This song depicts it all.
i guess you dont reap what you sow after all.
dont lie dont lie.






Rooster-Staring at the sun
Daylight on my shoulder
Makes me feel alive
You kept me standing in your shadow
And it's a cold cold place to hide
I'm running away from this messed up place
I'm breaking free, yeah yeah
I'm tired of staring at the sun
Can't stand the way you burn my eyes so I can't see
Stealing every breath I breathe
You push me into overdrive
And I don't need this kind of light coz now I'm done
You took everything while I was staring at the sun
I know you won't let me
But just turn and walk away
I'm tired of when you kick me around
Trying to kill my dreams and break me down
But I won't hang around
I'm running away from this messed up place
I'm breaking free, yeah yeah
I'm tired of staring at the sun
Can't stand the way you burn my eyes so I can't see
Stealing every breath I breathe
You push me into overdrive
And I don't need this kind of light coz now I'm done
You took everything while I was staring at the sun
I was staring at the sun
Rooster-staring at the sun
Daylight on my shoulder
I know its time to run
Yes I know its time to run
I'm tired of staring at the sun
Can't stand the way you burn my eyes so I can't see
Stealing every breath I breathe (stealing every breath I breathe)
You push me into overdrive
And I don't need this kind of light coz now I'm done
You took everything while I was staring at the sun
Yeah, yeah staring at the sun
You took everything while I was staring at the sun.


Take all of me, away too because all these are strangling me alive.


understand me.
dont leave me alone.

Pugilistic Society.
I never knew what made me join it. I remember the day when i first put my name down for it, the first senior who was ever so nice to me, who gave me a yupi candy, who subsequently became the first senior i was close to - Terrypuppy. Terrypuppy who took 22 home with us despite the fact that it wasn't convenient for him, who walked me back to my house and then how we joked of where i had stayed like under that bush and what i eat for a living. terrypuppy who is so good in basketball, and who became a confidant.

In the CCA, i did many things i never consider myself to ever do, or be capable of doing. It's like, i am weak, yes i am, but i was always pushed to my maximum potential. Then, the rest of the 29th batch members fell in.

And then i was introduced to the president of pugilistic- keeyong. He appeared strict at first, and i was so scared, my mind filled with all sorts of insecurities like, what if i cant do this, and so on, you know how paranoia feeds on fears and insecurities. But keeyong's like a durian, he's soft on the inside though he looks fierce. And he really is the best president of all times, and he's really capable too.

Then the others- tongpei- the boy who at first wanted to go to poly, and that was the first time i came to know of him, who shared the same passion of anime, and who was the drummer for the batch, with his own written 'scores' and i was flabbergasted by those scores he wrote which i didnt understand.

Jieyang- the mega joker, who taught us the gun qiu yun dong, who i was first amazed by because of his outstanding split. And how he always made fun of jiaolian, and how his face always turned red almost as immediately and how red an apple it looked like.

Thats about the seniors i am close to, the others, i do know them, it's just i rarely talked to them, and they're all gone now. I'll never regret that day when i signed up for this CCA, the time lost to pugilistic, which i dont wanna reconcile.

Yesterday marked the end of 1 year in pugilistic i guess, the last performance- college day. I remember a year back, on the same fateful day, was college day too, and how we wore a different set of costumes, and how confused i had looked, while trying to play the cymbals. Yes, i am never good enough for big things in pugi, nevertheless, i've got encouragements from people in there that can last more than a lifetime. We wore yellow yesterday, the first time, luminous, bright.

It was a nostalgic day, and we saw the seniors who came back to get their award for doing well. I feel so proud of them, because they really deserve the credit. Yesterday felt like, everything's gonna end and a whole load of memories flooded my mind, i am sure the other J2s felt it too, for there was this heavy sense of solemn-ness in the air, and despite the fact that i had shrugged it off and played along with the J1s, cracking jokes, and be an immature kid, i had felt this entire maelstrom of emotions rushing at me. The many fun times we had, and it made me think so much yesterday. Pugilistic, will end for me soon, because it's still a few more weeks to go, and then? end of pugilistic for me.

Then i realised why i joined pugilistic- because i had told myself i wanted to try something new instead of sticking to my own convention, instead of being a Coward. Although i hadn't suddenly became a professional at the lions or what, i did learn alot of different skills, and i guess that is all that matters. And ellene is right, there is a time to get together, and a time to separate. It's just that separating is so much more difficult, and maybe we'll deal with it, and maybe we won't.

And tongpei, i understand now, even if it's just a fragment, a little bit, i understand now, the fellowship, the togetherness in pugilistic.

Maybe i've grown up, with broader perspectives (not the book) , maybe i've known it all along, but just too confused to acknowledge it, but whatever it is, it was a great CCA, and i know, i know it, i am meant to be here, where i am.

There's a pretty picture, we made it, but it's now time to leave this picture, wonder if we can ever find courage to step out of it.

Labels: it ends tonight.

20 April 2009 1344
" Hey mom, you know the poetry i spent so long doing? the teacher said i copied it from critics, i felt so accused you know, how? ): "

20 April 2009 1346
" Nevermind, your conscience is clear okay, mom knows it."

How hard it was to hold back the tears, and i failed badly.
It really sucks to cry in school. But i didnt let no one see it, so yeah, i dont know how to face the world with puffy eyes.

You can say that i am bad at chinese, and if i were to submit a fluent chinese essay, please doubt me. How could anyone doubt the fact that i am capable of submitting a clear, fluent english analysis, you're definitely insulting me. I know i have the ability to do it.

You put me down with such mean words teacher. How, how could you?
And to think i thought you're sophisticated and all. You're a disappointment.

School's bad everything is fucked up.

Labels: When im with you - faber drive

you know how i wish to live like those in the anime, like, inuyasha or something. Then we can go slay demons and collect sacred jewel shards. It seems like a crazy world in there, and i wish i had lived there. My world is boring, and i found out what i lack in myself and that is spontaneity. I was such a spontaneous person last time, like, doing impromptu stuffs, and just going with my feelings rather than time. Time had never been a burden until i came to JC. There i lost my flow and everything. Tied down by insignificant things called studies. Naruto's world is crazy too, i can be a ninja and throw shrurikens, then concentrate all the chakra on my heart instead of my mind and have all the fun in life. Then i can learn many jutsus and live with copy ninja kakashi. *swoons*

Yeah all these are like so ridiculous and incredulous, not possible in this world.

but ...

Argggg life is terrible.
i cant wait for this year to get over as soon as possible then, i know everything will be alright again.

Then i can waste my days wandering around taking beautiful and spontaneous photos, doing things i wouldnt wanna waste my time doing these days.
Boy i know they'll be fun.









And inuyasha and kagome really got together in the end, i read the ending of the manga.
(but i skipped the portions in between because i'll read them when i have Time.)

So so happy.

Labels: (: how can i feel so much for anime

Today i felt angry after watching the play during assembly. The play's all about love and boy girl relationships. The play evoked so much emotions from within me that i found myself just feeling angry for not being strong enough to withstand the unlocking of the box of memories that i clearly told myself i would prevent myself from doing.

I got so mad. I refused to have lunch, which i dont know why i didnt, though i could feel the pain in my tummy, i just didnt wanna eat. Probably, plain indolence play a major role as well.

The play was a total opposite to what i had felt while i was with you. It wasn't what they described it or acted it out to be. Ours was a beautiful relationship that didnt last, yes yes paradoxically. I dont know man, i mean, i know, but i dont know how to put it here.

Lets just say i thought of you today.


P.S. i have to redo my entire napfa even though i passed all the stations. I had to redo because i sprained my leg the other time, and they want me to Redo Every Single Station Again. MHolyCow. They should just go home and chew grass.

Labels: and i'll never take it for granted, lets go.

Labels: Inuyasha.

Labels: la la la.

Hey,
I got back my PW results today, and i got an A. My entire group got an A, although we didnt get to find out what Z-win got since he left his studies in singapore, and went back home to malaysia. But it was a huge thank you to him too, because he played a part in us succeeding Together (:

Through the entire last year, we had quarreled at times just to get our points across. We had stubbornly held on to the project of Coco Chanel even when it was deemed the worst one in the entire class. We had done so much together, for all the hard work we put in, the many hours sacrificed, and the infuriating tears shed, we did it.

Anna, Marven, Yemin, Z-win, and myself, just so you all know, we are POPPINS' and we're happy to be together as a group. Thank you PW mates.


And i feel really sorry and bad for those fellow school mates and friends who have not met their expectations for PW. Dont fret, i am sure you guys will do well in the other subjects yeah (:


never give up.

Labels: POPPINS'

Hey. i feel infuriated, and trapped by my own thoughts. firstly, i'll like to say that i think i am gonna wanna let go of this person in my life. that person, i dont even think i know him/her at all. I just dont wanna try to get to know him/her anymore. Tired of all the shows. Besides, i dont even know if i have known him/her in the first place. I confided in mommy about this, and she told me a few valuable stuffs that i'll keep close to my heart. I won't share them here, but you guys probably have heard of them before anyway, moms are all the same. Recently, i feel like i've become someone who doesnt care about what people say of me, i dont really like to joke that much anymore, adn i dont care if i actually feel belonged to anyway. i just wanna study hard. i try to stay awake in classes and lectures, and i tried to attempt tutorials even when they deemed so challenging i feel so exasperated. Maybe i have changed, but mom said, maybe i've been like this all the time. Because the girl she sees at home always is so engrossed in her studies, so i actually have this side of me in me all the time, it is probably that i dont manifest that in school, and for what reasons i do not know of. And i have decided that there is no point trying to make myself speak chinese in school already, since chinese a levels is now over, i miss being the eileen of damai secondary school. Miss talking to rasina in english all the time, miss sitting right at the corner of the classroom near the door, miss being responsible for switching the lights on and off when teachers use the projector, miss feeling the sense of belonging to the NE garden, the NE room, and to the NE ambassadors. At least all these gave me a sense of belonging. this is getting a tad too nostalgic, but yeah i really love to ramble on. Haniffa will understand, because we belonged to 4E1! damn damn damn, confided in Rasina just now, and it felt so great becauser all along. i only have one best and one true friend, and thats her. It is like she knows what i wanna ay even when i havent said them at all, and she is just as mad at me. But we get serious together, and we do work seriously, together. Those were the big fat legs days girl. Anyway, i have thought alot, i always have, and i witnessed my growth, my maturity, just yesterday. I won't use any incidents to support that, but i know myself, i have. I no longer wanna kid around, i just wanna study, yes, although i still question the inevitable thought of why i am studying so hard when i ain;t really interested, i just wanna push that though aside, i have gotten some motivation, and i wanna show this special person that i will not disappoint him, and will not make him waver his faith or trust in me.

Despite all the setbacks, it's really time to stand up against all these shit and get life going, get myself out of the lazy couch and be serious. Mr Adrian Tan said there's only 32 weeks to A levels, and someone told me that there is no point getting scared or panicky oer it because it will come, and i just gotta start studying for it. now. Enlightened, definitely. And hey, something random, last week's literature lessonon great ex was really fun, seriously, it really made me laugh so much, especially when i rarely feel myself laugh that hard these days. Haniffa, bitch partners yo!


On a Totally RANDOM note, these days have been ridiculously warm. The heat is unbearably irritating, and i wonder, is it, that people are getting so freaked over spontaneous combustions that they make themselves fart so so much, releasing all that methane in addition to the cows' contributions, causing the depletion of our precious ozone layer!

Fart in moderation people, im not saying that its good to keep your farts in- you may just combust if you build up so much of that methane in your tummies, but come on, fart in Moderation.


Goodnight.

Labels: does it speaks of love?

Hey.


i have stuffs to say but i kinda.

just be that sunflower.

Labels: i heard that sound

Labels: i'll always be here, will you?

I'll call this the china cola experiment with beloved yuans!


#1 suck in a deep breath,



#2 Drink it!



#3 Yeah~~~~


okay lame.
Anyway yeah taken in china.

these days have been bad, i won't say why, i know why, and i felt like have been walking on a fragment of thin ice, any moment, i might just topple off and end up in somewhere called paradise. I'm too about to lose nowadays, always wanting to take the easy way out.

what exactly am i afraid of, i dont know. maybe i am afraid of what is growing within me. a feeling.

Yihao, you'll try and help me remind me of the boundaries right!? Thanks so much.


And we can baby, we can do the one night stand

Labels: a matter of time