Finally.....

Finally we are going back upstate. Haven't been up all summer since 4th of July! In fact we almost didn't go this weekend either b/c of the whole money issue also. But my parents helped us out a little. And when we get back I am going to do somethings to help us out a little. I need a cushion for instances when this asshole boss bounces a check. I just feel like I can not catch up right now. Plus I will be back to work in a few weeks and althought it isn't much It is still a little bit.

I think we need it. Need to get away from the stress of this house and money and bills etc. I really thought after all the parties my stress would be relieved and that the fighting will stop but it hasn't. I still owe my mom a good amount of money between helping pay for the party and a small loan she gave us. And I hate oweing her or anyone money for that matter!!!! So the thought is to get a home equity line of credit. Pay her back put a little in the bank and then let the rest be there in case of an emergency or bounced paycheck with the mortgage due whatever I need. I really think that will help put my mind at ease!

I guess Kevin is super stressed out to. I don't think I realized how stressed he was until yesterday. He has been telling me for a week he had an "appointment" yesterday. Wouldn't tell me anything more then that. He said after the appointment he will tell me waht it is all about.
Turns out he went to stress management counseling and will continue to go to it once a week! What upsets me most about it is that he couldn't tell me about it. That he felt he couldn't discuss it with me. I mean I know he is stressed I am stressed. It just saddens me! :(

But maybe this weekend will help! I hope it will help!

Andrew' b-day party pics

pics....

don't have that many pics from the party b/c they are on my friends camera but here they are...

I

A seriously LONG weekend!

and it is finally over!!!

I feel so much less stressed it is crazy!

We had Andrew's b-day party today. Went very well. Everyone had a good time... EXCEPT........ the BIRTHDAY BOY!!! Go figure. He was so cranky!

But it was a good day, Kevin was able to spend more time with his brother. And him and his wife came back to the house to look at it. Rose had never seen it so she really got the full tour.

I will probably post some pics tomorrow! I HOPE!

One down!!!

WOW!!! I feel like a million stresses have been lifted from me....

But guess what... Kevin was surprised! I mean really surprised. HE had no idea!!!!

He thought we were going to just do a cake thing or something for him today during Andrew's party. I am so happy he was suprrised. He was even more surprised to see his brother. And Christophers wife surprised him by arranging for his son to come out! So they both got surprised.

Everyone had a great time! The food was AWESOME! Everything just went really smoothly.

I might have some pics from my camera but my friend took the pics and she is no on vacation so I don't know when I will get those pics from her.

So one down.... one more to go!

oh it could get worse

Went to go powerwash the chairs.... It blew up... won't work. Had to hand scrub them!

Then I go to the deli for lunch... get back into Kev's truck and the step broke. Granted it was roted and bound to happen but I banged my shin and my hand really hard they both hurt really bad and are swollen.

I still have nothing to wear

ANd I am now going to work at the deli b/c I felt bad b/c she was by herself. I honestly don't mind but I worry about other things that could possibly go fucking wrong today.

a stroke... heartattack...nervous breakdown maybe!

I can't take this anymore. My stress level has never been so high in my life and I just don't think I can take it anymore!

So Kev's paycheck bounced.... has the boss paid us back...... NOPE! Now it is Thursday he is claiming he can't find the money meanwhile tomorrow is Friday..... He is supposed to pay us again!

If this just couldn't happen at the worst time. On Saturday I have to pay the caterer and the cook in cash... and guess how much money I have in my checking account $6.92!!!! Yes that is the magic number. And I have checks out there.

My mom offered to lend us $1000 which I really don't want to do. Besides I have other bills to pay that I really need the 2 paychecks. Besides the fact that this will be the second person I am borrowing money from and I can't take this!

Oh and to top it off, P and I went to go checkou thte backyard at the firehouse yesterday to find out what we can use/can't use and guess what......... THe chairs are missing! THere are no fucking chairs. I have 57 + people coming and there are only 17 chairs. so now on top of all this other shit I need to find chairs and clean them.

I just don't think I can take this anymore!!!!!!!!

oh and of course Andrew has a COLD AGAIN!!!!

And so it begins.....

INSOMNIA!!! Got to love it!

Seriously now.....

I think I am going to have a stroke ! I swear to god.

First of all I don't know how the bank can do this. Kev's paycheck sat pending for a few days like it always does. Today it went in. So I paid a but load of bills!

Tonight, we take out a little money... balance is really low!

The fucking paycheck bounced!!!!!!!!!!

This is the 3rd fucking paycheck.

Now my fucking checks that just went out today are going to bounce. I am royally fucked! I can't transfer anything b/c my savings is in ING and that takes 2-3 days.

I am so pissed and stressed. We are looking for a new job for Kev b/c we just can't live like this!

ARGH! and we just finally got good health insurance.

4 more days...

4 more days and I will be in a lot less stress.

I think the planning is going pretty well as long as my mom doesn't drive me crazy. We have a few last minute things to purchase but I think we are pretty set. At least I hope so!

I still don't really have anything to wear. I went to the store today and got something but I am not jumping for joy over it :(. Might try again on Thursday otherwise I am stuck with what I got.

Argh... why can't we just get a break!

Money and bills have been really tight, I mean worse then ever. And everytime I think we are ok, another bill or something else comes up. We just can't get a break.

Now Kevin just called me to tell me he got another parking ticket b/c of the commerical truck. This fucking sucks! Do you know how hard it is to hear him complain every single fucking day that he hates his job. What do you want me to fucking do. I finally just flipped and told him to quite his job and we will sell this fucking money pit we call a house! get some small apartment and save us half the fucking money. I really don't know what else to do b/c he let his union card go which I told him NOT to do. So n ow his friend his saying that he might be able to get him permanently on a job but since he let his card go... well duh! I mean he refuses to even look at another job. THere is no way he is going to continue to work with this guy forever.

I am trying what I can. I signed up to be the CM consultant. And I put in an application to become a dispatcher at the firehouse. There I can work nights/weekends. But that is another thing that is really pissing me off b/c apparently I am not in the fucking "clique" to get hired. WTF I want to get hired b/c I could use the fucking money.

And the final straw is my fucking mom. She is driving me fucking batty over this fucking party. Ok it is an outdoor fucking bbq, of course I am going to have some pop up tents. Are you kidding me? DUH! Oh that is too much food meanwhile she thinks 50 plastic cups is enough when there will be 57 people... hmmmm you do the fucking math! Argh I wish I was doing this completely on my own without her help b/c she is driving me crazy and I just can't wait for this shit to be over!

ARRRRGGGGHHHHHHH!

Puts things in perspective

Back in June I amde a post... I titled "puts things in perspective"

It was about my friend Jackie from work. a beautiful vibrant caring person. Well we received an email at work today that she lost the battle cancer on July 31st.

Although I read the email a few hours ago I have not been able to really think about it b/c I was not home. Now sitting here and writing about her makes me so sad.

The family waited to tell people b/c they wanted things private and I understand that. My job is going to plant a tree in her memory in our Garden.

I don't even know how to react or respond or what to think it. She really was a beautiful person. I mean people say that all the time but she really was.......... :'(

I can't think about it.....You can read more about her in my old post I don't recall what I wrote

Here she is... and this picture really shows how beautiful she was inside and out!

RIP Jackie... You will always been in our hearts, thoughts and memories!

Still in a funk....

Wish I had a good post for once but that just does not seem to by my luck! I still feel like I am in this funk. I don't want to talk to anyone nor do I want to hang out or do anything.
I have so much to do around the house it is horrible and I just don't have the motivation. I did finally vacuum yesterday (it had been a week) I could have made another dog from all the fur. I wish I had a new vacuum mine sucks.
I spoke to my ex last night (we chat from time to time). We were together a LONG time ago so we are amicable. I found myself last night reminiscing alot and wishing I was back in that time. Stress free etc. He may be a daddy from his ex he has to get a paternity test done. I was so excited to hear that he was a daddy. Even back when we were dating I always knew he would make a great dad. And althought it has been almost 15 years since we dated there are somethings that have never changed about him. And I hope althought we have tried in the past that we can connect again. He really is a super sweet guy! I hope this little boy is his b/c I just know he would be so great as a dad!
Still have a lot to do pertaining to the party and I am sad to say that I have still not gotten alot of RSVP's it is alot less people then I originally thought. I really just wanted to surround Kevin with people that know and love him and I just hope more people RSVP that they are coming. Plus I am worried I have too much food, lol.
Wow this blogging really does help b/c for some reason I suddenly feel better. Except we have gymboree today I want to sign him up for the fall session b/c he LOVES it, but we can't afford it. I might just bite the bullet and do it anyway, I mean he does come first!

Just want to cry!

What a horrible horrible day. I really feel like just sitting here and crying.
I sit here so depressed that I have 2 friends that I have traveled across the country to NY and are now less then an hour away and I can not get to see them!
Original plans was accomodating some of my friends that wouldn't have a huge amount of money for the family vacation and would have been at my parents house upstate. And it came to everyones realization that hey they will be in or near NYC and how many opportunities will they have to do that. So everything got changed and moved which is totally understandable. BUT now there is just no possible way I can go.
I mean granted I was leary about going and doing this from day one b/c of the activities and trying to chase Andrew around by myself, trecking through the city (which I hate) and that the activities chosen really did not interest me. BUT I really wanted to go today to see my friends. I would have dealt with all those issues just to be with them.
But I sit here looking at my checkbook that literally has $29.54!!!!! I screwed up on the bills, we are fucking broke. I am worried about months to come our savings is getting depleted and I don't know what else to do about it. On top of that for the first time ever in my entire life I had to borrow $300 from a friend to help pay for the bills that were due yesterday. I didn't tell Kevin and it is just eating me alive that I had to do this. I am thankful to my friend it was really sweet of him to offer and I gratiously accepted but still.
So now what right would I have to spend the kind of money to be spent to get into the city. It would cost me almost $200 for the day! Granted they did find things that were fairly inexpensive given how expensive things are in the city but still. What right would I have to spend that money after borrowing money.
The of course tomorrow people are meeting at Central Park which would then be much cheaper. But there is now only one person that I want to see.
I also have to admit that seeing that seperate playdates were setup that I could have possible afforded and alot of other stuff going on with these ladies and with people in the firehouse lately I have been feeling very left out and alone. It is always the same thing where I am not quite fully "in the crowd" I am always just a bit on the outskirts. I hate that feeling.
So I sit here.... not wanting to do anything and having so much to do. My mind is running a million miles per minute spinning over money, bills, etc. Questioning what right I even have to throw Kevin this party. I mean turning 50 is once in a lifetime but so are my friends that are visiting from California etc. I mean granted I started planning for this party way before money got REALLY bad and my friend and his mom are helping me out tremendously to save money but still.
I just want to be out of debt!
I want to curl up in a ball and cry!
I don't want to do anything but at the same time if I stay here at the house I know I will just feel worse.... but maybe I should make myself feel worse. Think about all the things I am missing out on. My friends that I will never get to see. :(
I just don't know what to do.... and I am going to be all alone today, dwelling and getting even more down!

2 Year pics!

Well we attempted this last week and that was a no go. I really think he acts up when Kevin is around. I think he just wants his attention so much!

So today I went alone. He was so great. At first he was leary but I brought one of his toys from home and he took to that right away and was all smiles.

Also did a beach theme

How could I forget....

We reached a new milestone... We turned Andrew around! I was pretty dissppointed but b/c in the other car he had to be turned around at 30 lbs and the new car seat is a toddler/booster seat he started refusing going in my car. It was getting really bad. So we finally gave in and turned him around. Up until he started no eating he was at that 30lb mark and getting close to the 33 lb limit anyways. I am happy to say that we will be doing extended 5 point harness. In fact we just purchased a 3rd car seat that does 5pt harness to 65 lbs!!!

pics...

Here are some pics from the beach last weekend!

Yeah yeah yeah...

I am slacking on my updates and on my promises. I said I would upload pics and I actually went to do that today. For the first time in what feels like weeks I had some time by myslef on the computer. Of course I am so far behind that I didn't even have the pics uploaded from my cam to the computer so therefore I couldn't upload them here. I will I promise.

As for me... just been really busy! I am spending alot of time at night (which is when I would be on the computer) with friends, especially P. We just have a fantastic time together. I feel like we have been friends for years. IN fact the other day his mom commented to him "too bad she is married b/c you two get along so well!" We really do. I think alot of it has to do with we understand each other. He really understands my insecurities and my fears like no one else. It is really great to have a friend like him.

Got alot of stuff going on. Been planning Kevin's party all by myself for the most part and dude this is alot of fucking work. Plus the "sneaking around" is getting hard. I think Kevin thinks that something is going on but he has no idea, lol. I just can't wait for this to be done! Not to mention the fact that he wants to do something for Andrew's birthday for the following day! So now I am working on two parties!!! ARGH!

Bills and money sucks... but I really don't want to get into that. I am pissed as hell at Dish Network b/c they can't fix my dish problems. The only way I can fix it is to either fix the roof on my garage or cut down some trees!

I think Andrew and I or Kevin and I have plans for almost every day for the rest of the summer! I am even double and triple booked.

So basically I am super super busy so I may not update as much as I should but I will try to when I can.

Ups and downs....

Well I realized that I haven't posted any updates in a while and I also realized that the last few i did were pretty much downers. I was going to try to make this a completely up beat one but I got a few things I want to throw in there.

Last few days have been super busy. Andrew still isn't eating well but he has his moments so I am not fully concerned to the point where I need to call the ped immediately but I will bring it up at his 2 year appointment. He is also getting over a really bad cold and is super cranky. But to me if he isn't eating this could be part of his crankiness.

I am feeling really good about mynew friendship with p. I feel that it is not going to disappear like the last one did and that we have discussed things to such an extent that we both understand each other etc. It is cool b/c he knows how to make me feel special and treats me the way I want to be treated which I think is kind of hard to do. He has definately filled this emptiness that I have felt. In fact today I came to the realization that I have been feeling this way since my big fall out with M a few years ago. He was my best bud for so long we were inseperable in HS and I guess I miss him!
Speaking of losing friends, seeing E today hurt. It was the first time I have seen him since he got the new girlfriend. I am realizing more and more each day that my feelings for him although I genuinely love him as a friend I think I fell for him in other ways as well. I think I was really denying this for a long time. But I was happy at one point that he made it a consious effort to come and chat with me unfortunately Iw as chasing Andrew around so we couldn't chat but that attempt meant ALOT to me!

I am getting really excited for Kevin's party. People are RSVP'ing that they can come and I am starting to get more shit in order. I am still slacking alot and I really need to get my ass in gear but at least we have progress.

I got some great pics of Andrew at the beach today I will try to upload them soon.