Hey, it has been a really long time once again. It's December, the last month of the year. Time really flies. But before i continue on what i think i should be blogging about today, i think i'll continue on the previous post which i had stopped so abruptly for some god forsaken reason. Anyway, yeah, it'd been a few months since that last post, and i felt like the hypochondriac in me seem to have quietened down a little. Anyway, my health is not that bad now, but, i won't call it exactly good either. About a month ago, i found out that i actually have this problem with my jaw, called temporamandibular joint disorder. Apparently, i had some kind of a derangement, whereby a piece of cartilage in the joint actually slipped out from it's original position in my jaw. And so i cant really open my mouth wide now. Hmm, i had a minor surgery a couple of weeks back. It hurt like crazy, mad crazy. I felt like i could cry even as i type this. I doubt that surgery actually help, because i still feel the pain in my jaw, albeit the fact that it is kind of lessening. Besides, i was a tad towards the anemic side, and considering the fact that i am not exactly a meat lover kind of a person, i couldnt really do anything about it other than forcing myself to eat foods rich in iron as well as the infamous pig liver (which i really really really really dislike)


I guess i am much better now.

So getting back to today's post. I guess i'll blog about love. Since a long time ago, we have come to realize that there is no definition of love. It is relative, it takes many forms, and most of the times, we can't explain what it is. What is love to me? Up till today, i still do not know. Maybe i do, but i am so scared of my own definition that i dont feel like admitting to it. I believe that my definition of love is Keith. Because i really really do, love him, i mean. This is the first relationship whereby i feel like it is so different, maybe because i am older now, presumably more matured, and maybe wise. I dont know.But all i know is, Keith makes me happy because he loves me. I know he does. Not because he takes me out on fancy dates ( we actually dont usually go on fancy dates. The thing is, we are both kinda average or what i'd call frugal, we dont think splurging on food and trends are really our kind of thing) or because he says the sweetest things ( the fact is he doesnt. And maybe that's why im blogging today) but just because, when we are together, i feel like i can be brave about myself. The kinds of things i like, dislike, the side of me that i am afraid of showing to other people, fearing they would reject me and such. I feel like he just sews the parts of my life together so intricately, those little holes and gaps here and there are magically falling into place together. I feel complete.

It's like i don't feel imperfect anymore.


He makes me feel like i dont have to be like them others size 2 girls in order to be pretty for him. I can just be me, the size 8 girl and can still eat whatever i like without starving myself so i can squeeze myself into a size 2 dress. I am actually comfortable with myself even when im with him.

And thats the most important part right? I wonder if i ever ever make him feel that way too, because he doesnt tells me things, i won't know..... although i hope i have.


I mean, i am a girl.. although sometimes even i can't tell if my personality fits that of a guy or a girl, but emotionally, i fling towards the girlish aspect. Like other girls, i like it when my boyfriend cares for me, makes me feel like im more important to him than anything else, tells me sweet things even though they make us both shy. Like other girls, i do like it when my boyfriend gets jealous of other guys approaching us and such.. Anything short of those usually makes us feel like they dont love us. Something like that....

So im just feeling really down now. Keith is away in taiwan, he's there for Aiesec volunteering. And i am here in singapore. He's been there for 3 weeks plus already, and will be home in another 2 weeks. But thats not why im sad. i mean the distance of course makes me feel lonely, but thats not why im sad.

Before Keith, my mom actually had this talk with me. I remember her telling me that i am soft hearted in nature, and that is bad, because that is probably the scariest weakness in life. I dont mind being a soft-hearted person, i mean, i have been like this for so long i can't even remember when ive started being like that, but it's never bothered me in any way. Just, mom reminded me gently that i should not love too much in a relationship. I can fall in love, that's perfectly fine, but i can't let myself fall so deep that i can never ever climb up from my fall if i ever do hit rock bottom. She sounded so logical i was convinced.

But things dont usually go the way people want them to be. Sometimes Murphy comes along and screws you up. I thought i could do that, you know, fall in love with keith but at the same time, prevent myself from tearing all my walls down so i wouldnt be so vulnerable. I couldnt. I begin to love, and before i knew it, i have loved him so much, and now still do. And thats what hurts me the most i guess. Loving someone too much and knowing that the person may not love you as much as you love them. It happens, since life is unfair, what you give may not equate to what you receive in return. Like how i feel Keith is one of the greatest priorities in my life. I may be one of his too, but the saddest truth is, i dont know. Because he doesnt really know how to make me feel that way. that i am important to him, that he will crumble just like i will if we ever decide to leave each other. And thats why i am sad.

I feel like it's my own fault, for letting myself be hurt. actually, it always is, my own fault for being hurt, because i let the hurt get me. I cant be like them guys, i cant be like keith, as though their hearts are shielded by a layer of steel so thick, they may get stabbed, but the impact never gets to them. I tell myself time and again that the best solution to this, is to stop caring so much, stop loving so much. But i can't. It could be due to the works of my soft-heartedness, but i really can't. Sometimes, i don't know if i am being too kind to the others, or too cruel to myself. i cannot distinguish. And i really would like to stop deciphering that out too, because thinking so much can kill. Some thoughts are so strong they can rip you apart inside out..

I dont know what to do. Teach me. I just want to be strong. To be able to comfort myself when i am down, and to be able to stand on my own two feet, use those feet to walk the world and learn things, use these hands to work and earn money, and use my eyes to see the beautiful places in the world. and of course, use my heart to love fearlessly in what i believe makes me happy. I dont know if i can do that, but someday i want to be able to stand up and go, go away from things or people that no longer make me happy, or are making me more sad than happy. I wanna be strong enough to be able to go away, to some where, i do not know where, i just want to go. A change of scenery may be nice. Remember Boston (the song)? Yea.



T_________________T (feeling really teary of late, like i can switch from zen mode to being on the brink of tears within seconds)


Anyway, i guess i have come to the end of my long winded and as usual, emo nemo blog post.

I realize once again, that 2013 is coming to an end, really fast. This year has been really full of ups and downs, kind of a lot of downs. I feel like i have been fighting a number of wars this year. I am terribly terribly exhausted. Please let the 2014 that comes along be nice.

My only resolution for 2014 is to be as healthy as i can, and to bring happiness and love, most importantly to myself first, and then also to the others. I want to start making myself the priority of my own life. I think i made this resolution last year, last last year and so on, But i have never really gotten round to doing it. I need to start.

Be brave, little girl! Have a heart of courage, and take a leap of faith. Usually the good (and also the bad) comes to those who dares to try.


See you soon, my dearest blog. Thank you for always allowing me to rant, come to think of it, you have been here for me since probably close to 10 years. Thank you so much. And may you be filled with many happy memories in 2014.

Cheers to both me and you (which is technically me)

Written on 30/12/2013
Eileen Loo Yi Zhen