Cold Nostalgia

If you're here you probably know/knew me
Whatever the case, help yourself to my blahblahs, however interesting they may be.

bolditalicunderline~~strikeout~~

Saturday, October 28, 2017 @ 10/28/2017 09:43:00 PM

ITS STILL HERE!

OMG

I cant believe my blog is still here.
It has been eons since i last posted anything here
Every year right around this time, I am reminded by Facebook Memories that I went to randomly read my blog 2 years ago and shuddered at all my old entries.

So, since im here....why not right?

Well, its 2017. I'm 30.

YAH

30

HOW THE.....

YEA.

So what did I accomplish for my coming of age into the new decade?
I got my driving licence on 5th Oct 2017 - Yes. I am intending to document this date forever coz it was SUCH a painful process but THANK GOD it only took 1 try.
Although i really dont like the person I am before and after each driving episode, Im still gonna give myself a chance to try and "like" it. I say that loosely.

I think a more accurate term would be....to get "comfortable" with it.
I dont have to LIKE it, i just need to ...be able to do it without getting paranoid and anxious and sweat through my feet when I do.
I realise i beat myself up internally everytime i get a negative comment. I try not to be defensive coz I know it comes from a place of self-blame. But yea..it really eats at me.

Ive also realised that I am really more of a perfectionist that I think I am.
Not with everything but...I guess with myself.
I used to say that I will "always give it my all...no regrets...outcome doesnt matter"...but at the same time I was probed at a self-leadership course some time back when I wrote those words down while trying to come up with a self motto by the facilitator :" why do you think you would regret? what are you thinking will happen?"

At that moment, I remember feeling like my brain just short-circuited and everything just stopped.

It was a motto I kinda lived by since I was 12.
Yes, a lot of definitive moments in my personality and outlook in life were formed by my experiences when I was 11 or 12.
And now, to be told almost 15 odd years later ( back when this episode occurred) that the lesson I thought I taught myself and which has fueled me through everything so far could actually be....a brainwashing message i taught myself that essentially stemmed from FEAR itself.

Yes, the message I thought had given me courage to accept that I am not perfect and that failure was sometimes necessary, actually came from a place of fear once again.

BUT FEAR OF WHAT?!?!

Fear of accepting ...myself.
Me and my imperfections.
Me and my idiosyncracies.
Me and my lack of confidence in ...me.

So yes...since then..I am still learning and reminding myself that this is the next phase of ME that i need to work on.
I forget most of the time and lapse into old habits ( Ness, give yourself a break before you go all judgy on yourself again, i have spent the majority of my life living and thinking this way haha)
But when i do, I try.

So well ness...

the trying aint over. and it may never be

Nevertheless.

Let's keep moving shall we?

And till my next post....Adios amigos.

Sidenote: Maybe I should do this more often. It IS kinda therapeutic :D

Thursday, September 06, 2012 @ 9/06/2012 12:06:00 AM

fear grips

So here i am again

I guess i just need to do more self talk these days so i need to be here to ventilate my thoughts

So tomorrow Im gg to BVH for a 2 hour facility tour...Im just really happy im not gg alone...

I guess i just need to stop worrying...its hard though..its always hard to not worry even though i know very well that its a waste of energy over sth that you have no control over/ may not even happen.. but...i am still human...a pessimistic one at that.

I think i just need to admit it to myself

I am afraid of her
I am afraid of bruising my ego
I am afraid that my life will be hell once i go over although everyone says its better there
I am afraid

so...i need to have confidence? and i need to believe that i can?
but based on WHAT?! ARGHHHHHH!!!!

everytime someone mentions 'farewell' or ' wont see you anymore' i really feel like im gg to the land of the neglected and i feel this immense sadness...and im not even resigning dammit. Im just rotating out of main campus..but it feels like my friends will disappear...coz that seems to be what is happening with the people alr there..sigh...i dont even know what im feeling now..

fear?
sadness?

maybe i should turn this energy into a positive one

i DID afterall say that i wanted to go to
and why did i say yes? coz i wanted to expand my knowledge
and to have a better idea of what exactly i want as part of my career progression

so i should stay objective? and think of the big picture......? maybe i should
just gotta TONG it through baby

*psychopsychopsycho*

ok i forsee more blogs from me till i settle down emotionally

for now...thats it from me...i need to snooze to get to serangoon by 715/20 tomorrow...

Sunday, September 02, 2012 @ 9/02/2012 11:32:00 PM

a full circle

OH GOODNESS

IT HAS BEEN FREAKIN EONS SINCE I BLOGGED ANYTHING

the last entry was a year and a month back

well as i mentioned in the post from a year back
im usually only here when i need to rant about sth
or when i need to sort out my thoughts

so the last entry was abt the rotation to GRM..
and folks it wasnt as daunting as i thought it would be ( i think i just like to stress myself out)
and in fact i think i liked it a lot
Geriatrics...dementia...may very well be my interest area..

In any case
well this time its something similar.. I am gonna rotate AGAIN to REHAB at BVH

oh and just for the record, i only JUST joined the neuro team for like...3 months?
I was just getting comfy and getting the hang of learning things
getting used to the boss and her weirdness and then

BAMM!!!

I was bombed with the news on friday i would be rotating again coz of manpower shortage issues

ok here are my issues with this rotation:
- I want to go the rehab team purely for educational and experience sake
- I wasnt supposed to be part of this round of rotation in the first place and now i suddenly am?! and im rotating on the 10th Sept?!?!?! THATS IN 1 WEEK!!!
- I need to be mentally prepared right?!?! like not only is it a new team to me, its a whole freakin new place!!
- The place is so bloody far in Hougang. HOUGANG as opposed to SGH. AHHHH!!!
- THE XIAO LAO BAN THERE....OHEMGEE JUST KILL ME. i was under her before when i first started work and well..shes good at her work but she scares me too and not only that....she plays favourtism..and i dunno where i stand in her books honestly...
- SHE was one of the main reasons why i was so damn quiet during my 1st 6 months of work. I was so wary and scared that i was doing /would do something wrong and earn myself a spot in the wrong side of the book without even knowing it....
- my routines, my friends at work, my systems...they're all gonna change in just a week...

I just dont like how poor planing on the boss' part becomes sth that i have to suffer the repercussions of. that isnt how the world is supposed to function?!?!....right? :/

but in any case, so the story ends with me trying to bargain for a longer time in SGH but losing in the end coz basically my emotional well-being doesnt matter when it comes to work. I guess i should just 'grow up' and 'be an adult'...but does that then mean that adults dont feel worried about things like that? such things dont bother them? ah well.... i dunno anymore..nothing about my life feels adult anw other than work, work and AND MORE work.

so what can i do now that i have 1 more week in SGH? enjoy it while i can. thats really all tt can be done. and pray that the placement wont be as bad as it seems and even if it really is...then ill just have to pray that i have enough emotional strength to last through it..

HWAITINGGGGGGG~

Wednesday, August 03, 2011 @ 8/03/2011 09:28:00 PM

Learning curve begins

once again im here again

only to well...talk to myself

which is neccessary at times like these

where i need to give myself a prep-talk

so well yes im not doing ortho anymore

and now im in geri

like the REAL GRM

and im quite happy actually that ive been given the opportunity

its more challenging

i question myself, 2nd guess myself

feels horrid but it drives me to read more and gear myself towards evidence based practice

i guess thats what happens whenever you have to learn sth new

but im quite welcoming of it for now

so with this heavy-heartedness

i shall persevere and push myself to read and study to make sure im more competent in my work

sadly im the kind that needs to be pushed by fear and not by interest

AHAHAH!

ah wells.

at least i know there are new things to learn everyday

work is def not a bore...this is why im in this profession and......YES. i shld embrace it and not be afraid of ppl thinking that im stupid.

HWAITING~

and on a side note

IM GG TO SHINEE WORLD CONCERT SG!!!!! * ARGHHHHHH*

Saturday, May 21, 2011 @ 5/21/2011 10:27:00 PM

why i hate change

time for one of my random rants/theories in life thought sessions whatever you wanna call it. its been a while but the topic just came and well here i am to vomit it out in writing before it goes into a neverending spiral of thinking. if you wanna read it, dont judge me thats all i can say coz well, you have no right to now do you? ahaha! :

this is why i hate change

ppl say if you cant accept change then = rigid

why cant ppl understand tt it is CRUCIAL that some things stay the SAME ?

and some things just move with the times...

and with so many things on your palate

its quite impossible to devote attention to everything to make sure tt you're moving together with it at the same or if not, a similar pace as we all slide along with time

some things trail behind

its normal

understandable

but the thing is you have to decide WHAT you want to leave to trail behind, well a nicer way to put it is : catch up/tend to at a later time

but everyone and everything fights to be on the top of tt priority list

this is life

but it doesnt mean that i have to be alright with it

PEOPLE

I AM ONLY HUMAN

know that there is a reason why i seem to be 'bo chup' or opinion-less most of the time

easy-going, pushover ...whatever you wanna call me, fine.

my reason ( retarded or not) is tt i save my energy for the "more impt " things which need deciding

if whatever it is can do without tending/attention from me for now, then i will let you be at your comfy spot while i try to settle some other parts of my life...

but dont assume tt im 100% happy, its just tt im pretty easy-going but tt doesnt mean i dont have preferences ALL the time.

needs change with time

diff things happen that change our perspective but not necessarily our personalities

im not a "clingy" person and i try to not expect ppl to "cling" to me too

i know it sounds harsh but ive learnt to let ppl come and go in my life, had tt hard lesson taught to me since i was a child

you could say i have commitment issues at a glance

but it doesnt mean tt i dont treasure the ppl ard me

i just know that things like tt are not indefinite and if there are, its a true true blessing esp to those tt hang in there for the longest :)

this is why i wish time would just stop sometimes

change is shit

but at the same time it makes us grow

but whether we can deal with the outcome of the growth spurt, is another thing altogether

end of the day: its hard to be human but not impossible so well....hwaiting~

Tuesday, April 19, 2011 @ 4/19/2011 10:49:00 PM

I HATE MY BORING LIFE DAMMIT

i would rather live in a drama now

at least its more interesting there

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

*cries*

delusions..can be so comforting...

Monday, April 18, 2011 @ 4/18/2011 08:10:00 PM

heavy-heartedness

wow its been AGES

and i MEAN ages

which i think is good?

but i suddenly feel like im a reflecting mood

im not really sure what triggered it but well

i dunno i think coz my life is about to ......have some minor changes again

i kinda hate myself for being such a......i dunno...slow and rigid person?

i take time to oil my gears when they have to be reset?

i take time to re-adjust?

i take time to basically do anything....

WHY is my brain so retarded

i think im upset with myself today coz i was expecting more out of myself?

i was expecting to hit stats today with the new coverage

but in the end i still couldnt manage..i think my menstrual cramps got the better of me

but still!!!! sigh....

and now with the rotation

ok i am REALLY very thankful tt im not being rotated to THAT team

so im safe for now

but.....its not for long i'll tell you that

its only a matter of time

esp the longer i stay

but then again...this is the reason i joined an acute setting right?

to try all areas and gain exposure

so no going back on tt plan ness

gotta stick to it and move forward

think of the BIG picture.

lets see after......6 more months..

but in any case..

hwaiting to me

ok i still have time to prepare myself

i need to....psych myself?

ARGH!!!!!!!!!!

SO many things on my mind

not tt they are all bothering me particularly now though

but ill tell you this...they are bugging me in the bg though...

its like poison

worrying is poison...slow-acting poison

and guess what? im full of it.

which means what? ill die in due time.

LOVELY.

*goes mad*

OK NESS

HWAITING~

gonna enjoy my current team while i can

learn all i can for now

I..........will try not to think so much :)

affiliates Amelia Valerie Fiona Ying Hui Maylyn Alethea Yimei Kin Sing Sarah Shu Zhen ACAREAK
Saturday, October 28, 2017 @ 10/28/2017 09:43:00 PM ITS STILL HERE! OMG I cant believe my blog is still here. It has been eons since i last posted anything here Every year right around this time, I am reminded by Facebook Memories that I went to randomly read my blog 2 years ago and shuddered at all my old entries. So, since im here....why not right? Well, its 2017. I'm 30. YAH 30 HOW THE..... YEA. So what did I accomplish for my coming of age into the new decade? I got my driving licence on 5th Oct 2017 - Yes. I am intending to document this date forever coz it was SUCH a painful process but THANK GOD it only took 1 try. Although i really dont like the person I am before and after each driving episode, Im still gonna give myself a chance to try and "like" it. I say that loosely. I think a more accurate term would be....to get "comfortable" with it. I dont have to LIKE it, i just need to ...be able to do it without getting paranoid and anxious and sweat through my feet when I do. I realise i beat myself up internally everytime i get a negative comment. I try not to be defensive coz I know it comes from a place of self-blame. But yea..it really eats at me. Ive also realised that I am really more of a perfectionist that I think I am. Not with everything but...I guess with myself. I used to say that I will "always give it my all...no regrets...outcome doesnt matter"...but at the same time I was probed at a self-leadership course some time back when I wrote those words down while trying to come up with a self motto by the facilitator :" why do you think you would regret? what are you thinking will happen?" At that moment, I remember feeling like my brain just short-circuited and everything just stopped. It was a motto I kinda lived by since I was 12. Yes, a lot of definitive moments in my personality and outlook in life were formed by my experiences when I was 11 or 12. And now, to be told almost 15 odd years later ( back when this episode occurred) that the lesson I thought I taught myself and which has fueled me through everything so far could actually be....a brainwashing message i taught myself that essentially stemmed from FEAR itself. Yes, the message I thought had given me courage to accept that I am not perfect and that failure was sometimes necessary, actually came from a place of fear once again. BUT FEAR OF WHAT?!?! Fear of accepting ...myself. Me and my imperfections. Me and my idiosyncracies. Me and my lack of confidence in ...me. So yes...since then..I am still learning and reminding myself that this is the next phase of ME that i need to work on. I forget most of the time and lapse into old habits ( Ness, give yourself a break before you go all judgy on yourself again, i have spent the majority of my life living and thinking this way haha) But when i do, I try. So well ness... the trying aint over. and it may never be Nevertheless. Let's keep moving shall we? And till my next post....Adios amigos. Sidenote: Maybe I should do this more often. It IS kinda therapeutic :D back to top?
Thursday, September 06, 2012 @ 9/06/2012 12:06:00 AM fear grips So here i am again I guess i just need to do more self talk these days so i need to be here to ventilate my thoughts So tomorrow Im gg to BVH for a 2 hour facility tour...Im just really happy im not gg alone... I guess i just need to stop worrying...its hard though..its always hard to not worry even though i know very well that its a waste of energy over sth that you have no control over/ may not even happen.. but...i am still human...a pessimistic one at that. I think i just need to admit it to myself I am afraid of her I am afraid of bruising my ego I am afraid that my life will be hell once i go over although everyone says its better there I am afraid so...i need to have confidence? and i need to believe that i can? but based on WHAT?! ARGHHHHHH!!!! everytime someone mentions 'farewell' or ' wont see you anymore' i really feel like im gg to the land of the neglected and i feel this immense sadness...and im not even resigning dammit. Im just rotating out of main campus..but it feels like my friends will disappear...coz that seems to be what is happening with the people alr there..sigh...i dont even know what im feeling now.. fear? sadness? maybe i should turn this energy into a positive one i DID afterall say that i wanted to go to and why did i say yes? coz i wanted to expand my knowledge and to have a better idea of what exactly i want as part of my career progression so i should stay objective? and think of the big picture......? maybe i should just gotta TONG it through baby psychopsychopsycho ok i forsee more blogs from me till i settle down emotionally for now...thats it from me...i need to snooze to get to serangoon by 715/20 tomorrow... back to top?
Sunday, September 02, 2012 @ 9/02/2012 11:32:00 PM a full circle OH GOODNESS IT HAS BEEN FREAKIN EONS SINCE I BLOGGED ANYTHING the last entry was a year and a month back well as i mentioned in the post from a year back im usually only here when i need to rant about sth or when i need to sort out my thoughts so the last entry was abt the rotation to GRM.. and folks it wasnt as daunting as i thought it would be ( i think i just like to stress myself out) and in fact i think i liked it a lot Geriatrics...dementia...may very well be my interest area.. In any case well this time its something similar.. I am gonna rotate AGAIN to REHAB at BVH oh and just for the record, i only JUST joined the neuro team for like...3 months? I was just getting comfy and getting the hang of learning things getting used to the boss and her weirdness and then BAMM!!! I was bombed with the news on friday i would be rotating again coz of manpower shortage issues ok here are my issues with this rotation: - I want to go the rehab team purely for educational and experience sake - I wasnt supposed to be part of this round of rotation in the first place and now i suddenly am?! and im rotating on the 10th Sept?!?!?! THATS IN 1 WEEK!!! - I need to be mentally prepared right?!?! like not only is it a new team to me, its a whole freakin new place!! - The place is so bloody far in Hougang. HOUGANG as opposed to SGH. AHHHH!!! - THE XIAO LAO BAN THERE....OHEMGEE JUST KILL ME. i was under her before when i first started work and well..shes good at her work but she scares me too and not only that....she plays favourtism..and i dunno where i stand in her books honestly... - SHE was one of the main reasons why i was so damn quiet during my 1st 6 months of work. I was so wary and scared that i was doing /would do something wrong and earn myself a spot in the wrong side of the book without even knowing it.... - my routines, my friends at work, my systems...they're all gonna change in just a week... I just dont like how poor planing on the boss' part becomes sth that i have to suffer the repercussions of. that isnt how the world is supposed to function?!?!....right? :/ but in any case, so the story ends with me trying to bargain for a longer time in SGH but losing in the end coz basically my emotional well-being doesnt matter when it comes to work. I guess i should just 'grow up' and 'be an adult'...but does that then mean that adults dont feel worried about things like that? such things dont bother them? ah well.... i dunno anymore..nothing about my life feels adult anw other than work, work and AND MORE work. so what can i do now that i have 1 more week in SGH? enjoy it while i can. thats really all tt can be done. and pray that the placement wont be as bad as it seems and even if it really is...then ill just have to pray that i have enough emotional strength to last through it.. HWAITINGGGGGGG~ back to top?
Wednesday, August 03, 2011 @ 8/03/2011 09:28:00 PM Learning curve begins once again im here again only to well...talk to myself which is neccessary at times like these where i need to give myself a prep-talk so well yes im not doing ortho anymore and now im in geri like the REAL GRM and im quite happy actually that ive been given the opportunity its more challenging i question myself, 2nd guess myself feels horrid but it drives me to read more and gear myself towards evidence based practice i guess thats what happens whenever you have to learn sth new but im quite welcoming of it for now so with this heavy-heartedness i shall persevere and push myself to read and study to make sure im more competent in my work sadly im the kind that needs to be pushed by fear and not by interest AHAHAH! ah wells. at least i know there are new things to learn everyday work is def not a bore...this is why im in this profession and......YES. i shld embrace it and not be afraid of ppl thinking that im stupid. HWAITING~ and on a side note IM GG TO SHINEE WORLD CONCERT SG!!!!! * ARGHHHHHH* back to top?
Saturday, May 21, 2011 @ 5/21/2011 10:27:00 PM why i hate change time for one of my random rants/theories in life thought sessions whatever you wanna call it. its been a while but the topic just came and well here i am to vomit it out in writing before it goes into a neverending spiral of thinking. if you wanna read it, dont judge me thats all i can say coz well, you have no right to now do you? ahaha! : this is why i hate change ppl say if you cant accept change then = rigid why cant ppl understand tt it is CRUCIAL that some things stay the SAME ? and some things just move with the times... and with so many things on your palate its quite impossible to devote attention to everything to make sure tt you're moving together with it at the same or if not, a similar pace as we all slide along with time some things trail behind its normal understandable but the thing is you have to decide WHAT you want to leave to trail behind, well a nicer way to put it is : catch up/tend to at a later time but everyone and everything fights to be on the top of tt priority list this is life but it doesnt mean that i have to be alright with it PEOPLE I AM ONLY HUMAN know that there is a reason why i seem to be 'bo chup' or opinion-less most of the time easy-going, pushover ...whatever you wanna call me, fine. my reason ( retarded or not) is tt i save my energy for the "more impt " things which need deciding if whatever it is can do without tending/attention from me for now, then i will let you be at your comfy spot while i try to settle some other parts of my life... but dont assume tt im 100% happy, its just tt im pretty easy-going but tt doesnt mean i dont have preferences ALL the time. needs change with time diff things happen that change our perspective but not necessarily our personalities im not a "clingy" person and i try to not expect ppl to "cling" to me too i know it sounds harsh but ive learnt to let ppl come and go in my life, had tt hard lesson taught to me since i was a child you could say i have commitment issues at a glance but it doesnt mean tt i dont treasure the ppl ard me i just know that things like tt are not indefinite and if there are, its a true true blessing esp to those tt hang in there for the longest :) this is why i wish time would just stop sometimes change is shit but at the same time it makes us grow but whether we can deal with the outcome of the growth spurt, is another thing altogether end of the day: its hard to be human but not impossible so well....hwaiting~ back to top?
Tuesday, April 19, 2011 @ 4/19/2011 10:49:00 PM I HATE MY BORING LIFE DAMMIT i would rather live in a drama now at least its more interesting there AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH cries delusions..can be so comforting... back to top?
Monday, April 18, 2011 @ 4/18/2011 08:10:00 PM heavy-heartedness wow its been AGES and i MEAN ages which i think is good? but i suddenly feel like im a reflecting mood im not really sure what triggered it but well i dunno i think coz my life is about to ......have some minor changes again i kinda hate myself for being such a......i dunno...slow and rigid person? i take time to oil my gears when they have to be reset? i take time to re-adjust? i take time to basically do anything.... WHY is my brain so retarded i think im upset with myself today coz i was expecting more out of myself? i was expecting to hit stats today with the new coverage but in the end i still couldnt manage..i think my menstrual cramps got the better of me but still!!!! sigh.... and now with the rotation ok i am REALLY very thankful tt im not being rotated to THAT team so im safe for now but.....its not for long i'll tell you that its only a matter of time esp the longer i stay but then again...this is the reason i joined an acute setting right? to try all areas and gain exposure so no going back on tt plan ness gotta stick to it and move forward think of the BIG picture. lets see after......6 more months.. but in any case.. hwaiting to me ok i still have time to prepare myself i need to....psych myself? ARGH!!!!!!!!!! SO many things on my mind not tt they are all bothering me particularly now though but ill tell you this...they are bugging me in the bg though... its like poison worrying is poison...slow-acting poison and guess what? im full of it. which means what? ill die in due time. LOVELY. goes mad OK NESS HWAITING~ gonna enjoy my current team while i can learn all i can for now I..........will try not to think so much :) back to top?