these few days have been tough, so so tough for me. I discovered my weak side, i cried, and i prayed.

My grandmother, i dont know if she can make it. The adults wont reveal much to me, they think i dont have to know, but i sort of knew, and i am scared, so so scared. I wish, i pray, grandmother, please have the strength to fight this, please dont leave me.

I am just so scared, nobody can understand this fear, and people just keep telling me to concentrate on my block tests, but i just cant. I want to fail all of them, all of my block tests, so that i will feel better, instead of feeling guilty of those times spent mugging when i should be spending them with my grandmother.


Please give me a miracle.
I dont know what else i can do other than cry, crying for the smiles on her face, which i really hope to see once again.


Eileen has gotta be strong.

Labels: i wish it were simpler

The Show - Lenka

LYRICS:

I'm just a little bit caught in the middle
Life is a maze and love is a riddle
I don't know where to go I can't do it alone I've tried
And I don't know why

Slow it down
Make it stop
Or else my heart is going to pop
'Cause it's too much
Yeah, it's a lot
To be something I'm not

I'm a fool
Out of love
'Cause I just can't get enough

I'm just a little bit caught in the middle
Life is a maze and love is a riddle
I don't know where to go I can't do it alone I've tried
And I don't know why

I'm just a little girl lost in the moment
I'm so scared but I don't show it
I can't figure it out
It's bringing me down I know
I've got to let it go
And just enjoy the show

The sun is hot
In the sky
Just like a giant spotlight
The people follow the sign
And synchronize in time
It's a joke
Nobody knows
They've got a ticket to that show
Yeah

I'm just a little bit caught in the middle
Life is a maze and love is a riddle
I dont know where to go I can't do it alone I've tried
And I don't know why

I'm just a little girl lost in the moment
I'm so scared but I don't show it
I can't figure it out
It's bringing me down I know
I've got to let it go
And just enjoy the show

Just enjoy the show

I'm just a little bit caught in the middle
Life is a maze and love is a riddle
I dont know where to go I can't do it alone I've tried
And I don't know why

I'm just a little girl lost in the moment
I'm so scared but I don't show it
I can't figure it out
It's bringing me down I know
I've got to let it go
And just enjoy the show

dum de dum
dudum de dum

Just enjoy the show

dum de dum
dudum de dum

Just enjoy the show

I want my money back
I want my money back
I want my money back
Just enjoy the show

I want my money back
I want my money back
I want my money back
Just enjoy the show



I love this song.
Anyway, i am feeling kinda worried, not about the block tests, but because my maternal grandmother just gt admitted into a hospital, tan tock seng hospital, why is it always the same hospital that my old folks go to! That hospital is so nostalgic, those memories. Yeah, anyway, i cant find the mood to study for the block tests, im just kinda scared for her. Oh no.

And block tests begin tomorrow.

Labels: a melting snowman i was told

Apparently i am here again.

I just wanna say that:

I AM HAPPY!


& i have a secret, uhhhhhhmmmm.

bye!

I havent been talking to my family members nowadays, and i feel so sad about it. They are my family, and we live in the same home. They work so much that by the time they come home, i am asleep, and by the time i wake up, they are asleep. We never really get to see each other, i study and sleep all the time, and they work and sleep.

I confided in tianseng about this too, and he cheered me up!

We just dont speak to each other anymore, and this is really sad, especially when my exams are coming, and i really need their motivation like always ):

I miss my mom and i miss my dad.
I havent spoke to them ever since Valentine Day! that is like so long ago considering the fact that i speak to them every single day. Nowadays, i dont even get the chance to say goodnight.

I even had to call my mom at the office to just to try and talk to her, and then tell her how nice her dinner was, i remembered i even cried because i couldnt talk to them.

Exams are coming, block tests i mean. And it is of course stressful, just hope that i can pass and continue in J2 rather than going back to J1.

And i apologised to Ellene a few days ago, because i was enlightened by Jieyang's stupid words of wisdom. And i am glad i did apologise, because she is leaving for Poly, which is quite sad since Pugi will lose a funny member like her. She is our QM you know! Anyway, yup, i learnt some stuffs through this conflict in pugi, and i am glad i did the thing i am supposed to do.

I gotta go now, i didnt go to school today, i was too sleepy i couldnt wake up!

And i miss mrs Huang's consultation, damnnnnnn.


Bye!


Good luck for the block tests, for i can predict myself not coming here to blog for the nxt week ):

Labels: love them all.

I thought yesterday would be a boring valentine day, until i went out to meet up with Gavn, Peiyan, and Ziguang. We did many nice things, and it will be a valentine day that i will never forget. I love it when we were playing in the Arcade, shooting the basketballs into the hoops, and just laughing. I love it how we sat in KFC and just chatted without ordering the oily chicken. I love it how we moved on to Starbucks and had our frappes. How we suddenly suggested going for a movie, and ended up in E hub watching The Curious Case of Benjamin Button at 0030. And how we dragged our tired selves into a cab, and to home sweet home.

I reached home at around 0345, dragged my tired legs out of the jeans and threw on some shorts and a tank before climbing into my safe and cosy bed.

It really was an awesome Valentine Day, and i love you guys.

Benjamin Button- some may find it draggy and boring, but for some reason, when i was watching it, i could feel myself feeling. Feelng sad, feeling scared. Benjamin button, ohmygod, it was a nice movie, and i cried! Brad Pitt was whoooooooo~

Anyway, i gotta go now, i am just so tired! Wasted my day again today, and i wonder when i will find the strength to start mugging for the block tests, sighs.

Daisy: Would you still love me if I were old and saggy?
Benjamin Button: Would you still love me if I were young and had acne? When I'm afraid of what's under the bed? Or if I end up wetting the bed?

Benjamin, we're meant to lose the people we love. How else would we know how important they are to us?

Labels: And I think, right there and then, she realized none of us is perfect forever.

Valentine's Day today!
I dont have a date, and i didnt go out! My siblings are are all out, except myself, the only thing i did today was to bring a small little toddler out to the playground to play at the slides, buying her apple juice and cookies.

I remember last year's Valentine, where i was with Tianseng, and yeah, i was working, and he brought me his valentine day present for me. I cant remember how it is like to have a date on this same day, but actually, it doesnt matter. Valentine Day is just too over commercialised!

Pictures.

Tomorrow will be Valentine's Day! And got a rose, a pink rose to be exact. It is from the guys from OSLE, or the hunks of OSLE to the babes, as quoted from the message (: Thanks people, though i really am not into roses, i only love Sunflowers, haha.

You know, today i quarrelled with Gavin over something as stupid as whether is he lying over some stuffs that he told me, because i really thought i wanna know the truth. It turns out that i had misunderstood him, and probably the same for him too, so yeah, everything is settled, and yeah, thats about it. And i dont really wanna care about who is speaking what, i guess, i cant really find out, and i dont even know what i am looking for.

The truths are up to people to interpret, and the lies are there for people to discover. I dont really wanna lose something, or someone important, to something as shitty as lies. Yes, i abhor liars, because i have been brought up strictly by my family, to not be one. I always remember the canings i received whenever i wanna lie about something, the hurtful words my dad would hurl at me if he discovered that i had lied. So, i dont really lie about things, and i mean it, i swear it upon my heart, upon my life, that i haven't lied a single bit about anything related to schoolwork, or CCA. I mean it.

I can predict that Gavin, Ellene, and others, maybe Tongpei, had read the previous post. It really is how and what i feel, and if you feel that i am 'shooting' you, what can i do? If those mere words of the heart had pricked you, what do you think i should do? My friend said," why dont you go private?" I dont want to go private. I just wanna say what i feel.


Anyway lets stop talking about that stupid subject and that stupid stupid, aiyah nevermind. Tomorrow is Valentines, and i should be happy that i go a rose! (:

My health has been snowballing down the hill. Today i was having my dinner when my tummy hurt like mad, and i wanted to go over and tell my mom when i ended up lying on the floor, and falling asleep. Kinda nonsensical right haha.

I love it when i have the time to see and talk to my mom and dad because boy, i love them.

Bye now, a happy valentines to all (:


Rasina, i miss you like Crazy!
This was like taken when i was a JC1, wow, i have matured (:


The pink rose.



Actually, it looks kinda nice (:

Thanks to the OSLE guys, goodbye!

Labels: how else would we know how important they are to us?

Hmmm, i havent blogged for a very long time right. Anyway, days have been passing really fast! You know, with those truckloads of homework, and the fear of the block tests. I am indeed stressed, but then for some really weird reason, i feel really happy these days. I think lesser, fall asleep much faster, and dance my way home to the songs played on my mp3. I enjoy being a wanton, a simpleton, and a singleton. Speaking of which, Valentine's Day is just round the corner!

J1s are invading the exclusiveness of the J2s, the feeling of having the entire school to just the J2s alone is lost, and those noisy J1s are really getting on my nerves. Yet, i was so nice to them during the CCA bazaar yesterday! Lol, so hypocritival right? No choice, really have to get more people to join us! Yesterday, i really felt that the pugilistic members and alumni (jieyang and weiliang) really worked very very tremendously hard to get people, and we managed to get 44 names, although, obviously, we know that some people just put their names down to patronize us, but it was really satisfying to get at least a double digit (:

I also wanna say that i miss China. Lol, very very random i know. It's just, although the meat there has got this pork smell which makes me refrain from eating it, and stick to vegetarian, and although the toilets there are horrible, i just wanna sit down somewhere on a piece of dusty road and just watch the scenery. Over there in the village, there is almost always, this complete serenity which i can never get here in singapore. What a pity.

Block tests coming block tests coming!!! I feel scared just thinking about my future, because i havent thought of what i wanna do after A levels. I envy those who already have their roads laid out, and you know, they just run and catch up with their dreams. I dont know what i wanna do, but inspite of that, it doesnt matter if i have something to keep me going or not, i know i'll try my bestest and bestest, because thats what i am in a JC for right? I guess i am not the only stressed one out here, and so, to the J2s out there, JIAYOU! (:

You know, recently, for some weird reasons, i have stopped thinking of the past, of love and what it is made up of. For some reason, i dont find myself thinking of the guy who i felt sad over last year or what, because there is no point, and really man, i am a happier person. Suddenly, i dont see the point on being sad over it anymore, for, i dont know, i really dont, but as long as i have lips and teeth, i will smile rather than cry.

I have only got two hands,
and i'll never learn to dance,

But i am just contented with that haha (:

One thing thats really bad is my health. Taking a toll on me. the stupid gastric. i wish i didnt get it, i wish i ate my meals on time last time, because now i really really regret it.

good day to all (:

Oh, actually i have some stuffs about pugilistic to type here. It's about the recent conflict, i dont know if i should even say anything because it is the vice president getting angry at his members. I dont know what to do, i do feel some sort of, sometimes i like going to pugi, and most of the times, i dont. Most of the times when i go, i just stay quiet, because i dont know what to say to the rest of the people. First up, i feel very suffocated there sometimes, because sometimes, i feel that what i see and what i hear is just so completely different. I am scared to adapt to a new point of view as this person, when i have seen him/her in that light for so long. It's like, you see this person as someone who is nice you know, someone who is different but nice and fun to be with. Then someone splashes you with this idea that the particular someone has just betrayed you, and you feel really shocked. Thats what happened to me, and when i dont show it, it just doesnt make me a hypocrite, it just makes me a weakling, because i wanna just ask him/her you know, why this happened and such, but i never have the courage to. I will learn to be the anything type. I will learn to be like weiliang/jieyang. Because they are the real happy ones.

I'll never do anything that will make me sad or mad or angry again. Whatever that happens, i will take it as lightly as a pinch of salt. Because noboy has ever heard what i wanna say, nobody has ever taken me seriously, and nobody has ever wana hear my part of the story, so thats it. I searched my conscience today, and i am glad i found it.
Goodbye.

Lies and lies and lies.
All those fucking lies.

Labels: Infinitely true (:

Sometimes when people are given too many chances, they tend to keep believing in that one and only last chance that they keep believing they will have.
And most times, these people end up losing what's so very dear and important to them.

Hello.

I feel like starting a post. my type of post.

Sometimes i feel helpess. I feel like i am trying so hard, so so hard to just keep my grades the way they are right now. I feel like i am doing my best, and when people around me puts me down, i feel so uncared for, and so neglected. As though i have been shoved off the edge of earth and left to drown in the black abyss called Universe. This is, definitely, a childish feeling which i obviously cant seem to shake off. And when you feel neglected, you feel like the entire world has wronged you. You feel this perplexing confusion, this frowning frustration, and this apocalyptic anger, and the popular "why" floats right up to the top of your mind and leaves you hanging by that one question. Hanging on a thread. And i try my best to keep my sanity, and the virtuous patience which i doubt i have but i try to think i have sometimes, and i get more confused and frustrated because i just cant seem to retain them.

You constantly try to explore the way people act, and why they think of you in that manner. You try to suss them out, try to decipher them, but to no avail. The confusion just keeps piling on, like layers of dust to be swept away, and all you require is that one broom that can rid your mind of all that dirt and leaves some space to plant new seeds and watch them grow in your mind again.

I guess thinking really is an activity that gives me great headaches. Now and then, i try to come up with my own conclusions as to why people like you, behave like that, talk like that, feel like that. Maybe it really is the immense difference, no two can ever be the perfect same peas, thats probably why i can never figure out. Or another conviction is that i am just plain stupid. But i do question myself, yet again,even when i have figured you out, how do i feel for you, what are you to me, and have i ever been someone you want in your life. What exactly am i trying to get the answer to, i dont have a clue either. I just know this, that is, i am looking for the figure of importance in me life, and this, i know why.

Anyway, i'll end that entire questionings and all the rar rar blah blah that has been swirling in my mind since forever. I have just found out that i have got gastric flu, which explains for the pangs of pains in my tummy now and then. I guess it really is difficult to recover, unless i make it a point to eat on time, and to take medication. I hate medicine ; Do i sound like a childish kid? Cant help it when the medicine taste that Awful.

Recently, it had been a busy week, and i foresee continuous weeks of busy days. IIronically, these busy days seem to take away most of my thoughts. With the lethargy, it just makes it so difficult to keep up with my thoughts, i fell asleep the moment i shut my eyes. Yet, i feel happy, as though my days are being lived, to the Fullest.

Goodnight.

Labels: Forever and ever

You know, the way they said to us, it is okay, it is safe to do this.
Just plunge forward, and if you all need help, we will be there.
We plunged, tried our best against those storms.
And just as soon as we turned our backs, they turned their backs on us.
They left, left us in the chompy waters.
We prayed, and we struggled on, until we saw Help.
They left us all, in the deep omnimous waters, and we, the helpless beings, you know, we really stopped believing in you and your friends anymore.
All those things you all said, running through my head, tearing at my heart. I pulled the damn red thing out, the stopwatch of life, and watched myself smile as i squeezed it, forming beneath my feet, a river dyed red.

Hi all. Do not bother about the above. Anyway, i'll like to wish vishalini a happy birthday today~ We gave her a small celebration, and well, i cant describe much here, but i hope she enjoyed it! (:

Today, pugilistic went out to Singapore Press Holding for a drum performance. We took the lorry out again, and it was fun! We also wore funny outfits this time, sleeveless, grey, blue, and well, i cant describe it but i like how i look in it (:

The performance: I didnt know how well we did, but i could feel myself improving from last time because i could hear my own voive screaming! Yeah, i am grateful to pikachu aka Jieyang for helping us out once again. Seriously, Jieyang and Weiliang are the two senior who i really look up to because they mean what they said, you know, last time, when every senior said, " I'll be there to help you all if pugilistic needs us!" But they didnt, only jieyang and weiliang did. Maybe its because the rest of the seniors are in NS.

Jieyang also jokes. And people thinks he is not serious all the time. But you're so wrong! He looks so serious when he was doing the drum, and seeing him like that made me a tad more confident. Since he is our leader, i kept looking at him during the performance, and he actually looked really cool and, you know, the dashing and handsome feeling. Lol. This is only for that time when he is playng the drum okay.

And people always laughs at weiliang, sometimes, myself included. Weiliang is such a comical figure, since everyone bullies him all the time. But he is really nice, and both of them always takes leave to come and help us out!

I love sitting on the lorry and feel the wind slapping my face. It really is a rejuvenating feeling, and i hope that the J1 will join us too, so that we will have more people, and we can do other things, and take the lorry again!

Oh yeah, i just kept thinking of this super embarrassing scene in the ladies. We were changing outside the cubicles, Jiayan and i. Then Gavin shouted at me from the outside, he called my name so loudly i got so scared i rushed out to ask him what, and i didnt realise i was only wearing the top of my pugi outfit, which actually appears like a dress since it covers 3/4 of my thighs. I wasnt wearing anything on the inside! I rushed out, to the center between the gents and the ladies. And i was so super duper embarrassed because at that same time, jieyang was on his way to the gents. He saw me, and laughed awkwardly, and i had to apologise and run back into the ladies, wishing that i can hide my face in the toiletbowl.

Grrrr so embarrassing!!!!
I hope he doesnt sees this, and i hope he wont remember that incident!
Forget forget~


Something happy today?
After GP, MSTERS were walking out to the gate when leechia, sher and i saw mr chee playing tennis in the courts! I was so happy i screamed! And he told us to jiayou on our maths. Aww man, he is such a nice teacher, i wish he's now back in Nanyang..

Mrs Wong is good, she teaches well, i love the way she teached, but you know, i cant help missing mr chee okay! Time heals (:

Okay, i have to go now, i have to do integration! I spent my time sleeping just now that i forgot all about integration!
Grrrrrrrrr goodbye!

And happy birthday smurfs aka vishalini mummy&granny!

So happy so happy so happy today.
In the midst of all the business.
^ ^

I feel super duper sad. Today, after maths test, i left school at 10a.m. i am feeling so unwell, and i did feel unwell. I couldnt even think properly during the math test, i think i will flunk it but i really cant be bothered.

I reached home, and found myself in a chaotic scene. I had to play mommy to karyn,i had to fetch a crying toddler from Nursery, bribed her with Yakult to prevent her from wailing, and bring her to my uncle's house. For a very simple purpose.

His wife is gonna leave him. She's gonna fly back to Thailand with her daughter, and leave my uncle behind. All because she has condemned him to the crime of infidelity, which i do not doubt because i have sen some hussy clinging on to his arm when i was working at AMK Hub.

I feel super sad, because i really dont want them to leave. I felt pissed when i went over to my uncle's house, because the relatives there, they are really idiotic. They are adding salt to the wounds, do you get it?

"... your wife very smart one, only want your money..."

".... If you leave your husband, you cant step into singapore again.."

"..What will happen to your kid, Gina? .."

"...Women should always be expected of this kinda things.."

My grandma even said something incredulous to my uncle. She said, " you should have safeguarded your money by letting me keep it for you.. now its all taken by your wife.."

I couldnt take it. I shouted at them, " do you know that what i am hearing now really disgust me. You guys are so practical and you guys only care about money?! Where is the love!? You are really ruining a family! How could you all? I feel so scared when i listen to the way you all speak!"

I knew my dad would be disappointed if i said something like that because my dad doesn't like me meddling in the affairs of the adults. But i really couldn't take it. How could they be so heartless! She is family! I love them!

I feel doubly disappointed with my grandmother.
I really wish they wont go.

March 19 will be their wedding anniversary, i wish she wont go.
Please, i pray.

This incident made me conclude just one thing.
Love dies.