and she's so high ...
like cleopatra...

thoughts.. lotsa them..

woke up thinking about wat i think about every muthafucking day.. argh!! y can't i juz forget it?.. damn damn dumb... well.. maybe its the pang in my heart whenever i think of forgeting.. well.. i dunno..

by the sunlight..

woke up early today.. dun like this feeling.. feeling damn sick and all.. lighted up a smoke.. and now i'm online.. dunno wat to feel.. fuck it.. got emo again.. hate it when this happens.. haha.. well quite a planned day but ar.. well.. God strengthen my faith.. and do grant me the wings.. because i'm sure i'll be landing hard..

sunday..

as usual, went to church.. pious boy here.. 4 sunday of lent.. holy week coming.. sigh.. busy when that comes along.. anyway.. thanks to the irritating bro damien, wanted to change everything sia.. dunno how to let us do things our usual way bodoh.. argh.. shaun was damn pissed as well.. ahaha.. eugene basket. ran off early.. haha.. well.. then went town meet z.. played billiard.. fucking hell.. thanks to all that DUMB sessions of DOTA.. now all our billiard skills go down the drain.. sigh.. feel damn sad sia.. play billiard now like newbs. well.. then saw the south-east cdc ppl.. doing having their fashion show.. ahah.. omar's hands were like totally coloured bodoh. doing their body art..haha.. met charlene and edwin too!! and they said KEEGAN CAN WALK!! haha.. fast sia!! and he loves COOKIE MONSTER! haha.. damn cute.. cant wait to see him.. most prob tmr.. haha.. well.. went Toy"R"US to visit justin goh.. haha.. fucker was packing barbie stuff..and wearing PINK! damn cute bodoh!! haha.. anyway. took a bus home..something i haven't done in a long time.. haha.. well and so here iam.. online after 2 days.. going back to lifting weights later.. haven;t been doing that 4 the past 2 days.. haha..

this weekend...

these 2 days were pack.. juz having fun.. friday got so muthafucking drunk.. puked like nobody's fucking business balls.. meagan's bdae party.. drank dry gin, vodka, heineken.. alot.. and damn fast.. well.. after tat gab and rei left.. me des, z, laura and mandy went holland v, that's where my puke fest came.. was fucking sober mentally.. but physically fucking wasted.. haha.. well.. des was really a fren bodoh.. thanks bro!.. well.. and mandy.. for taking over after z and des left. (and laura for the fucking awful lime juice..) haha.. well. slept like a pig after that.. and next day.. woke up feeling the hangover.. headfirst till the waist.. (well my stomach suffered badly aiight..) haha.. it was fun though.. haha.. dun worry.. will still be doing it.. for many many many yrs to come.. (tsk tsk..)

hold me..

hold me, like u'll nver let me. Hold me, and we'll run and.. not grow old.. i shouldn't let u go.. cos i love u so.. i'd nver noe.. until i let u go..

motivation

spent the day with the usual, well fianlly got a hair cut.. by Omar, didn't noe his portfolio was that interesting. Haha.. he cuts hair of international and local celebs. haha.. very interesting guy. haha.. well. he really is a good hair stylist, haha.. well he did ask me for a hair cut.. and me being dumb told him 3 different types of concept which really confused him alot.. haha.. "exotic, zen, and a lil gayish?" hahaah.. thanks to rei, haha.. influenced to become gayish.. hahaha.. well.. i'm definitely going shopping with my dad soon, haha.. thinking back, he used to want to bring me to Zara, Top shop all these places to shop, but i didn;t appreciate it last time.. hehe.. now.. its time to spent those amount i saved up for him.. hehe.. ppl.. watch out soon.. *makeover in progress* (laura!!! MY RITE HAND'S SCRATCH MARKS ARE DAMN OBVIOUS LA!!! ARGH!!*)

shopping! ( yes shopping)

aiight.. so it was more like window shopping.. haha.. i do enjoy it u noe.. haha.. but unlike gals.. we guys are more *kiam*.. haha.. wat me, z, rei, xavier, alex did were try all the gay, fucking fucking gay, clothings at Zara, Bodynits & Bods, Topman, Other side and some ulu places which sells those very tight fitting or revealing cloths.. haha.. IT WAS DAMN FUN AND FUNNY LA!.. one time me and z went into the same fitting room.. and fucking tried this green and pink TIGHT-FIT shirt from topman, haha.. the guy at the fitting room was like trying to hide the wide smile he had on his face.. haha.. couldn't stand it.. haha. then wat we do? z wore the pink one i wore the green one and we flaunted ourselves rite out into the shop, haha.. attracting quite a few eyes.(if u noe wat i mean..) haha.. it was damn funny.. haha.. anyway. gab didn't join us cos he wanted to study at home yesterday..(proud of ya!) haha.. anyway.. STUPID ELLIE!! TOOK ALL THE PHOTOS PURPOSELY WITHOUT ME OR HALF MY FACE ONLY!! =[ haha.. well well.. went to meet shaun ard 4 am.. bought 2 big bottles of beer, and gotten lighted up like a red bulb.. haha.. talked about O's and all, then Mr Gonzales came along as well.. haha.. went home and watched soccer.. (ahha Arsenal is out.. hehehe.. fuck wenger..) aiight.. now i'm all dressed up and rdy to leave my house.. BEING A SLACKER WITH NO JOB ROCKS!! haha.. see ya all ARD!!>..

beach.. again..

anyway.. wat i did yesterday was.. getting well done by the lovely sun.. sentosa, silosa beach.. well we planned it to be an outing of 4 guys and 1 ger.. namely.. gab, iylia,z , laura and me.. BUT... in the end only me and gab went there at the meeting time.. and iylia came much later.. and YES PPL.. me and gab were alone at the beach, from 10.30 to ard 1.. and YES it was sad.. very sad.. we felt so *ronEly..*.. haha.. we had lotsa fun.. building sand castle.. and er.. rolling into the sea.. and er.. seeing blangadash walking back and forth.. it was fun.. yea rite.. THANKS Z AND LAURA FOR THE WONDERFUL MORALE SUPPORT U 2 GAVE FOR NOT COMING. yes yes.. well now i'm burnt.. so not complaining much.. haha.. it was fun.. and me and gab BONDED again.. haha.. these few days we 2 had a lot of time to spent together huh.. haha.. wat the hell.. we might even turn gay.!! hehe.. maybe... =p

missed me???

to all out there.. who's been hanging out with me and all... i thank u all for the patience and tolerance u have for me! *claps Claps* really remarkable effort there.. especially gab, z, alex, rei, mandy, iylia, and maybe lil help from laura.. for their high tolerant lvl.. these few weeks i haven't been me for a while.. dun worry i noe u ppl missed me.. my lame jokes, my noisy self, and definitely.. my THICKSKINNESS!!! haha.. so peeps.. BE CAREFUL!! I"M BACK!! betcha miss me... rite? rite?? hehe.. *u can't stop me... uh uh..*

stuck.. at gab's house

YES! i'm STUCK.. at GAB'S house.. uh huh.. cos that idiot lost his keys.. and forgot to tell the sista and so yes.. 2 guys.. stuck in a house.. one is half-naked. (not me hor..) well we were hungry so we ordered PIZZA and the pizza guy was wondering why we didnt open the gate. hahaha.. so funny.. anyway.. u noe wat's a better comedy 10 times funnier then Hitch? NARUTO!!! ( well its funny cos its FUCKING DUMB... haha.) well well ppl. if u are having a bad day.. go download the FAMOUS and V. V POPULAR anime which almost every AH BENG and NERD have in common.. NARUTO!!!! haha.. i swear.. Laughs Guareented.. hahahahahhahahahahahah....... dumb gab,.... he's really into NARUTO..

well this morning.. was comtemplating to go either Cocolatte or catch hitch with gab, z, mand and laura. well.. in the end. i went to catch the movie. well i do have have church today.. haha.. and a dumb altar servers meeting.. haha.. where the head server was also suffering from a hangover.. ( well cos he was the one at cocolatte. haha..) anyway.. Hitch is a nice show.. 5* rating from me.. love comedy.. damn meaningful.. guess alot of us can relate to that show.. hmm.. i especially like the part where the gal said "u think u can fly?" and will smith ans, "no, but i still jumped, and pray to God that i'll grow wings.. " and well he made it. meaning that somethings may seem impossible.. but until u hit smack to the ground, dun juz stay in the air and think, i'm going to die, think wat can i do to live.. ( i noe it sounds dumb..... well.. i relate to that at the moment..) sigh.. that's really something i believe in rite now... so God.. grant me the "wings" i seek..

suffocated by the limited amount of time...

sigh.. time.. sometimes u feel u have lots of it.. other times when u gasp for it and it still seems useless.. that's how i'm feeling rite now.. time is running out.. and i have 4 burdens on my shoulders... juz realised tat my comp can't access the JAE shit cos i dun have the motherfucking JAVA appl. my cousin. who happened to be my boss.. juz
quit he's job.. and now leaving me to talk to the higher boss by myself.. and my deadline for this church thingy i way passed.. i was suppose to do it in Jan and then got delay and now i realised.. its tmr, the deadline.. and of cos the last one. always have been on my mind... sigh.. haha, can't believe i;m whinning over such small matters.. haha. guess that' wat's a blog really good for.. haha..

woke up..

yup.. got snapped back to reality by a wake up call.. literally.. well.. it was my boss.. but wth.. i dun give a shit.. slept at 5 am last nite..went over to shaun's place.. drink a few cans of beer.. and talk alot bout life.. Shaun is one guy whom i noe since both of us were like wat.. kindergarden? cos we both come from the same church.. grew up together and all.. well we talked about the kinda stuff the ppl our age should start thinking about.. and of cos we talked about the paths we were walking now and how our paths taught us.. Upon further reflection.. i did learned alot in life these 2 yrs.. i think a lot of ppl matured as well.. ppl's perspective and mentality can change so much...its like seriously these a the time of ur life whereby changes are
freqently observed.. so much so that its scary.. well life's life that.. sigh.. all i hope is that one thing dun change THAT much...

love is not like a rose..

Love is not like flowers.. whereby watering it everyday will almost definitely bear fruits or flowers.. haha.. think about it.. i'm sure i am...

thinking.. haha.. its non-stop..

haha.. as juz chatting wif laura last nite.. and juz thought about myself.. haha.. i think alot i realise.. non sensically or sensibly.. i dunno.. haha.. juz think alot.. that's why i think i always get emotional.. haha.. well well..ppl.. i dunno

connectivity..

ppl!! yes.. and finally.. i have a fucking cable connection ppl!! haha.. yup.. finally no more 56 k modem.. haha...

looking at life.. from a small perspective..

ppl tend to look at the big picture... they dun learn to appreciate all the little small pieces of the jigsaw that requires patience and hard work to find and fit into it anymore.. well that's juz smth i tot about.. been thinking alot.. haha.. surprise surprise.. = ]

uh huh...

woke up early today. hate myself to wake up so early.. sobering up.. clearing the mind.. shruggin off the sleep.. sigh.. and thinking.. hate that part the most.. well.. got to double check with ngee ann today.. thank GOD my cca is A1.. that way i get a 2 points off. which sorta assures me a place in Ngee Ann business.. really hope to get there.. well.. now at Raiders cafe at Ang Mo Kio.. can;t stand cyber cafes already.. no choice ppl.. no internet at home.. YET..

3 am..

im now back at cyberdome.. but not before work. its 3 am.. and i'm with zac alex, rei and laura.. playing wc.. haha.. one trouble down.. ( my O's) one more to go.. sigh.. the last one is one that i'm filled with regret to say that it'll be there for a while.. anyway.. here i'm.. lacking in nicotine.. rei and gab as well.. all 3 of us smoked only like 2 sticks today.. haha.. that's a record ppl... and i juz finished reading Nicholas Sparks.. The Wedding.. i fucking swear that his books always bring me to tears.. argh.. but this one wasn't that bad.. it wasn't sad.. it was too touching.. sigh.. damn good writer.. ya ya.. i noe.. i'm not like that kinda guy who reads this kinda book.. but wat u noe.. haha.. been a fan of his since last yr ppl.. well.. as usual it made me think of wat's happening in my life.. haha.. well.. gab juz told me he's going to study hard.. and meet us less often on weekdays.. hope he does juz that.. and i told him sats we'll go sentosa!
aha.. afterall both of us get free entrance into sentosa.. hah...

O's.. haha.. dunno to feel happy or sad..

aiight ppl.. hey it is.. i've 22 for L1R5 and 17 for L1R4.. so its not a result to commit suicide.. nor is it good enough to celebrate.. so ya i'm lost.. guess my path would be.. appeal to Business Course... if i can make it.. i'll take it.. if not i'll retake my O's... fight my way into a good jc.. suffer for 2 yrs there and get on to U.. so i dunno yet.. haha.. messed up mood ppl.. haha.. dunno to feel happy or sad.. haha..

O

far. too far..

at rei's house now.. he's not too feeling too good as well.. with james, zac, gab, and rei.. doing nothing much.. juz felt that its too far away to reach.. too too far.. really outta reach.. well.. guess that's how things are sometimes.. rei.. i think the same goes for u too.. well i'm sure bth of us are still hoping.. but ya.. juz try aiight.. i'm trying too.. haha..

time..

do u actually need time? haha.. i think so.. but then if i think time is the factor.. how can i be like this? hmm.. haha.. maybe its juz.. i dunno..

haha.. the song.. i wanna grow old with you..

i wanna make u smile.. whenever ya sad..
carry you ard when yr arithitis is bad..
oh all i wanna do.. is grow old with u..

i'll get ur medicine when ur tummy aches..
build u a fire if the furnace breaks..
it would be so nice growing old with u..

i'll miss u.. kiss u..
give u my coat when u are cold..
need u .. feed u..
even let u hold the remote control..
so let me do the dishes at our kitchen..
put u in bed when u had too much to drink ..
i could be the man who grows old with..

i wanna grow old with u.....

limited.. very...

its not a product.. its juz that i think about it now.. there is limits to my capabilities and abilities.. maybe that;s why. my limits.. like how man can nver fly.. frogs can nver run... and crabs can nver move forward.. guess i finally found my ans.. i'm limited.. and i noe my limits.. = ].. sad.. sad...

its fading.. away...

well. wat isn't? haha.. but to me.. its really fading.. the dream.. and the hope.. last nite enjoyed myself a lil.. at zac's house to celebrate brendon's bdae.. was damn hungry but still cooked for everyone.. then listened to Josh and ian's lame gay and sick jokes.. then i retreated to playground slide.. listened to my mp3.. playing all my songs.. thinking.. that's the part.. thinking.. fuck thoughts.. but ya.. those are wat keeps us alive.. the fading thought of nver ever able to reach.. to even go near.. its heart wrenching.. its not a matter of looking forward.. its juz that once u found something worth it.. u dun wanna even want to let it go.. haha.. i dunno.. i like the exotic and the unique.. maybe.. oh ya! so much for getting a snake again.. darn.. i do miss my snake.. sigh.. ppl tell me there are more things in life.. yes i noe there are.. but i use to think that with mental focusing u can do even the impossible.. haha.. its weird.. i got myself motivated juz by writing this shit.. maybe i should take my time.. patience is a virtue no one in my family other then my grandfather has.. (maybe becos he was old.. well.. he now isn't old anymore.. he's with God..) my mother noes nothing about patience.. my father hates patience.. and my sister? she's is.. but nver with me.. haha.. well i think i write too much? haha.. no one will be reading it anyway.. haha.. so might as well go on.. guess it is a personal blog now.. haha.. the fade.. i hate it.. why do ppl need motivation to move on? sigh.. nvm.. i can motivate myself though i think.. hopefully..

maintain and remember..

maintaining.. focusing.. self motivating.. and of cos remembering.. all these are my main objectives now.. to wat? i dunno.. in wat sense? i have no idea how to put it into words.. i'm feeling weird rite now. haha.. not sad, nor happy, nor empty.. juz fucking fucking weird.. maintaining my schedule.. the goals i set.. the short term goals.. focusing on doing it... motivating myself to do it.. and of cos remembering all of the about.. working on it seems pretty easy.. but seeing no instant results is hard.. though when u look into the mirror and tell urself that it takes time.. it doesn't make it easier.. only the thought of the goal makes it so.. 2 more days till a short change in my daily pattern.. looking forward to it. juz any change would be good rite now.. 2 more days till the O's.. then i'll be busy praying and queuing to get into ngee ann.. and more time for reflections. haha.. and of cos.. NO WORK! .. can't stand workin at that shit hole. and i thought the airport was bad.. haha.. wat an ass..

its impossible..

haha.. i noe ppl say that nothing is impossible.. but these days i've been thinking even more about this phrase.. hoping to find a loophole in something that i can wish for.. but no.. it'll nver come true.. haha.. i accepted the fact yesterday at sentosa.. haha.. sentosa... brings back alot alot alot of memories.. haha.. learnt mahjong there, got tanned there, got burnt there, learned the powerful sting of the jellyfish there, all the jokes we cracked there, all the church camps there, haha.. eh.. rei.. pay the monitor lizard.. haha.. always will have memories there. and definitely much more to come... haha. oh and i think i met andrea there for the first time as well... wait.. ya ya.. haah.. with rachael and all.. i was with nelson i think.. haha. damn long ago. 2 to 3 yrs back. u still had long hair.. haha.. and who can forget. Gab's PEARL!! haha... (private joke.. v v private.. rite gab? ) haha.. anyway.. getting back to the title.. haha.. yes i spent the whole afternoon there thinking about the issue.. and i realised.. its impossible.. haha.. so yes.. it is.. haha.. oh ya.. tonite is ian's bbq! as in his bro's bday. so we'll be all going to zac's house. and i swear ian's bbq always taste fucking good! (not that he cooks.. its the stuff that he orders =) ] haha.. well well.. guess i'm gonna eat fucking lots of meat tonite.. (yes z.. lean meat!! haha..) and mandy.. dun think so much aiight! haha.. really didn't noe how to give u advice on those issues bothering u.. haha.. sorr! haha..

results..

monday ppl.. monday its our results.. hope all of u get the points u wanted.. and i definitely hope tat i'll get mine.. its now or nver.. the feeling sucks. haha.. well.. life's like that.. u dun always get wat u want.. but u definitely hope for the best.. well.. dawn.. thanks for the tag.. but i still have no idea how the fuck u link ppl in ur blog.. and the tag board.. i'll try to get it up.. and celestine!!! confiding partner.. i cut my hair liao la!! haha.. call me and we shall start confiding like the old times once again.. haha.. and my dear gina gina.. good to hear that u are concentrating on ur studies!! hha.. well caryn.. nver heard bout u. so ya.. haha.. anyway.. MY WAN AND ONLY COUZ GEN WAN! haha.where the hell are u! leave a comment la!!! haha..

turning around.. all 180 degrees..

haha.. yes.. i'm u turning back.. haha.. woke up this morning. stared my self in the mirror.. and went.. tat looks good.. (the tan i mean.. hehe..) felt even better.. no muscle aching though yesterday was quite physically challenged.. ( well i chased gab all the way in the water.. non stop for like 10 mins la.. ahha.. both of us had a real good taste of the sea.. literally.. haha..) but the only thing that brought me down today was work.. sigh.. still have to go to that fucked up boring place.. its honestly damn dumb job.. its not really a sales promoter job sia.. all the customers do is come in.. point at that product.. and tells me he or she wants it.. that's all.. i dun even have to open my mouth.. missed my job at DFS.. at least over there.. the pay is better, the environment is good, the food there cheaper, the management there fucked up but is nothing compared to Robinsons.. and of cos.. the customers there are much much talkative.. and they come from all over the world.. talking to them also improves my general knowledge.. haha.. darn.. why i quit ar?.. oh ya.. cos its too too far.. i stay REDHILL PPL!!!

unexpected.. changes..

i'll be expecting alot of changes and new stuff in my life soon.. it'll take about 2 months for that to happen.. haha.. yup.. plus new poly.. meaning new frens.. meaning new lifestyle.. meaning new laptop!! haha.. and the rest of the changes. u all will see.. 2 months.. haha..

the sun, the sea, the beach..

and yes.. juz came back from Sentosa.. wif gab, zac, fann, pat and rei.. all tanned and all.. love my tan.. going to maintain it.. haha.. finally got back to the beach.. missed it.. one thing i love about the beach.. it calms.. and it allows u to have time to think about alot of things in a good mood.. as usual.. i've been thinking about the same questions bout myself.. and guess wat.. i finally wake up.. no point in it u noe wat i'm saying? haha.. been to emotional these few days.. its getting outta hand.. so peeps! i'll be back to normal.. sorry for any inconvenience caused.. though i'll still be thinking about it.. but i have decided to use an alternative route.. haha.. was talking to God as well over there.. (ya and z had to say that he can talk to himself as well..) and no i am not mad.. i was praying..haha.. been in constant touch with God these few days.. haha.. he still loves me.. (hopefully.. u do rite?) well.. haha.. juz very grateful that i actually went to the beach today.. haha.. will be spending time there alot from now on.. haha.. though i'm in town now.. haha.. well well.. life's weird.. love the beach.. ouch.. the sting from the jellyfish..

gabriel.. idiot..

haha.. bloody idiot woke me up like 4 times last nite.. each time i was about to fall asleep.. fucking irritating sia!!! haha..

wat the heck..

haha.. well well.. guess its time i wake up.. but its hard.. i dunno.. been constantly awake and half asleep and all.. well well. HAKUNAMATATA!... it means no worries.!!.. haha.. will try ppl.. will try. God be with me.. amen..

clueless..

these few days have been constant thought bout myself.. and of cos one other thing.. can't believe i'm so messed up.. well come to think of it.. its kinda good.. becos of the other thing.. i've got to reflect on my fucking life.. how fucking wrong it went from 2 yrs ago.. my fucking character and all.. but still it doesn't change anything bout my prob.. wat does God wan me to do? or rather.. wat do i want myself to do.. i dunno man.. my heart is telling me one thing.. while the mind is telling the other.. and i dunno how to listen to God when my whole being is torn apart.. vernon vernon.. how did u get to this? huh? is this really the way u wan it? haha.. i'm mad.. talking to myself.. well.. guess it should happen... nver felt this way in my whole fucking life before.. well. i dun have the guts to express everything yet. maybe one of these days i will.. haha.. though it won't make a fucking diff.. but i'll juz do it.. promise..

God.. almighty.. help me..

Lord.. i'm posting this prayer.. i dunno why.. but its juz tat i've been finding means to converse with u other then normal praying.. anyway. i noe i seldom ask for favours.. cos i find it damn stupid if praying were juz to ask u to help us turn life the way we want it.. u noe that sometimes i pray juz to think of u.. ask in when i pray.. all i do is think of u.. but this time.. i really need 2 favours from u.. well.. one is my O's.. the other one u noe.. been praying about that for a while now.. well God.. i'll be listening... or rather i'll try my best to listen.. and to find the real u talking to me.. well thanks God. for being there for me.. Amen.. Yahwei..

yesterday.. tired..

yesterday was a day that brought me back to sec 2... playing bball the whole. though with gab zac alex and the rest.. unlike my sec 2 days.. playing with my skool team.. going to outside cc and trashing their ass off... haha.. though the feeling is still there.. my skills definitely drop.. haha.. not that i regret much of it.. now i'm feeling the overdose of lactic acid in my system.. the aching of my muscles all over.. the injured legs.. the bruises... haha.. all feel so familiar.. love this feeling.. haha.. juz found out my ntss bball team finally got our dream come true.. without us.. sigh.. and our batch was much better then last yr.. haha. actually most of the last yr's batch is still there.. haha.. but juz the fucking thought that they got through without me.. its fucking heart breaking.. argh! haha.. but all the best ppl!!! dun forget all the fucking training we;ve been through! haah.. still rmb those with full attendance? daryl. zhi ren.. wai chong.. jerold.. and me.hha.. all of us.. always training without the others.. and undergo the same amount of training juz without the no. haha.. always will be in my mind.. now that the feeling of like having a major pt session with beng chee is here.. haha.. i'll be reminded.. always.. ntss bball 2004.. haha.. juz thinking..

Its hard letting you go..

It ain't no fun lying down to sleep
And there ain't no secrets left for me to keep
I wish the stars up in the sky
Would all just call in sick
And the clouds would take the moon out
On some one-way trip

I drove all night down streets that wouldn't bend
But somehow they drove me back here once again
To the place i lost at love, and the place i lost my soul
I wish i'd just burn down this place that we called home
It would all have been so easy
If you'd only made me cry
And told me how you're leaving me
To some organ grinder's lullaby
It's hard, so hard - it's tearing out my heart
It's hard letting you go

Now the sky, it shines a different kind of blue
And the neighbor's dog don't bark like he used to
Well - me, these days
I just miss you - it's the nights that i go insane
Unless you're coming back for me
That's one thing i know that won't change
It's hard, so hard - it's tearing out my heart
It's hard letting you go

Now some tarot card shark said i'll draw you a heart
And we'll find you somebody else new
But i've made my last trip to those carnival lips
When i bet all that i had on you

It's hard, it's hard, it's hard, so hard
It's hard letting you go
It's hard, so hard, it's tearing out my heart
But it's hard letting you go

huh..

i juz dun understand.. haha.. darn.. God's weird.. well.. maybe cos he only lets me see a small piece of his collage..

think..

i dunno who i am.. cos i am not who i am now.. to choose is the question.. though the ans may not be found.. right or wrong may be the ans.. but i decide to toss the dice.. too cover the ans and let my heart tell me wat i see.. underneath the cover.. haha.. i dunno wat the fuck did i juz type.. anyone can??? haha.. i guess not.. only God..haha.. bet he's cracking his head as well.. haah..

arggh!!!

confusion, lackadaisical, emoing, hakunamatata!

awaken..

woke up this morning. feeling worst then ever.. life sure is complexed.. or rather i think we homo sapiens tend to make it that way.. well well.. feeling the body fatigue, emotionally fatigue.. and mental fatigue.. sigh. haha.. guess the only one i'm able to push on will be the mental... other then tat the rest would be like up to God. I dunno wat to think u know.. my mind is telling me one thing.. but my heart another.. well.. not to mention i dunno which one God is telling me to listen.. sometimes he's like that.. u can't hear him though he is screaming at you.. haha.. wonder if he evers get frustrated.. back at cyberdome.. waiting for gabriel to arrive in town.. nowadays emotionally i can't depend on my bros anymore.. haha.. or rather i dun wan to.. its quite irritating.. and i'm always emotionally nowadays.. guess i better change that.. (but how to when u awake every morning thinking about it?) haha.. every nite as well.. wth.. = ]

the future..

its a scary thought... the future.. was juz talking about it to iylia.. my chindian fren of 10 yrs.. my bro from p skool.. haha.. was juz talking bout those who are juz so fucking lucky.. to be able to be flithy rich before turning like 35.. sigh.. haha.. which makes me even more determined to work towards taht goal.. of cos not by slaving myself out.. that's like useless. u need a fucking lucky opp. well juz thinking about it. wat if one day i become damn broke.. taht's a scary tot.. the future.. its scary..

to all those emoing and feeling lost! (gaB!!!)

haha.. Mr Act-like-in-noe-everything is here.. well well.. gab.. cheer up.. "so make the best of this test and dun ask y, its not a question but an answer learned in time.." haha.. aiight bro? haha.. anyway.. have fun emoing peeps! aiight.. serious now.. well here to share some philosophy of mine.. God is there.. he is.. so pour out your heart to him when u are alone.. especially at nite. he won't ans u directly.. but in diff and mystical ways.. he might send u someone to console u.. or any other way.. so juz tell him about it.. aiight.. to those who dun wanna tok to him.. talk to me then! aha.. gimme a call! haha.. well.. ppl.. have fun!..

well wel..

back @ cyberdome.. cos my internet is still not up yet.. hope to get cable by next month.. HEY PPL.. VERNON FINALLY GETTING CABLE! no more jokes bout 56 k!! haha.. well.. was at Rei's house last nite uploading my pics to my frenster.. haha.. well found out something bout Gab! haha.. "i hope u have the time of ur life!" haha.. they had their bbq at punggol end again.. and again i couldn't go.. haha.. well well used to it.. haha.. anyway.. u noe wat's the best part of working alone without ur close frens with u? Nothing.. haha.. only thing is that it gives u more fucking time to think bout ur self, ur life, and the ppl ard u.. i think too much liao la.. haha.. growing white hair bodoh.. haha.. emoing is even worst.. eh ppl.. i swear the song by bon jovi is seriously damn damn nice la.. especially the part where it goes "well its these days that i miss u, its the nites that i go insane.." fucking hell.. every fucking person out there emoing wil understand.. not that i am.. haha.. well. well..

summary of all the streetwear shops at far east.. (feat rei da black and me!)

i went into the NEIGHBOURHOOD where i got SNEAK ATTACKed by an AMBUSH, injuring my LEFT FOOT, so i had no choice but to SURRENDER and to OBEY them. They made me go to SCHOOL to do a X-LARGE COLLAGE using a SPONGE and a special LIQUID from the PARALLEL universe where gab got ripped off..
(to those idiots who have no idea wat i am toking about.. next time u chill at far east.. check out all the shops in CAPS.. haha.. its lame.. but wat u noe?)

working on a sat..

woke up late.. went work late.. got fucked by the supervisor.. needed to do some shitty unneeded stk taking.. and got fucked by my sales rep. haha.. so i guess work went well for me! haha.. no worries.. the management was being a bastard at robinsons.. haha.. well well results next week peeps.. u noe wat? life is full of choices. juz tat now i have no fucking idea wat to choose.. waste my time or not.. hmm... (and that fucker using the comp opp. me is fucking blasting techno la.. fucknig irritating.. ) haha.. well.. guess i'm back to my less emo self. well ppl.. enjoy ur life aiight!

gathering at marina south..!

haha.. last nite was at marina south with the whole group.. my bros and old frens from ij tp.. haha.. the bros.. ting, carrie, my wan and only gen wan( best cuz) kirstine, naddy! haha.. with their bfs.. haha.. really had a loud time.. (wat's new? its the ijrians wat!) haha.. anyway.. after dinner went ps for a movie.. white noise.. fucked up show.. wasted my 8.50.. haha.. though we made quite a commotion..(how not to? z was there.. haha..) went home after that.. maintained my schedule (haha.. my bros would noe.. ) still carrying out as plan. going well! haha.. then went dreamland.. well.. that's all.. nothing else.. haha..

emoing

haha.. i guess i bothered all my close frens with all my emoing these few days.. ppl.. dun worry.. i won't talk about it anymore.. aiight? haha.. but i'm still going to carry on wat i told u all.. hehe.. =]

for the better..

haha.. i have been thinking alot bout myself for the past 2 weeks.. and about life.. and alot more bout God.. i feel that the past 2 weeks have been a gift from God.. to make me think through my life.. myself.. my bros.. and about us.. ( as in me and God..) to make me understand wat kinda person i was.. and wat kinda person i m now.. it makes me wonder how i have become wat i am today.. but i'm thankful to Yahwei ( which means father in hebrew, refering to God) that he made me realised it. and i'll be changing for the better.. and also to remind me that he is with me.. and always will be.. he made me realised that i am such a much better person last time.. (well 3 yrs ago to be exact) maybe he made me go through this time so taht i can learn.. now tat i have.. i shall be back to my old self.. ppl.. plz help me.. and when i get back to my mean self.. tell me! haha.. Thank u Yahwei.. ( i noe it sound corny and all.. but plz... i'm pious to a certain extent.. so dun make fun aiight! = ] ) to all my bros and close frens! Take care all! Miss u those whom i haven't been hanging out with in a while.. u should noe who.. (and can someone plz pass my blog add to GEN WAN! my WAN and only best cousin! haha!.. =]

hakunamatata!

it means no worries worries.. for the rest of ur days! haha.. to all who dunno wat it is.. then u must have a real deprived childhood.. haha.. anyway.. talking to mel on my hp.. and updating my blog at cyberdome.. (to z and gab.. its CYBERDOME not SEX DOME! )!!! haha.. miss andrea hui finally found the internet server in melbourne.. haha.. though i heard carmen still in the dark.. haha.. anyway.. last nite was talking to iylia khan.. and he told me bout someone remixing boulevard of broken dreams with wonderwall by oasis and eminem sing for the glory. and i was like.. wtf? should sound like shit.. and this morning when i woke up and turn on 98.7 that fucking song was on.. but i was like.. hey.. that's kinda nice.. shit! haha.. anyway PEEPS who are waiting for O's RESULTS.. WAIT NO LONGER! its next week.. double shit.. haha.. well well... i like punch my card at 10.30am and i'm still online at the lan shop. hehe.. i'm a real slacker..

i'm learning..

i respect those who respect themselves.. who are willing to push themselves to change to the person they wanna be.. everyone wants to be better.. so there is always a chance to be better.. what the fuck is i am being me.. that's me? u being nice is still u.. u being mean is still being.. so ppl.. accept the fact.. changes occur in life.. ppl WILL change.. so u noe wat? Might as well change for the better..

which way to go..

situations in life always have a 2 ways to move on.. left or right.. one would be the easy way out.. the other would be the harder way out.. choosing them would be up to you.. both routes let u learn something.. one lets u learn how to endure the hardship of life.. the other lets u noe how soft life can be.. haha.. so choose wisely in life.. it shows whether u are the fighter or the runner..
*only the strong survive...*

bros 4 life..

haha.. frens come and go.. but bros stay close.. that's wat i hope it will be.. haha.. though we didn't go through school together.. we've been through thick and thin.. gotten beaten up together.. beat ppl together.. and *smilez* beat each other up once in a while.. haha.. that's how bros are peepz.. i sure hope all my bros will feel the same way.. bros4life... =]

well well

slept at 5 am last nite.. haha.. was emoing with zac.. haha.. its weird how juz 2 weeks back.. both of us couldn't stand each other.. haha..awake at 9 to bore myself at robinson centrepoint.. its fucking boring la.. u noe.. its quite sad nowadays that i awake, and check my fone underneath my pillow and it juz shows my wall paper.. no msg no miss call.. haha.. guess that's how life is sometimes huh.. empty.. but no worries ! haha..

*smilez*

i swear i'm damn bo liao la.. feeling better now! well u all who is reading. better link my URL to your blogs if u have.. haha. aiight.. hakunamatata!

nicotine overdose...

smoking alot today man.. dunno y.. every min juz feel like smoking.. juz finish one pack.. and juz bought another.. and all my bros are still enjoyin themselves in dreamland.. wtf...