Almost 2016

We are almost 2016. Alot have happened, alot have changed.

A year older to be. What do i want in 2016?

Will you walk it with me even when it looks beautiful yet uncertain?

Choices

Iron woman

Ive been reflecting lately about 3 things.

1. Dominating
Am i a dominating person? I want everything my way. Maybe i have been too nice in the past, so each time i got bullied, i kindda get stronger. Someone recently told me that i am quite doninating and its kindda in a jia lat zone. Hmmmm...

2. Selfish
I want it my way. Why cant you sacrifice? Ive done so much, its your turn! Sometimes i think ive been selfish. I want it this way. You have to follow me. You should follow me.

3.Crazy
Today i can be nice. But im a monster tomorrow. Sometimes you meet crazy people in life and you complain how crazy they are, then unknowingly y
ou become one too.

Its heartache. I feel tired. I know i can be an iron woman sometimes, but all i want is to sit back and feel loved. Why is love painful sometimes?

never go back..

Ive been reading a really interesting book. Its about the 10 things you will never go back doing. Its been pretty insightful and i can relate to so many of the scenarios mentioned! Will share more once i finished the book..

Today im in a haihhh moment again. Its like you wait wait wait and then there was abit of hope and light then it goes bam crash, everything back to zero.

Oh God, at this time of frustration teach me to practice "love is not selfish"

Breathe in breathe out.

Goodnight world:)

:/

Its been a long day at work...

Pink in health

Today i finally understood why people say "hope you are in the pink of health".

I finally start having colour back to my skin/ complexion. At least not so pale anymore.

To be honest, although i was finally fit for work on monday. I was still pale. I couldn look under the table or under the equipments during audit like i used too. Whenever i did i felt like i had a 1 tonne water load on my head tilting. I even felt that way squatting to pee in the toilet.. At the end of monday, tuesday and wednesday i had a bad headache. The body was still weak and trying to adapt.
                               This was monday

But things are better today(although the cough is still crazy sometimes). I got my pink back to my face.. not the best picture after dentist but you see the difference between monday and today.  Hehe!

Health is gold

Ive been very sick for the past week and today is my 8th day of MC. Finally recovering and feeling more alive. The past 10 days have taught me that there is a time for everything. A time to be a superwoman and a time for rest.


And as I reflect on my past year, after accepting this job offer this is my 2nd time ive fallen very ill. The job requires lots of travels, training (talking) and outdoor work which puts me at a higher risk if I don't drink enough water and get enough rest.


Helping out at the kids ministry on Saturdays did not help as im busy during weekdays and yet I have to stay up till late at night on Friday just preparing lessons. On days im too tired, I fall asleep and wake up the next morning earlier just to complete the lesson. I rarely(almost never) have time for lunch on Saturdays and after everything is over I just come home at 5pm for a nap and there goes Saturday.


Probably the body couldn't take it anymore and everything just crashed. I started feeling chills on Sunday (10/5) afternoon. Took a nap and woke up with a splitting headache. Decided to go to the doctor and they said I had tonsillitis. Doctor gave me Monday off and some antibiotics. Come Tuesday(12/5), the fever was not going away. Visited the doctor again and he suggested a blood test since it was fever day 3. Fearful for needles I reluctantly said yes to his suggestion. I was calm and cool enough to not make a single sound during the drawing of blood. Results out in a few minutes. Platelet was borderline at 159 vs normal range of 150-450. Changed antibiotics and I thought I would be better soon.


Apparently the nightmare have not ended. Thursday(14/5) and im still having the fever. Went back to the clinic for yet another blood test. Platelet have further drop below normal at 126. Thankfully the dengue test turned out negative. Doctor says its just bacterial and viral infection and nothing to worry. Since it wasn't dengue we thought it would heal soon and we had made plans for Singapore over the weekend for cousin's wedding.


Horribly, the fever did not go away. Only suppressed by Panadol within the 4 hours of its effect.. By Sunday(17/5) I have taken 30 tablets of 650mg Panadol over the course of 7 days. Mum says its time to stop. I cannot be depending on Panadol anymore. Was suppose to stay on for work but body would not allow, so bought my ticket home on Sunday night.


Went to see the family physician on Monday morning(18/5) and waited for 2 hours. Finally it was my turn and he says this fever is taking too long. He can only refer me to the hospital. So fine, I was referred to Damansara Specialist hospital. Another hour of wait for another blood test to be taken. Finally some good news. Platelet have gone back to normal but lymphocyte count is still below normal. The body is still fighting the bacterial infection :( Doctor concluded that I was attacked by a Viral infection then a bacterial infection. Plus the immune system is weak so it takes longer than usual to heal.

I have coughed so much my tummy aches and my head is heavy.

Conclusion, body crashed on me. Time to have more work life balance and to say no to things I cant cope with anymore. Value health, value life :)

dry.

Everytime i find, i find an excuse.
Maybe there was no choice, maybe it was necessary?
Today i have ran out.
It just gets more painful and heavy.

Even through the rain, the rainbow appears after

You tend to remember the existence of your blog during the down periods of your life. It happened when i was 21, and i probably feel it coming in 25.

I thought i had overcome. I thought i am stronger. But the scar will forever be a scar. And now it feels like the stitches are loose and the pain flows through.

No appetite.
Just want to be alone.
No reason to smile.
Feeling suffocated.
Tears flowing like a river.

This definitely were the symptoms. And its happening again.

Teach me to love myself more.