31/10/07
For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. -2 Timonthy 1:7

conquer math! *war cry*


|jav| 2:23 PM|

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29/10/07
home

do you remember those recurring nightmares you had when you were a child? those that you never forget because it had seemed real to you too many times. years later, you recall those childish fears, only to recognise their shadows still lurking deep down inside.

i keep trying to search for the correct gate to my flat. running up and down the stairs, making the usual turn to the left to the corner where my flat is supposed to be. the gate in front of me changes each time i reach the same corner. with each yell of 'mummy', a different woman would open the door, shaking her head and telling me that my family has moved away, that i no longer live here. flurry of panic and tears in my eyes, i go down the stairs and run up again, hoping that i had taken a wrong turn, but only to find a different but unfamiliar gate.

imagine the sense of deja vu one evening when i really came home to find a different gate. it was sometime last week and the day had finally ended for me around 9ish when i reached the gate of my flat. in my drowsiness, i saw the different gate. alarm bells were going off when i yelled for mum. HALLELUJAH- mummy opened the [glaringly new and offensive] gate with a smile at my panicking face.

same door, same woman who has been opening the door for me since the beginning of time. status quo.

sunday came and i was with clara in church, when i thought i'd never have to find a way home again. i'd never have to go searching in futility, only to be met with disappointments and unfulfilled expectations, because God has taken me in as His own.
i'll never be on my way home, cos i've found my resting place. in Him.


|jav| 7:35 PM|

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27/10/07
Places we love exist only through us,
Space destroyed is only illusion in the constancy of time,
Places we love we can never leave,
Places we love together, together, together,

van and i found ourselves reminiscing over canoeing training days over our bowls of beefball noodles today at food junction. i told her 4 months ago, we'd have swallowed our food whole to fill the vast black hole in the middle of our bodies, instead of nibbling [well, at least i was] at it now.

how do you simply let go of something that good? each of us must have visited those secret places in our heads or hearts, again and again, where we've hidden those memories. the profundity of emotions and sensuous experience that mellowed with time. we choke on them, we evoke their presence from time to time to savour them, we hang onto them, we clutch tightly at them because it was something good. i thank God for them, cos good things dont always happen to people, and i'd been one of the lucky ones.

Do not look back: there is nothing outside you,
Space is only time visible in a different way,
Places we love we can never leave.
-Ivan V. Lalic


|jav| 3:38 PM|

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10/09/07
walking fast

my grandmother used to be a fast walker. likewise, i think i might have inherited her genes, [genes for speed walking?] as my wonderful team mates can testify. when i was a child, both mum and dad worked so my grandmother took care of my sister and me. i used to have to semi-jog beside her whenever she took me to my daycare center, because my tiny short legs simply cannot catch up with her long brisk purposeful strides.

then one day when i was in kindergarden, dad said,
"ling, ah jia3 ["grandmother" in hakka] dai ne qu xue xiao shi, bu yao luan pao, ta lao le zui bu shang."

i didnt think much of it then, and obeyed. but there was this sense that something was changing. where did all the years between i-needing-to-catch-up-with-her and she-needing-to-catch-up-with-me-in-order-to-make-sure-i-didnt-fall-and-hurt-myself go?
when we were children, the image we had of our loved ones was that they never change and that they will always be there for us, to provide that safe environment in which we find security.






|jav| 11:39 PM|

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09/09/07
minute after morning coffee

dynamic equilibrium: occurs in a reversible reaction when both forward rate and backward rate are equal but not zero.
every day millions of cells in our bodies self-destruct and die, but we're alive and healthy because there are even more that are duplicating and growing.
forward rate > backward rate: we live on.
so we move on, run on, sprint on, constantly conscious of the dark backward force that is opposing our journey. fear perhaps. apathy, lack of courage, disillusionment and procrastination.

the truth is, at the end of the day, we're fighting against the other person we could have become.


|jav| 10:12 AM|

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