My life changed since this day.



Actually, i was smiling kinda radiantly here. I feel so proud of this smile.




My parents and my sister- grats sister, you graduated.

I still have a fucked up loser-ish way to go, and i dont wanna begin that single step to bring me across the thousand miles. loser loser loser.

these silly little wounds will never mend
i feel so far from where i am
so i go, and i will not be back here again,
im gone as the day is fading

i wanna tell myself to give up on maths, but i know i won't. Been consecutively flunking my lecture tests, and this is one lecture test on maths i didnt wanna fail, really badly. Because i missed these lectures on complex while i was attending to my grandmother's funeral proceeding, i had told myself i wanna do well for this topic so i won't... so i won't let her down. Seriously, im such a letdown. you all dont know it thats all.

I am not smart, even though Alex always says i am, i am not. I feel really.. down about it. You can laugh at me, and i can laugh together with you, but after maths, i completely died. Truthfully, i didnt wanna laugh. i didnt wanna joke. But i dont wanna show my sadness.

Hey, i am really sad. This was a promise to someone i love, yet i flunk it, i broke it. This really goes beyond the marks, it really is about me keeping a promise, and wanting so badly to fulfill it so i wanna let her beam at me far away from heaven. i feel like a loser.

I really really dont think i have a plum in onigiri eileen.

i am lost and down.
and i really dont wanna let anyone see me so weak.

Especially in JC, when majority of the people are so.. hypocritical.
I just wanna wallow in this misery.

I'll try to walk out of it soon, but even if i dont, i dont wanna be led out of it.
I'll do it myself.

Labels: how do you sleep?

Suppose we're to play a game, ' Fruit Basket,' and players will be named after fruits.
You - pear.
you- appple.
You- strawberry

and so it goes on..

and then when it comes to you, they said.
you- onigiri. (riceball)

and subsequently, names of fruits are being called to join the game. Strawberry, pear... and everyone's called. Except for the onigiri, who's just sitting there, waiting patiently for hers to be called.

Except, it'll never be.

Outsider

And suppose, we are all onigiris. And we never know, that we have our own plums inserted in our backs- we dont know, and we constantly envy others, wow, how nice their plums are. I see plums in others, and yes, it feels hurting when you dont even know you actually have a plum, and yes, it does feel hurting because you've always seen yourself ugly, inside and out.

Someday, suppose i am an onigiri, i wish for someone to tell me how nice my plum is, and tell me i'm beautiful.

):

a few more days, few more days, i don't know how i should feel.
Exhausting myself out with work only makes me feel more hollow, and i told no one except mr jiraiya* ( none of you will know this person anyway, except for me ) .

For some reason i do not know, his consolation makes me feel better at times, maybe because i've never really looked at things from his point of view, maybe, or maybe because it is indeed some comfort, some solace, some truth i've confessed, some facades off.

i dont mind being a rice ball, it is okay, maybe i'll never belong to that basket of fruits, but maybe, i'm not even supposed to be there. Maybe i still dont see my plum, if you see mine, will you tell me?

Labels: It's empty.

Because he couldnt get them, he declared all grapes sour in the entire world /
Because he couldnt smell them, he proclaimed all roses void of fragrance and ridden with pungence/
Because he couldnt love her, he complained of her lack of choice and the emptiness of her heart/
And because, all because, he couldnt live the same type of life, he whined of the unfairness and biasness, while at the same time, shunning himself from people around him.


Look on the bright side. For all the things i cannot do, i smile. And for all the things i can do, i smile wider.
(:

NY volleyball teams are great, they put up great games and the girls' team won. The guys' team, i cant say it is bad, because it isn't. Though they didnt manage to clinch the championship, i felt proud of them in a way. (:

Blogging is less frequent now, i rather spend time crying over great ex than try to think of something to blog.


Nights.

Labels: daffodils and camillias

Photos long overdue, for some.


Thanks to the juniors who put up sucha sweet farewell ):


Jiayen's elmo! warped colours!



When i'm sad, i do this.

PUGI JIAYEN AND PUGI EILEEN. >:D


Currently addicted to: kristy are you doing okay, by The Offspring.

Life- no updates, monotonous mugging for math and biology.

Oh, i had a great pugi outing last weekend.
Awesome, takes my mind, and heart off certain throbbing issues (:

Ciao.

Labels: fighting dreamers.

I was super pissed on monday, and today. This is all because of damned pugilistic. About why Gavin told me there's a list when there isn't, and about why mdm tan is frequently a source of pressure to make me turn up even when i'm sick. And about how he told jianbo i didnt like the tee design, and jianbo messaging me asking me why i didnt like it when i had actually told jianbo the day before monday, that i find it quite nice. Except gavin was the one who said there's no orange, and i told him i didnt mind orange. If that even equates to disliking, or even stronger word: hating the design. Damn damn.

I slept the entire of tuesday away, my cold was terrible, and i was having bad headaches. mom told me i have to monitor my temperature well because 37.3 is kinda close to a 37.6 and i should take more rest, i know i know.

And today is the second time in my whole life, when i actually absentmindedly went to the shower with my clothes on. My hairband still on, and i thought of my grandmother, and suddenly became a mess on the bathroom floor as i wailed my heart out. Because i had remembered her then, and had remembered everything she had said to me, her last words to me being a thank you, for i had been with her even though she couldnt speak.

I still remember the first time had taken a shower with my clothes on- when joseph and i had broken up.

But this time, the pain is immensely huge, it stabs through my heart and it is impossible to recover. Someone told me that nobody can help me other than myself, and someone said that i'd actually allow myself to wallow in this sorrow and pain willingly. I want to remember my grandmother for life.

Because i love her, and because i am sure that someday, when i'm six feet under, i'll want those walking in the sunshine, to remember me too, but not in a tearful way.

I must be strong, physically and mentally.


Thank you to pugilistic for the card, i really felt touched (:

Labels: For heavens know we need never be ashamed of our tears

Labels: pretty