celebrating some wins all in one day

got braze, got a good workout, online poker did well, stock market is great, kinda bulked up. just rare. and just a win day i needed

 intriguing that i never thought that one day i will feel like i dont belong anywhere.

more intriguing, I never thought that there will be a day I care about belonging anywhere

 I dont know how long more am i going to be this pathetic. How long before I will stop being triggered by every and anything that brings back memories. I am pretty pathetic and I recognize it. Im just tired of it.

How long more before I decide I'm worth something

 thought to pen some of my thoughts down today, move my brains and my fingers abit now that i dont have a job at the moment.

Something I thought about going through life in the past few weeks. I guess it's something I already know, but didn't really think about, is that it matters not what others think of you.. in many ways. Throwing out certain examples over the past week that made me revisit this thought

Example 1: Playing poker, i was up 1.3k at the first 2/3 of the night and i bled 1.6k away after that, ending on a loss. I realize, its not even big crazy cooler hands that i lost. I lost cause i was afraid to be called a nit, afraid that people think that im just "protecting profits" and not playing when im up, especially among friends. I lost cause I tried to pull some bluffs to make a point even though i definitely could have avoided so much of it. I will say some of the hands were definitely avoidable.. but I definitely could have escaped with at least 7-800 winnings that day

Example 2: I realized something abit more existential. People have been telling me im so persistent and hardworking and persevering due to my time in sports, that I have pedigree from that. But I realize, those actually mean very little. Yes, those days were hard but i had a ton of fun doing it, I had the chance to represent the country and the incentive to do it. On one hand, it's great that people have that impression of me, I should definitely make use of it. But on the other, I should definitely not let it really define me and think that just cause they think that of me, it's real. Because.. its not. I would know better than anyone how i used to skip gyms, how I might have slacked off here and there during training. I know Im not THAT good, and i need to recognize that internally even if I dont show it. Whereas, on the other hand, I think people with no sporting background and randomly decides to keep fit with a crazy schedule, those are the real cray ones in terms of work ethics. 

Well my whole point being, I knew it before, but it REALLY does not matter what anyone think of you. Everyone is too busy fighting their own fights to give a fuck about yours.

 was forced to think about my most hated topic today: death. between uncle kang passing, and my saying he might not be alive when eddie goes to the army. its.. alot to think about. 

 starting to question im just a round peg trying to get into this square hole of a job. or rather, this round peg, trying to get into this square hole of a life.