Merry Christmas....

Well I was going to post about a little rant I had but... you know what.... It's Christmas.... I don't want anyone or anything to bring me down.

Andrew LOVED Christmas. We took him to mass which he was soo good. We were at my sil until midnight where he was awake the entire time. Christmas day, he loved his new trains. That is all he wanted to play with, then he realized he could open his presents and still go back to playing with his trains. He finished opening all of his presents and he kept asking for more. He was cute he would get confused with the whole to from part. And despite not feeling well and no sleep he was really good. Still recovering but good!

Here are lots of pics!



Andrew and his cousin Kristin



Receiving a giant Frog from Grandma




He was so tired he wanted to sleep in one of the twins bed.



The loot!



Omg it took us over 3 hours to put this thing together



But it was well worth it!






In his little conductors hat and scarf



With Uncle John, he actually didn't like being in that position



Trains with Papa!



Showing off his new hat!

friends....

You know I realized I tend to right about my "friends" when I am at my worst. It isn't all bad. I have to go back to being hte positive person. I think with P being much more of a pessimist which I am not used to I am starting to look at everything that is bad instead of everything that is good. I think some of the problems with my friends is I expect too much from them. I tend to go above and beyond and I expecte everyone to be that and that is not always the case and I need to realize that.

But I do have some of the best friends in the world and I find the closer the friend the more the fights. I mean P is there for me so much, he dissappoints me and upsets me from time to time but then there are times like last night he came over and helped me wrap all of Andrew's Christmas presents as just ONE example. I need to look at these more. But I think when I need to write something it is when something bad has happened or when I am in down and in one of my ruts.

E, although I feel like I don't mean much to him, he calls me just to say hi. He hasn't done that in a while and it means so much to me when he does. I need to realize that someone that was not my friend wouldn't do that. I need to be thankful of the fact that I have him as a friend in general you know.

I do have other friends, I think alot of them tiems I wish I was back in college when my friends were so close, when I had a roommate etc. Yeah yeah I know I am married and Kevin is my best friend in the whole world and I know he will ALWAYS be there for me and I will ALWAYS love him! Sometimes you just need friends!

I'm sorry if I have hurt some of my friends. I got an interesteing message from someone I believed to be my friend until she made some comments that really hurt. THey still hurt but maybe she is right.

Love all you guys!

Merry Christmas

Can't take it anymore!!!

I just can't. I hate being alone. If you ever asked what my biggest fear in life is it is being alone! I have been like this forever and forever I have been alone. An only child, no friends, and now this.....

I should be happy that Kevin has a job. I am happy he does, we need the money. We are so far in the whole I don't know if we will get out of it but that is a different issue.

It is these hours. I just feel so alone. When Andrew is up I am fine, he keeps me company, he makes me feel better, he keeps me distracted but once he goes to bed, I start losing my mind. It just kills me to be sitting here being alone. I try to get shit done to keep my mind off of it and now all I feel like is that I have been doing everything around here lately b/c I am ALONE. No matter what I do it brings me back to this whole horrible feeling of being alone.

On top of this I have this emptiness in my heart. I feel alone on a higher level. I know I have mentioned this many times before but it is just such a controlling part of my life. I feel the need to be important in someones life (other then Kevin and Andrew). I don't know why it is just what it is.

It has gotten worse since E commented that this other person was his "best friend" He stumbled over that word... he knew me hearing it would upset me and changed it to "good friend" but I hear that. Yeah yeah I know how old a I. but I remember him saying he doesn't really consider anyone a best friend. Well obviously he does and obviously it is not me. I consider him to be one of my best friends and I feel like this is the root of many of my problems. That no one ever feels as strongly for me as I do them. It has been eating me alive ever since and I have been dying to ask him if I mean that much to him, but I have restrained.

On top of that I am drifting away from my other bf P. He has started treating me the same way he was treating his ex before he FINALLY decided to break it off with her. He dragged that on and strung her along for a while and now I feel like he doesn't want to be my friend anymore, spend time with me anymore. He opts to be with me less and just like many of my other friends in the past has decided that there are plenty of other people out there he would rather spend time with then with me.

Another friend only texts me when he needs something.... Or when he is horny, he constantly makes passes at me and I constantly blow him off ( you would think he would get the hint, but no) but god forbid as a friend nope....

Oh and another friend sent me a nasty im the other ay b/c I was upset that I feel like the annoying little gnat that calls everyone and no one ever calls me and she blamed me for that!

You know what... maybe it is all me! Obviously this many people can't all be wrong. I just wish I knew how to fix it!

pics pics and more pics....

We went upstate to a little place to cut down our own Christmas trees. it was really nice, got a really big good tree for cheap. Andrew loved it and he loved his snow suit.







He kept picking hte smallest one there, I guess b/c they were his height



I have almost this exact same picture as last year, lol




Decorating the tree







I had the same problem last year trying to get a pic of all 3 of them with their antlers on.




He just thought the whole situation was so funny! I love his face in this one!




His last day of Soccertots they gave him this cute hat he watns to wear it all the time and his new gloves



Santa came on the fire truck again. We went to a neighbors house this year, Andrew was SOOOO excited the whole time!!







Santa gave him this super cute pirate ship.

.....

I don't even know what to title it.... I have been crazy busy trying to get this house cleaned up and ready for Santa on Sat. We went upstate to cut down a tree and had an awesome time and later I will try to post some pics. Nikki is slowly improving but we still have a ways to go....

The biggest thing on my mind lately has been money, bills, cleaning etc, until I read the update on Trooper Dante! I haven't been keeping up for the past week or two b/c partially b/c I was just too busy and partially b/c I couldn't bare face the facts. I had followed when Ethan had passed away and although I felt sorry I didn't have the connection withhim that I do with Dante. I have known Joey since the expecting group on ivillage. I remember the posting of when he was born and his special ceremony that his family celebrated after he was born. I remember all the new posts and pics she posted of him. And then I remember the day she announced he was sick... had been sick for a while and now has Leukemia. I remember being devestated then but optimistic recover was good. I know that from experience with my cousin. But then last night her post, broke my heart. She was actually able to type the words "our son is dying" there is "no cure" I was shocked. I sat there going through all her old pics and just crying. I wanted to wake up Andrew and bring him to bed with us. I literally fell asleep crying. I don't know how they are doing and I pray every second for a miracle.

I do believe in miracles...... All this reminds me of my feelings of my cousin John (who is like a brother to me). He also had Leukemia (but many many years ago where survival rates were much lower). I was like 10 the day they told me to go in and say goodbye b/c he would not last the night. I talk about that day often, but I never remember the emotions I had at that momemnt until last night. I know those feelings I know those emotions, it is like nothing I have ever felt before. I have lost others in my family but this was just so different. John found that miracle and now has 3 children, and I hope that Dante can find that Miracle to.

I feel bad they live fairly close to me and I can't seem to find the time to go visit, but I know if God decides to take this wonderful little boy from this world I am going to be there for whatever they plan. Hopefully after the holidays I can just go visit him and I plan to! I want to! I want to meet the Trooper!

I sit here crying and this isn't even my child and I couldn't even imagine.......

So please Pray for Dante!

Losing my mind...

So Nikki is about the same maybe a tad worse, but I took her to my exotic vet Dr. Monaco, who I totally trust. He feels she is not a surgery candidate and to continue with what we are doing. But I am totally losing my mind. She can't get up fast enough to go out, she can't get into position to go to the bathroom so she is just kind of "exploding" in my house. All day I have been cleaning up after her, on top of everything else. It is heartbreaking watching her but I know I just have to give it some time.
On top of that my bf P is just driving me crazy. I am tired of the immaturity and bs and although I hated doing it I pulled out of going Friday night. I am crushed b/c I was SOOO looking forward to going. I just feel like things have changed in, I don't exactly know in what way but things definately feel and seem different. IDK I have too much other stuff going on in my life to deal with this.
I know I just had a weekend away but I already feel like I need another vacation, and I don't feel like this holiday season is going to be fun or easy for that matter.

you know what...

I DON'T CARE!!! I have too many stresses in my life to care about a fucking dinner. I mean I was pissed and angry and upset when he started telling me this. Oh and then he says to me "i didn't say I wasn't going just that part me didn't want to go" Well guess what why should I go with you to something that you don't fully want to go to. Especially since I have been so excited about it for a while now. You know what thouhg, I am sitting here going about my business realizing that I really don't care anymore. I can't deal with his bullshit and his weirdness anymore. I love him to death and I know your best friensd are supposed to drive you crazy, but I just can't deal. I mean yesterday he promised to watch Andrew while he napped so I can take Nikki to the surgeon. He got pissed off at his dad or something I have no idea, I made one fucking joke and he went crazy, had a littel tantrum like a 2 year old and I made comment to that and what does he say "oh and what am I supposed to be doing at 2pm" YOu know what don't do me any fucking favors, how dare you use that as leverage. I was like forget it I can do it without you. I guess this is what I get for becoming friends with a someone so much younger then me. I should have learned.

What am I to believe....

So I was all excited, my friend P invited me to be his "date" for his company's holiday party this Friday. I hang out with alot of them and I don't mind going so I said why not. I have been pretty excited about going it should be fun. He is a bit nervous b/c well there are some rumors going around about us but who cares, we know what are relationship is so does Kevin and that is all that matters it is no one elses business.
So now... Tuesday... 3 days before the dinner he tells me he doesn't want to go. He says it is b/c of his company. Then immediately says "you know it doesn't have to do with you right" Of course it does. You wouldn't have thought that or felt guilty about that.
I have made arrangements b/c Iw on't be at bowling. I told others that I couldn't go to an event with my company b/c I was going to this thing, I made arrangements with the sitter and now he backs out. And he wonders why I am pissed.
Of course I am pissed, how could I not be! Whatever! Now I don't want to go either. I wish Kevin could find out for sure if he is working Saturday b/c otherwise I would say lets just go back upstate right away! ARGH!!! Now I am in a bad mood and he is supposed to come over for dinner tonight. You know what maybe I don't feel like doing htat either.

Great weekend... but ends bad...

I had a great weekend with my friends. But I came home to find Nikki acting the same way she did before her surgery in September. So we rushed her up to the vet and they feel she may have another disk injury. We have to go back tomorrow to meet with the surgeons again. not necesarily to have surgery but b/c she is there patient. The vet today is hoping that we can keep it under control with medications but we will have to make some permenent lifestyle changes. Obviously she is going to be prone to this. All of the changes seem pretty doable I just don't know what we would do if she needed surgery again. We just can't afford it and both Kev and I agree we are not going to part with her over this. Plus I just don't want her to be in pain. So right now she is on some steroids and some painkillers and pretty knocked out. And I guess we wil get the verdict tomorrow. Wish us luck!

Santa...

So we went to see Santa on Wed. He was a very nice Santa, we chatted for a while and he and Andrew played with some cars and had a good time.
Well turns out Santa died the day after we saw him. This really makes me sad. I mean not hysterical but it was quite shocking to hear.
I want to send the pic to the family with a little note about how much Andrew enjoyed his company.

Quick update....

Well I hope everyone had a nice Thanksgiving. Ours was kind of mixed, Andrew woke up with the same cold I have been fighting. So he was good for a while but he couldn't handle the lack of a nap which if he was feeling better he probably would have been fine. It just meant that we missed our last stop. But otherwise it was nice.
Yesterday I had a great day. Nothing was going to bring me down and I even finally had a good night at bowling and had fun with my friends last night at the firehouse.

But the one thing I had to update with was what Andrew did this am. He was watching Mickey Mouse this am while we were getting dressed. And he picked up my bra, held it up and kept calling it "Mickey Mouse" I thought it was just way too cute.

I have some great pics with from the duck pond I will upload them soon!

Not sure why.......

but Kevin reading my blog bothers me!

Last night I decided to spruce up the blog (I hope you all like the changes). So Kev asked what I was doing I told him and he asked if he could see. I figured I would just quickly show him what it looked like and be done with it. But instead he asked to read it I immediately said no. He went off in a huff and got pissed off. Idk I feel like this is like my diary, my vents, my inner thoughts. So of course I caved and was like Fine here and handed him my laptop. I don't know how much he read but he came upstairs like "what was so bad about that" I was like "b/c it is mine! and that I didn't want to talk about it"

I know others read it but it was different letting him read it. I mean it is nothing he doesn't know but still Ifeel like we are open about everything he knows everything about me this was my one thing. I don't even know why it bothers me I wish it did, but I thought maybe this am when I woke up I would feel better but I don't.

Some words.....

Isn't it amazing how just 1 or 2 words said by a certain someone could just make you melt.
I have posted alot about E lately, I miss his friendship alot.... Hanging out with him Friday just reinforced that. I have to admit there are probably more feelings then just friends when it comes to E, but it is just nothing that would ever happen nor would I really want it to happen. I am very happy where I am but it is a part of life that you find someone that you feel very strongly for.
Ironically he feels the same way about his ex (who happens to be the girl that I am concerend Kevin has feelings for).....
I actually was just chatting with E.... we talked about us, and our friendship/relationship. Which in the past was not something he ever liked to talk about, I was glad to hear that he was willing and open about things. I still don't fully know his complete opinion on me but even if I did know or even if he did like me as more then just a friend what difference would it make, besides that it is a bit of an ego boost.
But he is super busy and misses hanging out.... I then asked "do you miss me?" and I immediately commented "probably not" His response... "of course" Those two words actually made me cry.... Having such low self esteem I always just thought he didn't want to be my friend anymore and I was kind of chasing him around.... But part me felt like, he tells me stuff he doesn't tell anyone else, he trys to contact me lately it isn't always me contacting him and that makes me feel like he does appreciate my frienship.
I guess I just never realized how some people can mean so much to me. I feel so blessed to be developing these friendships with these people. I mean P, E, G, now even R and of course H (she's the best).

SO MUCH FUN.....

Wow I needed that... I went out last night with my friends and I had so much fun. I really haven't had that much fun in a while. E was even there, I haven't been able to hang out with him since school started and he was there having a good time since he didn't have to get up in the morning. I miss him so much, I didn't realize how much I miss his friendship and companionship until I spent time with him again. It sucks b/c are schedules are so crazy we just can't seem to find the time except for some occasional phone calls that often get interrupted by something. But I have come to the conclusion that he is not not talking to me b/c he doesn't want to but b/c he is busy and I can respect that. B/c when we do talk it is the same way we used to and I feel like I really do mean alot to him as a friend, he tells me shit that he doesn't tell anyone else.

Actually the night didn't start out so great... I had some more issues with P but I have come to another conclusion that I am not going to expect anything from him. If I expect less then there is less dissapointment. At first I thought I was expecting too much but I am really not expecting anything more then any good friend would expect but apparently he is incapable of this. He knows he does wrong but after the fact, he doesn't realize before or during these mistakes that he is hurting me. ANd yes he always feel bad but stop making me feel bad and fix it. But I know this could take time and I am willing to stick by his side and remmeber that he has problems that need to be dealt with and attempt to not take it so personally which I always do.

WEll I have my first scrapbooking get together. I am excited but I am nervous that no one will buy anything. But I sure do hope so! Wish me luck!

Ups, downs, good, bad... and I got a cold

Things have been really up and down all week. Still the schedule thing which seems to be getting better. I feel like I don't see Kevin or get a chance to really talk to him but there is just so much going on. We are still doing renovations on the deli which is going well but slow. I think it helped boost her morale. As for boosting my friends morale, I don't know what else to do for him. I tried to make the suggestion of eliminating the smoking at least the smoking done by himself. I think it helped, but apparently he didn't see that and went right back to it. Unfortunately he needs to make the decision and realization on his own and I can not change that. It is just hard to deal with it when I have my own problems to deal with.
ALthough Kevin is finally making money I feel like we are deeper in the whole then ever. I just don't see us getting out of it. Anytime I think we have the money to do something, something comes up. Health Insurance, property taxes... it just all adds up. I thought I would help by becoming a Creative Memories Consultant but I can't seem to get anyone to commit to a get togheter. I had 2 booked for this weekend. I was so excited. And now it turns out that one is already going to get rescheduled. I feel like once I get one or two get togethers under my belt I would get more from that and get rolling but I can't even seem to get that.
Andrew is cuter then ever. Everday he does something so cute. Actually I should upload on here the video of Andrew doing the cha cha slide at my uncle's party last week. It is just way too cute. I have to say for a 2 yr old he is very well behaved and very smart. I just feel like he understands so much even though he may not be able to verbalize everything. I have put the speach eval on hold for now b/c I think he is just a typical 2 yr old and I am going to give it time to see where his speech goes.
As for me I have a cold... it sucks!

promises

why do people make promises that they know they can't keep. I mean I only asked for hte promise to help. I guess my help wasn't wanted. Then I don't want to hear your shit when things aren't working out b/c you didn't keep your promise. ARGH! I should have never even bothered asking b/c I knew it wouldn't work. But whatever I don't care anymore. Throw away your life. I am not your mom or your girlfriend to ask for this promise anyway so why bother......

been slacking...

I know I have been slacking... There has been so much going on. I am still trying to get used to Kevin working nights and that I am alone alot but that seems to be getting better.
We had a fantastic weekend, went and celebrated my uncles 80th birthday which was alot of fun visiting with family I have not seen in a long time. We even had a chance to have a nice family day on Sunday and went to a children's museum in NJ. AND I got to see my friend. She was my maid of honor I have known her forever. She is 18 weeks pregnant and just a few weeks ago her husband was diagnosed with a brain tumor. He is doing ok but obviously this is a major blow.

THe other thing I have been dealing with is his friend and his depression. I don't know what to do for him anymore and I find myself feeling the same way I did a few years ago. I had to push my best friend in the whole world away b/c I mentally could not deal with the issues. I have my own problems that I have to keep under control. I want to be a friend for him and be there for him but I find myself not knowing what to do for him. And when I back away he gets more and more upset. I am afraid for him. I am afraid he will do something stupid. He says he won't be he just hates his life. I have told him several times he needs to get help and he just out right refuses. I just don't know what else to do. Kevin thinks I am codling him but I am just tryingto be his friend.

Money still isnt great but I know that it will get better with Kevin working so much but geez is it stressful!

On a good note... we are starting major renovations to the deli this weekend to surprise P's mom. I am so excited to do this. I think she needs it and the business needs it and it is just really exciting.

I will have some pics again soon... I promise!

I am a horrible mom!

So today I did something I swore I would never do. I had done it once before when Andrew was much younger and didn't understand things and had his finger in an outlet. But it broke myheart then and it broke my heart today to actually smack is little tush.
He was just being HORRIBLE!!! This is one of the worst I had seen him. I don't know how to deal with punishments or anything when they just laugh at you. I threatened him with a time out "Andrew do you want to go into time out?" which I have to say 90% of the time he stops right there but this time he answered "yes" Now what do I do. Finallyout of desperation I smacked his little tush. Not hard, but enough. OMG I hated my self for doing it. I hated the wholse scene.
Then he broke my heart even more by saying "mommy hurt!" OMG!!!!
I don't ever want to do that to him again but at the same time there are just times where nothing works. Most of them time he is super super good but those rare occasions every bit of technique that I have been taught over the years.... nothing works. SO what do I do???
Argh I suck!

hmmm....

So this has been bothering me for quite some time. And it is a little hard to explain.... but Kev and I are very open with our feelings and our outside relationships/friendships. We can both be VERY flirty when we want to be probably more then most other married couples would be but we are totally ok with it.
As I have mentioned in other posts I got out over the weekends I have a good time, I flirt etc.... He knows about it all and is fine with it b/c I tell him everything. I mean he watched as E and I were dacning and holding each other and he didn't care b/c he knew I was having a good time and he knows I am going home with him.
So know Kev has become friends with this girl. She used to be my friend but for some reason she doesn't talk to me. I always feel like things are so secretive between them. I honestly don't think anything is going on perse but I feel like there is an attraction there but one or even both of them. And again i honestly don't care if there is but anytime I bring her up Kev goes on the complete defensive. A while back I accused him or her of having a crush or whatever and he went back and told her this and I think this is why she doesn't talk to me anymore.
Things got worse when she invited him to her halloween party and not me. I just thought that was kind of wrong.
Now the other day during a fight she came up and he stated that she wasn't her friend that they chatted once and they were not friends. That just made things seem even weirder.
So now apparently at this halloween party over the weekend she was ALL over him. Ok again fine but why deny it. Now apparently he owes her a dinner??? What is that for? He doesn't remember. But now all this and she isn't even your friend.
Again if he has feelings that is fine but tell me... don't deny it. Idk, I don't want to bring it up b/c I don't want him to go ballistic on me but at the same time I want to know what is going on.

What not to wear.....

Yeah not sure why these are made in plus size... it should be outlawed... but seriously fat people should NOT wear a thong. It is not sexy, it is not attractive... yeah no!

Halloween party last night

Patrick, Goober and me



Eric and I



Alyssa, Melissa, and I



Alex and Scott in his "costume"



Tommy, MJ and Adam

Pumpkin Carving

Halloween party at Gymboree

WOW what a great weekend

I have had so much fun the past few days. THere were my sad lonely moments like on Halloween trick or treating with just Andrew b/c Kevin was at work and my friends bailed on me (jerks, lol).

I got to spend alot of time with my friends this weekend which was really nice. Was with them Thurs night had some fun.

Friday night didn't get out until after 2 am b/c that is when Kevin got home from work but I still had a blast amyway.

Then last night we had the halloween party. Kevin was there too which he needed to and we had sooo much fun. I turned some heads when apparently E and I were seriously dancing for a while. I was having fun but Kevin was saying that everyone kept looking at him like is he seeing this. Yes he was standing right there and was totally fine with it. it was all in good fun. But I do have to say I enjoyed every second of it.
Sometimes I feel so down b/c I want to be the center of attention, but I am not hot enough or pretty enough to be that one. There is always a girl there that is prettier then me and I am just like one of the guys. But i didn't quite feel that way. There was a moment where he was commenting about another girl but it was just kind of different. I like the attention he gave me at that moment made me feel good about myself. Besides the fact that i looked good. I think that is why Kevin doesn't mind b/c he knows I strive for that and he knows it makes me happy. It was kind of funny. ALso Kevin thinks if he shows that it really doesn't bother him and that he knows about my flirtatiousness then people won't start rumors you know.

As for halloween itself. Andrew was sooo cute. He figured out how to trick or treat right away. He would go up ring the bell, say "trick or treat" pick out candy like he knew what he was looking at, put it in his bag, say "thank you" start walking away and say "happy halloween" SOOOO Cute. I will post some pics from Halloween and from his halloween party and ours.

Really am going to be alone...

Like it hasn't been hard enough to adjust to Kevin working nights it now gets worse.
I mean as it is he sees Andrew MAYBE an hour a day IF that. It is all me now. And I am already feeling the stress. I have been very fortunate in the fact that we have pretty much split the time with Andrew and things have just kind of worked out but this is just a HUGE change.
But I was dealing with it. My friend was coming and visiting with me after his class or for dinner if he was off so I was not 100% by myself. He doesn't help much with Andrew but keeps me company. Yeah well know he got a night job. I am happy for him b/c he needs the job but I just feel so abandoned and alone. I know that is not what is really going on it is just I have such a fear of being alone and here I am alone again.
This sucks! Again I know it has to be but still.... ARGH! why do things have to change, why can't anything just stay the same for at least a little while.

YAHHH!

KEVIN GOT A JOB!!!

He called called into the union b/c of his friend.... Only problem is that it is 4 - midnight. So it is a bit of a change and an upheaval but it is work and there is a chance of continuous work! They were already impressed with him the first day so I sure do hope so.

Had a crazy weekend. Went pumpkin picking again, did alot of hangingout, haunted house etc. IT has been really nice b/c Kev and been with us. Fun fun!

So this weekend is much better then it has been in a while. I will keep you all updated.

Old Friends...

So last night I went into the city and had dinner and coffe/dessert with my first college roomate and suitemate.
It was so great to see them! I have not seen either one them in at least 2 years! I miss them so much.
It is amazing how even though we don't talk often and we barely see each other that it was as if it was old times agian.
We chatted shared info that you would normally only share with a roomate and it was great. Especially with all these emotions of my friends and lack of friends. I know deep down I ALWAYS will have the two of them!
We took some pics on a dispoable digi cam but I want to use it up first once I do I will upload them!

WHAT a day!!!!

OH geez... first of all my day started out crappy. Where AGAIN Andrew had a meltdown during soccer and we left early. I called Kevin and our friend S picked up. And he rambled something about Kevin and a ladder and I was like ummm ok, yeah. I didn't understand him, I just assumed he was balanced on the ladder and was busy.
So on my way into town (I knew we had a call) but I saw the ambulance heading towards the hospital with a cheif escorting and the first responder car. Ok weird.... I call P and he had no idea what was going on... THen I see 201... ok even weirder. I stop get gas and say lets drive by the job site.
I pull up to the jobsite, no one is there... well that is weird... For some reason I looked at the house number and went wait... The call was at the house!!!! So I called Kevin again, which let me tell you it was such a relief to hear his voice. I asked him what happened "I scalped the chief!"

So basically, one of the chiefs from the fd is working with Kevin and a few other guys as a temp thing. And he went up the ladder behind Kevin who was operating a circular saw, as he finsihed his cut, the chief came up and climbed right into the saw. Kevin said it was scary and bloody. He thought he decapitated the guy.
Turns out he just cut a palm size gash off the top of his head. No skull damage and the guy never lost consiousness. And was released a few hours later with lots of stitches and staples and a very LARGE bandage on his head.

So we spent most of the day at the hospital. Did get to visit my uncle while we waited. It was just crazy.

Kevin is ok... shaken up but he says he is much better knowing that his friend is ok. Which he is! The jokes have already started and I think that will help him dealw ith it.

Geez it could have been so much worse!

Self-destructive has just become destructive

So my own insecurities, self esteem issues and overall self destruvtive behavior has peaked at being destructive.
My actions are beginning or maybe they have all along and I never recognized it, but they are hurting my friends. The people I love and care about the most are getting hurt b/c of my problems.
I don't know how to fix this. I am ruining some good things that are going on in my life. Argh I really know how to screw things up.

some pics

Now that my pc is up I can uplaod a few pics. We went upstate for a Fall Festival and Pumpkin picking...








My little monkey at the playground. He in insists on going on the BIG kid jungle gym.