~ Ephemeral Visage ~

Remember the year past... with you. Hello 2005... Let's introduce ourselves, befriend each other like a bunch of freshies, and be kind to each other in the passing days. Last year during this last vestiges of the waning year, we were at a noisy Changi beach, trying our best to cook an emperor chicken, and watching nice transversites. Haha. I forgot who came up with the idea. Come to think of it... I haven't seen him for a year. That's 12 months, 365 days, a darn bloody long time. Which, I think, explains what I'm feeling now. Missing him. I will look back at 2004 from time to time. Will you? It was a year that held as much grief as it did joy for me. So nothing to hold back, let it wane. Slip through our fingers... like sand and grain.

I went away for a while... But nothing seemed changed except My love for Christmas. It seemed so much further away And less meaningful to be worth anticipation. Maybe the vacation changed something in me, Maybe I'm just contented with all I have to attempt to make life better, Or... maybe.. just maybe... I've become less optimistic, that's why X'mas seems less beautiful now. Think I'll take some time to pick up life(here) where I left off... It's debatable whether things will be the same as before, But at least I was happy during my time there, and I'm fine. But tired. Damn tired.

Stayer or Player... This topic came up today. About who's a player... who's the stayer. "Is there a definite player and stayer? Does not being a stayer means you're definitely a player? No gray area? Like say... look at dee, you're definitely not a stayer. Or are you?" Why drag me into the conversation... I was just minding my minced pork noodles. And yes, I was trying to avoid any discussion about myself regarding a relationship at this junction of my life. Because I don't understand what I want anymore after all's that happened. I'm sick of floating around... wanna find someone comfy to lounge and chill with. Does that make me a stayer? Don't think so. Though I'm ok with the idea of marrying this someone if we can make it through to a marriageable age, I don't wish the whole marry idea to be planted right from the beginning of our relationship. It becomes... unnatural. I don't need a spouse to report to just yet. A...

Drugged Oblivion Thinking of someone is like an addiction, that contradicts reason and defies any self-control. It makes you simply picture their faces, their smiles, or any quirky expressions that belongs only to them. But yet thinking of, is different from missing someone. When you miss someone, you wish he's there right this moment, you can talk, laugh, do things you both enjoy together. But thinking... is purely thinking. No simulations, no wish-you-were-heres, just pure reminiscence of his attributes. And you don't feel miserable that he's not here, unlike what missing brings. But then again, it's always difficult to draw a line between missing and thinking... especially when your feelings start to grow with time. Hmmm... I'll deal with that when the time comes. For now... I like the feeling of just thinking. With a silly smile on my face.

Silent December December crept up beside me...silently, unknowingly. While I was hiding in my dreams, it stretched itself beside on my bed, made itself comfortable, and woke me gently with his icy cold fingers to admire the snow-capped masterpiece it had converted the world into. Telling me.... That it's now safe to open my eyes... cuz everything else is as cold as my heart. I'm that much closer to Christmas.

When everything is nothing upon that cold slab of marble floor. Fatigue. It takes over my mind like a silent parasite. Closed my eyes I see no images... Not even how you looked When you turned your back to me. Dragged my feet as I headed out of the exam hall...Didn't feel like talking. Yet I managed a smile at yap who happened to cut across my intended path. Spotted you and our friends from the corner of my eye. You must be still discussing the paper. I didn't want to hear about the paper. I didn't even want to complete the paper. I totally despised everything around me then. I withdrew into a world of my own, blocking out the chatty discussion and answer comparisons all around me. They wouldn't be what I got anyway. Nesta appeared beside me. My world felt slightly warmer for a while. Then he patted my head and was gone. The warmth lingered for a while as I trotted towards the basketball courts, much like the warmth left from the fireplace even though the...

Follow me... Went for a walk round the mall, nothing much's changed. The giant xmas tree, the useless sales, the student crowds always walking too slowly. You feel like screaming from behind them to get their ass out of the way. No, I'm not in a nasty mood today.. just the usual mean steak coming back into balance. I'm relieved. Because without this side of mine, I didn't feel normal. I didn't feel me. Did alot of weird things because of this imbalance, and was utterly vulnerable. I wanted to buy Jeff's newest album. You know one of those china-imported ones selling real cheap. But then... I decided it wasn't worth buying a cd for those 4 songs I like even if its cheap. I need to save up. I need a job. There are so many things I need. Not want, need. Blame it on my crazy mood some weeks ago that set me on an inconsiderate spending spree. Not to mention the spending's not on shopping. Walking through Sembawang I was tempted to buy Westlife...

A distinctive reminder That cheeky smile... grimy face, checkered ball. Reminded me so painfully of you and your obsession with soccer. I think about you, and then I tell myself it's useless. Silly yeah, but you wouldn't know. I'm running out of words... but my mind's albumed with images. Some of our times together, others hallucinations of what we promised to do but could never quite get there. The hallucinations are getting more real each day. I wonder when I will simply dwell in them and never back up to reality. They are so very beautiful. Yet pride refuses to let me head towards this insanity. But I would think... letting go of sanity would be the most humane thing I can do for myself in this life. That unadulterated wisp of freedom, like the puff of the cigarette... you can feel the fume swirling into your system as you close your eyes. And slowly exhale.............you're a changed man. You know the fume will kill... you know a part of you wi...

Just leave... Breathe... And let it go. Stop all the lies... They're hurting you more than you know it Not him. Exhale... Do what you want. Don't dwell on the sadness... Embrace the cynism you manipulate so well Be mean. Forget about responsibilities Your life's too short to be burdened Be the person you were Loving your friends and yourself Forget the One-Love theory It is but a myth. Breathe... Let it go. Build your pyramid Lay down when the time is right. Nevermind if you didn't make it big You have no one to answer to As long as you're happy Those who ain't can go to hell. "What good is a heart when you don't feel it..?" Don't feel. Even if you do, don't ever show it. Cage your heart Lock it up. You have no use for it.

I've always had wings but I'm just not ready to fly. And now that I soar, Why is it I cry? You said you'll never hurt me the way he did "Look what a good liar he is, mommy." Why did you leave me in tears? Bless me with the strength to hold onto sanity These tears that run dry once again Let them flow no more... They're hurting my eyes. My unworthy prayers are nothing Compared to your pious devotees' But then again I never deserve this either So heed my first and only prayer For desperation has driven me to such means. "You're going to lose everything else if you continue this way," Sanity warns when he stays long enough. I've abandoned much in exchange for love Please at least let me have my pride back. Pride pride... Don't say "I've been crying a day" But "My eyes have a mind of their own." Don't mention "I just don't feel like eating" But "My appetite abandoned me today." It ma...

Coming soon is this movie The Forgotten, which asked the question of what would you do if one day all you held dear to you was erased? Everyone talks to you with sympathy and constrained patience like you have some psychotic disorder, telling you those things never happened. Would you fight? Or would you be convinced slowly because you don't wish to be abnormal in their eyes? Sometimes I wake up in the mornings feeling everything was a dream I conjured in one of those lonely hours. Only this time it seemed more real because I'm one step nearer to insanity. I'm scared that you are but only someone I've seen on the streets once or twice and you probably don't even know my name at all. Yet somehow my poisoned brain placed you as someone who loved and shared all those times with me. That's why each morning I open my eyes I would check my phone to make sure you're real.

Your night may be my day... And as the seasons change... Hey... I've got the pictures you sent. They were breathtaking... I cried looking at them. You always know what deals me the greatest blows. I can never hate you for forcing me to face stuff u know will crumble my strong fronts. Your gentle deep baritone, your soft knowing eyes, they always leave me trembling with emotions. "I know why you wanted me to bring back the sand...you want to experience a little part of what your friends have gone through, Live a little part with them, of them." I still remember what you said that I wanted unsaid. And you brought back the sand then. And this time round, these photos... they're as good as the sand I requested. Gave me a glimpse of how your life is over there, but unfortunately they made me miss you much more too. I miss you. Come home soon.

It's another chilling night out there...Lisa Ono's christmas album is on, and so are my mellow lights. With the soothing currents coursing over me... it's wonderful, just like a full body scrub. The only thing lacking would be an essential oil burner somewhere. Haa.. purely romantic. And hey, I'm selfish... I'm keeping this all to myself. Bleah. Okay okay.. reservations available... pls book early before long weekends and school holidays. Been hanging round people who doesn't appreciate such quiet sensual pleasures. I don't think they will last fifteen mins given this atmosphere... there will be a snoring orchestra. Well...you can't really blame them. They don't get to rest enough. Almost everyday was stressful reminders of deadlines and tests. It's time I pamper myself again... this quiet night.. need to restore my balance. =) It's wonderful not to care so much, worry about stuff, and just enjoy each other's company.

I'm looking for someone to talk to tonight... but my friends aren't online. And I don't have enough talk time to call, haha and of course not enough sms to send. By right these days I should have more sms to spare. Because I seldom hear the ringtone (both sms and calling) from my exclusive callergroup anymore. It's sad how things have to change... well its inevitable to change, but it didn't have to be that drastic, does it? *looks at handphone* Ring I say.. ring~~~~~~~~.... =( I'm looking at the end of the tunnel... the bright light painful to look at from my position in the tunnel. I refuse to move towards it, no matter how strong the air shaft is pushing me towards it. We have to reach the end eventually, i know.. but let it not be now. Let me stay here a little longer... I'm closing my senses to your impatience to reach the end. I don't care what you say... how you tug me along... I don't wanna care how much it hurts that you want to get...

Can't help but stared at my fingers and the floor most of the time. So heavy was the impress on my heart that it seemed almost impossible to breathe. At that moment... I knew what I'd landed myself into. Tears welled up behind my eyes as I grew weary of my failed attempts to brighten him up. I wished he would tell me the problem. But I don't wanna probe. It's bad enough to fail as a clown. I don't wanna be an irritating busybody too. So there I was, feeling so helpless because I can't lend a listening ear nor unfog the atmosphere. So what exactly was I doing out there? Why were we out if each of our presence doesn't help each other at all? Just because it was a promise. Truth be told, I'd rather we did a raincheck. Then at least you wouldn't append upsetting me on top of what's already on your mind. Sat in the cinema... the tears I couldn't shed came undone. Of cuz you didn't know... cuz you didn't know how much it hurts to wa...

It's too cold to even breathe. Haven't felt this sensation since the night we spent at upper seletar reservior. Despite the bone-harrowing chill, we refused to leave that dark mysterious pool separating us from the alien civilization. "Heads together, hearts together..." I think I wrote that back then. I've missed you this cold cold night... Can't muster the courage to play the cd you gave. Why did you have to go so far away? But come to think of it... even when wer were still on the same little island, you were always too busy for everyone. At least now, with you half a globe away, we've had time for little conversations. In my mind I'm walking over and over again the path to our reservior. I wanna bring him there. And show him what you've showed me. Miss you. You're a special friend. And always will be.

There's always a side of us that we seldom exhibit to anyone, or even to ourselves, and because of this infrequency, we're unaccustomed to it when it appears. Some games brings out this mean streak in me. And the feeling will linger for some time still... for a while more. Like spirits, maybe this mean streak gives me the surge of courage to put what I feel into words this precious moment: I don't like what you're doing... You're exploiting us because of what we feel for you. I don't like this, because it's unfair to the others. It's not a matter of what I feel for them. I may even hate him/her. Don't question why I'm siding with them. Because the point is about doing what's morally right. When I don't like a guy, I'd rather do without his favours even if he's the only one whom I can turn to to accomplish a certain job. Not because I refuse to work with him. But cus that's fair to him. And If I can do it, I don'...

Nobody would blame us if we hated each other. I'll probably hate myself if I don't. So let's both make things easier... and let our feelings show. Stop correcting the impulses. Don't say we shouldn't hate. You realise... you're not sad that we can never be friends again? Nobody would blame us. Really.

These days... I've been fluctuating between hot and cold. Literally my mood is on the swing. To and fro...to and fro... Its nice if you know at the bottom of the swing you know you'll eventually start swinging upwards again. The keyword is "eventually". Cuz how long it takes... I don't know. But just knowing it will... tells me my world's not ready to end. I've skipped etching some happenings into blogger, because I don't wanna bear them into memory. Some people say it's good to stay happy; or one should strive to be happy every living minute cuz life's too short to waste grumpy. But I beg to differ... It's okay to be pensive when there's nothing uplifting... so that when the happy occasion do happen, the difference in mood will manifest itself manifolds. Imagine 0 as neutral, and happy as 10, unhappy at -10, and pensive hovering around -5 or so. If you're constantly cheerful, say, at 7, when a happy occasion happens, ...

They say... what is reflected as dreams is what your subconscience registers, but its implications not loud enough for you to realize under normal circumstances. If this is true... I wonder why I dreamt of that. Perhaps it's insecurity, perhaps its the warning that its possible for you to be so very angry at me to walk out thus. Maybe its an alarm toll struggling to be heard regarding what I've done recently. Unknowingly. Or stuff I've taken for granted. Anyhow, I was petrified when I woke... and you called me stupid when I related the dream to you. Yeah it may seem stupid, but it made me realise how afraid I was when you walked out on me. And that devastating moment where everything else collapsed, when I knew for certain you wouldn't be coming back for me even if I waited at the exact spot where you left me. The pain was numbing. No it doesn't make sense. How can it be numbing when it hurts so much? It cleared doubts of my feelings. It told me what I want...

Cold lonely night... It's contradicting when I say I don't feel like talking to anyone. It doesn't matter that people try to be around you all the time, when that one time you needed them, they seem to all be tied up somewhere. Or uncontactable. Or just... tired. It happened this afternoon... I took the bus to nowhere. Walked the mall endlessly. The loneliness just kept infiltrating my senses, drugging all shopping interest. To them, its just not me to need companionship. And I didn't press my request. People like thong, I know he will come out if I asked further. But I didn't. Don't ask me why... because you already know. The silence is so stifling... I can hardly breathe. "Then dont," says a voice that hasn't surfaced for so long. A little tinge of nostalgia, a comfy feeling as this loneliness settles. "Your place is with the dark. Why convince yourself otherwise?" I push at the icy arms embracing me. No, I can feel ...

And then I looked up at the sun And I could see Oh the way that gravity turns for you and me And then I looked up at the sky and saw the sun And the way that gravity pulls on everyone, on everyone... --- Gravity, by embrace. Look what you've done... made a fool outta me... Felt so displaced by your surprise...I even forgot to thank you. But... it was very sweet. This lingering smile speaks volumes... Ask those who've been around me, how often they saw this smile And you'll know just how much you've accomplished.

This lone existence With out sustenance Nights of solitude Waking to attitude Dreaming of happiness Reality ending in sadness Longing soon to see My place by the sea But empty it serves For none shares my surf My hammock swings lonely My heart beats quietly And the sun begins to set Another whiskey I get On the rocks for me Like my life you see A long, long time past Words I remember last An island never cries Maybe I’ve never tried A rock feels no pain Another lonely day I gain But still he I see So far away from me

I've placed my trust in you.. but should you choose to betray it, I have little else to say. Ask me not what my reactions will be... I know naught myself. But the loopholes of your betrayal shall eventually be evident, even if I'd wish not to see them. I love you. It's plain and simple. But why is it I feel the distance you try to put between these days?

:: Good and Evil :: -- by icl. Are humans born bad? or do they got misguided? "Come," says the whore, "join me in my bed." Towards her I go, although my legs have turned to lead. Are all men cabable of evil? Or does evil get bred? "Come," says the shadow, "join me, I'm the Devil." Towards it I go, although I should have fled. But without the bad and evil; How can the Good exist? Without the work of the Devil; What shall the Gods resist?

I'm tired. My body doesn't seem able to hold out anymore. Inhale... I feel the toxins gathering at my lungs, then surge to my fingertips as the heart struggles to pump while it still can. Exhale... The energy drains out. I need another dose of air. I'm addicted. To this world's poison. The sadism and pain stinks up the air It's all over the place. Inhale. It's hard to stay sober. Death or deceit. My favourite game.

I don't run, And I don't hide. Trusted no one, I'm sorry I lied. The shadows shift. The trees are laughing. They whisper what a fool I make With very rustle made. I tried... To scream my denial. The world's the fool, not I. I mastered the act'o deceit fine. No point trying to change my mind There's no empathy from one my kind. Bemused... I laugh at their confusion. The world's the fool, not I. I mastered the act'o deceit fine. A few my kind is all it takes To wreck this world with clever lies. I don't run, And I don't hide. Look who's crying, And the end who dies.

Trust (trst) n. Firm reliance on the integrity, ability, or character of a person or thing. It's a foreign commodity I'm trying to wring out from my heart. I wonder if it's there somewhere underneath those piles of bad experiences and determination not to fall victim to such naive emotion again. Or maybe it had already sublimed till simply not a trace left from before. I wish I could use the word in "I trust you", instead of superficially in "I trust you know what you're doing". Same way as I would like to say " I love you", and not "I love the way you do up your hair". You're spending the night out... And I really wish you could prove to me that I can trust you. Under this particular definition.

Why am I feeling this way? Why should I care if what I wrote or put on my msn nick will bring anyone unhappiness... ?!! I am depressed. I have the right to write what I bloody hell want to. I hate you for coming into my life. And now that you're supposed to be gone, I jolly well hope you're gone for good. For now when you cannot make up your mind and I cannot do anything to help it, I just wanna hide and sleep my days through. Even if the world freezes over, I will still accept it the way it appears when I wake. I don't care. I just want you gone. You're causing me hurt when I don't love you. What right do you have? I don't even treat you as a friend. Everytime I see you I just want to scream at you to get lost. Either that or I just want to turn around and leave. I want the freedom to show I hate you. And what I want, I'll work for.

Chanced upon Ed on TV last night...one of those rare nights I got to sit down and play with the remote control. There was a breakup scene between a couple of 7 years. She used the analogy of the fourth of july fireworks to explain how colours their relationship had faded. And I thought of the live fireworks. And how ethreal that 10 mins of explosive raining felt. In his arms. Watching his face upturned. My head resting against his collarbone. As the balls of explosives widened nearer and nearer towards us, I was amazed at what I was able to feel at that moment. The feeling of sharing something wonderful with the one you love. The knowing that someone else truly loves you back the way you love him. The beauty. The sharing. Just like a dream.

. I like taking them, though I spent an awful long time learning how to swallow. They made me restful.. and I can slowly smile again... Time don't pass that slowly, and I don't think depressive thoughts. One of them makes me mellow, Two of them makes me sleep... So maybe I should just take more... Hide longer in my dreams. ANd ya.. my friends and doctor can spank me later. If i wake.

I stared motionless at my screen for twenty mins past. Came here because I have alot to express. Yet how difficult it is to convert them into words. I wish I could play the keypads like the piano... it seems music can express them better this very moment. I can almost hear the tune in my head. But there's only the gentle clicking when I hit the keys. I am reduced to trying to express them in the simplest, most direct way. How bad is that. That's what an emotion maelstrom does to you. Having lived with its occasional reccurance for more than a few years now... I can only say... I'm rather used to it. Feeling numb. I guess everyone is entitled to mood swings now and then. Some more frequent than others... and then there's the difference in intensity. I'm not a stranger to that. But.. I will never ever want to subject people dear to me to it. And even when I'm in a bad mood instigated by external factors, I wouldn't take it out on them. Which then ...

Perhaps... I miss the times when I didn't know your feelings. But even after I knew, I wasn't the one who pulled away. Though I never wanted to think how things could turn out if you didn't suddenly leave, I still feel a pang of hurt when I think of how you can just decide to leave. Obviously we didn't matter enough. I thought I watched you leave, and expected an end. But you keep coming back... and that's even worse than never seeing you again. At least when you're not around anymore I reminisce you once in a while, as how things were. But now, I keep seeing the person who wears your face, your voice, but not you. I see how you try to smile each time you see me. But the warmth doesn't reach your eyes. It doesn't matter I don't see myself in your eyes anymore. It just displaces me to know you don't laugh half as much as before. It's a little tingling feeling, but that's all it is. I feel enough to watch out for you.. but not eno...

I'm happy... truly. Because you made my life more colourful.. And I wish... I could simply do the same. Just these simple words to tell you... In the plainest ways... But let my actions convey how I smile within, For as always, they speak forth loudest.

To: The voice within (Online) ruthlessmanoeuvre@mindsickness.com > [Right-click to see ways you can interact with this person] Sheathe your angst, There's naught to be earned from destroying me. Without the host The parasite dies. Don't wreck my thoughts, They're the only reason you're alive.

At the crossroads where rationalism and emotions meet. My heart is heavy, too heavy to breathe. It tells me to start packing and walk away. I can't bear to leave. Yet how can I stay? An end. How far can I walk away before I start slowing down my footsteps... How long more before I turn back.. How much more can I make myself go through... all over again.

I'm not making myself sad. This night... a month ago... I felt a spurt of happiness I thought I couldn't feel anymore. But ironically... just as he said too, the turn of events today just didn't seem norm. Please don't lie to me...though it may be a white lie to keep hurt from me, I judge myself strong enough to take naked truths. Unless it's guilt that kept you from telling.............................. Sometimes I wish I was abit more ignorant. Then I need not wonder why you didn't tell me certain stuff. Nor doubt the things you sometimes say. And sometimes I wish I didn't have to feel the need to protect myself, but trust you completely and let you protect me instead. It's not that I'm in self-doubt. Nor am I unable to trust. I want to trust. Want to believe. I feel like i'm waiting for something... to tell me that I can lower my drawbridge and let my folksmen out of the sanctuary they've grown tired of. They'll work hard...

Meeting the wrong person. Meeting the right person at the wrong time. Meeting... none. It really felt like the last time I'm watching him walk away... That moment... I was empty. Even my sprained ankle ceased throbbing. The only sound in the silence was a crushed shattering.. The rest numb and muffled, deadened night, me. I would rather hurt myself Than to ever make you cry... I wait in the darkness Frozen winds surround my face In the cover of darkness I can make believe its you I feel you like the rain, I feel you like a storm cloud building in my heart I wonder if you know the pain to want the one thing you haven't got. --- Savage Garden, Mine.

What happened to the new year resolution of not waiting for another's sms or calls? I don't know what the hell is wrong... but yet nothing feels right either. Trapped in a perfect opportunity for couples to hang out... Sigh. Can't help but wonder why I got myself into it in the first place. Watching others... holding hands walking, looking into each other's eyes, eating together, I wonder when I can be able to do that carefreely too. He's always around, but then again not near at all. That longing, that ridiculous red laser beam dot resting on him wherever he is, hoping he'll prob spot me looking and smile back. Just such simple things will make me happy... When you feel something so strong towards a person but have to watch him with her, it's like breathing in diffused arsenic, dying a bit more each time when you see them together. Furthermore you can't show what you really wish to do, say things in the tones you seriously wish to. Cuz the...

Sometimes... The things I feel frightens me. So out of control, sudden. Just like how much I really love you.   At the end of the day I just wish that I'm not hurting myself again, from the rate I'm sinking each day, into the fantasy of loving you. This love seemed to have a mind of its own, and wants to steer its own course. But whether it's hurtling me towards the rocks, or to the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow I've been hunting for, I do not know.  How deep my feelings go aweds me.   I just wanted a little happiness... but this happiness comes with hurt; a whole damn bigger proportion of hurt. I don't know how much longer I can try to balance out this hurt with the little joy, because it's pulling me down, like today. Thoughts were strumming through my head on my way back... Many a times I wanted to give up, walk away, to ask for your help to let me get over you. But then again... I care too much to ever face my back ...

Love. The worst that could happen is when you both like each other but cannot be together. "I'm sorry to hear that..Be strong...Cry like hell for a day, then wake up and face the world again..Some things are never meant to be.." --Thank you Ernie... ----And Thank you Nesta... for making 'brightening up my day' a must-do everyday... Shit happens...they all say. Why am I so considerate; my Rationalism scares me. I'm not trying to be noble...in fact I hate myself for this unfortunate personality trait.   I haven't cried so much since 2 years ago...I wonder if the metal around my laptop touchpad will rust.   and to that supreme force up above...you've made your point clear enough that you're a sacarstic asshole. You simply love to see me hugging my knees in agony don't you?          Leave me be... if you really care about me. Let me sleep away reality... And all this unjust, all this miser...

There's something very poignant about watching people sleep... especially those you know. You'll wanna tug the blanket closer up their chin, tousle their hair, or even brush away any stray locks hiding their serene sleeping faces. Or maybe it's just me. I cannot bear to know that I can sleep while my friends don't, I'll rather be the one without a jacket than to watch them shiver in their sleep. I used to think anyone seeing me home was unnecessary, because I have enough qualms to know how to wriggle home safely. I never want to become anyone's burden: sending me home when you live at the other part of the island is...impractical. Nesta said I should change my opinion: think more for myself than for others. The way he described it, it's not entirely a all-good-for-me-only thingie. Especially when the person in question is a guy... Cuz there's a certain feeling of ease when you see your friend reach home safely. And I think I understand that ...

Whats the use... Of being able to accomplish so many... When you fail to do that one thing that matters to you. The thing for that person that stays with you when you wake up in the morning, And dissolve last before your sleep. It matters...a small thing like tying the tie... Why couldn't I do it...the sudden irritating mental block I don't understand. So what if I used to tie ties worthy of praise for my friends back then, this one time when I wanted a perfect one, just for you, i screwed it up. A sudden irritating mental block I don't understand. After you left i sat alone, the emptiness of the foyer emphasizing the emptiness I feel inside. All accomplishments thrown to hell, and boy does hell have a big appetite. This time round, even Lisa Ono's crooning can't soothe that angst. Not to mention being at the wrong places at the wrong time, I think I'm actually doing wrong things at the wrong times too. Or rather I should say NOT being able to...

Sometimes.... just sometimes, we don't realize things, until it all arrive at a wrap. I'm hurt, yes, by your callousness. I know it's not worth it writing of you... "But writing is recognising my sadness tonight..." Isn't this what I've hoped for... But why do tears fall so hopelessly galore... But if it's any consolation, I know things will be fine after tonight, just like drug withdrawal symptoms: You get stronger after conquering each wave of shivers and spasms... What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. You made the decisions, you jolly well bear the consequences. I made my decision some time ago, but I didn't stick by it...and I'm paying for it; And now that you've made yours, I'll help you keep it. Don't come telling me it was all a joke...of all things I may be, I am not a toy.

As I sit, diligently snipping my nails... Clip by clip, inches by inches, Wishing I could nip away my thoughts As easily as this. Some have told me they envied my nails Because they're rounded by nature and healthy. I too, adore my nails, Can never bear to cut them Until they prove to be against practicality. Like the way you are to me. Clip by clip, inches by inches, Wishing I could nip away thoughts of you As easily as this. My mind doesn't feel like mine Because it's filled with you My mood cannot be defined Cuz you change it too damn often. Stop it, its hurting me. Clip by clip, inches by inches, Wishing I could nip away the insanity you bring As easily as this.

**To Dee Ricco - Blessed are the hearts that can bend, as they shall never be broken......** No one's ever dedicated a MSN nick to me... I can say this is a first... and I suddenly feel an emotional twinge knotting within me... maybe this is what "Touched" feels like. Haha. Perhaps what happened today had something to do with me feeling so emotional about such a small gesture, hmm... but I really haven't felt so concerned-for before. Even though they're only words, and he'll probably change the nick soon... it was really sweet. Thank you, for making me smile when the clouds were gray... Thank you Nesta... I mean it.

You can always spot a quiet person, especially when you're one of them. We're the people who sit apart from the crowd, who live in their thoughts, who take time to watch the world and listen, who, more than anything, just want to be needed. We're hopelessly devoted to our friends and family and anyone who listens and takes an interest in us. We have so much to say, so much to share, but for whatever reason can not bring ourselves to speak. I think, for most of us, it's a fear of being laughed at, rejected, misinterpreted. Our silence is what makes us unique, special, and mysterious, and when you take that away we're afraid there will be nothing left. A million thoughts run through our minds every day: we contemplate life, relationships, death, trivial questions, ultimate meaning, nature, memories. We watch the wind blowing through trees, the young mother spanking her child out of frustration, the old woman hobbling along by herself as she shops for groceries...

Follow your heart and This' where it gets you A drugster who wanted to believe The world could take her in A normal life she'd lead Where it's safe to Hope, And Trust in you. Look how far she's fallen Drugged no longer by toxins But perished beliefs and haunted dreams. Be careful whose advice you heed But, be patient with those who dispense it. Advice, a form of nostalgia to those who give it, Isn't the drug for me. No matter how good it sounds. Or how great it seemed to work for others, It's a drug nonetheless. Why did I take a step back to believing And hurt myself again and again The hovertruck smashing the pumpkin Why did I press the rewind and forward buttons Watch the scene 'gain and again Do you call me a sadomasachist, Or a fool to the very end? The story ends here Guess I know by now. If you don't mind... I'll head on down the cellar for a while Don't holler because the little girl's dead. ...

It hurts, to know I'm not good enough It burns, to hear those words you left unsaid, And I know that nothing I do can affect what you feel. I couldn't help the tears that rained.

Oh yay. I'm writing a new entry, instead of turning in. Can't help it... gotta empty my thoughts before they do me in. I feel the familiar pang of depression these days... those voices echoing in my head, trying their darnest to reduce my self-esteem to dust. "No one will care if you just sat here forever." I dunno what I've done by explaining in the previous entry, for better or for worse. I feel like explaining right from the top, but again it would take ages, and a great deal of effort to convert what I feel into words. Graphics would be better, but i'm no artist. Words as my only consolation, I wrote a great deal last night. But perhaps due to total exhaustion (which led to clicking the wrong stuff) or a technology glitch, the 14june entry i edited last night is nowhere to be seen. Some would definitely say..."Well... mabbe its really not meant to be." But somehow I don't wish that to be true. I wish anyone could be me ...

All of nothing, Nothing of all. I'm here and yet, not here at all... Another lonely night... But this time the silence speaks volumes, where self-realization occurs... you feel like you've attained a further level of achievement. "He's bumming around all the time until he hits a certain thing then he stops a while, then continue bumming again.." Meow's words hit me suddenly... that I've been doing just that for what felt like, and if I'm not wrong, a few years. No wonder I'm feeling the tug to slow things down, find a place I can belong. Quit being the social butterfly, and the handsome hermit. But I suddenly realize... there's no place I can rest. After these years of flippant bumming around, I haven't really established any place sturdy enough to keep out the shudders should the storm come. That, is the ultimate trigger and reason for my depression these days. I'm really tired of flying. I need a branch to perch on....

I've loved you... Since the day you held my hand Even now when there's a hole too big for me to mend. I wish... I could make you see how things don't have to end But you bundled my love and make it clear away you'll send. I know you're busy but I'm going away There seems to be nothing yet I've so much to say Wanna hope that you'll ask me to stay But deep down i know there'll never be this day. I hope, to see you next time I don't have to pay Nor you'll only see me when I'm on a morgue's tray.

Waking up with vestiges of the nightmare still in my head, I know today's not gonna be the best of days. And that applies to any entry I'm writing. I probably dump this into Drafts simply because it'll reflect too cynical a person; too dark a mood. Don't mistake me for a grouch...I'm fairly optimistic most of the time,(at least in this lifetime.) But there are times, like today, where things just seem to insist attention from a more practical approach. Relentless they are in highlighting the darker side of a coin in any situation, whether they seek to warn me of danger I put myself in by being optimistic, or try again to ensnare me into that deep dark hole of cynism, I don't know. And I probably don't really care to discover. I miss my friends. Probably because I don't have alot of them, that's why I can remember just how long ago I've last seen them. And it's been too long. Most of the time I ask them out, they wouldn't be free... ...

Imagine the odds Of me sitting here Looking through my window As swirling galaxies appear Searching the sky For questions to the answers I have found About love and what else might matter, As time slowly runs aground Imagine the odds Of you sitting there Looking through your window During this night of sweet despair And of all the billions of stars We were looking at the same While even if we wanted to; Never to know each other's name Imagine the odds Of this unity of ‘we’ As one in our existance Of perfect disharmony. -Christophe C.

"i have a choice... to take the well-trodden path, or the one less travelled... i took the latter not because i like robert frost neither because it sounds cool it's because i know what i want in life at the very least, i know what i dun want..." ernie never fail to put a knowing smile on my face at the way he echoes my thoughts...though he's not a know-all when it comes to what's inside this nuthead, he's by far one who have made it closest. Just wanna say... I've also taken paths less trodden before... just to prove I can. Though the actions I took ain't that extreme as ernie's but I've also had my share of stumbling blocks, doubtful glares and smirking scoffs. And though the journey was ardous, it was reflective of who are really true; it helped me have more time for myself by reducing my social circle by half. Last but not least, it also made spring cleaning more efficient for me. haha...

They say... " Do not spend time on people who aren't willing to spend time on you ." Used to think that was cynical, but i've come to realize gradually that living by this principle brings much less heartache, not to mention maintaining a healthy self-esteem. =) I was thinking what my greatest achievement is thus far these few decades. And I'm proud to find one...That's giving myself another chance to live. Well... it's probably sad that I can't come to love, but at least the hurt's not around either. Amen. And as for Man on the whole, I'd say... "Mankind's greatest achievement is being able to work his way up to the top of the food chain." (o'.'o)

Once in a while...i allow myself to indulge in the dreamy sensation of being cared for, the power to feel wanted, to be protected, the way i enjoy liquor, in those rare once-in-a-whiles. Like liquor, it's important to know your limits, and stop before your world spins unto oblivion. It's dangerous to let go, because you'll never know what will happen after you're drunk, and friends you thought you were safe drinking with may just shapeshift into predators of the night. Dreaming is one thing, but making use of a friend isn't something I can answer to myself. So once again it's time to shake off those cobwebs of sweet dreams, before our friendship is affected as a result. Thank you, for caring. I'll strive to be worthy of that friendship you offer. =)

Don't misunderstand... it's not that you're not important enough for me to desire taking the risk. Surely you wouldn't want me thinking the same when you likewise didn't take the leap. I won't be pompous to assume I understand what's going on in your head. For all I know you could be referring to someone else. My instincts can be off from time to time. As I said it's not lack of chemistry between us, but that I don't feel like pushing. I'm satisfied with my life on the whole, albeit wishing for a shoulder to snuggle up to come those lonely nights... but that aside, I've my steady group of friends, and even better, can do well just on my own. I'm not unfamiliar with the game. I know the rationale behind those sms and outings. Neither do i pretend I'm ignorant of what they mean. But I sortof like the way things are now.. where we're close because you value me as a friend, not because you want more.

The last thing you expected me to say was 'let's take a break'...isn't it? I wanna tango, in the evening sun, the fading heat baiting the heat in my eyes, when you gaze simply into mine. Fluttering eyelashes, Racing heartbeats, Tango's a bonding, Strictly room for two. I wanna hold you, joining hip to hip, lost in the music you strum from me, drunk in a sensual mist. Sliding bodies, Caresses of silk, Let this spell bring, More than just moves.

Maybe I shouldn't be bitter, cuz it's my fault to even dream. Likewise for others who've left my life, I probably didn't deserve it. As i sit here typing letter by letter, my mind seeks to scan who I really have to fall upon if I should really fall. I've got alot of "i'll-be-here-when-you-need-me"s, but silence in times like these. Never promise when you can't do it. For it's an two-way insult: Your flippant attitude to promise, my lack of judgement to believe. Yes, I am pissed. At those who thought I only needed words.At those who took our relationships for granted. At those who thought it was okay to let me down. Now i only seek a salvation from labelling myself a fool for all the efforts I've put in based on these empty promises.

Great men fought for many things: Country, Pride, Friendship, Freedom, Belief, Love. Some lesser fought for Greed and Obsession. I'm no great man, and that's my excuse for not knowing what I'm fighting for. "They teach you how to fight, but they don't teach you why." "Humans are afraid of the vast emptiness of immortality." And its true "the Gods envy us because we are doomed. Because every thing we do seemed more precious when we may never be here again." At the same scene, with the same actors. Strangely, watching Troy and 3rd series of Buffy has gotten to me these days. It set me thinking all over about stuff...that I casted aside when my mind was shrouded with an emotional maelstrom. Both movies have their common characters.. Spike and Achilles. They both wanted what seemed impossible given the circumstances. They portrayed a fort of coolness, but do you see the tears they shed when they think no one is looking? Those haunte...

Those who would give up an essential liberty for temporary security, deserve neither liberty nor security. -- Benjamin Franklin.

It isn't christmas yet, but here I am, suddenly overcome with the inspiration of how apt a christmas present my idea will make you. Hurt my back yesterday while helping out at the store..but i think i'm getting the hang of how to carry loads heavier than myself without hurting. Living in a world of my own, Resisting interruptions. No more reaching out to you, More surprises out of zero expectations. This year's rag theme is Sense, and it evoked alot of, well... sense in me, when i think about how acutely aware i am constantly of so many things around me at any time, while others don't. Is it me, or their nonchalence? Do you call it Subjected/Filtered Attention? Anyone can feel, depression, joy, misery. But how many can sense? How many look into the mirror and see beyond their own faces at the people walking behind your reflection? They say good communication comes from practice, the basic being a good listener, and that involves good eye contact. But th...

Despite the cuts and bruises, i truly enjoy what I've been doing these days... working my legs and arms nonstop and developing solid muscles. Hopefully soon it will be as solid as my dad's..... SHE-MAN~ *plays Final Countdown music*. Leaving for Bintan soon... and though ppl say that's a place for relaxation, to me it's a place to put aside all decorum and heck any consequences of loads of shouting, screaming, sunbathing, scubadiving, singing, sadism, (no sex although it's tempting to continue the list with a word starting with a "s").... Hey decorum may have been flung outta the window but i still have my morals... we should at least have dated once or twice. ("-.-) Ok that was a joke... *pictures green sea and sashaying coconut trees with a silly grin*

It seemed so long ago that we muttered farewells... I still remember the reluctance to turn my back to you or watch you walk away each time... But a day's gotta end eventually, we always have our last trains to catch. But what stays embedded even more clearly in my memory than all these, is your lack of emotions when you say goodbye. i often wonder if this is due to your cocksure confidence we will meet again, or nonchalence that it doesn't matter if we did or not. Anyway... I don't think I will ever get to know the answer... Because there will never be another chance for us to say goodbye... Just wanna thank you for those times together...sharing all we are with each other, until the very last minute when the bell to last train tolls.

Sitting amidst my dearest friends talking about anything and everything, so comfortably myself that my mind wandered somewhere else... to many places between splitseconds... some places I didn't even know I remembered. I realise what I wanted was not for people to listen to me. To be able to grab and earn the chance to speak among all the ppl speaking at the same time, sets the thrill. But sometimes... I just can't be bothered. Watched a wrong movie..or rather I went into the cinema with the wrong expectation of how the show is going to be. Gore and sadism usually put me on high, but Dawn of the Dead somehow didn't accomplish that. I applaud the gore, irony and sadism served blatently though, the music, the layout, and my favourite: The way the credits are presented. But something went wrong when all that was assembled, I came out reeling as if i've just gotten off genting's famed double 360 roller coaster. Enough about the movie... the weekend is here, and ...

Living past the past is truly a great experience... The ability to hold your head up high once more amongst ppl you know, some of them you have histories with, whether good or bad. The latter doesn't matter anymore, because I got the feeling right. I feel right being who I am, and today's dance concert proved just that. Confidence from within that gives me the ease to turn most of other's conversations into jokes, asking coy questions towards pointed anwers. And of cuz the wit to save any awkward situations and lame jokes. That feels good. (",) Hello... Welcome back on board~ This is deeV.2.1, an improved but similar version of whom ppl knew in 2000. I know a couple of you who will be happy when you read this. You guys are the ones who can feel the difference in me these days. And you guys are the people I'll always strive to keep up with day to day.

I know I'd probably regret this in the morning; switching on my laptop instead of heading for bed. Like serious drinking, I'm enjoying the cheap thrill of the process, and somehow knowing the postaction result will be one helluva headache enhances the thrill. I'm drunk, seriously, drunk from my thoughts. Those churning voices in my head swirling like cognac in a tasting flask. Except they dont lull you to sleep. They dont burn a delicious path down your throat either. Bittersweet lingering taste clinging onto your palates, you can't hide you've been drinking...nor thinking. So drunk yet so somber... 6 years is too much between... no matter how great the attraction nor how much there could be. You won't wanna sacrifice your years of experience to become younger; I won't trade my youth to be older. So I guess that's the way things are gonna be. Sigh...I really dont appreciate such tests to see if logic or affluence rules for me. There are consequ...

Those who were meant to leave, have left. Those who were meant to stay, have mourned. The music keeps on playing, Chantings incessantly loud. The bells are heavily towing, Death's consummation knows no bounds.

Shall there be truth between us, as two men? Not as friends, but as equals? There is an offer you will get rarely, Roland. Only equals speak the truth, that's my thought on't. Friends and lovers lie endlessly, caught in the web of regard. How tiresome! Stephen King, The Dark Tower - The Gunslinger "I dont know how I'm going to face him at the gathering." "I'm sure you can. I've seen you do it. Just that your tears will fall when the day ends." I guess she's the only one who will say that to me. Without reprimand, encouragements, nor accusations. As equals, we're bequested with the freedom of speech. I love her... in the special way of mine, that's not like how I love him. The similarity is I'm willing to do almost anything for her, no matter how tired nor difficult, I'm willing to try. And she's right... I did face him, though not at the gathering. Tears didn't fall, but I felt so weary. Maybe my ac...

Each time I close my books for the day, a dozen memories flash by. I'm trying to convince myself that it's no one's fault that things ended up this way. This distance wedged in between us is not a result of any of our actions, or lackthereof, in any case. At least this is applicable on my side. Not engaging in small talk when I see you online is cuz I dun wan to disturb you (after all the complaints that you're real busy), though I dont know why you didn't reply the messages I left you eventually from time to time. I sent them because I really wanted to know how you were doing..and unwillingly admit I've missed your banter, our teasings, your laughter. "I know you think that I shouldn't still love you, or tell you that But if i didn't say it, will I still have felt it Where's the sense in that?" -- Dido, White Flag Maybe I'm just pretending to be dumb, Maybe I'm trying to forget I heard the latest news... Maybe you l...

His intentions were blatant, and I surprised myself by accepting the invitation. The dinner was enjoyable...thank you very much... I realised what I truly want from now. Or who. And it's not this. *smiles*

I just snapped, like the ropes I was trying so hard to hang on to amidst the storms. I lost the boat to the currents, watching the waves herd it towards the rocks. I knew at that instant that things really ended then and there. I did try, I swear, look how my hands are blistered. Grieve I do not, pissed off I am. Very very pissed off. If you dare push the blame of losing the ship to me, I'm gonna stab you through and through. You were the one who told me to handle the ropes While you fix a sandwich somewhere warm inside How cold it was out here, you didn't even bring me a brolly Bloody hell you didn't remember the anchor! The ship was our efforts. Now that it's gone I guess there's no point staying back and pointing fingers. I don't care for explanations So busy that you neglected the ship So busy you forgot I was outside So busy you forgot the bloody anchor Dammit why didn't you forget your sandwich?!? I don't care how m...

Maybe I'm just dreaming, I thought I heard your voice You were calling me, softly. And I roused from sleep. But you and I both know, i'm no sleeping beauty neither will there be the happily-ever-after bliss. *grinz* My smiles are free. It's my tears that you gotta pay to see.

I turn around but I don't see you In the darkness that shrouded us This meaningless merry-go-round That was meant to rust. I've written so much unconsciously. Scrolling back on archives, there's a dull ache where the pain used to be, a veil over those that were angry. Perhaps to one, those words dripping icicles of sacarsm captured my angst and hurt, but they truly only represent the tip of a goddamn iceberg of emotional horror ensconed within. I used to play this game called Ice Climber on my Nintendo. For every level, there's certain obstacles you have to overcome, like knocking the ice off from upper layers in order to mount layer by layer, while looking out for evil penguins that hurry about filling up the ice you knock off. Sometimes icicles will form above and drop down, like the penguins, once in contact with the player you lose a life. Other than these obstacles there are the moving clouds you sometimes have to wait for to come before you can mount them...

If I said I feel your pain, would you believe me? Don't take it as pity, don't look away. Don't let me feel that you regretted letting me see That side that others feared to touch. I won't feign ignorance the way they did I won't change my opinion of you I won't tell you I've been through worse I won't make you hear mine. You look afar. You're wondering why you're telling me Things you vowed the world wouldn't see. You fear my warmth, I can see You fear to trust, I feel it. I'm just as afraid as you are It's dangerous to show I(can)feel. You mock a chuckle. You're thinking I'll eventually leave like the rest After this night is through. Why don't you start being fair to yourself, Give y'self a chance, believe my eyes, they're without wiles I feel with you, not for you, for just your smiles. I'm not God,(can't give you what you want) I'm not perfect,(can't show you ...

Figured since I'm online, might as well tell everyone a horror story. Imagine...there's someone out there, who wants to live your life as you, who plotted to get rid of you and become you, have your friends, your family. Visited Des's blog since he said he changed the layout... to find k's nick on his tagboard. Which means that she'll have means of accessing my blog since des has a link to mine. Sigh...it's ok, I handled it all very well. And thank god when I clicked on the link to my blog from his page it brought me to the old address. Means even if k saw anything, it was all of the past. But still it's quite alot. But then again, there's little more she can do to hurt me further. he is already lost to me. It's scary to have someone who wants live your life, to take everything you have, to BE you. I didn't mind sharing some of what I had with her, but apparently it wasn't enough. She wanted my position, my friends, my happiness, an...

unknowingly, this has been a happy sem... Weeks have been flying since school started. Maybe there's more holidays, more events, more laughter, more gatherings, more birthdays, more accomplishments, more contact with people who can make me really relaxed and happy. I see rei at least once a week for lunch, online almost every night, hikaru at least twice for thai, and I like hikaru's fren irene who goes crazy together with me each monday... grandoter for marketing, meow for mondays and wednesdays, da online often, ernie once a week, bra sms me often, my parents everyday, my grandma several times a week, my dogs everyday... *catches breath* my days aren't draggy and lost. I can't really put into words how I feel. Maybe I'm happy. Maybe its only contentment. But I'm smiling more...just lemme show ya~ =) haha... maybe credit for my happy sem goes to starting the new year the right way~ on lovely albeit noisy changi beach instead of sleeping it aw...

Along the eternal winter in you a gust of something else still cuts through something faintly resembling one who cared i knew you would never change and the way you said goodbye could make the falling leaves stop dead right in their tracks when rigor mortis has set in i'll know you are finally at peace within and you have to believe me when i say i envy you the remora needs someone else to be and the opiates have taken to me but the thing that i just could not take was you

When I see coffee, I think of a friend. I've never seen anyone drink sooo much coffee... Knowing the doses he heaped on himself is deadly. So here's to him. Don't die before me yeah? Happy Birthday!!! --- hugs and kisses, dory. An ode oh the black bittersweetness with or without you i'm helpless your soul darker than midnight even when seen in light nothing mixed, nothing drained as you settle, my heart in pain but i wait, patiently i wait till you tell me, no longer wait sometimes you're corrupted looking so erupted 'times you're soul's lighter but still i taste bitter i revere you in wholeness i grasp you in all holiness i bring your lips to mine your taste... so fine my lips, escape a moan i quiver, shiver, i groan as i draw your life to me my pulse quickens, clearer i see oh, i need another cup of coffee...

My occupation's an actress, Life's my stage. Each morning I wake up, don on my costumes, step out of my sanctuary, and my work begins. Smiles in the lift, conversations in school, depressive moments... they're all part of my script. I love my job. I can be a mixture of anyone, anyhow. I act. I'm not shy, or is that only an act? I love to dance, I can be the daring tango samba, or saucy courtesan. I seduce, stroke, savour... Audiences hot at the collar. It's a sin to manipulate people Make them think I'm me. Maybe guilt should get to me, Until then, I'm free. I'm arrogant, no doubt, Lucifer's own product. Take a hint, poor souls, There may be more to what I hold. I'm giving you a choice... A little lenience from me, Either flee, or tread very carefully.

I realise... it was real stupid of me to feel the stuff I did these past few months. Who am I fooling? I'm only finding someone else I can cling on to, so as to convince myself to climb out of the hole I've been in for so long. I accidentally opened a mail from jt dated 2000... I couldn't believe it was that long ago we were in love. The message was so damn sweet...it shocked me. He looks the same, sounds the same, but he's not him. I feel the despair one feels when your loved one passes away. He is really dead. Someone else took his body. I have gone with him.

Post-Valentine's Day Woke up strapped with lethargy. The malls bursting from crowds Streets full of cars Clouds dark with anger Thunder rumbles fierce. Mood dank like drainwater Thoughts running on treadmill Eyes cold with arrogance Patience sucked nil. Bears ensconed in wrappers Flowers bundled with frills Mayhem left from vday sales Discount signs galore. Lips quirking with a smirk Not gloating's a chore. BGR's a disease I wanna live summore. Mind saturated with evil Hair strewn by the wind Feet found their rhythm Lone-ing's not a sin.

Valentine's Day A second consecutive vday spent with thong... But this time there's kitty as well. REI..~why lydat...it would have been fun to have all of us talking together... Can't help reminiscing last year's adventure with thong >>puppy-hunting at pasir ris pet farm, without knowledge of where it is, how to get there etc, except that such a cluster of pet shop exists. So after scouting out SPCA we went popular research street directory and bus guide to the nearest bus stop to Pasir Ris Pet Farm Lane1 and 2, trekked another 2km to reach the pet farm...The sight of the puppies were rewarding, the amiable reception of the salespersons were worth the trip under the hot sun and risk-taking. =) I remember feeling so proud of myself for finding the locations from scratch. It's a big affirmation of my research skills. This year ain't lack of adventure either...we had fun doing what we set out to. In fact it went better than I expected. Went for...