Tomorrow I will be reporting back to work. I can’t believe it had been 14 months of ‘rest’ already!? It certainly was not a rest!! The day-to-day toil which started the moment my eyes opened from sleep (as most of the time it was because my boy who woke me up!) until he eventually fell asleep for the night – there was never a break during these 12 hours or so. Making milk, changing diapers, washing up his poop and soiled clothing, preparing meals, rocking him to nap/sleep, on constant alert for potential danger when he is playing, laundry, etc etc.. not to mention the interrupted sleep at night for his night feed. It is physically tiring, mentally exhausting. I look forward to going back to work, but I could not bear leaving him in the care of strangers especially when he still appears reluctant to go to school. I love my boy; he brings so much joy to me and fills up my heart. I am grateful that he decided to choose us as his parents and came into our lives. I just want him to be happy.

But I have to work; needed the income unfortunately. And I actually look forward to going back to work. These 14 months were definitely a more than enough long break from work. I have been raring to go again, after the defeating experience in my last portfolio. Perhaps being ‘’out’’ of it gave me a clearer perspective, or simply having my boy after trying for 7 years finally relieved me from my long-term despair and depression; I feel that I am stronger now, and more prepared to take on the challenge. I probably had the capability back then, but I was just not emotionally ready to deal with it. I am ready to face it now, and I want to prove to myself that I can do it. That it is not beyond me.

I know I need to and I want to love myself more, to be more confident of myself. My boy gives me the strength to go on, and the reason to work hard. He sacrificed spending time with his mum so that I can go to work – I need to make sure his sacrifice is not wasted.

Jiayou mummy.

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