i have MOVED to

http://jacqinabox.livejournal.com

because blogger's been such a bitch :(

oh yes i'm back from FTB camp. and i'm surprised to say, i actually had a lot of fun ! in a rough it out kinda way i suppose. i managed to survive the horrible flooded bathrooms and sleeping in a really hot and overcrowded tent. i'm pretty proud of myself ! oh and tunnelling and rafting were damn fun. still another 2 and a half weeks till school starts

to those who came down, thank you so much for all the love and support (:

in retrospect, with a little help from the puppets of avenue q..

there's a fine, fine line
between a lover, and a friend.
there's a fine, fine line
between reality, and pretend;
and you never know 'til you reach the top
if it was worth the uphill climb.
there's a fine, fine line
between love,and a waste of time

there's a fine, fine line
between a fairy tale, and a lie.
and there's a fine, fine line
between "you're wonderful" and "goodbye".
i guess if someone doesn't love you back
it isn't such a crime.
but there's a fine, fine line
between love,and a waste of your time.

and i don't have the time to waste on you anymore.
i don't think that you even know what you're looking for.
for my own sanity i've got to close the door
and walk away..

there's a fine, fine line
between together,and not.
and there's a fine, fine line
between what you wanted,and what you got.
you gotta go after the things you want
while you're still in your prime.
there's a fine, fine line
between love,and a waste of time.

FTB camp is tmr. so i guess i'll be disappearing for 3 days. at least i'll have mary with me. really hope it's gonna be fun ! and that my tent doesn't flood when i'm sleeping.

You feel worn out, physically and mentally. Recently the going has been tough and it looks as if there is still a considerable way for you to go before you can see the light at the end of the tunnel. If only you could put a protecting wall around yourself and cut yourself off from the rest of the world - be it even for only a little while - how wonderful it would be, but you can't - so you need to bear with it. Just when everything will seem at its lowest ebb you will find that there is a turnabout and your problems will seem to find a way of resolving themselves.

You don't really give in. You follow your beliefs and ideals to the bitter end. You are the personification of stubbornness and whatever may transpire, right or wrong, you refuse to compromise or make concessions.

Everyone, sooner or later gets that feeling that one has been cut off from reality, cut off from everything that's going on around them. It usually happens when there is a complete lack of understanding and co-operation - be it from friends, family or loved ones. So what can one do about it? Instead of pondering as to what the future may hold, do something different. Make a cup of coffee. Have a shower. Read a book. Watch your favourite soap opera. Because as soon as you become involved in something different, the original disassociated feelings will dissipate.

For some time now your hopes and expectations have been denied and because of this you are becoming withdrawn and introverted. Continual disappointment has manifested itself in you becoming both suspicious and restrained you have become withdrawn from others and have receded more and more into yourself. You seem to have lost your innate enthusiasm and imaginative nature, for fear that you may be carried away by it only to find that you are wasting your time. You are loath to trust people, as in the past your trust has been misplaced. You seem to be keeping yourself cautiously aloof from others. At this moment in time your attitude is to trust nobody - until they can prove themselves to you.

Disappointment and the fear that there is no point in formulating fresh goals have led to anxiety and you are distressed by the lack of any close and understanding relationships. You feel you are not appreciated by those who matter to you. You are attempting to escape into a world on which you can relax and feel at ease.


every time i take the colorgenics test, it never fails to freak me out.

farewell mama... we'll miss you..

it upsets me to see her now. lying there all dolled up and artificial through that little glass window. that isn't the grandma i knew. and i wish they hadn't bothered with all that make up. makes me wonder how i would look when it's my turn. and it bothers me that i wasn't there when it happened. i didn't even have a clue.

sometimes it's really hard to fight the darkness. though i really do try. it just creeps up on you when you least expect it. that deep, dark, sinking feeling. and when you want to turn to someone, you find there's actually no one there. i think i'm really my worst enemy in many ways.

back from camp. i really miss my dance friends.

she said i think i'm going to boston.
i think i'll start a new life.
i think i'll start it over, where no one knows my name.
i'll get out of california,
i'm tired of the weather.
i think i'll get a lover, i'll fly them out to spain.
i think i'll go to boston.
i think that i'm just tired,
i think i need a new town, to leave this all behind.
i think i need a sunrise,
i'm tired of the sunset.
here it's nice in the summer, some snow would be nice.
in boston..no one knows my name.
no one knows my name.


i'm really tired...tired of always being the bad guy. tired of being the perpetually evil witch. i'm tired of taking responsibility for things i shouldn't be responsible for. i'm tired of having to account for my actions when i should no longer have to account for them. and i'm tired of feeling guilty when the fault isn't mine.

i guess anyone looking in from the outside would inevitably see me as evil. but no one ever tries putting themselves in my shoes. what would they do if they were me ? i'm free and unbridled, but then again i'm not. many people don't even begin to see the pressure. having a boy on the side who i can't depend on cos i don't wanna give him the wrong idea, who i can't turn to cos i don't wanna give him the wrong idea, but whose problems i have to listen to and advise on day in day out whenever he comes to me, and whose feelings i have to consider with every single step i take. it really frustrates me, cos i shouldn't have to do any of these things when i'm not his girlfriend. so i'm trapped in this relationship limbo, stuck with all the responsibilities of a relationship without any of its privileges. i've tried so hard to escape it, but no matter how much i try i just can't get away. nobody understands how tiring it is. maybe it was that which finally drove me to the act the way i did. when my pent-up frustration reached a point and peaked, and triggered me to rashly decide - screw it, i'm gonna do something for my own happiness regardless of what anyone thinks. yes i was selfish, but i feel it wasn't without cause or reason. i carried this burden around for months, and i could no longer bear it. i'm not trying to justify what i did, i'm just wondering why i always have to be the bad guy. things are never that simple. and nobody ever bothers to notice what goes on behind the scenes. i know i was wrong not to consider your feelings. but do you consider my feelings either, when you cling onto me so tight ? how trapped and burdened and frustrated and torn i feel. this isn't what being single should feel like. i should be free as a bird to do what i like and see who i like, not heavy and tied down by those who should no longer have the right to tie me down. i was desperate, and felt like i was being cornered with no escape. something drastic was bound to happen. i'm sorry, i really didn't mean to hurt you like this. but it's also about time you learnt to let go.

they say honesty is always the best policy. but i think whoever said that is clearly out of his mind. i finally understand there's nothing wrong with a little white lie. in fact, sometimes lying is necessary. i guess some things are just better left unsaid. now thanks to my disgusting self-righteous self who blurted everything out, things that shouldn't be my fault have now become all my fault. i'm left alone, feeling unbearably guilty about the whole thing, and angry that i'm even feeling guilty in the first place cos by right i shouldn't have to.and at the end of it all, the one who's the most responsible is the only one who comes out of all this unhurt and unscathed. talk about fair. i take on his share of the blame and guilt while he gets away scott free. and to make things worse, cos i'm the one who spoilt everything with my huge mouth, i feel i have the responsibility to protect and defend him, though i know very well that he doesn't deserve it. i wonder why i bother sometimes. he probably wouldn't even appreciate it.

the truth, is you could slit my throat,
and with my one last gasping breath
i'd apologise for bleeding on your shirt.

so i stand here before you, unbearably stressed, frustrated and worn out. begging you to forgive, forget what happened and start over. and begging you to forget me.

on another note, my grandma doesn't have much time left..it's depressing to hear about the morphine and saying goodbye. and my dad just seems to have health problems after health problems. it's pretty upsetting to find out about the kidney diesase and tomorrow's biopsy. life just doesn't seem very fair.. everything seems crushing right now.

well done, jacqueline. really well done this time. you've single-handedly ruined everything. i don't understand why i just can't keep my big mouth shut. fuck it. i really should have known better from the start. and some people just can't seem to see what loyal friends they have. one person after another, having such twisted ideas about friendship. there's always a bigger picture.

and yes, maybe i'm really not the good kind. but believe me, it isn't as if i feel great about it either.

you're the one who set it up,
now you're the one to make it stop.
i'm the one who's feeling lost right now.
now you want me to forget every little thing you said
but there is something left in my head

i won't forget the way you're kissing,
the feeling so strong, were lasting for so long.
but i'm not the man your heart is missing.
that's why you go away, i know.

`

there was something in your voice,
that was telling me don't be too sure.
arousing my suspicions i have never felt before.
i thought we had it made,
i thought you'd never go away.
but now you're suddenly like a stranger,
and you're leaving our love behind.
of all the things i was ever planning for,
this was the last thing on my mind.

when i looked into your eyes,
there was something you weren't telling me.
but in my confusion i just couldn't see.
if there was any doubt
i thought that we would work it out.
but now you're suddenly like a stranger,
and you're leaving our love behind.
of all the things i was ever planning for,
this was the last thing on my mind.

`

so here we are alone again
didn't think it'd come to this.
and to know it all began with just a little kiss.
i've come too close to happiness
to have it swept away.

`

retribution, retribution, retribution. maybe whatever goes around really does come around. for all the times i was being a bitch i'm only getting my just deserves. but i swear upon my life that eventually all that i've said is going to sink in. and when that time comes, you're going to regret more than ever. but by then it'll be too late..

when things get tough, you run. which is funny cos you're the one who complicated things in the first place. and now you're gone and left me here to pick up the pieces. one day you're going to have to stop running..

so what is there left for me to do ? nothing else to do but close my mind. i need to break away.. from them both. it's the only way i'm going to keep my sanity. this is my choice..


i hope you're happy, now that you've chosen this.
i hope it brings you bliss
i really hope you get it, and don't live to regret it.
i hope you're happy in the end.
i hope you're happy, my friend...

`

and it's alright, yeah, i'll be fine
don't worry about this heart of mine.
just, take your love and hit the road.
there's nothing you can do or say.
you're gonna break my heart anyway.
so just leave the pieces when you go.