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salaam all.

last Friday, i went thru a whole lotta events.

Ended work chop2 to catch the announcement of the bidding to host the YOG 2010 @ The Padang. Me, Decky and Haizam went over to catch the announcement and glitterati of the event.

And that we walked to Moulana to perform our daily rites of Magrhib and parted ways.

Off to another date with Khai as he wanted to talk things out with me..

So we bought dinner and sat at port. Breeze was good nuff and we talked.

Honestly I didnt talk much at first cos I do not find anything to say to him as I wouldnt want to even highlight wat was on my mind on what we're going thru as a whole unit. I would want to take it as another word from me would create a further distance between him and the rest, and I wouldnt want things to happen that way.. Whats between me and him would be between us. I do not wanna bring the distance that I have with him right now and "influence" the rest to react likewise. Its not wise and I dun really like the feeling.

And so stuffs were clarified.. and talked over.. I dunno where things would head now.. but its not up to me, really. I believe that I did just as much and that I've accepted the fact as the way it is..

No one needs to take a step back to things since no one's at fault. or at least feel that way. Taking a step back to things does nt resolve any of the ackwardness here. Its not about getting stuck in the rut... It's all about moving forward..

I've said my piece to him. Totally apologise if my comparisons hurt him so.. But thats fact. He has admitted that its a fact aniwae. Thats reality for him.

But for me.. i've learnt something from this lesson. I'm exhausted. I'm really tired of thinking to jaga hati orang lain sampaikan hati sendiri remuk redam nak mampos.

Plus this. I've learnt not to hurt people from the way that I will write my blogs. or how i put things/words to the person that I intend to talk to..

Like i've shared with him.. tak semestinya apa yang kita fikir, adalah apa yang kita rasa dalam lubuk hati kita.. dan apa yang kita rasa tak semestinya apa yang terlafaz dari mulut kita.. Before we hurt someone, we'ld better think. once. twice. too many a time. cos wen we've already hurt, we cannot UNDO it.

Since you think that no one was at fault and that you have all the capacity to make your own judgements and decisions. I've told you that I took it the way it is.. The rest is up to you, really.

If having mortal blessings is not important to you.. so be it.. I dun have the capacity to make you think so too.. For everyone has their own thoughts and perceptions of life.. you've got yours and i've got mine too. Perhaps we differ but i was just sharing with you mine. thats all.

When things are over and done with, we headed home..

As I was in the train, received a call from my uncle informing that my second eldest aunt passed on @ SGH.

Got myself composed and headed home ASAP. Upon reaching home, informed my dad that his sis in law has passed on. Dengan gitu gak dia suroh siap..

I got into the shower, did my Isya' and that poofed off to the hospital.

As i got there, the cleaning up needs to done before the nurses can release the jenazah to the motruary before we can claim it there.

Okay, rite then. it call came back. I suddenly felt the loss. Just like the way I once felt, like 13 years ago...

I hadta really go one corner to calm myself down so that I dun break dwn.. Its getting all too familiar now.. The pain. the loss.

I sat dwn one corner, psyching myself up!

One hour later, we claimed the jenazah from the motruary.. Official papers were signed off and as jenazah diusung into the khairat's van.. I felt the strength to promise myself not to even shed a tear or two..

Me and dad chose to go together with the jenazah in the van when the rest got themselves into their respective cars to go back to my uncle's home.

Inside that van, we had the surah yaasin played over at the vehicle's sound system. I recited it too.. I heard dad's mouth komat kamit reciting the surah too..

When we've reached home, I took the honour to prepare the jenazah. To kemaskan jenazah while waiting for the wee hours of the morning to be over and then prepare her for the last bath and rituals of kafaan.

I followed the jenazah to the cemetery (pls note that it is not encouraged for women to go to the cemetery as per 'emotional' reasons... so if you wish to cry your ass off, pls do not follow to the cemetery. thanks)

As i heard the talqin recited.. I was slapped on my head, heart and soul.

If I could share.. ustaz mengingati kita..

Maka akan tiba Malaikat Mungkar dan Nangkir bertanya..

Maarabbuka.. Siapa Tuhan Kamu?
Siapa Nabi/Rasul Kamu?
Apa Agama Kamu?
Siapa Rasul Kamu?
Di Mana Qiblat Kamu?

Dan 7 tapak kita meninggal kan si mati, maka datanglah Malaikat ciptaan Allah untuk menanyakan soalan2 itu..

SubhanALLAH.. Maha Cipta Allah.

I asked, would i be ready for that? Would i be able to answer those questions calmly and with a composed aura or would i be stuttering, only prepared to be whipped for His Siksa kubur? MasyaALLAH. I do not wish to be in that position. No one would want to pray for that, i believe..


With that I share my experience.. And i wanna equip myself with some more ukhrawi.. so that I can answer those questions.. with gusto. with faith. with Iman. InsyaALLAH.

come people. lets join in my quest.. and together we can be better Khalifah's in this temporary journey of ours.. before we meet them in Barzakh while we wait for Judgement Day itself.

Lets work towards the promised Paradise for the Faithfuls. For thats our Destination. InsyaALLAH. Aamin.

For Allah is Ever Forgiving and Ever Knowledgeable.

Al Fatehah for the Late Allahyarhamah Hjh Kamariah Binte Hj Sujai. I'll miss you.

i'm wondering about us after a lil 'after-lunch' syarahan by my 2 closest sistas at work.. we're talking about men. marriage. choices and the relationship that i have with my ex bf.

one was telling me that her hunch says that i'll be back with Danial. cos i still have feelings for him.. (nothing new about this and there's nothing to deny about this fact) one was very much against the idea.. "adik, if he can play you out once, there'ld always be a possibility that he'll do it again.." (dats true. thats why he's EX-ed?)

so, i think if all of you would have guessed that I have not moved on.. perhaps you're partially correct.. perhaps its not that true too.. okaylarrh perhaps i have moved on... an INCH only.. hahahaha.. gotcha.

okay i really dunno lorh. i've not seen anyone in my isythikharahs. a buddy told me that i was not doing it with an open heart. my heart was still siding with something. someone. some pain inflicted in the past. yes. i so wanna believe his explanation on why my isythikharahs are not answered..

so i'ld have to clear my mind.. clear it off all the clutters.. the pain. the EX..

people see the smiley me. the happy me.. the one who always makes a day for a friend and a lurved one..

when i hold on my tears for someone's smile.. thats the biggest pat on the back that I give myself..

but wat people dont see is wat i dun want them to see.. cos its not anyone's fault that i'm not moving on.. its my fault. i shall deal with it, myself and with the help of HIM.


yeah. self inflicted pain is something that i cant blame anyone for correct? ( i hear a chorus of CORRECTS)

Danial. i dunno what to do with you now.. should i go back to you. should i just continue to be around you till the sign shows. should i just walk away from you and find someone fresher?

i think i need a slap on my head. (someone pls hand over the hammer)

loved ones.. when i smile.. pls smile with me.. dun think that you're doing injustice ouhkay. just lemme be with myself.. and that i'll get over things myself hor.

see ya!

salaam all.

my sister reminded me of today.. 18th February 2008.. jeng jeng jeng!

one year ago... we met..

18th February 2007 - our passports got chopped simultaneously.. to Jaybee only..

not fantastic nuff? read on...

its the start of a friendship. a siblinghood that all of us are very contented with for now.

you see.. friendships do take on anytime.. prolly starting from a smile.. or a conversation.. of which it'll lead on to finer things in life..

pssst.. (names are changed to avoid papparazzi or unwanted glamour.. we're just contented w/o those mind you..)

it started all with my friendship with PurpleHustle.

then me laarh. so itchy wanna go jb.. then he got one very the sweet looking chap called *ehems* Mr Affleck.. (like real)

And me.. I dragged a coupla best cousins along.. White_Silencer and Dojie..

And so we went to eat.. and watch one movie.. dangs. Wat was the movie ekkhs? Ghostrider.. ehh? betol tak? nicholas cage yang tak hemsem tuh.. agaknyer laarh.

To make the happy story short.. we became friends. errms. more than friends.. we became close to siblings..

we're family..

and comparatively to wat we've gone thru this one year. i felt it was more than ONE year. i felt that we've been around each other forever.. kan?

we celebrated birthdays after birthdays and completed the cycle.. a span of 365 days and countin'..

eventful outings. after outings... surprises after surprises..

we've seen each other at their most craziest.. and of course sanest.. errms. the most sanest.. need i introduce to you? ME LAARH! Duh???!!!

the most kwai-EST.. pun me laarh.. chets. betol. tak bluff you...

tak cayer tanyer laarh orang2 yang tersebut di atas.. dorang conperm agree punYER..


one year has passed.

we've been through lots kan people?

pheeeeeeeeeeeew. but nothing has changed. i've never stopped thanking Allah for you. all of you... if i could stretch my hands to bear-HUG all of you.. i would.. all squeezed up... errms. i Like!

we've overcame anger. tears. disappointment.. thats the dwnside of a friendship. but which friendship/siblinghood does not go through those? we're not perfect, exkooos me.. we're only normal human beings hor.. we're unlike you. you. and you.. who thinks so highly of themselves and who thinks that the whole world revolves around you only...

ask any one of us who has not teared in this friendship.. everyone had. for themselves. for each other, most of the times.. like wat Affleck always says.. "cubit peha kiri.. peha kanan rasa woii"

that makes us real. sans the fakeness. sans the plastic.




with that i hope that this friendship always lasts. foreva. and eva. and eva. ingat tau.. kalau kakak nyer majlis.. korang suma rewang 7 hari 7 malam..


Special Notes for Special People...

Purple Hustle - Always learn howta be humble.. for humility's NOT defeat. its only a constant reminder to say i'm only HIS slave.

Mr Affleck - Am glad that you've moved on in life. For the past is only a reminder that we have the present.. and only with the present that we move towards the future.. BUT.. the future wont happen w/o the past..

Dojie - Have fun learning yourself. in life.. we are often not required to be following one flow of things.. we've gotta learn the vices to learn the good. but i'm proud of you.. you've went w/o the vices and hopefully stay there miss growin up lady!

White_Silencer - You. you've gotta buck up in life. We're all counting on you this time round. Make sure you do us proud. It all starts from an effort.. and you'll see it grow.. into a dream! and with that dream, only then you can embrace the future! geddit?



and as for me.. errms. wats in store ekkhs. perhaps prince charming would be declared. and i'll stop being 'ini-mini-miney-more'.. hahahaha. no laarh. i've somehow made up my mind to hit back the books.. perhaps july/august intake lorh.

and finish my god-forsaken driving licence. yeah balls!


dah tu jer....


but then loved ones.. happy brother-nniversary and sister-nniversary hor!


lurpe you all lar!

salaam people.

today, we made another event came true...

we had "Chiyyyken Rice Party" at Beshtie's..

Mom had cooked for the genq.. and all of us were there..

Me, Dja, Khai and Afiq made our way to her home.. yey! we're complete again..

The chicken rice was marvel-licious i tell you.. Finger-lickin' good!


And as usual, we made way to the alley's at Civil Service Club.

woohooooooooooo! time to hit the pins again..



it was a nice outing although Khai didnt join us for long. He left after the hearty meal.


To Khairi..

I didnt know why you left. Not that i didnt want to ask. But i was disappointed that you hadta leave.. I thought you'ld have time for all of us the whole day.. throughout.. but you left? It caught me very very sad... I had wanted you around for long.. cos I wanted to catch up with you after a very very long time!

I wont want to speculate why you left. Perhaps you had your reason.. But i sure do hope to know why you left lorh... bley tak? bley laaaaaaaaaaaaarh.. ~pouts~

But you being around, completed us. I missed you. I missed our "bitchy" banters.

But i feel that I've lost you.. somehow.. i dunno why i feel the void..

But i just will continue to pray for you.. no matter wat..

Till we meet again, brudder.


And to Assyafii.. we'll do it one more time when you're around ouhkay.. Kak ima's mom dah kata.. boleh! YeeeyHooo!!!!

To Miss Tasha.. you didnt make it with us this time round.. next time you've gotta join hokay! ~pwomise?~


I love ya'all!

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i kinda chanced on this question on someone's friendster's account tagline..

(disclaimer : on whichever i wrote here is purely my humblest thoughts and feelings.. its a take on what i feel currently or how i wanna think on current topics that friends pose.. or even wat they go thru in life... so takmo terasa2 arrh ekkhs. it might or might not be for you.. take a chill pill people.. but people who are closest to me.. they would know who or wat i think or feel.. and they should understand.. in any of these which hurts.. is for them to stand up, brush the dirt and move on.. a better person in life.. insyaALLAH)

Dictionary..
love (noun)
1) a deep and tender feeling of affection for or attachment or devotion to a person or persons
2) a feeling of brotherhood and good will toward other people
3) a strong, usually passionate, affection of one person for another, based in part on sexual attraction
4) the person who is the object of such an affection; sweetheart; lover

exclusive (adjective)
1) excluding or tending to exclude all others; shutting out other considerations, happenings, existences
2) excluding all but what is specified
3) given or belonging to no other; not shared or divided; sole


so love should be exclusive aint it.. as the meaning of it reflects.

so now question would be.. how do we define wat we wanna love?

do we go menyondol ajer.. or do we sieve out those qualities that we wanna love or at least wat we wanna live for.. betol tak kengkawans?

love. unplanned. serendipity.. which means fortunate discoveries by accident.. which turned out to be the most pleasant of things.. and lucky nuff, with all the restu.. goes off a long way.. in the world and thereafter. in Allah's Grace.. aamin!

we've heard that sometimes love happens on the first sight.

we also read about enemies who got hitched after the whole hullabaloo they've stirred up in their past.

some find those NOT them. some find them after their mentors in life. some will not venture far nuff and would end up with someone just safe.

some makes mistakes in finding their mister and miss right.. but then again find their soulmate at another attempt in life.

we have our life's written in Our Life's Book but we can always usaha and redha. plus a tinge of doas of course..

soulmates. who are our soulmates? what defines soulmates-hood?

soulmate. an informal noun which explains, "a person, esp. of the opposite sex, with whom one has a deeply personal relationship"

deeply personal relationship.. huge word rite?

actually i think its really simple.. if i've gotta chance upon simplifying it.. i would only say.. chemistry, with a whole of primary agents and secondary catalysts that binds us and our famous half together.

errms, did i simplify it or did i only complicate matters? hwahahaha

but i seriously think love can chance upon us at any time.. any minute.. any ol how.

so its mysterious laarh rasanyer..

it could be someone we grew up with. one who has seen our selekehness to the max.. time hingus ngah meleleh dengan 'trigger-happynyer'.

adakalanya dia adalah jejaka/wanita misteri dalam mimpi kita.. relax. bukan wet mimpi.. mimpi ada makna punyer.. so its valid larrh kan, walaupun ia hanya permainan tidur.

sometimes its someone we bump into in the bus ke.. mrt ke.. yang accidentally terlaggar masa kita potek once upon a time dulu..

alaarh. byk laarh kan kalau nak list dwn the possibilities and coincidences ~penat nyah~


so was it okay to have written, we chanced upon love? or love chances upon us?

haaah. ni laarh mak nak citer.. omygosh. i sound like a bonafide nyah.. ~sorry nyah friends of mine.. aku cinta kamu sumer~


love is a risk-taking effort? a gamble?

pssst. gamble tuh haram kan? then if its haram... how come we always say love's a gamble?

do we really wanna take a 'western' or an omputeh take on a blessed union of souls?

or should we stay put and rely on our islamic values which contains a union of two beings being part of iman and that it is one of the most regarded and respected move in life.

so takmo gamble2 aarrh. nanti kalah judi.. nyanyi lagu m daud kilau laarh plak..

tsk tsk tsk.


when we're humans.. we have senses. FIVE. the sense of sight. smell. touch. taste and hearing.

so when we choose love.. amcam confirm pakai all senses kan?

sight - we choose wat we want to see. everyone of us have our ideals. benda2 yang beri kita sense of pleasantness kat mata.. namun terus jatuh ehemms.. ehhks.. sabau.. orang baru nak kata jatuh ke hati.. relax.. relax.. takmo kanchiong.. this time i very sopan one ouhkay..

smell - we want them to smell like a bottle of polo ralph lauren or even davidoff coolwater? *pls fill in your own scent ________*

touch - we wanna feel the softness of their skin when we brush against their skins. okay. cukup2.. takmo ex-rated.

taste - ermms. benda ni sensitip sket.. okay2.. orang nak cakap pasal masakkan si wanitanyer.. to a man's heart is through his tummy... i think not only bakal2 pantin nak kena ambil kursus pernikahan.. i reckon that the ladies need to go for one more kursus.. kursus memasak. cooking lessons will help enhance a marriage, i so believe.. it creates chances of communication over a home cooked dinner.. i would love to whip up the whip!! ekkhs. salah tool.. i would wanna whip up his favourite dishes after some stressful day @ work..

hearing - who doesnt want to hear complimentary comments from their loved ones? so words of encouragement helps boosts the fire to any relationship.. quarrels and squabbles are inevitable.. BUT it could be engaged in a more peaceful manner. a soft whisper in the ear saying 'i love you' when you mean it.. or even 'i am sorry love' after a heated argument would help.. btol tak?


why do i love to write about L.O.V.E?

simple.. cos i'm yet to find it.. far from even finding the REAL McCoy.

so these are pointers for my own.. and i wanna keep this as a journal for my future hubbs's reading pleasure..

so that he would know that i'm someone who would have lurve him to the core even when he is as irritating as he could be..

okay laarh people.

time to poof off the office before it turns ghost town in sg.

see ya..

to my chinese friends and ex boyfriends.. xing nian kwai ler. wan shi ru yi..

salaam all.

why are you different from the rest? he asked.

of which i dun have an answer for.

i think. i am wat i am.. wat i want to be.

i am not them. and pls dun let them be me..

cos i'm not someone you would want to take as mentor..


and if you need to know, i'm not gf material too just as yet... (precaution is better than cure)


yeah, i might be in my hijab.. but i'm no angel.

yes, i seldom miss my prayer times, but i'm no saint. ask me how many times i missed it too. :(

i'm not gonna brag about things as some people would, even when they are not perfect too.



okay. okay. back to topic.

yes, he's not that simple. a man with a past. with a canvas-sed skin and someone who is with the dammit bad boy look!

a hijab-ed girl dated him ONCE and left him citing that he's too bad for her..

okay, fair nuff. people are at their most free will to make their choices maa. cant blame her.



and lurve, if you ask me why i'm different from her.. i dunno.

perhaps i am not of jumping into any relationships for now.. and my circle of friends are waaaay too diverse to even compare to hers maybe..

having said that.. perhaps you're not wat i was looking for too? i know. truth hurts. yeeowwch!

but that one's not my call laarh kan..


but i love you.. like a friend.


i love your 'mat-NESS' and that you have brought out the MINAH in me too..

i love the ME when i'm with you.


so dun ask me that question no more, for i've got no answers for you ley.


ask me if i've eaten. have i not bitched for the day? or wateva NOTs laarh. BUT not that question hokay lurve.


everyone deserves someone. keep on searching.. you'll soon find her.



i love you hor brudder.

okay laarh.. orang salah.

orang buat awak marah.. tak pepasal.


takmo marah2 lagiks tau. burok arrh muka marah2.

muka awak busyhuk arh kalau marah..

smile? for me, please?

maceh.

Tercipta Untukku - Ungu

menatap indahnya senyuman di wajahmu
membuatku diam dan terpaku
mengerti akan hadirnya cinta terindah
saat kau peluk mesra tubuhku
banyak kata yang tak mampu ku ungkapkan
kepada dirimu

aku ingin engkau slalu
hadir dan temani aku
di setiap langkah
yang meyakiniku
kau tercipta untukku

meski waktu akan mampu
memanggil sluruh ragaku
ku ingin kau tahu
ku slalu milikmu
yang mencintaimu
spanjang hidupku


when we're in love.. we will have chanced upon some lyrical rendezvous relating to feelings we were going thru at that very moments of life.. hehs! bedek arrh kalau tak pernah..

even when you FALL out of lurve, you would also find some lyrics of a song that would add 'fire' to the whole burning sensation. hahahaha! ~blueks~


those lyrics up there tell you how i am feeling at this point of moment..


although i think we're just not meant to be..

sorry if i was another gerl who wants to play you out.. or at least its how you think for now..


no, it doesnt matter anymore. cos i know i'm the jerk. (can i just use this term, if its just NOT meant for guys, specifically?)


but i really wont know if we're meant to be too..


cos its not our call aint it?


i'm just wanting the both of us to keep our choices open for now.


its not about you. you're really one helluva chap.. that one i can vouch to those who likes you from a distance.. or at least someone who has been wanting me to let you go...


he's all yours for grabs now as i am letting him go, gurlfwen. i'm sick of fighting over a dick, cos its just not my style..


since you came before me.. ~yang dahulu.. didahulukan~


i have liked you once. you'll always be a friend.. this i promise you..


if its meant to be.. its meant to be.