I'm tired. Yes this is another post about tired. Hai. I also don't know why I'm so tired. I think I'm feeling pretty under the weather. My head hurts and I just keep wanting to sleep.


The entire funeral ended. It was tragically sad and I miss her. I doubt I have make myself come round the fact that she is gone. Somewhere a part of me believes she's still somewhere here on earth: and I rather it be that way.

Hai I'm so tired. Mostly tired of doing things I don't wanna do. The bomb was thrown to me yet again. Midterms next week. How on earth am I gonna do it? I have no idea. All I know is I am not gonna give up. I know myself too well, I'll push myself to my limits just so I can finish studying.. I will try my best. I promised aunt that I'll study hard and not let her down. So I will.


And I still have to go and teach tuition later. My mind feels like its rupturing.


The heartless mind and the mindless heart

It hurts.
Losing aunt hurts. It is so painful.
I wish there is no such thing as cancer

I wish mom dad gramps Gavin Sherralyn and everyone else didn't have to go through all these.

I wish they didn't cry.


I wish aunt is still here.
I miss you aunt I wish you're here

I woke up to a call from Gavin. It was a terrible call bearing terrible news.

Aunt is not going to make it.

We rushed down. I couldn't remember what happened. I only remember reaching the hospital, and seeing my cousin's crying face. Something bad.


I rushed in. She looked so much worser than how she looked previously. She wasn't like this yesterday. She wasn't. She told me to buy her a papaya yesterday. How elated I was to hear that she wanted to eat. I bought her papaya and papaya juice and remember feeding them to her and could remember hearing her tell me so many things. Could remember her saying that I'm a good girl. And I watched her sleep and I left, I didn't know that would be the last time I'd hear her talk to me.


Dear aunt you fought hard. The whole process is difficult, but you're so brave.

I'm really proud of you.


I promise to be a good girl, I'll study hard and I'll make boyboy and meimei study hard too.
Ill always remember you as the noisy loud and carefree aunt.


You will be okay soon. The tubes are out. It will all be over soon. You won't feel pain anymore. You will be safe.


I'll always love you.

Sometimes you want that way for others but it's something you can't do if others want the same of you.

Isn't that the natural human nature kinda thing? Like say you expect someone to hand over his candy to you just because you said you want it doesn't mean you'll hand yours to him if he wants the same thing of you, right?

We are all selfish, but I hope I'm being selfish in a selfless kind of way. I know you don't see where I'm coming from, but I hope you'll let me, not because you don't care about me but because you recognize my efforts to improve myself. Maybe you won't agree with the method, but at least let me know you can see that I'm trying and tell me you'll help me overcome it.


I have too many things in my mind right now. My aunt, you being sick, my studies, my tuition assignment, your cousin, my health ... The list seems Neverending

为什么为了小事就要掉眼泪
好像有太多的事只能自己背



I don't feel tired. I'm too busy to be tired. I know you're very understanding of late, being there for me all the time when I'm so emotionally caught up with everything about my aunt. I can't help it. I'd do anything to get her back prim and proper in life it hurts so much to see someone so perfectly healthy so ravaged by disease even visiting her once or twice a day can't seem to make me stop the buckets of tears in the heart.


I know, I know all that.
Its precisely because I've seen her suffer so much that I realize that the most important thing is health. Because of you, I want to live longer and live healthy so that we can enjoy life together happily and I won't be a burden to you as well, so I've been trying my best to eat all my meals and I hope youve seen those efforts. And you have no idea how worried I am when I hear you're unwell and feel you feverish. I'm scared. I don't wanna lose anyone to anything ever again, and I'll try my best to protect all those around me.

And because I wanna be healthy; any actions that threaten my health immediately puts me to an awareness that I'll try not to do that again to render that kind of actions so I'll put extra caution and all.


I don't know how to say it. I'm not made for nice flowery words. I can only nag and be straight to the point. I'm bad at hiding it when I'm concerned and I suck at holding back my tears. But all of these, they are the truest of me that I bare to you in the hope that you'll try to embrace them. I hope you can understand that my speech is my way of concern and that I don't really know how to hide it when I'm upset so it shows all over my face.

I'm sorry.



I wish all these is just a bad dream of some sort and that none of this is happening. Or that this is just another one parallel world and I am actually just stopping by to survey this parallel world while I actually belong to another parallel universe where I'm happily holding your hands talking to a healthy you, my aunt is happily nagging to her son about studies and everything is just so much greener.


But that's only a wish. I need to wake up my idea



Iloveyou, there's no space to love another.

I'm missing you
Girl even though you're right here by my side
Cause lately it seems
The distance between us is growing too wide

I'm so afraid that you're saying it's over
The last thing that I wanna hear

But if your heart's not in it for real
Please don't try to fake what you don't feel
If love's already gone
It's not fair to lead me on
Cause I would give the whole world for you
Anything you ask of me I'd do
But I won't ask you to stay
I'd rather walk away
If your heart's not in it

You say that you love me
But baby sometimes
You're just saying the words
If you've got somethin' to tell me
Don't keep it inside
Let it be heard

I'm so afraid that you're saying it's over
Girl I'll make it easy for you

But if your heart's not in it for real
Please don't try to fake what you don't feel
If love's already gone
It's not fair to lead me on
Cause I would give the whole world for you
Anything you ask of me I'd do
But I won't ask you to stay
I'd rather walk away
If your heart's not in it

How I wish I could take us back in time
But it's gone too far now we can't rewind (And there's nothing that I can do
To stop me losin' you)
I can't make you change your mind (If your heart's not in it)

But if your heart's not in it for real
Please don't try to fake what you don't feel
If love's already gone
It's not fair to lead me on
Cause I would give the whole world for you
Anything you ask of me I'd do
But I won't ask you to stay
I'd rather walk away
If your heart's not in it




Haha I don't know why this westlife song is stuck in my head, rather, I kept listening to it for like 293739102733 times.


But I won't ask you to stay... I rather walk away, if your heart's not in it..


Haha.

我一直在思考
让你了解我的好
却忘了
常常对你微笑
失去的忘记的
我会尽力去弥补
你是我最珍贵的财富.




I don't know how to take care of myself very well, nor do I know how to take care of others. I'm bad at these, but I try too, sometimes I just cant do it. But it's not like I want myself to be unhealthy. Nobody knows anyway.


It's been like that since secondary school. Old habits die hard, ah Nevermind.


I'm not gonna post some emo nemo thing. I don't know. I accidentally deleted a happy post that was in the blog and now I'm quite upset. Okay it's no big deal. I'm going to go sleep.


Goodnight.
I miss you more than anything.