it is true, it is difficult, it is difficult to understand your pain, because it is not something i have felt before, and it is true, that admitting my pain to you, may make you think of me as a frivolous coward, but what is this feeling? it makes me feel like, i will rather die than concede this defeat, and you know, everyone makes mistakes, it is nothing to be ashamed of, and i wont let this mistake go to waste, i'll smile as i walk, and i'll take a break if it rains, and then let the wind decide where i should go today.

Even if im not gonna succeed in winning this battle, even if i fail so badly that i can't make it to a University, i'll just stop at the fingerpost, and think of where i'll go again then, it is not difficult, right?

I can forget the embarrassment, forget this failure, and forget the labels i have to carry, because i think thats what growing up really means, right?

Labels: this is the curry of life.

I dont believe myself, i dont even know why i cried when watching naruto shippuden episode 120 about how kakashi got his sharingan. I think its just one maelstrom of emotions coming down at me, and i think its best i let it out because i dont really wanna bottle them. And i really love kakashi, he is just so..

i cant find any words to describe him, and suddenly all i keep wishing for, is to be teleported to the naruto world where only shinobi exist, and where all i do is study about ninja and skills and jutsu and chakra.

it makes me feel so much better.

then i see the books, and i know its never gonna be possible.

have been ill for 3 days, mom said i really shouldnt have forced myself to go to school yesterday, but i didnt wanna miss the tests so i had forced myself to go, i'm tired and my head hurts.

Yes, happiness is being simply, with my family, and it makes me feel like there's no care in the world.

except shinobi and chakra and jutsu, and KAKASHI.

Labels: Sharingan Kakashi.

I got this from deviantart, i really love the artist's ideas, they're really creative.

Anyway, i didnt go to school today, and i went home early yesterday. i was feeling so unwell, i practically slept through the entire chemistry lecture with my head on the small small table. I knew i had to go home, and once i hit home, i slept till evening, wehre i still felt super drowsy. Fever. and a cold. and a sorethroat. told you they're a package.

There's stll so much that i havent done, and i feel like running away.

But yihao says that before i find the 82 years of happiness- which may turn out to be a holy grail, i should find the happyness of finding it.

I still feel damn tired, and my head still hurts.

And i decided not to go for NY dinner and dance due to some reasons.
head hurts.

Labels: you''re still the one man

Going strong, Eileen?
You better, because you can die along the way and all you do all these while will just be fruitless.

Keep going, even when you are tired, and even when you cant see your family much.

Everyone else is in this too.

Really really sad, frustrated and stressed. i think i must try to find all the tiny bits of positivity in things i am doing, otherwise, all these are meaningless. I will look forward to the sunshine after the rain.

If, when you're hurt in school, and nobody stands up for you, what will you do?

Labels: goodbye to you

Will you be nice to people, because you are hypocritical? you want to be loved by them, and that is why you are nice to them. Correct me if i am wrong, but i wanna let you people know, that there really are too many things that i feel are happening. Maybe i'm not the outgoing kind of person, i belong to the kind who really stick to my own circle of friends, and refuse to interact with people i have come to realise as 'fake'. Why am i saying all these? I know most of all will always regard our secondary school friends as the best we've ever met, and those people will forever be the ones who we will feel we spent the halcyon days of our lives with, i do agree. I feel that o8o2 are full of people who are fake. Yes i am direct, and i try to stay away from them as much as i can. I dont like it, to mix with people who are only concerned about themselves, and try to project themselves as cool at the expense of the others. I do not understand why they wanna do these. Speaking ill of your fellow classmates, laughing at her, telling others about her private and personal thoughts which she had found herself confiding in you, you betrayed that fucking trust? I dont know why you're like this. If you wanna assimilate into the others, do it based on your own abilities, be who you are, and don't be what i'd call a perfect specie of a humbug, its hypocritical, i abhor it. you are supposed to be the friend she recognises and who she confides in, and yet, you actually exploited her innocence just because you wanted to be the nosey parker of the century, you wanted to use her just so you have the chance to blend into the group you'll never belong. What is the fucking meaning of your life?

I'm not doing this solely because Anna's hurt by you, i'm also doing this for myself too. I'm speaking up, here. It hurts me to be quiet when all i really wanna do is to scream into your face and tell you to scram the hell out of my life. But you're in my class, and it is impossible for me to not see your stupid face. Does it make anyone happy, to see someone, who has been struggling to keep up their veneer, their happy masks, break down because of your extreme insensitivity. How much longer can i tolerate the class, before i burst, is another questionable thing. You can say the class may not tolerate me too, true, most of the times i'm quiet in class, but don't exploit it, don;t neglect my silence. You, the people, the 0802 people, who have robbed me of my speech, don't be surprised if one day i come shouting and yelling. I always prided myself on the innate skill to let myself be ruled by my emotions rather than reason. i dont believe in living a life based solely on reasons, rather, i like myself to live because of how i feel i want it to be, it may not be something anyone will consider as good, i admit, but you know what? i like myself that way. Yet, i don't speak up even when i feel upset or angry, and when these happen, i tell rasina, and i have the urge to punish myself for being so cowardly that i behave like a recluse for the entire day.

People of 0802, besides my m-sters friends, anna and some others, you guys, are really fake. i have to say this. Msters, i may pull you into my puddle of trubble if i write what i feel here, but there is no use being fake, trying to be nice, or being hypocritical. I hate the attitude and behaviour of the 0802 people, and that is one reason why i will never come to love you guys, and that is the reason why i will never come to have a class that will really be bonded. I dont really give a damn either. Right now i'm just furious, and i just wanna say how i feel. I may hurt people in this post, i know, but if this post is intended to you, then maybe, why don't you stop being the asshole you are right now, and use your brains to think and do some reflections? It won't hurt you to be a little pensive, right?

Marven, when anna was criticised today by your so called friends, do you not feel the need to fight for her privacy? She is our pw mate, do you still remember? You make me feel uber disappointed in you, i cant exactly look up to you right now, do you know? that yemin, the guy who always wanna pick a fight with anna and i, actually cares, actually even consoled anna when she cried. How can you, marven? How could you? Disappointment, do you know how heavy this feels?

Others in the class, and especially the someone i wanted to name here, but i was told not to, i hate you. do you know? how much i wish you can just shut up and live your life peacefully? how much peaceful and serene my life will be, without your constant and incessant yakking? I seriously feel the need to turn away from you whenever you give that fucked up smile and starts opening your mouth to talk. you're a loser. You often make excuses for all the tests you fail, and you never seem to know your mistake. Can you please reflect?

I wish all these can stop. I wish not to take A levels anymore, i totally regret. I want to stop. My head hurts, really really hurts already. and i tell myself, its because i push myself to think so hard, i force myself so much, for what am i doing all these? I wish my thinking wouldn't be so naive, i know im not alone but really, i dont want to do this. Yes, i am foolish.

In school i wish not to put on silly smiles and lumber through life as though i am not affected by anything, the hypocrisy i see, the constant competition, the betrayals i feel every single time, and the many embarrassments i feel because i'm not up to standard. I wish to just retreat, be a recluse, and stop all the idiotic grins. i tell myself it is a part and parcel of my life, and i tell myself to get over it, but i cant seem to pick myself up from where i fall, how, how to climb out of your pitfalls with optimism?

And in times like this, i wish i have You. You, who used to make me feel like i am cared for, i need all of it now, because my family seems to be getting distant, further and further away from me. Mom dad where are you guys? I feel damn tired, and i really, really, dont care about my grades anymore. Is this called giving up?

Today, during lectures, a friend asked me something personal, and after replying, i began to reminisce about the happy moments in my life, and i was really reminded of things i used to have, and of things i dont have right now. People who have walked into my life, and have left just as abruptly as they came. I wish for you to be there, to again live those happiest days of my life, and then i became quite upset. It had nothing to do with any hormonal shit, trust me. And i told Jingchun, i always talk to him, and say silly things. Yet he doesnt mind. Thank you so much, you always make me feel less silly you know, if you dont, i hope you know now. You're one of the best people i've ever met in my life, and you always seem to save me somehow. Thank you (:


I am at a loss for words. suddenly, i just want to sit down and not do anything, but why do i keep remembering the echoes in my head, telling me, its just 7 more weeks to prelims, and 12 more weeks to A's/

Dont tell me all these, its weighing down my veins, and they're thinning out, they're snapping...


Ennui

Labels: Ennui

" Love is like my wings. When you abandoned me, i can only fall two thousand feet from the sky."

Labels: Are you trying to ascertain my determination to love you?

my head is ruined, im a nutcase, there's many things jammed up in my head, i feel like im exploding, and then i ask all over again



why is it like this.

Labels: .

back again, after so long.

exams are really boring, studying and studying, and i slept less than 3 hours per day.

thats why, fatigue, and then fever.
waste money, waste time, waste fun.

Zzzz.

oh, i really think so too, that things are never quite as scary when you have a best friend.
maybe this round of exams, i will not do well, but it is okay, because i felt like i totally breezed through it, like the days past so fast, even though i really screwed chemistry and math up.

Because rasina uh.

kamsahamidah for all the times you woke me up and we met on cyber for fun and chats. we did so many things together, studying with you for literature was great, it was just so nice. We had bread i took from my home, for lunch, and we sat on the slide and just chatted and chewed and laughed. You make exams feel less scary, more tolerable.

because you are you, i dont have to fake. and because i dont have to fake, i am me.
you make me, me just because you are you.

sarang heyo (:


continue to be the light in my life okay, and you promise we'll go to korea together when we grow up.

and you know what?

FIGHTING, GIRL. FIGHTING!! (:

Labels: rasinafarvin.