dun shit where u eat.
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say wat? its friday already?

uhhhmmm.. yey.. its a fwiday already.. woooohooo!

its time to look forward to chill out with the genq.

i'll see you guys after work later.. ouhkay darlinqs.

~lurve. lurve. lurve~

bismillahirahmanirrahim

(Disclaimer : what is written here is solely my thoughts, not intended to hurt anyone. but eventually if it does... i'll only have to seek HIS pardon.)

for i am only human..

everything was pretty plain before you guys came into my life.

i was living life as it is.. laying low most times and just performing my daily duties in the routine called 'life'.

my social circle of friends was kept minimal. i didnt want any form of unnecessary contact with things that can hurt or disappoint me or the others.

i started striking off friends that should not be there in the first place. not that they're bad, but it was just in need to sort things out in life.

my focus was not somewhat socially inclined anymore.. i seek solace in HIM..




in that midst of laying low, HE sent me a package in life.

in the form of two young gentleman.. of which i kept asking why..

surely things happen for a reason aint it?

Allah does not tests HIS Slaves, if its unrequired aint it?

and so i persevered.. i started caring for them like my own..

its an addition to my immediate band of brothers..



both are held dearly in my heart. both are special in their own rights.

even though they're different as to having the opposing personalities.


four months. four short months of this friendship..

i've failed. i've failed to be a good sista to both.

i felt that i've created the drift in their original path of being mates.

i was torn in things. i failed in being impartial.

i created animosity. the feeling of neglection surfaced in one of them.



in this piece of writing. lemme clear the air..

i'm pretty straightforward and loud as a sister. my own blood brothers can vouch for that..

my closest loved ones can tell you that i'm someone pretty strict in the discipline of 'educating' people in friendships. i'll just share what i learn and encounter from my own life.

not in any form of actions nor words, i wanted to created neglect or any favouritism amongst the both of you. if you ask me, its crappy.


perhaps it has already happened. if you were to ask me why it happened. i'll explain.

you see, when you're once the closer one to me.. you failed to grasp me.. i brought myself down to living like ya age because i wanted you to be street smart. just because you clubbed a bit of a while ago, that doesnt mean you've lived life. just because you are articulate in ya thoughts and speech, that doesnt give you the ability to be a better one. for you failed to have humility in you. to you, everything was the same. you treat everything the same. people gotta be the same untowards you. whether they like it or not. you wanted people to revolve around you and that you felt less wanted if you're not the centre of attraction (for the fact that i copied this thought of yours from the conversation that you had with annissa)

but you've gotta think. i'm waaay older than you. i'm not someone who banks of being older IN DIGITS but you've gotta give me that respect. yes, i can be very open minded and think like you or even behave like you. but in facts of life, i've gotta be taken in as an elder sista. why you've gotta give me that r-e-s-p-e-c-t? cos tell me along which line that i didnt earn it?

you know for all the times that you gotta know me way earlier than him.. you didnt take that as your advantage. in fact you let it slip it off day after day.. i've also thought about this fact that if its w/o your introduction.. i wouldnt know him either. so i've gotta give you that credit.. and i havent stopped thanking HIM for you. and him too.

with this piece of education in life, i am not charging you for even one penny off things. i just want you to wake up your bloody ideas.. perhaps you didnt have anyone to consult or even be nasty nuff to tell you off in life.. but hey. not everyday's a sunday in life. perhaps i was a nasty bitch to you.. but you've gotta think that i've managed to subdue that egoistic one in you too. which means that we're of the same status quo!

or maybe you've not learnt that by having a hierarchy of people in life is 'reality', then welcome to reality... look, by having calling people 'kakak' or 'abang' when you've found out that they're pretty older than you are.. its not a sin. if you're not comfortable or perhaps just not used to being humble to call others that.. i really can understand, ya know.. i do.. really.

i've said my piece. i hope you're adult nuff to digest this, please be my guest.. for all these while you wanted me to treat you like an adult, don't you?

okay mr adult.. i might be harsh around here.. but if you cant take it. come confront me.. i'm waiting, really!


back to the other one...

i still remember the first time you called me 'kakak' when i declined straight on.

why. its cause at that point of time, i wanted to you guys to be comfortable with me as me. not as an elder one.. i wanted to build the rapport and the ease of friendships by not having any consideration of the age factor.

being not too close at that point of time.. you rarely joined us in our lepak sessions.. but the frequency doubled. it was something i've prayed for.

a happy family. knowing that you're the only child. thats where i made that promise to myself.. that i wanted you like my own bro.. and with that things got on a double. with you and with him too.

plans after plans. sessions after sessions. one trip that seals it all..

i still remember once i told the both of you over one of many late night conference sessions.. i'm ready to be called 'kakak'.. somehow i dun really get people to call me that unless they give me a go ahead to care for them like my own.. and you did. you called me 'kakak'. i teared, without you people knowing.

it felt solemn. its like suddenly i have 3 brothers.. plus countless ones i have outside laarh kan.

i'm someone who learns from the young ones too.. just cause i'm older.. that doesnt mean that i'm all correct. i dun believe in that. i believe in equality of education..

my young ones can also contribute in me learning about life..

recently you've shared that you loved me like ya own. not having any sistas in real life.. me, dja and ummi were your own.. luckily during that confession, i wasnt in front of you for i'ld have shamelessly wailed.

i've come to the level of being comfortable of calling you adik. perhaps it might sound 'sissy' to some..but its not at all to me.. and i bask at the fact that i hear you calling me 'kakak'.. its like at home when my bros are yelling 'kaaaaaaaakak' for all the reasons that they need me with.. ~winks~

if this is time that i reveal this feeling to you... i'm game!

dear adik. i know its really unbecoming of me to walk away like this, in this manner and only just right after i made a vow to walk you thru things, but i believe its something that i should do. in practical rights.. i dun want things to sour for all the wrong reasons. i created the drift. and i should be the one who disappears and put it back to default settings..

you. you must promise me that you'll stay strong and bounce back in life. i'll always pray hard that you're given the correct amount of strength to do that.. and i'll watch from afar that my bro's done me proud.. you're GODsent. really. i love you. i really do. i'm sorry that i've to do this..











and thats what i'm feeling rite now. i'm walking away from the both of you.. because i've created too much tension in between all these..

i've heard walking away is not the best option or plain unfair.. but if it takes away the brewing tension.. for i'm doing it..

take care both. and to one of you.. the vow that i've had with you. i'm honouring it still.. i'll still walk alongside you... in my prayers that is..

pls do not disregard ya brotherhood through this trials and tribulations.

to one and all.. take care. ~i say my goodbyes~

assalammualaikkum all.

today's a friday. and friday's an appropriate day to muhasabah for the things that we've done over the week.

today i'm about to let go of some pain that i've kept for some time, not having the courage to move away from it.

today marks the day that i vow to move on..

dear adeq.. i'll move on with you. ~real time~



it goes off like this..

when he shared his story, i felt him. suddenly i was in the past. ~time capsule~

the pain was real. i was sobbing teribbly. i felt as if something was wrenching my heart dry.. the feeling was not a good one, really.

for the fact that i dried up my tear ducts for this reason.. i didnt know how i found the strength to live within that pain. but i did.

i lived in self inflicted pain for about 4 years. yes. four phucken long years.

i didnt have to courage to move on. i compared him with whoeva came into my life.

i was in self denial all the times. i told myself i didnt love him anymore. but i hanged on to the fact that i could be with him still.

in fact, i was still dying to let him explain himself cos the last time when he phunked me.. i left him hi and dry! i didnt even wanna take a second look at that sorry face of his.

the moment i see him amongst my existing social circle of friends.. i see myself with him.. ALL OVER AGAIN.. i played with that sick idea still. why? cos i felt him.

i felt his touch. i smelt his scent. i picture his smile. i long for his care.

yeah, for the fact that i was about to get engaged once upon a time ago. till the moment that i found out that he phunked?

parents was dragged into the picture, although i felt that it was unnecessary.

i still have it very clear in my head that his mom teared and passed out when i swore i wont step into that 'house full of memories'. to the fact that i didnt have a mom and i felt that his momma showered me with a love of a mom that i've ceased to have when momma passed on..




four long years have passed and i met this young gentleman, whom i loved like my own.

yesterday i saw and heard him fight his tears. different scenario. same pain.

you see lil bro, sometimes for whatever that we've done. we've gotta face the trials and tribulations that comes with it. its called qada' and qadar. and its a fact that we have to live and breathe with.

i've heard that you screwed up one time. but hey, that does not mean that you're not remorseful with things? what else was the thing that you didnt do? go dwn to sujud for forgiveness? for something that you should feel even wrong or guilty about?

along which line that you were in the wrong? for the fact that you're getting to know someone that was so much worthy of you and 'hats off to that young lady' who didnt had the courage to fight for my adeq'.. you'ld have gotten a green light from this sis of yours ya know.. but hey, if its meant to be.. its meant to be darling.. its called fate..

adeq.. filial piety should be done up with the same account. for wateva that was shared to me yesterday, i felt there's a whole lotta selfishness going on there. as parents, they've could have done better than get stuck on staying with sides. so tell me which part of it was whacking them real hard? for the fact that they've lost a perfect candidate for their own?

hey sayang, your pain was a lil fraction of what i went through, in true terms.

hey sayang, i cried in front of you because i havent moved on totally.. and perhaps you have been the missing piece of the puzzle that Allah is giving up to me to move on..



dear loved one..

with that. on this very fateful Friday... i vow to move on.

i'll hold ya hand to stride alongside you. we'll both move towards betterness of self.

nuff said.. ~now the eyes are starting to brim with tears~

i love you. and with that i'll shield you from pain. and that vow is real.



to those who've been with me through this portion in life.. i thank thee.

to those who've chanced upon this blog.. pls learn from my lessons in life.

to one whom i'm dating rite now, you've now known why.

a special mention for dja and bestie.. pls pray hard for me.. and snap me out if i get carried away into negativity in life. i cant afford it anymore..

o'well.

sorry isnt the hardest word to say anymore huh?

sorry is said to wiggle your fcuken ass out of the hurt that you've actually caused?

why do or even say something without even thinking?

and after when the damage's done you repeatedly say sorry?

sorry dun mean anything to you aint it? doesnt mean a reformative word aint it?

why say sorry when you dun even hav intentions of learning from wat you've done?

its not as if whateva that you've done is a first time kinda thing!

xXx

Rule of the Game

1) think bfore you fcuken do or say something

2) do not convert your brain mass to a compound where its called SHIT!

3) do not think that when people dont comply to your needs means people think lowly or even think that you're not needed!

4) say sorry only when you think you want to do something reformative for whateva fcuken thing you've done. in layman's term.. WHEN YOU MEAN IT!

xXx

I am not sure on whether i can accept the sorry for now. cos at this point of moment i'm still hurt and fcuken disappointed. truly!

and to think that you're truly sorry is way far off.

cos i think given your personality. you thrive on repeating wateva that you've done over again. and best you'll say sorry yet again!

xXx

Do not do onto others what you dont want done onto yourself.

Sharing my two cents' worth of my thoughts.

and to you. you know who you are.

if you think you havent got wat it takes by getting educated like an adult... welcome to reality. for reality bites!

today we surprised and celebrated my TL's bday.
it was real good.
i baked. a 9" x 9" brownie in a pan, no less.

i love the expressions on their faces when they put a biteful of it into their mouths. ~orgasmic~ hyak hyak hyak
so people. we live and breathe a team. ~lurve ya'll~

next time before you talk. fcuken THINK!

to whom it may concern. you do. you pay for it.

okay. i just came back from a blowing (ekhhs. BOWLING) session with my shifu and the rest of the geNQ..

it was a fairly good game although it was full of forced errors and improper focal point.

aint no hustler yet but trainin up to be at least on par with shifu.

am a hooker. learning the proper execution of a hooking game.

after 3 games, we've had to release the lanes to other reservations.. but the itch didnt subside.

we sent the gerls home by cab and we headed for another alley.

victor's superbowl. marina south.

and i was asked by shifu to do this assessment of my game. i did a double.. ~whooohooo~

my personal assessment of my throw.

1) position myself on the third dot from the right of the lane

2) support the ball on my left palm before swinging it in front

3) glide towards throw point, swinging it back (not too much) and execute ball with hand pointing straight to the 3rd point from the right.

4) execution of ball = releasing thumb from thumbhole first and do a frontal flick of your 2 supporting fingers and then fully releasing the ball.

my throw has power, but lack precision and so i have to maintain the technique score more pinfalls.

and i'm scouting for a personalised ball, drilled just for my kinda throw, just for the comfort of my own finger width by the next payday. any referrals anyone?

i'm pretty glad to have a supportive shifu who thinks wats the best for me... from the ball weight to the technique, to the motivation and sees me thru things..

~tales of FINGERING of BALLS~ corny siak!

niwae, i love you shifu. i love you my friendly competitors. huahuahua.

next game. 16th of june. whoooooohooooooooo~

shifu. i wont let you down. serious punya cakap!

i guess both of us have gone thru the odds in love..
the pain that separations brought us to..

i can understand you..
as i'm goin thru the same..
i call it the 'non commital syndrome'

o'well i'm a fighter..
aint a dweller..

if its meant to be.. its meant to be..
its in us. the spirit of fighting should come within us.
we should fight for ourselves for once.

if falling OUTTA lurve has left you pain.
that wasnt the true love that you've been searching for.
search harder. perhaps its me. perhaps its not.

you go ahead and have ya time.
while i clear my head too.
promise me you'll call me and tell me the news.
good or bad.. i'll take it with redha..

its a learning curve..
the faster, the less hurt..

one thing for sure..
you take ya time..
and i'll take my own..

come back when you're ready for things.
and sorted out every other things in ya life.

my prayers for you will never cease.
i pray for your health and emotional strength.
to overcome these odds.

insyaALLAH. you'll be okay.
you're more than it meets the eye.

to you. you know who you are.
in any case you'll be reading this..
i'll miss you..