I guess it's normal. It should be. I still miss my grandparents every single day. I talk to them as though they are still alive sometimes. 

Hey blog, it's me again. Sighs, the emotional wreck in me is here again. Recently, i have been feeling so lethargic, so tired, as if no amount of sleep can bring me back to fairly energetic levels. And i've been trying to coop myself at home quite alot, like when Keith asked me to go out, i find myself looking for reasons to stay at home. I told him about it, not because of anything, but more importantly, i don't want him to feel like i don't wanna go out with him. I think it's just me. Being really selfish, rotten and ..

I think it's me, just wanting to stay in this house, revel in memories of my grandparents lest i forget them.. it's just me, leaving myself succumbed to the misery of loss..

i need to get better soon. i need to stop letting myself get too attached to this emotion. I need to know that this feeling of pain hurts every fucking big deal, and i have to get away from it.

Time, why does time seem to pass so slowly?

I'm gonna go out today. Keith asked me out for cycling. I am gonna go cycle happily, and try to lock some emotions in this tiny cage found in the deepest corner of the heart.

Go Eileen Go!

Hey, i've began to blog a little more frequently once again. And of course, it is to take my mind off stuffs again. After the previous post, something terrible happened again. Well, this time round, i had prepared myself for it little by little.

My grandfather passed away.

I don't know how i should even type this, it hurts me so much. It's been 6 days since he departed, and every night, i cry myself to sleep still. Like i mentioned before, my grandfather originally had stage 4 prostate cancer since last november. We discovered it after he accidentally fell down after having a haircut at one of his friend's salon. When the doctors first diagnosed him, we were told not to worry as prostate cancer is generally one of the slower-spreading type, and the doctors also gave him jabs every 3 months to help curb the spread.

All was going good, the PSA (indicator of how much the prostate cancer had spread) was going down from a couple of thousands to about 300 (still relatively higher than that of normal males whose levels often ranges below the 100 mark). It seemed like the cancer was controlled quite well.

However, all these changed after grandma abruptly left us. I felt like he didn't have much motivation nor willpower to go on. He often told me whenever i was at home, that grandma is now resting at her CCK grave, while he was sleeping alone on their shared bed. He would often talk to grandma's bunny plushie, and smoothened the plushie's skirt as he put it in place beside his pillow everytime before he fell asleep. Sometimes, he'd watch TV and then occasionally, i'd catch a small drop of tear running down his cheek. I tried to accompany him as much as i could, however, no matter how much he loves me, and however much i love him, we have to accept that i can never replace grandma's position in his heart. He really missed her a great deal. And that was when the cancer progression started going downhill. The PSA kept rocketing, and before we knew it, the cancer was in his bones and lungs. But still, we tried to keep him happy, we brought him to places he loves, and we bought him foods he loves to eat.


All these went on for several months. Somehow, the doctors didn't mention other alternatives in treating the cancer, and he was given the normal jabs.

I was going to go for my graduation trip in Taiwan for a month. Keith and i wanted to go walk around all the natural places in Taiwan, and i really wanted a slower pace of life before i embark on the working routine. Before i left, grandpa cried a bit. He told me he'd miss me when i go. Initially, both of us were feeling really uneasy, like should we go? But, we assured grandpa that we were gonna rush on the next plane home if the need arise.

Whilst travelling along the tofu cape in Su'ao, i received a message from mom telling me that grandpa had been admitted into the hospital- he suddenly had an undetected internal bleeding, and his blood count was going too low, that he needed to have a blood transfusion asap. I was so shocked by the news, i mean, none of us were expecting this. Keith and i went home shortly. Opposed to the one month i was supposed to stay in Taiwan, we went home after 6 days.

Upon landing, we grabbed our baggages and went to the hospital. There, i saw my grandpa, and he looked so weak, my heart sank. We bought him his favourite sweets from taiwan, and luckily, he still managed to recognise us and talked to us.

Doctors discharged him the following day. He told us to mentally prepare ourselves, and that, grandpa would pass away any time. The stipulated duration of his remaining lifespan was about 5 days.

Ah gong held on much longer than that. He really is a fighter. He held on for close to a month before he went. It happened at 430am on 3rd July. I was beside him when he departed. I didn't sleep that night, sitting by his bed the entire night with Keith, we were watching 21 jump street until 330am. After a while, i told Keith to go to bed, and that i'd go to bed shortly. Then at 430am, i heard grandpa struggling really hard for breath, and suddenly his heart stopped altogether. At that moment, i didn't know to feel sad that my grandpa is gone forever, or the fact that he had let go, and is no longer struggling so much anymore.

The heartbreaking emotions set in 15 minutes after he left us, and i hid behind my wardrobe and cried my eyes out. Keith was just beside me. He didn't stop me, he just let me, all the while sitting quietly beside me.

Both of my grandparents are gone. I miss them so so terribly. Having them is like a once in a lifetime thing, and i am so glad i have this once in a lifetime experience that lasted 22.5 years. They really taught me a great deal. I find myself more empathetic to the elderly, more sensitive to their emotions, and more understanding to their needs compared to friends of the same age. Hell, i visited hospitals so often because of their mishaps ( falls, stroke, therapies, fractures, operations and such), TTSH is like a second home to me. I'm really thankful i had them. Although the pain now is really immense, but i'll give myself some time. During this time, i'll let myself wallow in memories of them and myself, and let myself cry to my heart's content. Drink if i must, and just, let me take my time. Someday, i promise to look back on their memories without crying, and hopefully, be able to smile that i've had such enjoyable times with them (':

Also, i promise to work really hard, to be a really good primary school teacher. I'm not too sure how much of that is going to be achieved, but i will really try my best. This is my promise to them, and also a conviction of mine. I will make it.

I attended Yuan Xin's convocation yesterday. It was a happy thing, that we are all seeing each other graduate from university. But, this tugged a huge load on my heartstrings. I wonder if i will go for mine; Grandpa and Keith already planned to go together, and he even asked Keith to push him in his wheelchair. Now, he is no longer able to come... I don't know if i should go still..

I'll give myself time to ponder on that as well.

Time, right now, time is all i have, and all i need.

On another note, Thank you to Keith. Without your understanding, i wouldn't have been able to spend Ah gong's remaining days so happily with him. Thanks for also taking care of grandpa with me, thanks for getting along so well with both of my grandparents. I really appreciate it. Most of all, thanks for all the times you've given me strength, whether in silence, in hugs, or in words, i'm deeply indebted to you.

I love you <3 p="">

So right now.. a great deal of time.. strangely, i titled this post as "of the end". The end, which is the end of both my grandparents' lives, the end of me being a grandchild..


ironically, all these mentioned ends, will never end.