Dear Blog,

I'm feeling so depressed right now. I'm all alone at home, and i started walking down memory lane again today. I guess being alone sure makes you think of stuffs, sometimes you try to make yourself not think of them, but you end up reaching for a Kleenex and blowing your nose out. I haven't been like this for a long time. It happened once or twice after Grandma passed away. And then Grandpa passed away, i did it a few times.

Crying my eyes out. of course, when no one is watching. I do not want them to misunderstand anything or even worry about me. I guess i've given my family quite a lot of worries already, what with my health problems and such. I don't want them to worry about my sadness due to missing of my grandparents. I know i need to walk out of this, but i cannot. The scenes of my grandparents in that bed, on that sofa, talking to me, random chats, eating snacks with me, every corner of the house, every single second, the bonds with them transpired from that moment I stared at that empty bed.

I suddenly thought of Grandpa, before i flew off to taiwan for grad trip. That earnest look in his eyes as he wiped away his tears and told me he'd miss me when i'm away in Taiwan. I wonder if my departure for grad trip was an acceleration to the rocketing down of his condition. Maybe i was the trigger to him deteriorating, i don't know, and i'll never know because he is gone.

Which is why i am so torn now. I never told anyone, but i felt like it is my fault that he passed away. Maybe i'd blown that thought out of proportion, i don't know, and maybe i'm exaggerating my own impression on Grandpa, but i know he loved me alot.


I guess I shouldn't stay at home too much. All these.. is giving me a very bad migraine. I hope that muscle relaxants are not going to be the ones i reach out for after these Kleenex.


I'll come back stronger.

Hey blog,
it has been quite a long- no wait, it hasn't.

I am currently jobless right now, as school attachment has not yet began. I did look for a temporary job as a sandwich artiste at Subway, however, i was persuaded not to work anymore during this short period due to several reasons. First of which, my sister did mention that this will definitely be my last self-declared break before i start working for good, so i have to really cherish it and spend it doing whatever i want, and Whatever, of course, includes eating, sleeping and pigging. Secondly, I'm currently sick again. Down with one of the worst sorethroat ever! My voice has changed tremendously- call me, and you'll find yourself in for a good laugh. Also, the jaw problem is back.. Sighs. I was really feeling super down about it because i thought i kinda shook this off like quite some months back. I contacted Huiyi, whom I remember is studying dentistry and tried to ask her for some help. It was the best thing I have ever done with respect to this JAW ISSUE. Apparently, she has TMJ disorder too! I know I'm not supposed to be feeling happy about her being in this sad plight, but, honestly, i feel relieved, because I have always thought that I'm the only one suffering from this issue! So when i heard that she's coping with the same thing, I feel less of a freak. She also told me that she's had this for quite some time already, like probably at least 4-5 years and it is not affecting her life! I hope that with some medical help, I'd be able to be like her too (:


Okay, I have been ranting non-stop. I didnt go for Zumba last tuesday ( NOPE, IT WASN'T BECAUSE I WAS LAZY PLS). The instructor's down with the usual cold, sorethroat and fever. So class was cancelled. It was a little disappointing, because i was totally looking forward to it, although i was struggling with a rather bad-tempered period.


I wanna try to keep running, and running and running. Running has become one of Eileen's achievements. The fact is that I've always been quite weak, and i never thought i can actually run 2.4km, dont even get me started on how i used to run my 2.4km. I have to always tell myself that if i do not run fast enough, terrible things will chase after me and i'd never be able to reach for the good things ahead (LOL, IKR)

Right now, i can run one entire round around the reservoir, yes, it is no big deal, yes, many people can do it. But it is an awfully tremendous amount of deal to me, because now, EILEEN CAN DO IT.

Wheeeee (:


I'm starting to feel a little drowsy once again- the medicine seems to be kicking it's effects in. Nonetheless, I'm really glad i asked my friend about the TMJ thing today. It always feels better to know that you're not alone. Worrying about things alone is fearsome, because it is endless. However, when you share those worries, you can get quite a number of favourable situations. For one, you may be corrected of the wrong things you're worrying about hence decreasing your worries. Another will be that you know, share the happiness and you double it, but share your worries? You definitely half it !


Okay, i shall go off now.
This post seems to be in a rather perky and less emotional mood, teehee.

FIGHTING EILEEN, FIGHT!~~

Good day blog,

Just a piece of good news; I HAVE GRADUATED FROM UNIVERSITY! YAYYYY! *THROWS CONFETTI* *CLAPS* *DRINK UP*

My parents and sister were unable to attend the convocation, well, because my brother was enlisting into NS. That is okay, i am gonna count my blessings. I have people, my boyfriend, my best guy friend Yihao, and my JC clique as well as Joan who are able to come down and share this joyous occasion with me! Wheee, also, not forgetting, to the people who have strived so hard together with me, shoulders to shoulders, thank you all for graduating together with me. Love you guys so much. So thankful for the friendships i have forged in SBS after i dropped out of BMS. I was an outcast, and i was so afraid, because i haven't got anyone i could turn to for help with school work. I'm glad i mustered up courage to talk to the people on the same table as me during Behavioural class. Because of that, I managed to make friends with the people who form probably the best part of my University education. Thank you all.


During the convocation ceremony, when the valedictorian said " Please rise, turn around, and clap for your parents."

Honestly, i was kind of sad, because amongst all of the beaming faces of parents looking at their children, i didn't have anyone there except Keith. But I clapped as hard as i could, because without these parents, i would never have met the people i have met in Uni. So thank you, all my friends' parents, for your endless support and love which gave your children wings to be where they are today.

Not forgetting my own parents as well. You guys couldn't be there, but thank you for everything that you guys did to put me right when i was wrong, and to egg me on when i was making probably one of the most burdensome decision of me life.

Also, i thought i saw Grandpa and Grandma's faces amongst everyone else. I know you guys have seen me graduate even though you two aren't here anymore. I can cry over this a million times over the fact that you guys couldn't attend, but i hope you all are proud of me. I love you both, you two are the biggest motivators, the ones who bring so much joy to me and everyone else at home.

The house is really quiet without you guys now, every corner of the house, every inch of your bed, the sofa you guys often sat on.. the list goes on.


I'll be really brave and muster up all courage to embark on the next stage of my life.

I can do it.


Once again, con(grad)ulations to all who have graduated, the class of 2014!


HUAT AH!

I guess it's normal. It should be. I still miss my grandparents every single day. I talk to them as though they are still alive sometimes. 

Hey blog, it's me again. Sighs, the emotional wreck in me is here again. Recently, i have been feeling so lethargic, so tired, as if no amount of sleep can bring me back to fairly energetic levels. And i've been trying to coop myself at home quite alot, like when Keith asked me to go out, i find myself looking for reasons to stay at home. I told him about it, not because of anything, but more importantly, i don't want him to feel like i don't wanna go out with him. I think it's just me. Being really selfish, rotten and ..

I think it's me, just wanting to stay in this house, revel in memories of my grandparents lest i forget them.. it's just me, leaving myself succumbed to the misery of loss..

i need to get better soon. i need to stop letting myself get too attached to this emotion. I need to know that this feeling of pain hurts every fucking big deal, and i have to get away from it.

Time, why does time seem to pass so slowly?

I'm gonna go out today. Keith asked me out for cycling. I am gonna go cycle happily, and try to lock some emotions in this tiny cage found in the deepest corner of the heart.

Go Eileen Go!

Hey, i've began to blog a little more frequently once again. And of course, it is to take my mind off stuffs again. After the previous post, something terrible happened again. Well, this time round, i had prepared myself for it little by little.

My grandfather passed away.

I don't know how i should even type this, it hurts me so much. It's been 6 days since he departed, and every night, i cry myself to sleep still. Like i mentioned before, my grandfather originally had stage 4 prostate cancer since last november. We discovered it after he accidentally fell down after having a haircut at one of his friend's salon. When the doctors first diagnosed him, we were told not to worry as prostate cancer is generally one of the slower-spreading type, and the doctors also gave him jabs every 3 months to help curb the spread.

All was going good, the PSA (indicator of how much the prostate cancer had spread) was going down from a couple of thousands to about 300 (still relatively higher than that of normal males whose levels often ranges below the 100 mark). It seemed like the cancer was controlled quite well.

However, all these changed after grandma abruptly left us. I felt like he didn't have much motivation nor willpower to go on. He often told me whenever i was at home, that grandma is now resting at her CCK grave, while he was sleeping alone on their shared bed. He would often talk to grandma's bunny plushie, and smoothened the plushie's skirt as he put it in place beside his pillow everytime before he fell asleep. Sometimes, he'd watch TV and then occasionally, i'd catch a small drop of tear running down his cheek. I tried to accompany him as much as i could, however, no matter how much he loves me, and however much i love him, we have to accept that i can never replace grandma's position in his heart. He really missed her a great deal. And that was when the cancer progression started going downhill. The PSA kept rocketing, and before we knew it, the cancer was in his bones and lungs. But still, we tried to keep him happy, we brought him to places he loves, and we bought him foods he loves to eat.


All these went on for several months. Somehow, the doctors didn't mention other alternatives in treating the cancer, and he was given the normal jabs.

I was going to go for my graduation trip in Taiwan for a month. Keith and i wanted to go walk around all the natural places in Taiwan, and i really wanted a slower pace of life before i embark on the working routine. Before i left, grandpa cried a bit. He told me he'd miss me when i go. Initially, both of us were feeling really uneasy, like should we go? But, we assured grandpa that we were gonna rush on the next plane home if the need arise.

Whilst travelling along the tofu cape in Su'ao, i received a message from mom telling me that grandpa had been admitted into the hospital- he suddenly had an undetected internal bleeding, and his blood count was going too low, that he needed to have a blood transfusion asap. I was so shocked by the news, i mean, none of us were expecting this. Keith and i went home shortly. Opposed to the one month i was supposed to stay in Taiwan, we went home after 6 days.

Upon landing, we grabbed our baggages and went to the hospital. There, i saw my grandpa, and he looked so weak, my heart sank. We bought him his favourite sweets from taiwan, and luckily, he still managed to recognise us and talked to us.

Doctors discharged him the following day. He told us to mentally prepare ourselves, and that, grandpa would pass away any time. The stipulated duration of his remaining lifespan was about 5 days.

Ah gong held on much longer than that. He really is a fighter. He held on for close to a month before he went. It happened at 430am on 3rd July. I was beside him when he departed. I didn't sleep that night, sitting by his bed the entire night with Keith, we were watching 21 jump street until 330am. After a while, i told Keith to go to bed, and that i'd go to bed shortly. Then at 430am, i heard grandpa struggling really hard for breath, and suddenly his heart stopped altogether. At that moment, i didn't know to feel sad that my grandpa is gone forever, or the fact that he had let go, and is no longer struggling so much anymore.

The heartbreaking emotions set in 15 minutes after he left us, and i hid behind my wardrobe and cried my eyes out. Keith was just beside me. He didn't stop me, he just let me, all the while sitting quietly beside me.

Both of my grandparents are gone. I miss them so so terribly. Having them is like a once in a lifetime thing, and i am so glad i have this once in a lifetime experience that lasted 22.5 years. They really taught me a great deal. I find myself more empathetic to the elderly, more sensitive to their emotions, and more understanding to their needs compared to friends of the same age. Hell, i visited hospitals so often because of their mishaps ( falls, stroke, therapies, fractures, operations and such), TTSH is like a second home to me. I'm really thankful i had them. Although the pain now is really immense, but i'll give myself some time. During this time, i'll let myself wallow in memories of them and myself, and let myself cry to my heart's content. Drink if i must, and just, let me take my time. Someday, i promise to look back on their memories without crying, and hopefully, be able to smile that i've had such enjoyable times with them (':

Also, i promise to work really hard, to be a really good primary school teacher. I'm not too sure how much of that is going to be achieved, but i will really try my best. This is my promise to them, and also a conviction of mine. I will make it.

I attended Yuan Xin's convocation yesterday. It was a happy thing, that we are all seeing each other graduate from university. But, this tugged a huge load on my heartstrings. I wonder if i will go for mine; Grandpa and Keith already planned to go together, and he even asked Keith to push him in his wheelchair. Now, he is no longer able to come... I don't know if i should go still..

I'll give myself time to ponder on that as well.

Time, right now, time is all i have, and all i need.

On another note, Thank you to Keith. Without your understanding, i wouldn't have been able to spend Ah gong's remaining days so happily with him. Thanks for also taking care of grandpa with me, thanks for getting along so well with both of my grandparents. I really appreciate it. Most of all, thanks for all the times you've given me strength, whether in silence, in hugs, or in words, i'm deeply indebted to you.

I love you <3 p="">

So right now.. a great deal of time.. strangely, i titled this post as "of the end". The end, which is the end of both my grandparents' lives, the end of me being a grandchild..


ironically, all these mentioned ends, will never end.

Hey blog,
I guess it's been a really long time. i wonder why im even blogging anymore. but i guess i need to take my mind off stuffs, now and then. Anyway, i've been blogging here for a really long time now, since secondary school, and i am really glad i started this blog. Even though no one actually blogs nowadays, but really, this blog collects a huge load of memories from probably the most "yolo" part of my life.

Continuing from my previous post- actually, not really continuing. After that last post, something terrible happened. It was such a terrible and tragic thing, i am still so badly torn apart every single time i think of it.

My grandmother passed away.


It happened really abruptly. I couldnt even prepare for it, like, i wasnt able to mentally, as well as emotionally gear myself for it. It just happened. Her heart failed her while she was sleeping at night. I guess, on a brighter note, she passed away peacefully (i'd like to believe that).

She wasn't able to wait for me to graduate from university. She wasn't able to watch my brother enlist.

As if things weren't heart-wrenching enough, my grandfather started losing the battle with his stage 4 prostate cancer. He must have probably felt really lonely after grandma passed on.

I didnt finish my graduation trip in taiwan with keith ( we planned for so long and was supposed to stay there for a month, but we came home after 6 days). We weren't able to enjoy with grandpa in this stage.

I'm typing this post as he sleeps beside me. He is really weak now, probably he cannot even talk, and is even starting to forget me. it pains me a great deal, afterall, he loves me most, and so do i. sometimes i cry myself to sleep at night, watching him fall from grace is ripping my heart into a million shreds. i know, i know. it is part and parcel and such, but, i am about to lose my grandpa, after my grandma.. it seems so..

i dont know.

i've been running a lot to take my minds off stuffs. Ran everyday and my knees are starting to hurt real bad. I wish i could rewind, but then again, rewind to what? This end is inevitable.

I wish grandpa will be happy.

I wish they are both proud of me, because i am trying to go towards what they want me to be- a teacher..

i'll blog again soon. my thoughts are so fragmented right now..

byebyee 

Hey, it has been a really long time once again. It's December, the last month of the year. Time really flies. But before i continue on what i think i should be blogging about today, i think i'll continue on the previous post which i had stopped so abruptly for some god forsaken reason. Anyway, yeah, it'd been a few months since that last post, and i felt like the hypochondriac in me seem to have quietened down a little. Anyway, my health is not that bad now, but, i won't call it exactly good either. About a month ago, i found out that i actually have this problem with my jaw, called temporamandibular joint disorder. Apparently, i had some kind of a derangement, whereby a piece of cartilage in the joint actually slipped out from it's original position in my jaw. And so i cant really open my mouth wide now. Hmm, i had a minor surgery a couple of weeks back. It hurt like crazy, mad crazy. I felt like i could cry even as i type this. I doubt that surgery actually help, because i still feel the pain in my jaw, albeit the fact that it is kind of lessening. Besides, i was a tad towards the anemic side, and considering the fact that i am not exactly a meat lover kind of a person, i couldnt really do anything about it other than forcing myself to eat foods rich in iron as well as the infamous pig liver (which i really really really really dislike)


I guess i am much better now.

So getting back to today's post. I guess i'll blog about love. Since a long time ago, we have come to realize that there is no definition of love. It is relative, it takes many forms, and most of the times, we can't explain what it is. What is love to me? Up till today, i still do not know. Maybe i do, but i am so scared of my own definition that i dont feel like admitting to it. I believe that my definition of love is Keith. Because i really really do, love him, i mean. This is the first relationship whereby i feel like it is so different, maybe because i am older now, presumably more matured, and maybe wise. I dont know.But all i know is, Keith makes me happy because he loves me. I know he does. Not because he takes me out on fancy dates ( we actually dont usually go on fancy dates. The thing is, we are both kinda average or what i'd call frugal, we dont think splurging on food and trends are really our kind of thing) or because he says the sweetest things ( the fact is he doesnt. And maybe that's why im blogging today) but just because, when we are together, i feel like i can be brave about myself. The kinds of things i like, dislike, the side of me that i am afraid of showing to other people, fearing they would reject me and such. I feel like he just sews the parts of my life together so intricately, those little holes and gaps here and there are magically falling into place together. I feel complete.

It's like i don't feel imperfect anymore.


He makes me feel like i dont have to be like them others size 2 girls in order to be pretty for him. I can just be me, the size 8 girl and can still eat whatever i like without starving myself so i can squeeze myself into a size 2 dress. I am actually comfortable with myself even when im with him.

And thats the most important part right? I wonder if i ever ever make him feel that way too, because he doesnt tells me things, i won't know..... although i hope i have.


I mean, i am a girl.. although sometimes even i can't tell if my personality fits that of a guy or a girl, but emotionally, i fling towards the girlish aspect. Like other girls, i like it when my boyfriend cares for me, makes me feel like im more important to him than anything else, tells me sweet things even though they make us both shy. Like other girls, i do like it when my boyfriend gets jealous of other guys approaching us and such.. Anything short of those usually makes us feel like they dont love us. Something like that....

So im just feeling really down now. Keith is away in taiwan, he's there for Aiesec volunteering. And i am here in singapore. He's been there for 3 weeks plus already, and will be home in another 2 weeks. But thats not why im sad. i mean the distance of course makes me feel lonely, but thats not why im sad.

Before Keith, my mom actually had this talk with me. I remember her telling me that i am soft hearted in nature, and that is bad, because that is probably the scariest weakness in life. I dont mind being a soft-hearted person, i mean, i have been like this for so long i can't even remember when ive started being like that, but it's never bothered me in any way. Just, mom reminded me gently that i should not love too much in a relationship. I can fall in love, that's perfectly fine, but i can't let myself fall so deep that i can never ever climb up from my fall if i ever do hit rock bottom. She sounded so logical i was convinced.

But things dont usually go the way people want them to be. Sometimes Murphy comes along and screws you up. I thought i could do that, you know, fall in love with keith but at the same time, prevent myself from tearing all my walls down so i wouldnt be so vulnerable. I couldnt. I begin to love, and before i knew it, i have loved him so much, and now still do. And thats what hurts me the most i guess. Loving someone too much and knowing that the person may not love you as much as you love them. It happens, since life is unfair, what you give may not equate to what you receive in return. Like how i feel Keith is one of the greatest priorities in my life. I may be one of his too, but the saddest truth is, i dont know. Because he doesnt really know how to make me feel that way. that i am important to him, that he will crumble just like i will if we ever decide to leave each other. And thats why i am sad.

I feel like it's my own fault, for letting myself be hurt. actually, it always is, my own fault for being hurt, because i let the hurt get me. I cant be like them guys, i cant be like keith, as though their hearts are shielded by a layer of steel so thick, they may get stabbed, but the impact never gets to them. I tell myself time and again that the best solution to this, is to stop caring so much, stop loving so much. But i can't. It could be due to the works of my soft-heartedness, but i really can't. Sometimes, i don't know if i am being too kind to the others, or too cruel to myself. i cannot distinguish. And i really would like to stop deciphering that out too, because thinking so much can kill. Some thoughts are so strong they can rip you apart inside out..

I dont know what to do. Teach me. I just want to be strong. To be able to comfort myself when i am down, and to be able to stand on my own two feet, use those feet to walk the world and learn things, use these hands to work and earn money, and use my eyes to see the beautiful places in the world. and of course, use my heart to love fearlessly in what i believe makes me happy. I dont know if i can do that, but someday i want to be able to stand up and go, go away from things or people that no longer make me happy, or are making me more sad than happy. I wanna be strong enough to be able to go away, to some where, i do not know where, i just want to go. A change of scenery may be nice. Remember Boston (the song)? Yea.



T_________________T (feeling really teary of late, like i can switch from zen mode to being on the brink of tears within seconds)


Anyway, i guess i have come to the end of my long winded and as usual, emo nemo blog post.

I realize once again, that 2013 is coming to an end, really fast. This year has been really full of ups and downs, kind of a lot of downs. I feel like i have been fighting a number of wars this year. I am terribly terribly exhausted. Please let the 2014 that comes along be nice.

My only resolution for 2014 is to be as healthy as i can, and to bring happiness and love, most importantly to myself first, and then also to the others. I want to start making myself the priority of my own life. I think i made this resolution last year, last last year and so on, But i have never really gotten round to doing it. I need to start.

Be brave, little girl! Have a heart of courage, and take a leap of faith. Usually the good (and also the bad) comes to those who dares to try.


See you soon, my dearest blog. Thank you for always allowing me to rant, come to think of it, you have been here for me since probably close to 10 years. Thank you so much. And may you be filled with many happy memories in 2014.

Cheers to both me and you (which is technically me)

Written on 30/12/2013
Eileen Loo Yi Zhen

Hey there. I presume this blog is kinda dead already. come to think of it, this blog has been with me since, i dont know when, probably when i was in secondary school? Hmmmm, i see i havent blogged anything about my summer in South Korea. Thats one of the greatest highlight of my life, i would say. On another note, i feel pretty free to type anything here i want, anything i feel, because i know this blog probably does not receive any sort of attention or whatnot, and i feel safe to pen down what is actually on this little but crowded mind of mine.

So yeah, from June 24-July 31, i was residing in south korea. Well, i went there for an exchange i would say. I felt really happy there, but dont judge me, it really isnt about the KPOP or the really huge commercialization seoul offers. It just feels really serene, being in a totally new place i have never been, being foreign to whatever is there, the places, the buses, the school, the food, and of course, the language. I don't know much about Korean language, but being there taught me to understand a little, such as greetings, food names (of course the food names, how much of a glutton i am, im sure you'd have figured out by now) It really was a whole new thing, independence on a whole new level. For someone like me, who depends a lot on Keith and my family, doing everything by myself was difficult. I learnt how to do my own laundry, it really was the first time in my life operating the washing machine on my own, and it was also the first time in my life, that i knew, a dryer actually existed. So, yeah, many first times, many new things. I probably would not have been able to finish describing how extraordinary and intriguing the entire process had been. I really am touched by all the hospitable people i have met, for all their help in guiding me to the nearest subway, to my dormitory, and to the student centre in the school. Also, for the friends that i have met from all over the world, thank you for forming those happy memories with me. I did not regret going on this, even though, initially i had a lot of , hmm, yeah, i had a lot of doubts before i went on the trip.

For one, i know i'm overly attached to my family, my boyfriend, so i thought and felt that i'd never make it on my own there, which made me feel really proud of myself, because i did it. I managed to do things by myself, i felt like ive grown up a little. Also, i feel there are my friends who went with me, who lived with me, jogged with me around the Seoul National U stadium against the blistering cold at night, who climbed mountains with me, shared all the different types of foods with me, and just, explored with me. I believed it really isnt about exploring the place too, in the end, i felt i did have a self exploring activity all the time i was there, and i learnt more about my own strengths and weaknesses.

Secondly, i had quite a number of issues, with my health i sposed. well, i discovered a lump in my right breast around april, and since then, i felt like i have changed. I became a different me. honestly, i still have not walked out of this, and i hope i will continue to be able to walk out of this soon. Well, after realizing that there was a lump in me, coupled with the fact that i am, this really inquisitive person, also with the close contact with biology and cancer everyday of my life when in school, i cant help but liberate that hypochondriac me. I started becoming really worried and paranoid about my health, every little pain in the body, i felt was a precursor to some deadly disease i was about to find out.

I was crazy.

I went to a few doctors, and i came to find out that it is because i am so overly concerned about my health that i began to develop the issue of anxiety. Basically, yes, i have anxiety issues. And the doctors did warn me that if it becomes any worse, i could fall into the hole of depression. So being the worrywart i have always been, i had so many of these fears. Fear of the health, fear of depression. It's like everything related and unrelated to me, becomes my worries.

It went so far,  to the extent that sometimes, i would wake up in the middle of the night and check if my family members were breathing while sleeping. I was this piece of mentally unstable person.


brb blog another day ! ciao ciao

Hello hello dear dear blog! I realised that i've actually been blogging here for like a couple of years already, and you know, i turned 21 already! i had my 21st birthday party located at costa sands, and initially i dreaded it because i had always been this worrywart, wondering if things would go wrong and stuffs like that, and as it got nearer, i began to feel frightened about having to become age 21. Yet, when that day arrived, everything seemed to be okay in the end.

Keith and i quarreled about something which i couldnt really remember (haha) on the night before my party, and it made me so upset, and i wanted to run away from my party and all, things happened in between that got the matter resolved. And i saw this really small boy side of Eggplant which made me feel so heartwrenching. Promise me it'll never happen again ya?

My cake was green and purple in colour, it was a brinjal colour-ed cake, and i wore this green psychedellic dress. I dont care if i didnt look good in it, i just felt happy that everything was what i wanted it to be. It was a lot of fun at the party, and i got drunk. And then i got Yihao drunk. It's so funny, the first time i saw yihao drunk was a year ago, on my birthday too, and this time, it was also on my birthday celebration that he got drunk. Haha, it was a whole load of fun, and i really felt so happy to be born, to be of age 21, standing in front of the cake, with a whole bunch of people who cared enough to attend my birthday party. i truly felt like the most blessed person alive.

And this is the year when im 21. and i made this really important decision to drop my course of chinese medicine. it's not that im faring badly in it, neither is it because i reallly really hated it. on the contrary, i really enjoyed internships, because i learnt so much more about the common diseases troubling the people, and i learnt much much more about so many things. it was just, i really couldnt see myself doing it, couldnt see myself being a physician, and honestly, i really didnt wanna do something in which i had half a cup of belief in. how can i be a physician if i cant even drink bitter chinese medicine, couldnt stand the smell of herbs, and just couldnt bear to insert the needles into someone else's body! and so, i dropped. this semester had been a pretty free one, i have only one exam to handle, actually i have 2, it's just the other one was SU-ed. Japanese. it was fun, albeit it being a little tough, but every lesson was enjoyable. i really love the japanese language. i think its beautifully fluent, hehe although i doubt i can bring the fluency in my speech when i use it.

Hmmm, we turned half. haha. i couldnt feel the passage of time at all, it's just, wow, we've been together for half a year already. time flies. i could still remember the day we got together, like it happened yesterday. I really want us to make it all the way till the end, i cannot picture myself with anyone else anymore, it just has to be You. all the silly things we did together, the things we said, the times we spent just walking around doing nothing, just, in love. let's always be like this, okay?

Im so thankful to be alive right now. I just wanna be healthy and happy, not just for myself, but also for the people around me who loves me.  i love my life, i love my family, i love my friends, and i love my boyfriend. nothing can make me exchange them for anything.

all of them are like, stars in my night sky (: