Closure

So after years of a love-hate romance between me and blogger, I think it is time to take a step back, and move onto far greener pastures. This blog has been dead for a long time anyway, and only ghosts from the past remain here.

And with that, the FatCat leaves the building.

Advanced Global Personality Test Results Extraversion |||||||||||||| 56% Stability |||||||||||| 43% Orderliness |||||||||||| 43% Accommodation |||||||||||||||| 70% Intellectual |||||||||||||||||| 80% Interdependence |||||||||||||||||| 80% Mystical |||||||||||||||| 70% Materialism |||||||||||| 50% Narcissism |||||||||||||||| 70% Adventurousness |||||||||||||||||| 80% Work ethic |||||||||||||||| 70% Conflictseeking |||||||||||| 50% Need to dominate |||||| 30% Romantic |||||||||||| 50% Avoidant |||||||||||||||| 70% Anti-authority |||||||||||| 50% Wealth |||||||||||| 50% Dependency |||||| 30% Change averse |||||| 30% Cautiousness |||||||||||||||| 70% Individuality |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Sexuality |||||| 30% Peter pancomplex |||||||||||||| 60% Histrionic |||||||||||| 50% Vanity |||||||||||||| 60% Artistic |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Hedonism |||||||||| 40% Physicalfitness |||||||||||| 50% Religious |||||||||||||| 60% Paranoia |||||||||||| 50% Hypersensitivity |||||||||||| 43% Indie |||||| 30%

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Beauty in chaos.

I realised that if I lived in complete silence, then nothing would get me. Honestly. It was only when I heard voices, that everything just felt so raw again. And I really do not understand why.

Recently, there has been a pre-occupation with love. It is not so much wanting to be in love, but rather, the idea of being in love with love itself. With society promoting marriages and basically, the 'groupie' syndrome, it is pretty tough to be labelled as Single. I mean, usually, the first reaction when you find out someone is single is think,

1. How come people are/are not chasing her/him?

2. So poor thing

3. Don't worry, there's someone out there for you

But, why should there be? It is perfectly acceptable to be single. I understand the feeling of wanting company on lonely nights or at times when you want to share your extreme sadness and joy with someone, wanting to lean on someone's shoulder, wanting to walk down the middle of the road in the wee hours of the morning hand-in-hand with someone and appreciate the stillness and fragility of the city in slumber. However, I just do not understand this societal peer pressure to get attached. Not that it is a bad thing - but there just seems to be a let's-pair-everyone-up social norm. It is quite stifling.

But my post today is not going to be about this, actually. I am just digressing. The idea of this whole post actually popped up the other day when I was caught in what I call the No Man's Weather. It pretty much is the concept of No Man's Land, just, in the air. So there I was - gawking at the clouds in amazement much like a Primary school kid oogling at a new Tamiya car model (sorry if you are from a different generation, but Tamiya cars were part of mine). The world on my left was looking all ominous with its dark, pregnant clouds prowling above the backdrop of the HDB blocks, looming over the trees and terrifying the rushing pedestrians on the street whose numbers were quickly decreasing. It looked like a disturbing primary school kid's drawing whereby the sky was just one pure shade of black, making the surrounding buildings and trees stark in contrast. It was almost like the whole world were in a vacuum, or on the verge of being swallowed by a black hole.

And on my right, the picture perfect Singapore taken right out of a postcard. Gay sunlight shone down on a riot of colours contributed by the vivid greens and dirty browns of nature and the surrounding HDBs, the vibrancy of life exuberated by the bustling activity of people. And of course, big fluffy chunks of cloud drifted lazily above all of it, almost in approval of everything going on below.

Right there and then, I wanted to take a photo so badly that could capture all this in. Seriously, I wish they could implant some lens device into my eyes to take photos of moments like these because it was simply breathetaking. And so I stayed there, staring at the sky for at least 5 minutes, watching the dark world on my left slowly slink towards the happy world on my right and devour everything.

A night never to forget, the spotlight is on our knights in shining armor!

It never fails to impress, and amaze me, that the guys I know are so gentlemanly. Today at Phuture, I got a first-hand experience in witnessing this trait and I must say, I really respect you guys for that. It really seems as if its true - if you're a guy in a club, you are either the predator or the sentinel. And the only way you can have any fun is to be the predator. But the guys I know still come along despite being shoved, kicked, stepped on, pushed, bashed and basically very physically abused in a bid to protect us girls. It is never fun being a sentinel. So to that, kudos to you!

I managed to escape the night relatively unscathed, with the exception of the only physical contact being that of being tapped on the shoulder incessantly by California Guy to dance (who quickly got shoved off by Nico), and well, being molested by Sarah. But I do not mind the latter so much. HAHA.

So once again, thank you for allowing me to have a wonderful time with the girls, and of course, with you guys - Julian, Red, Roy, Rico, Kenneth, Andre and Koon Hui!

Now brewing: Guatamala, Kenya, Sumatra, Tanzania and Happiness, Pour Over Cone style!

I forgot to mention yesterday, but belly dancing class was awesome. If possible, I might take it up after I come back from Perth. I want my abs, honey!

Stepping back into SB-LT again after the flood and after months really feels like walking into a different world. Physically, it is so different. And I mean every single part of it. From the floor, and up to even the lights and the aircon. A mix of emotions rush at me.

I feel a little sad that the warm, cosy charm that the old LT had is gone, but I am also excited and impressed by the new look. I guess its because it is still a little too early to judge, because this is after all, such a drastic change. Well, who knows? Maybe in the future this new LT may exude the cosiness that the old LT had - it just takes time to become comfortable with everything again. And I guess it helps that the heartware is the same. Seeing familiar faces, and some not so familiar, really brought back a feeling that I have not had in a while. I think together, we can and will make this new LT a roaring success. Because, hey, I just realised after stepping in today, how much I love my store and the people there.

On other things, I think that nightmare did awake the sleeping dragon inside of me. It cleared my mind totally, and it made me come to a single conclusion without a single regret. I believe that what I said today, I said it in all honesty, with my heart and soul pegged to it. And you know, after finally saying everything out and being honest with myself for once in a very long while, it really felt like a heavy burden had been lifted off my shoulders.

I think I will have a better dream tonight.

In the darkest of nights

Weird things do happen, and yes I do believe that somehow, nightmares are the reflection of our deepest darkest fears and worries that we bury so deep inside, that sometimes only the subconscious is aware of it. I had a nightmare last night - my only precious 1 hour of sleep that I managed to get after tossing and turning in my bed like salt jumping up and down on a frying pan. I know what my thoughts were full of, and the conflicting emotions were a major pain in the ass. Either way, I know ultimately as much as I worry, as much as I hate everything that is starting, in the process of, or done happening, nothing changes.

Scratched too hard, bite too deep

I was sitting in front of the laptop scratching my neck unconsciously when I suddenly felt the sickening wetness on my fingers. I had scratched so hard that my neck was just blooming with red. And I was like, "hoh, shit."

This happens to me a lot. I unconsciously behave in a certain way or do certain things that I am not consciously aware that I am making an effort at doing until I actually hit a vein. It really is terrible. I could begin to list the many things that qualify under this category like overworking myself, pushing myself in every aspect of life or being too close to someone and not knowing what is the limit, but the list is simply too long, and the night is not so young anymore. And what happens at the end of the day is I end up leaving a scar on myself.

I really wonder why I behave this way. They say that experiences and beliefs shape a person, but its hard to pinpoint what belief and what experience is responsible for this. In the first place, I seem to derive some sick joy of pushing myself this hard. It is like, hah, take that world! In your face!

And this seems to only have surfaced recently. Earlier on, my stand would have been to have little to do with the world as possible, but now the little irrational devil inside of me just wants to get into everyone's face. It is both a good and a bad thing. So, where do you draw the line? And speaking of line, my neck is still dripping. Ugh. It's times like these that you need a vampire for a boyfriend.


Oh, and I went quote-hunting! Here's a few I particularly liked!

The turning point in the process of growing up is when you discover the core of strength within you that survives all hurt. -- Max Lerner, The Unfinished Country, 1950

In the depth of winter, I finally learned that there was within me an invincible summer.-- Albert Camus

Talk about a blast from the past - and a pretty big one, at that. I had thought that everything in my life was finally stabilising, but I just had to go check my 2-years worth of unchecked e-mails in my hotmail account. Nothing could have prepared me for what I saw, and the feelings that came after that. It was really as if the lock over my emotions had been popped open after my rather successful efforts at containing it. I guess this would be what you call life biting you in the butt.

And oh, what terrible reprecussions it held.

Sometimes I just feel like the plague of the earth.