Wow... I don't know what I would do....

So my BEST friend the person I talk to and spend the most time with is having alot of family problems and apparently his parents have decided to sell the house. This looks and sounds like this potentially could have a horrible ending at least in my eyes!!
He could leave... leave Baldwin... leave Long Island...
This would just be a horrible situation. Might be good for him... but I got noone here. ALL Of my closest friends live a minimum 1 hour away, I don't have that person or anyone around here that can be with me when I need, meet for a quick lunch ANYTHING! Seeing any of my closest friends is a challenge. I know they are there for me as I am there for them, as I know my friendship with him would continue but for the first time since I left college OVER 10 YEARS ago, that I have this. In college my friends were all near by... we graduated everyone went their ways and I just never found that niche here I never found that person here it just never happened. And now the possible thought of him leaving breaks my heart.... I could be over paranoid maybe he will stay in baldwin but idk how.
Its ironic b/c my tenant told me last night that he is moving out at the end of his lease and my friend and I discussed that he could MAYBE take the apartment, but there are just so many what if's and I hate uncertainity. I hate no knowing, I hate that there is a GREAT chance my best friend ever will no longer be in the same town, the same fire department, the same bowling league.....
You know recently I realized things are going well... things are starting to FINALLY improve in my life, things were finally lookup and well I was finally happy with everything! I knew it was just too good to be true and that it would end... but so soon?????

Wow!!!

So first of all an update on the soccer situation. The coach finally called that night, she was just shocked. She has never seen anything like this happen she doesn't feel that Andrew is like this at all and was very surprised by what happened. I also spoke to her today, these ladies are not her friends, she does know them b/c their kids are all in the same grades but she isn't like go out and have coffee with them type of friends. She obviously doesn't want to choose sides b/c of course it is also a business, but you could tell she felt really bad. She said she loves Andrew and would hate to see us go but she was willing to give us a refund. We ultimately decided to pull him out of that class and put him in a new one. It sucks b/c it is on Mondays and I was looking forward to do some special things with Andrew on Mondays especially with the warmer days coming, go to the park, zoo, aquarium. But I will figure something else out.

Yesterday and Saturday was crazy. Had a really bad wind storm with hurricane quality winds. trees and wires down everywhere. I wanna say Baldwin had like 85-100 calls or something crazy like that!! And our dept dinner was Saturday night and had to be held by candle light. I chose not to go, had no desire to go. I had to work OFD yesterday and boy that town is a mess, we ran calls all day and we had a hard time getting anywhere with all the street closures, downed trees and downed wires.

So on a super exciting note. We took Andrew for his speech evaluation today. The teachers felt he was very garbled and drooled alot. So at this age they do a psych eval in addition to the speech. At the psych eval they did a child IQ test, tested his nonverbal and verbal skills and he then went over the results with me. So speech wise his vocabulary is in the 82nd percentile which is above average and his speech is at 53 percentil which is average. This is where hte problem is. With such a big discrepency that is why his words are mumbled, however the speech percentile is not low enough to qualify him for services. Now the results of the IQ test.... in non-verbal skills, we are talking thought process like doing puzzles, layout a pattern in cubes and copy it.... as the psychologist said he did "PHENOMENAL!!!" he said this several time. He scored in the 99th percentile!!! On his verbal skill she wa sin the 88th (I can't remember exactly right now). This combination put him in the 98th percentil for overall intelligance. Anything above 98 is considered gifted. My son is borderline gifted. I am so excited! THey were SUPER impressed with him, all smiles all excited. It really made me feel like a great mom and I am SOOOO Proud of my little man!!

My son the bully.....

Get the fuck out of here.... I have just been told by these 2 fucking stuck up bitches that my son is a bully. Said each week he choses a new kid to pick on, and that all he does is push and hit kids. And that I must be blind that I don't see this. That I don't know how to discipline my child and I am not teaching him the right things and that I just sit there on my fat ass and let him do these things to these kids. OMG I have never been so fucking horrified in my entire life. I wanted to crawl into a hole and die. I was so mortified. Then Andrew came out of class all excited b/c the coach let him take an inflatable soccer ball home. I fucking deflated the thing and told him he had to go give it back to coach Heidi that he didn't deserve it b/c he is a bully. Which obviously he was hysterical saying he was a good boy and he didn't push anyone and that he isn't a bully.
I have never seen this child do anything malicious. When I see he is being mean or doing more then be "playful" I would jump in. I don't jump in for every little thing b/c he needs to learn he needs to learn that he has to listen to the coach or the teacher or whatever. This fucking C*nts have no idea what I teach my son, they don't know what I say to him. Just b/c there little fucking prima donnas are little tattle tales and that means he is a bully. even the poor woman sitting next to me agreed once or twice thats what little kids do. They are fucking 3 years old. I am not trying to use that as an excuse but geeze, he isn't purposely hurting anyone. Sure he fights over a ball or a cone or something but geeze all kids do that, he will learn with time over that.
OMG I am just horrified by this whole expereince I don't know if I should pull him out of this class like I said I would b/c then they win, this little bitches got exactly what they wanted. Or if I keep him in and prove that they are wrong. I don't fucking know what to do.
My mom wants to go down there, I dont' want her to get involved.
ARGH!!!! And now I have to go to a job interview with this on my mind.....

Still sad

So I find myself thinking of these things, whats this going to be like without Mike what about this, who is gonna do this. The services are not until the weekend... and we are not bowling this week. To me this drags out the healing process. I am dreading bowling, I don't know if I will be able to not cry, I don't think I am strong enough for that. THis has been one of the hardest loses I have dealt with in a LONG time!!! I worry the bowling league will fall apart without him. I dread walking into Hose 1's room and not seeing him behind the bar.
I feel like a loser at the same time. I mean I am so saddend my this, I am in so much shock by this it hurts sooo bad. At the same time, it is not like we were best friends. It is not like we would call each other on the phone or anything, but I have none him for so long, I have shared moments with him, shared times with him, bowling probably being hte biggest thing. I want to wear my old bowling shirt, but a. I feel silly and b. I don't think it fits, lol.
When the does the pain stop, I can't be walking around constantly holding back tears.... especially with the fire departmnet I need to be strong.
It sucsk I can't go to the firehouse, I am relieved of duty bc of my lack of call average I want to go there I want to start being able to be at the bar and not cry. At least I get to go to the department services in uniform! I am not going to the funeral. Part of me wants to, part of me doesn't. But instead I am going to work for Eric so he can be there for the arch.
This weekend is gonna suck and hurt sooo bad. Everyone I talk to his in such shock! I wish my lt never told me that he had this look of fear on his face before he passed that just makes it feel so much worse. I wish I could have helped, I wish I could have been there for him. But I wasn't and I can't change that.
RIP MIke!

Rest in Peace my friend....

a friend of mine passed away last night. Truley sad! Mike was a wonderful guy. I mean I know people always say nice things about someone after they pass but he really was great. Ive known him for what feels like forver, almost 15 years. He taught me to bowl, he cared, we had good times together. I know I wasn't one of his closest friends but I know that if we ever needed he would be there as I would have been there for him. It was just so sudden.... we bowled Friday night, Saturday there are pics of him out with everyone with a mutual friends birthday, Sunday he was at the firehouse, Monday he was even on calls and then Monday night the call was him. He was 52, that scares me... Kevin is only a few months younger, really hit close to home.

Its been a while since I have lost someone this close. There have been several over the years especially with the fire department, friends of family etc, but been a while since it was someone this close and I am not sure I am dealing with it too well. At first I was numb, then I sat here and it hit last night. I was chatting with a few friends, I had to get out, a few of us got together had a few drinks, it was good tired me out so I could fall asleep. Now I am home alone, everything every thought makes me cry. Bowling will NEVER be the same, the kids he works with, his dog, the firehouse with never be the same. He was such a part of everything. So I find myself randomly crying, even Andrew couldn't get me to smile.

There are talks that services and stuff won't be until the weekend. They need to do an autopsy, his best friend is the caretaker of the funeral home and he can't do it, can't say I blame him, so they need to call in someone else to take care of things. So that will just drag this out.

Very sad....

Rest in Peace Mike.... everyone will miss you and you will never be forgotten!

ups and downs and a Happy Valentine's

So things have been kind of up and down. There are talks of some work for Kevin and I so hope so. THere is a really big job that could potentially be 2 years which would be awesome. But there are a few others, he seems to get rave reviews and everyone at that company really likes him. I truly think they will keep him working and I think they are trying there best. I am just tired of the every quarter worrying about the health insurance. I am hoping the FD will go full time, then I can get insurance with them and not have to worry. What is nice if I stay here is that it only be like 3-31/2 days a week which is awesome babysitter wise.

On a good note, we got our mortgage modification. This is amazing and bizarred at the same time. I was a little scared initially but the savings makes it so worth it. Basically they take a large chunk of the mortgage and put it aside until the mortgage matures or I sell the house, so I only pay off and pay interest on about 1/3rd of my initial mortgage. Which in 40 years I don't think I will have to worry about it and I am sure the house would be sellable for at least that amount so Andrew wouldn't get screwed over, if we are still there in 40yrs. So basically my payments are 1/3 of what they used to be and no includes my taxes and homeowners. So this is a good thing.

Andrew is doing good, he broke my heart the other day and told me that he loved everyone else better then me. I don't think he meant it, but boy it actually made me cry! He hasn't had his speech eval yet, still trying to figure out how to fill out the STACK of paperwork. He is currently obsessed with monster trucks since seeing them.

As for my friends and things, I guess things are ok, I just have to deal that people aren't as considerate as me and if I expect less then there is less of a dissapointment.

So thats the past month in a nut shell I guess. I am gonna try to update more frequently.

update

Well, we had parent teacher conferences today for Andrew. So cute he even got a report card! He is doing well. Few things to work on, he is a little low in the confidence, he tends to play on his own alot. But they are going to be starting "show and tell" and she thinks that will improve. He sometimes doesn't listen and he is getting pretty good at writing and they are starting to practice writing his name and recognizing his last name.
The only concern is his speech and drooling. She wants him to get evaluated for his speech she says he is very "mumbled" and has problems with certain letters. Really doesn't take me by surprise at all. We were going to have him evaluated a year ago, had paper work put in and everything and then decided not to was hoping that school would help improve his speech but obviously tht is not the case. So I will call the school district tomorrow and go through that process again. She is also concerned b/c he really does drool alot, which he does. She is concerned this is something out of there wrelm of being able to handle it. She thinks we need to go to the pediatrician that it might be reflex problem. So I also need to take him to the pediatrician.
So we will see how all this goes. Otherwise I was very happy with his report!