Being Little Children

The hardest part of parenting is knowing that everything that goes right and everything that goes wrong is all my fault. I'm responsible for my children's behavior and my own. Each time I go over the top or lax out, I'm playing roulette with my children's future. I envision who I want them each to be one day. It's up to me to lead them in the right direction. I know that leading is done foremost by example, yet I blow it more and more as time passes. It escapes me how I can understand this role and still miss the mark, but I'm determined to get it right. 

Each night, I pray for wisdom in this venture. I pray for patience, self-control and the ability to train these guys in the way God intends. I'm thankful that the little nudges by the Holy Spirit are increasingly feeling more like blows. While I do feel guilty, I know that recognizing my mistakes is going to make me a better parent. It helps to think of myself as a child and remember God's mercy in all of my shortcomings. That humbling gives much needed perspective in my relationship with my boys. 

In Matthew 18, Jesus instructs us to become like little children. He goes on to warn us about causing the little ones to stumble. These two instructions together make a big impact on a parent. And being a parent gives a new perspective to Jesus' words. If I'm able to become like a little child, I'm better able to understand my children and less likely to make them stumble. If I can get behind the eyes of my boys and see me and the world the way they do, I'll be able to uplift them and present them with an environment conducive to God's will. My children can't fully understand the reasoning behind my actions any better than I can understand God's. It's up to me to provide the love, consistency, and mercy for my boys that God has bestowed on all of His children.

The infinite wisdom in God's Word to us far surpasses any books on child rearing. I realize now that life does come with a manual and it covers children. With it, I'm set to find the path that simultaneously smooths out the wrinkles of discipline and fans the flames of learning.

  

The Lessons Can't Wait

The planning is in full-swing, but the lessons can't wait. So, while I'm writing lesson plans, I've started doing workbooks and flashcards with the boys. Of course, I've done flashcards with them before, but we're focusing on revving up their minds and dominating my inconsistency. Once I get my lesson plans written and corresponding materials collected, we'll get into the "serious" learning! Well, it will be more detailed and cover a wider range at any rate!

My main focus right now is just to familiarize them with the alphabet and numbers. I purchased two dry-erase workbooks that the boys are really excited to use. I was so happy to find them as they're reusable, perfect for teaching two at once. The alphabet book excited the boys as I knew it would, but it was the numbers book that really got their attention. They enjoyed taking turns to practice tracing the letters and numbers as they shouted them out together.

I wasn't sure and didn't bother looking up how long of an attention span my kiddos might have before starting. I decided they'd be the best place to look for that answer. It was actually longer and better than I thought. And I was more focused and for longer than P which really surprised me as he is my calmer child. It just goes to show that I, my high needs baby, just needs positive attention and something to direct his energy. Though we are just three, we make a group and P often does better at things on his own. So, it makes sense that he became a little restless and selfish contending for attention and independence. These are definitely things to consider as we go on with our studies. So many things will be a revelation for me as I learn and go with the boys. I love that children teach you as much as you teach them!

The Potty is the Pits

Potty-training twin boys is seriously one of the most difficult things on the planet for me. This is our third go at it and it will be our last. As previously mentioned, they will soon turn three. Three years worth of diapers on two boys could buy a decent used car. That said, changing diapers is a whole lot easier than chasing half-naked giggling, screaming, pooping, peeing boys around the house. I keep reading these posts on Facebook that make the whole endeavor sound simple: "Little Johnny only had one accident today," "Sweet Sally potty-trained in two days," "Bobbie can hold his pee-pee as long as it takes to get to the potty." Either these people are lying or my boys broke the mold. I just do not get how this whole potty-training thing works and nothing I read helps with the details. I've followed suggestions and experimented with different methods and so far, I'm still blank. People don't seem to understand the questions I pose to them either. Are they in denial or did they sleep through their children potty-training themselves? 

At my house, potty-training is not a breeze. So far, I have to initiate potty-time. Once there, P usually goes pee-pee immediately while I struggles. While I'm encouraging I, P runs off to pee on some piece of furniture or patch of carpet. There is a lot of waiting and a lot of bargaining with jelly beans. When one twin is successful and the other unsuccessful, a jelly bean turns into the envy of the century and my head splits in two. Luckily, both boys are pretty eager to try to pee-pee on the potty unless they just woke up. 

It seems every positive has a negative for these two going potty. P actually has a dry diaper half the time, while I's is always very full. I hasn't had any accidents on the floor. He runs to the potty when he's about to go as long as he isn't wearing a pull-up. P will go on the potty and then intentionally go on the floor or anything else directly following. Reading these issues makes them seem less life-shattering, but living them puts me at my wit's end. I know they have books for this, but children don't come with individual instruction manuals. And my children didn't exactly come individually! I'm hoping that as the week continues, I will find strength and patience while the boys find bladder-control. 

And So We Begin...

The twins will be three soon. I had all these plans (ahem, delusions of grandeur) to have them educated in various ways by now. I had it all laid out: ABC's & 123's before age two, experienced readers by age three, Bible verses memorized, sports mastered, potty-trained, the whole shebang. I was more successful in ignoring the warnings that toddler boys are very active and consistency is imperative. I actually enjoyed smirking contentiously as people offered up comments such as "double trouble" and "your hands sure are full" as I knew that my boys were double blessings. My head has been spinning for the last year in a whirlwind of clean & dirty laundry, dishes, fights, pooped on carpet, food-riddled laminate and the list continues. Unfortunately, those warnings and other critical opinions are the only "help" that's offered.

Wait, let me back up a bit. I always stand deserving of a scarlet letter of shame when I say such things. The full truth is that I am blessed with a mother who provides for us financially. This is how I am able to stay home with my children. Any single mother out there knows what a blessing this is for us. But any stay-at-home-mother knows this job is the most difficult position ever. 


Back to my point... While I do have the wonderful blessing of financial care, the physical care is all on me. Growing up in a single-parent home, I've never really been aware of what a father's role is in the home. I guess I always assumed that if I had a father, my mom would be home, and he would be absent any way. I know now that a real father's support isn't limited by his paycheck. A real father plays with his children. A real father teaches them. A real father understands that his wife works too, even if she doesn't leave the home. Since I still haven't experienced a real father, I like to imagine that if one was available, he would give me a break from time-to-time. I may be making the non-single mothers cringe right now, but I can't help that. This is my day dream. It's filled with days that begin and end how I described my whirlwind, but has an hour thrown in each day where mom gets to shower, cook, clean, or just DO NOTHING in peace. Key words: IN PEACE.

So, all of my great plans have led me to this point. My boys don't know their ABC's, can't count, and can't read. Am I a failure? Of course, I am not. Do I feel like one? You betcha! I know from all of these parenting books that I read before things got so hectic that my main problem is consistency. I have no routine. We never really have had one. The boys came 5 weeks early, nursed on demand, go to bed whenever, and wake up when they feel like it. They're not bad children. I am blessed with smart, loving, happy little boys. But they are two and there are two of them. I am outnumbered and outlasted. My discipline went from ill-existent to scary in a month. I decided to never spank my children and then I decided that nothing else worked. Guess what? Neither works because the only thing I'm consistent at is being inconsistent. Now, the good thing here is that I am pretty intact when it comes to sanity and intelligence. I know I haven't messed them up yet. I know all hope isn't gone. And I know I'm not unlike a lot of other parents. In fact, I still think I'm a pretty great mother. I love my kids and I take care of them full-time. It's just that our time is missing a lot of necessary routine. And so now, we are going to begin, again.

I made a promise to God (the Biblical God... I'm a Christian. A Bible-believing, Pentecostal one to be specific) that I would follow His Word with these gifts He entrusted with me. I have been pretty good, albeit inconsistent, with teaching them about Jesus, praying, the meaning behind holidays, etc. But I've been pondering the words in Proverbs 22:6 since their birth and I still haven't moved on them. And here lately, it's been getting harder to want to move. I missed church for a few weeks and in general just wasn't happy with the church I was attending. I gained 30 lbs. during winter (previously a fairly fit, avid runner). I didn't have a single break from my home or children for nearly a month. I was basically just worn out and sliding into depression. And it just kind of hit me that there is so much more to life than allowing myself to feel that way. There is a Switchfoot song, Dare You to Move, that really motivates me. I read The Purpose-Driven Life last year and if I didn't already know, I'm pretty aware that there are some things I'm meant to do here and some lives I'm meant to touch. Well that song makes me feel pretty selfish and lazy for my lack of movement and willingness to keep going through the motions of life as if it can exist without me. It can't! I'm a mother. I'm needed. The ABC's & 123's won't happen without me. And the diapers will never end without me. So, I dare me to move. What happens next? Listen to the song already! I go from who I am to who I can be and I take my boys with me.