Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.
Tuesday, March 01, 2011
Can one really erase the memories, just like that?
♥ my red umbrella
00:09
You're the reason I believe in Love.
Monday, February 07, 2011
It's been almost 6 months, and it still hurts when I think of you.
I too, have been running around in circles for the past months... Regret, guilt, loneliness, misery. I fight to become stronger and I am fine for awhile, but then something somewhere somehow triggers the memories and I am weak all over again. I feel incomplete without you.
But I know now that there is no turning back; things will never be the same again even if I try. And I know you're happier now... Perhaps that is all that matters.
I love you bee, I still do. But I am letting go of you.
I will not fall back on the familiar anymore... I'd rather preserve the beauty of what we shared, than to ruin it any further. I know this is what both of us need.
I am truly sorry for hurting you, and I hope that you will find your special someone soon to regain your faith in Love and Humanity.
Thank you for being there for me during my darkest moments, and for showing me what Love is. Thank you for being my best friend, and for being just the way you are.
If given a chance to turn back time to that fateful day on November 13, 2006, 23:45, I'd still say yes. Because you are one of the most beautiful encounter in my life, and I'd never forget everything we went through together - the smiles and laughter, the knowing looks in our eyes, the fights, the promises, the hugs and kisses, the Love.
Goodbye to you.
♥ my red umbrella
19:41
Mindfucked.
Friday, November 12, 2010
I concede defeat.
I too, have lost faith in the values of humanity.
It doesn't matter how hard I try to rebuild my life, because the very foundation of it has been shaken. Badly. It's like building layers of bricks on wooden stilts... Kick the stilt gently and it all comes crumbling down once again.
WHY??
Is this how the real world works? The trusting ones get hurt by the deceitful, who ruthlessly destroy the systems that have been painstakingly built and then walk away, victorious? How on earth do these "people" find the means to mess up the proper lives of others? Why do these "people" even exist, and what are they living for, without a conscience, morals and decency? What has education, affluence and development done to them?
Just what kind of a sadistic world are we living in???---
You are an asshole, a jerk, a bastard, a cheat, a dog, a fucker, a creep, a scoundrel, a douche bag, a man-whore, a coward, a scum, a hypocrite, a pimp, a sinner, a fraud, a monster, a liar, a maggot, a fucktard, and
a low, low, low life. Your life is built on nothingness; you don't have to dig deep within to find emptiness, because all you have is a fake pride, deceits and hypocrisy. Education has done nothing to you - you are living proof of how the system has failed to incorporate morality, maturity and decency.
Beneath all that facade, you are no more than a fucking loser.
♥ my red umbrella
21:45
My first day at work, first email sent. :)
Thursday, November 11, 2010
♥ my red umbrella
17:31
Tuesday, November 02, 2010
I am back. Not bigger, not better. But with a ginormous load on my shoulders and a very weary heart.
In a short, short span of 2 months, I have hurt all the people I love most, putting them through a pain that is enough to spin their world the other way round.
With my sheer impulse and foolishness, I have caused a damage that is so, so huge; things spun way out of control before I could even fully grasp the situation and suddenly, my world was crashing down.
What I have done is unforgivable – I will never be able to let go, no matter what. I haven’t even been able to sleep well for the past weeks because I am afraid… Afraid of loneliness, afraid of consequences, afraid of the nastier things Life will bring me. 2010 has been really, really cruel to me – I don’t know what is it that I have done to deserve all these, though I am fully aware that I have screwed things up myself…
Can Time really heal?
If it does… I hope it heals those I have hurt – my mummy, auntie carmen and him; because they deserve no less.
I am sorry, Daddy. I really am.
♥ my red umbrella
23:55
It's been 3 years and 9 months.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
I have always believed that one of the fundamental elements in a long-lasting relationship is
mutual respect.
Bound to fail, he said to me today. And when in defense I said that
many entrepreneurs have failed countless times before they succeeded too, he said that there were some who failed all the way and never succeeded. And that I might be
one of them.
Just weeks ago, he said that he couldn't picture me being in a managerial position at all because I cannot lead.
I don't know how the complete mental image he has of me is like.. but from the bits and pieces I've picked up so far, I don't think I'd like to know. It seems very different from my self-perception, and perhaps, my closest friends' perceptions of me...
Is it because I've shared too much of the emotional side of me? Is it because more often than not, I'd let my heart rule and be irrational, simply because I chose Love over Logic? Is it because I'm not even resolute in taking my stand when we fight and just let it slide, time and again? Or is it because I've shown him my most vulnerable side - my fears, my worries, my insecurities?
True enough, he has been far more capable than I have ever been. Local university, great grades, active executive committee member and cell director in ECA, a well-respected leader in camps, a captain.
We did the same course in uni and studied in the same college, and his results just proved that my hard work is incomparable with his intellect. It doesn't matter that I scored straight As for my Os, because he says it doesn't count since I failed in college. It doesn't matter that I had distinctions for 3/4 of my degree because it was a private school. It doesn't matter that at an age of 19 and yes it was a short stint, but I successfully set up my own blog shop selling hand-made accessories, which my parents were so proud of.
It has been 3 years and 9 months since I entrusted my heart to this man. Strangely, it seems to me that as our relationship grows older, he treats it with less. Less respect, less tenderness, less care. He knows that I've always valued the words he say but he doesn't make the least effort to rephrase them to become constructive comments instead of demeaning words. He knows that I won't take kindly to deprecating words that make me seem less capable than I really am, but he still says them all the same.
He doesn't understand that I get so disappointed when he does such things. He doesn't know that up till today, when he reaches out for my hand as we walk, when he holds my waist, when he turns to make sure I'm following behind him, it still makes my heart skip a beat. He doesn't know that when we fight and I cry, it is not to gain pity, but because my heart would contract and it hurts a lot.
He doesn't know that in everything I do, I put him before myself unknowingly.
Happy 45th monthversary, my love.
♥ my red umbrella
00:33
Friendship.
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Even I, as a complete stranger and bystander to the whole story, felt touched by the short video clip that spanned mere minutes. I saw how each and everyone of them were willing to give their all just to fight for the 'glory', even though it was the first day they've met.
But it was not the glory they were going after. It was the friendship that has bonded them so tightly together - the earlier generations had passed on the flame of friendship that was burning so brightly in their hearts and positively influenced the fresh ones, igniting the same flame in them.
Bit by bit, I've come to understand the frustrations surrounding R. I was jealous of his friendship, because I thought he valued them more than me. What was I thinking? Of course he would - these are the people who have gone through shit with him, literally. These are the ones who've shown him their selfless love through their actions. They stuck with each other, encouraged each other and were there for each other. They even drank juice from the same bottle with a tiny opening using straws............ but I digress.
If I could turn back time, I'm not sure if I would have the courage to take part myself. But I'm glad R did. He is exposed to an experience like no other, something not every student, or even those who participated in the same camp, would have. He opened his heart and in turn, broadened his mind to become an awesome friend. No wonder he is such a popular figure everytime. No wonder most of them enjoys his company.
Who am I to control his destiny?
♥ my red umbrella
01:25
