Running thoughtsi like running at night... because of the cool breeze, the quiet surrounding, the darkness and the music. It gives me the personal time and space i need, and i always end up reflecting and reminiscing the past.
sometimes i would look back at what happened at work for the day and asked myself if i did well, if i did right, if things could be better, if i should do something about some things.
sometimes i would think back about how i met my hubby 8 years ago, about the many times when fate played us out, about how he was always somewhere near me like my guardian angel, about how he hugged me ecstatically when i finally said yes on both occasions, about how he continues to be the sweet loving thoughtful guy that always puts me before him and how content and happy i am right now.
sometimes i would think about the many good friends i used to have but eventually lost touch with because i am simply not good at maintaining the friendships. i blame it on my inability to maintain a conversation. i blame it on my shyness. i blame it on my passivity. I blame it on my fear of attending gatherings or to ask friends out because i am afraid of getting into the awkward silence.
i thought about these friends today. i thought about the good times we had, i thought about the hurt we had caused each other. i wondered how they are doing now, and i wondered how things would change if i take the step out to say "hi, i still think of you sometimes. i hope u r doing well, i hope we can put the bad things behind us, and i hope we are still friends."
it will take me a lot of courage to be able to take this step. And even if i mustered the courage to take this first step, will i have the courage to face the response? Can I handle rejection? Can I take the truth?
it is definitely so much easier to just keep it as a thought.
signing off @ 12:05 am with
Saturday, August 13, 2011
My ViosI brought my car to the workshop again for the 90k servicing. It is supposed to be the standard servicing, but eventually i paid a total of around $750… because i changed my absorbers and a new battery. The absorbers were not jammed but very soft - the back of the car kept hitting the ground with a loud thud whenever i drove over humps. I had to change them. The battery was so drained that the workshop said that if I had not changed it today, it would not be able to start the car tmr if it rains. (how has it got to do with the rain???) nonetheless, since the existing battery has been used for 4 years, it is time to change so i agreed to it.
i collected my car with a hopeful anxiety that the drive must definitely feel much better? The engine indeed cranked up in a quarter of the time it used to when i turned the key. And it was indeed much more stable when it crossed over humps. However somehow i felt that it had lost a little of its acceleration power. Is it because I was holding back a little as the car seems 'new' to me again after the servicing, or it takes a little while for the engine to 'run in' with the new oil?
I asked to do wheel alignment too but the workshop advised me to change the tyres first. I've only changed them 2 years ago! Does it wear out so fast? oh man.
It is so expensive to maintain a car, especially one that is into its 6 yrs and above. And i still want to send it for grooming (since ages ago) to get back the shine! Should i heck it and just spend the $? But recession is likely to be on the way…
signing off @ 4:01 pm with
Wednesday, August 03, 2011
Closing a chapterAt last, the frantic days were over. The super stressful period of super long hours of computer staring and reading and shooting emails and preparing briefs and talking points and coordinating schedules and running around and staying back in office and lacking slp and fighting the flu bug and all… gosh. The work itself had been extremely tiring, but yes, looking back it was really enriching and I did learn a lot.
The difficult part about these two months is not the job itself. It is about coping with the pressure I created for myself, about taking on the self-amplified guilt i felt for not being able to do my core work. And to make it even worse, my already-overwhelmed-with-work colleagues had to slog even harder to take up my job and I bet none of them understand how equally hard, or perhaps harder, I was working too. I felt like I have left and neglected the team out of selfishness. It was so draining on me mentally.
It made me think and reflect a lot. You know how some people went through certain ordeals and was enlightened and become a changed person? This is of course not of THAT magnitude but I believe it has got me started thinking about certain things and I hope it will lead me to be stronger and more mature in my thoughts. I also hope I will gain the confidence and belief I need for myself, and that I will work towards creating a more positive working environment for the people around me. It will take a lot of hard work and effort to sustain this, esp with my type of personality, so I will need to keep reminding myself not to lose this focus when things get stressful again.
From this episode I also realised I had really understanding bosses whom I appreciate a lot, though I have no idea how to show my appreciation for them except to work hard for them. Of course, the relatively poor bosses hence stand out like a sore thumb and I simply have no respect for them. My 'attitude' is surfacing at work. I know this is 'oh no', but I can't help it. It is revolting working with people I have no respect for. I don't think I am that difficult a person to work with (i hope I am right), so if anyone does get on my nerves so much that I lose all respect for him… *sigh*
I am definitely getting jaded at work and I can feel the negative impact on myself. And I realise it is not who or what or where I am working in that resulted in this. It is myself. It is my mindset, my perspective, my self-thoughts that determines how happy I can be. I need to change my mindset and get some positive energy flowing. I want to be able to laugh happily and smile at everyone at work again.