Wow...

I know... I am slacking. Things have just been so crazy busy. I mostly update my facebook and I just don't have the time to update anywhere else. Maybe I will try to work on that and update more often.

We have had some fun times... Went camping, went to Disney... Andrew has his ups and downs. Some days he jsut amazes me and cracks me up and other days I wanna kill him, lol. But I guess that is part of having a toddler.
Kevin is working his ass off.... I mean none stop... and we are also none stop fighting. The fights have seriously escalated to the point where a lawyer was called. We have backed off from that but things are just not the same. I feel he has changed and I don't know who he is anymore. He says I have changed, which I see a little bit of it and honestly I think my changes are in response to him and the way he has been treating and talking to me. So right now it has been quiet for a few days but we will see.....
Things in other fronts are just kind of there and ok. I may have gotten a job as an EMT so we will see where that goes. We are still broke, but we got Andrew a huge amazing swing set! It is really exciting!
You can check my facebook for some updated photos and I will try to stay on top of things.
Now to go check to see how everyone else is doing....

ok...

So I am getting help I got the name of a women and I will call first thing in the am. Things have gotten really bad over here and it is pretty complicated. But basically my best friend has destroyed me. He has done to me what he promised he never would. As it stands now he has left me. He has left my life and he has been a MAJOR part of my life. Things were stressful there for a while we had our ups and downs but my god he was such a MAJOR MAJOR part of my life. Kevin always kind of jokingly referred to him as my boyfriend (and he was ok with it). I am not dealing with it well, I can't sleep I can't eat and what I do eat, well it doesn't stay down long.
So I am getting help. Not just for this but for all the stresses in my life. I just hope it helps. I hope i can get my point across of what my problem is b/c I have such issues verbalizing what I am feeling, what I am going through.
I will keep you all posted.

Boy am I slacking...

Things have just been crazy.... Nothing is good... Bills, money, work, everything is pretty shitty and I think that might be why I haven't blogged. I don't even sit at my pc in a while. One good thing is I got a new phone YAH! My phone was terrible.
But as I sit here for the past 2 1/2 hours on the phone with mortgage companies, credit card companies etc... Just gives you an idea how bad things are.
On a personal side... things with P and I have been fairly stressed, but I think things are moving on. In a different direction then we both thought and maybe in a way we didn't want but I think it will all work out. It was kind of hairy there for a while though.
As for E... I have given up. I feel like I have been reaching out and wanting his friendship more then he does me. I am finally going to stop. I really thought it was just me but he has proven to me and kevin and P that he really is not being a good friend to me. I don't think it is intentional I think he just has his priorties screwed up and I don't think he even realizes he hurts me when he does. Maybe one day he will wake up. but idk. I mean he has not been terrible, he has been there for me sometimes.... but... yeah somethings he just is just not right and I have even in a way voiced them to him.
Andrew... he is a riot... he cracks me up everyday! I really do need to upload pics... I will I promise.

My psychic reading....

Last weekend my friend had a psychic for her b-day so I had a reading.... It was an interesting reading and long and touched on some real stuff. But I don't know how much of it I believe especially with all that is going on.

So initially she started about how I needed to find something and asked if I am spirtiual at all. Which I am not... She saw the hermit card which told her that I needed to find someone, someome to counsel me, someone to guide me. Not necessarily religious but something spiritual. The spiritual will lead me to the open window.
What she liked about my reading was if I find this she was able to see my direct path where as most others have several different paths.
I asked about finances and she said we will soon be fine. THe card the cup runeth over she saw that Kevin will get a new job that will bring in alot of money. The job will be along the same lines as what he is doing now but a little different, he will not be in an entry level position either and will there for make good money. which this is interesting b/c he is looking into becoming a building inspector.
She predicted more kids in my future. And that my career is on hold until after I have kids. She predicts another boy next and that I will pregnant in 4 months or something to do with the number 4 (due april, or something with the 4). And then a suprise little girl.
She predicted that my friends are my world and that I need them more they need me. But that I do mean everything to them and they couldn't live their life without me. This need is stemming from something missing from my life. Something from my childhood. She asked if there was something I could thing of. My only comment was being an adopted and only child.
She thinks I need to find a counselor or something that specializes in people coping with being adopted. And once I find this person.... everything will improve. She said I had beautiful colors in my cards but I had to follow the right path.

So alot of it seemed pretty right on and I think given all these recent issues I need to find someone. I just don't know what to say to this someone. I don't know if it will really help everything. Especially my "friends" if they don't want to be my friend then how will me getting help fix that?

you ever realize...

That things are just not meant to be. Idk I just feel really hurt by something so petty. But it is all about consideration, thoughtfulness. Is it something with these people or is it me? I just idk.... I hurt... I want to crawl back in my hole and just stay home and limit my friends and limit who I talk to.
I mean G... I don't even know what to think of him. He just stopped talking to me and P b/c he was working on a girl and getting laid. Well it only takes 2 seconds to respond to a text or just anything. He walks around telling people we won't hang out with his friends and lies to us. He is blowing something good friendship wise for a transient fuck buddy....
P... I don't know what is going on anymore... so much yet so little and most of it is my own issues that I need to sort out.
E.... again... I don't know what the hell went wrong there. Oh I know I showed him the letter. I wrote him a letter explaining some of my actions and how important his friendship means to me b/c I just don't think he was getting it. I wasn't able to verbalize it to him and the best thing I knew to do was to write a letter. Like an idiot I showed it to him. Things haven't been the same since and now he is totally dissing me, blowing me off just like he did a few months ago.
I am just so tired...... I want things to work out. I want my friends but I don't think they want me and that hurts.

I'm tired of being sad....

I just feel like everyday there is something different that makes me sad or cry or depressed. I am just so very tired.
From Andrew being sick
bills and lack of money
kevin not able to find consistent work (totally not his fault he works his ass off)
to friends betraying me
friends spreading rumors about me
friends leaving my life
my mom giving me guilt trips
this house never being finished.

It is just always something. I am just so tired....

It's not infected......

Andrew has the FLU!



He woke up yesterday with 103.7 fever. OFf to the ped we went. She said the cut on his lip looks ok (not great, but not infected either). And did a strep test and a flu test. He came back positive for flu b. He spent pretty much all day on the couch yesterday. Poor little guy is just burning up and it keeps him from sleeping. Is downstairs having breakfast with daddy (if he is eating) and he sounds better then yesterday but we will see how the day goes.



As for Kevin... he got called in for some union work last night. Bad timing but we will take it. And a few days next week. Kind of screws thing up b/c it would be better if he got on and stayed on but we will work it out. Hey it is work!



Kevin made big plans for V-day for tonight. Now they are kind of up in the air b/c of Andrew but we will see how he feels and go from there on what we are going to do.



Happy Valentine's Day everyone.

Another quick update...

Well we are hanging in there. Kev is bringing in some money not enough but it is better then nothing and my parents helped us out this month for the taxes and mortgage.
I am going to apply for the hardship on the mortgage and see how that goes. And I think I am going to evict my tenant. I am tired of dealing with his shit. I am pretty bummed b/c I had a friend that said he would take it and I was pretty excited to know that I already had someone lined up but now he isn't sure if he can. We have some time so we will see what happens.
As for me I have been studying basically nonstop for my EMT-CC refresher class in order to avoid having to attend too many classes. E has been helping me which has been super helpful. I finished the test last night and now I just have to do the practicals next week.
P took me to dinner Tuesday night for V-day. We went to the Melting Pot!!! OMG IT WAS AMAZING!!! IT was a wonderful night that I will never forget. He is such a great friend to me!
Andrew is doing well, getting cuter and cuter by the day. He feel Tuesday at Gymboree and cut his lip open. It looks really gross and now I am concerned about an infection b/c he seems to have a fever with no other symptoms. So I am going to keep an eye on it.
SO those are things in a nutshell. I know I promised pics I will try to upload soon.

Quick Update...

Well quick update... things still suck..
Money is maybe getting a bit better but not great.... sitll trying to work some things out with the mortgage company etc.
Kevin is doing some work so he is off my ass a bit
Andrew is mister chatterbox.

Oh and I hate rumors. I don't understand why people insist on making things up about others. I mean you feel like some of these people are your friends and then they are making up crazy crazy rumors. WTF!

But I had Kevin's company dinner last night and tonight I am going to Beth's for her birthday. So it is another long weekend!

I got some great pics in the snow the other day I will try to update.

Going to kill him...

If he doesn't get real work soon I am going to kill him. I love my husband to death but at the same time he is driving me crazy.

Besides the fact that we have no money, I am dealing with all the bills and everything all by myself and it is super stressful! I asked him to do one thing to look into one thing for me and all he did was get me a fucking website and a phone number. How does that answer the questions. Why do I have to do that.

I just called my mortgage company to see if they have any options if you can not pay your mortgage. Oh yeah sure we send you a form you fill it back and they hardship department deteremines what they can do. Well guess what that takes 45-50 days. How does that help me????? Does that make sense, that is 2-3 more mortgage payments. I can't pay now! ARGH!!!!

Not to mention my asshole tenant... doesn't even know when he is going to pay me. I can' not wait to get this guy out of my fucking house b/c I hate him so much right now! He is the worst tenant ever!

RIP Rudy.... my poor littlest turtle...

Well I came upstairs today to find one of my turtles had passed away. Little Rudy I got her in August 2007. She was just a little thing. ANd I watched her eat some blood worms today. I am shocked and crushed! I think it hurts more that I couldn't really do anything for her, she went so quickly.

I spoke to another fellow turtle lover and he said some very kind words, they help but it still hurts. May just be she was not destined to live, it happens with these babies that is why turtles have so many babies.

I will miss you little one!

These are the only pics I could find of her at the moment....

Slacking...

Yeah I know, I have been slacking. Things have just been crazy and very stressful. Still not union work but Kev got a few side jobs, not the same but at least it is a little bit of money. We are cutting costs on alot but I just know it isn't enough. We looked into some options but I don't feel like getting into it now. I do appreciate everyones help and advice and I am looking into some of those suggestions.

I had a pretty crazy week, I got to see my old roommate Terry. I was really excited, she is alot of fun and b/c I had to drive I managed to save money at the bar and only spent $4 plus tip! I even had exciting nights Friday and Saturday night.

I finally got to give E his christmas present, I ws beginning to think he didn't want it and I made it just for him, and we even got to spend some "alone" time chatting like we used to do. I have actually been seeing him alot lately b/c we have been working out together and it makes me feel closer to him. I think some people are right that he cares about me more as a friend then he will lead me to believe. BUt it was fun Saturday just chatting, I really do miss that!!! However the lack of sleep over the weekend was not so good but it was all worth it.

I did have some small issue with a "Friend" that spread a secret about me, but you know what I was pissed at first and now I am kind of like whatever, I don't care. I just learned that this friend can not be trusted.

The best part of the weekend is Saturday we went the Fire/EMS Mega Show. Saw lots of fire trucks and stuff. I will have to upload pics this afternoon. Andrew loved it! And I was proud of ourselves b/c we only got sweats for me to workout in and a shirt for Andrew and Kev, we could have very easily spent even more money.

Oh I almost forgot... we have finally done it... We have started Cloth Diapering Andrew all day as well. Steph introduced us to these flushable liners and we got some diapers the other day. If we like it I will get just a few more. I figure this will be good practice for the next one and we can cd from the start. I don't know what I was thinking that I didn't take pics of him in is fluffy butt, but I will!

I think that is all for now, few other things going on but I don't want to get into them now.

Not sure what to do...

Kevin is out of work... Damn union. THis is why we pulled out of the union b/c there is not enough work, we really need a steady paycheck. We basically live paycheck to paycheck and nowe we are on week 2 with no paycheck. Some money here and there but nothing steady. THis is not enough. I can't pay bills, I am paying bills with credit cards which is really bad, and I know, I absolutely know that I don't have the money for the mortgage or the taxes that are due. I am at a loss. I am beyond stressed b/c well I just don't know what to do. It isn't there.
My mom called me yesterday and was trying to tell me she would watch Andrew while I worked. It is not that easy. Besides teh fact that I can't get my hours at the museum and I am not credentialed to do als to get an emt job. Plus my refresher class starts in a few weeks and that will take up some of my time too. Not to mention the fact, I don't have much home time left with Andrew. I mean I am starting him in Pre-school this fall. And my plan was to get more hours or work at that time.
I wish my scrapbooking business would pick up but I just can't get anyone to commit to a get together or ordering or anything. If I could just get that going that will bring in a decent amount of money!
I am at a loss!

Celebrating Dante!

Well we had every intention of going to the Celebration of Life for Trooper Dante. Unfortunately Andrew has ANOTHER cold, so we were afraid to go. Besides the fact that it wouldn't be fair to him but also I would not want to risk others that could be there that might have comprised immune systems. So we decided to stay home a a family. We all dressed in blue and white and wore blue ribbons on our jackets and I kept telling Andrew that today was for Dante. He really was getting it. I was proud of him.

So we decided to do a family day. We were going to go to a train museum b/c well both Andrew and Dante loved trains. Unfortunately it is closed until feb 1. So I chose the Aquarium. Animals always seem to be a strong thing in my life. I figured as long as we are together as a family is what was important.

I have to say I miss that place. Several animals I remembered had passed away including Otis who was my favorite Sea Lion. He actually only passed away 3 months ago. I kind of felt like this all was one big connection for me.

Anyway, Andrew loved it! I was glad we did it together and all day I thought of Dante and his strong spirit, we even told others his story and explained the blue and white.

Here are some pics...

hypocrit....

Thats what I am...

I come here regularly, complaining about my "friends" and how they are not good friends to me. Where in reality I am not the good friend. I am not being fair. Kevin said that to me last night that I was not a good friend... I didn't think about it that much. But he is right I am not. Explains why I have no friends and why I can't keep my friends. I always knew it had to be me. I mean how can so many people be crappy friends. I always was in denial that it could possible be me. It really is.

So people beware, I am not a good friend. I am selfish, I am full of betrayal, I hurt people, I claim im good but don't believe it! Even my husband agrees with me!

I feel empty and alone...

I totally feel like I am losing my best friend. I won't be needed much longer, I won't see him much more and that he is drifting away for another women. What sucks even more is that he hasn't even met her yet, I feel so distanced and they are just still chatting, what will happen when they do meet, that will be it. I know he needs a g/f and I am ok with that but at what expense. Why are guys incapable of keeping a friend while dating.

What is worse is no one gets what I am feeling. No one understands. Not even Kevin! I came to bed last night upset, crying, I've been crying over this and getting sick and upset. And he just argued with me. How can you argue with someones feelings. They are MY feelings, you can't argue that. He argued with me, fought with me and just made me feel even more alone. I "slept" on the couch. BTW there is not much on tv that late at night.

So now I will have lost 2 great friends in less then 1 year. And Kevin cares but just doesn't fully get it. SO I am alone :'(

pics!

Some pics from upstate.


Kevin, Andrew & Patrick


The lake...



This pic was taken after Kevin slipped on the ice and was still on the ground!



Andrew got tired




Yes that is Kevin's legs sticking out of the tunnel


They were rolling around in the tunnel



Woke up to another 5 inches of snow yah!

I love this shot of Holly running to see what Andrew was up to

Patrick had to go get him b/c he just wanted to keep on going

His first snow Angel

Celebrating New Year's with a big meal and of course cupcakes

This is what the grownups did after Andrew went to bed, yes that is an ATARI!

Umm it looks like Kev hit the champagne instead of me. And yes I am wearing pink it is an inside joke!

Chilling before the ball dropped

Ok and that is WITHOUT the windchill, it was -19!

Jealousy is so ugly....

And I am the culprit. First of all yes I know I need to post something good and some pics! I will I promise. And one good thing is I get to scrapbook this weekend!!!

Anyways.... jealous... I am so jealous of some people it hurts. I know everyone is sick of hearing about E, and I don't even know what my issue is... call it a crush, call it friends whatever but all I know is I care very deeply for him and I long to be his friend. I long to be the person that he turns to when he needs someone to talk to. For a long time I was that person when him and his ex broke up and she was pulling all sorts of stunts I was that person. I was there for him supported him, listened. He still does confide in me I am not sure of what he tells me that he may not tell others but he does confide in me and I so in him. He does care, and he does show that and I think that is what makes it so hard, is exactly that. There are times where I feel he feels teh same as I do. Even P says that he thinks he really does care etc and is either in denial or not willing to always show it. I honestly think he is embarassed to admit to others especially people in the firehouse that we are so close. What I am jealous of is the fact that he is getting close again with his ex. They are not back together all though at the rate they are going they might as well be. He spends so much time with her etc. Yes I know they have history together. Yes I know I am married she is not which means he can get some if he wants. yes I know I have a kid and he is young and doesn't want to deal with kids but still. Sometimes I feel like it is torture to get him to hang out with me. He will have opportunities and won't. Yet I feel like any chance he gets he is with her. The other day he called her his best friend, that was like a knife in my heart and I was devestated! Not that he can't have 2 best friends but I just don't think it is the same. I think he doesn't mind showing her off b/c well all the guys think she is hot and why the hell not. IDK. I think that if he treated me the same all the time.... I wouldn't feel this way. I mean he does shit like stop by the deli not to eat but to come visit. P says he watches me and gives me looks, we do the whole private convo look glance thing when we are in a group setting. There is definately a connection I just wish it was more out there, I wish he would spend that time with me. I know I am selfish etc. ARGH

Then on top of that I know it is going to happen eventually but P is going to find another girlfriend and it is going to rip my heart out. B/c right now he spends so much time with me. He keeps me company he is there for me. But I know that once another girl comes into the picture that will slowly dissapear. I can't expect it not to, but he is such a caring and devoted person that he will want to devote all the time he puts into me into a new girl. He denies that will happen. He says it will be less but his feelings for me will never change and we will spend time together. But t will just never be the same. And reality hit last night when he started chatting with this girl last night. I just lost it. With all the other stresses I have all I need is to lose my best friends. B/c right now I truly feel like I am losing both of them and they both mean so much to me.

I don't know why they mean so much I don't know why I need their friendships so much I just do. I feel better when I am with either one of them when I am chatting with them. Yes yes Kevin does to, but he is in totally different class. No one can ever come near how I feel about Kevin that is an untouchable expectation. But Kev isn't around all the time, Kev is sometimes why I need a friend to talk to.

I just wish I can be happy with what I got! But for some reason and I don't know why, I just don't quite feel complete.

2009 SUCKS!!!

Ok lets see what else could go wrong...

1. my Birthday sucked, no one showed up except 2 people... so all these people I thought were my friend apparently really could care less!

2. My tenant is a fucking asshole who has totally taken advantage of me and hasn't paid me on time and got a fucking dog even though I told him not to. I feel o fucking betrayed

3. We had a line of duty death of a cheif that died from a fire that I was at in my town!

4. Trooper Dante passed away which has left me a crying idiot for several days.

5. We have NOOOOOO MOney!!! I mean no... nothing in savings not enough to pay bills or the mortgage. THis alone is the biggest stress ever!

6. Kevin got laid off again! We don't know for how long but I can't afford for him to be out of work for even one day.

7. I can't find a job b/c Kevin's hours change too much and I then can not afford a sitter.

8. My one weekend away that I have been looking forward to for a few weeks now is now cancelled b/c my friend is not in the mood.... what about me! :( Yeah I know petty compared to it all but when you add it all up.

9. My business is going no where fast and no matter how hard I try I can't get it going!

10. My house is falling apart we have no money to fix it.

11. Kevin and I fight all the time, not like fight in a bad way like our marriage is in bad shape but b/c we are so stressed out.

12. Kevin is ready for kid #2.... I can't do it! I can't do it knowing that at any point we can't even pay the mortgage. We can not afford it and he argues we will never be able to. But I don't want to be this bad.

13. Oh and it is day 5 of my diet and I already blew it last night with a late night trip to MCdonalds :(

14. Did I mention the money situation!

15. and as petty as this sound my friend thought it would be funny to through a bowling shoe at me last night and hit me in the head! of course I was in the middle of an amazing game and it hurt really bad.

I really just want to run away screaming! Get away from here and this fucking money pit I call a house!

little Angels..

I know I posted about Trooper Dante in the past and I have been frantically following his blog. I had every intention of going to go visit him this week or next was just waiting for Andrew to shake this cold b/c I know that could have been dangerous. I even sent the family a message yesterday telling them of my intentions.

Well Dante grew his wings this morning at 8:33 am! I gasped! Andrew was sitting right next to me and kept asking me what was wrong. I didn't know how to tell him or what to say. I just picked him up and held him (of course he didn't want to be held, lol). And now I sit here crying. I couldn't imagine going through what they are going through right now. I couldn't imagine what it has been like to watch this. I hope it was peaceful, I pray he is in peace and in no more pain.

Things like this just shouldn't happen!

Are you serious....

Yeah I know I promised pics.... but... ARGH!

First of all we are still trying to catch up from him being laid off during that time and from Nikki's surgery. We have no money left, nothing in savings, nothing, I already borrowed money from my parents and I don't and can't do it again.

Kev is working like crazy, lots of overtime been doing good, still just trying to catch up and just when I think we are ok boom.... No work tomorrow, not sure what the next job will be or if there will be one! Are you serious! I am like crushed. He might go back tuesday but he doesn't know, I just hate this uncertainity!

On top of that my mortgage is due on Sat... I don't have the money, I don't know how to get the money and I don't know what to do. If my tenant paid me on time this month I would just about make it. But for like the 5th out of 6 months he has been here is not going to be on time. In the past he has at least gotten it to me by the 10th but this month, NOPE! On top of that he got a dog, after I told him not to! I am so pissed. He lied to me, he has been sneaking this dog around, he betrayed my friendship! When this lease is up he is out!

So here Kev just finished telling me no work etc...a nd then goes right into the dog and the cat peeing on the dog beds and was like "i am done bear is gone" So now I am already crying over money and he is going to threaten to get rid of my cat. Are you serious!

I already hate 2009!!!

Are you allowed to cry on your Birthday?????

You know I think I hate birthdays and holidays. I think you learn who your real friends are. Yeah I know many people sent me Happy Birthday wishes, via text, facebook, email etc. But for some reason those are all people that I know to be my friends.
It is the damn fire department. This is why I stopped hanging out along time ago b/c I discovered that although I may see these people everday. I do things with them we go out we hang out... Apparently they are not truly my friends. I learned that years ago and I don't know why I even bother. I have been saying for over a week that I wanted everyone to hang out this Friday night (friday nights are hit or miss) but I said that we would all celebrate my b-day. Well last night was one of the deadest friday nights at the firehouse ever! Only 2 people showed up that said they would P and E. And obviously P would come. I was very happy E came. We sat by ourselves just chatting like old times for a LONG time! It was great, I miss that. Unfortunately we finally had a chance to see each other yet we didn't have each others Christmas present, lol.
So now I come online to check my email (hoping I have some messages). And I go onto facebook (and one of my online forums) and I had a whole bunch of happy wishes which briefly brought a smile on my face until I scrolled down to find out a few of my friends including someone that I thought was a real, true and good friend and I am soon discovering may not be was at the bar last night! He knew! ARGH! I think he hurt most of all. Nah I think the whole thing just sucks.
So now I am home with Andrew alone (b/c Kev is working). Going to my parents house for dinner... just like another day, nothing special!
Maybe we can just forget it is my b-day and just move on with life!

Btw I have some great pics from upstate.... damn it I just realized I should have just stayed up there! I had such a great time it would have been so much less dissapointing. I will upload later... :'(