and it goes on

Sometimes I think I'm gonna be one of those people who will end up lying on the couch of my shrink's office while I talk convolutedly about my seemingly important problems to him who in turn will intermittently mutter "uh-huh" to make it seem like he's mildly interested and then I will walk out of that office convincing myself that I feel better and I will believe that delusion for a while and hours will pass and then I'll feel empty again and the whole cycle repeats itself.

Lucky to be coming home again.

So it's Friday night, and I'm stuck here all alone in the condo instead of enjoying the Manila nightlife. Why oh why do I have to fall sick? Despite the inconvenience, I'm not exactly surprised since there hasn't been a time when I came back to Philippines that I did not fall sick. I blame excessively sanitised Singapore for the development of my weak immune system. Stupid alikabok (dust).KJ (Kill-joy) talaga. O well, I'll just stay home tonight, drink lots of calamansi juice and boiled ginger and water, stick to strict medication and thus hopefully fasttrack my road to recovery. I will not be beaten by a stupid flu/cold/cough/whatever it is!


Because of this, one of my things-to-do-before-i-turn-30 is to live here for a couple of years to train my immune system. Haha. Of course, that's not the only reason. I need to learn how to live here. I feel like an extremely pampered loser whenever I come here. I'm 20 and I still don't know how to commute in mind boggling MM (even puny Tacloban City)- and taxi does not count. And I'm still intimidated by the brashness and other attitudes of Filipinos I'm not regularly accustomed to. I am but a mere observer to the organized mess that is the norm for people here, and I watch, mostly from my semi-comfortable air conditioned taxi/hired car. It's a city(cities) whose ugly side I've been protected from most of my life, a culture I've been selectively immersed in. In a sense, I don't understand. I know bits and pieces, but I can't confidently say I understand. 

Straddling between realities, neither one feeling completely right. How do I reconcile this conflict in identity? 

i need a sorting hat for my thoughts

I wish I knew where the switch to my 'faith' button was. Faith in God, faith in myself, faith in others. Because I'm scared. I'm scared of this growing negativity creeping into every crevice of my heart, my mind, and my soul. There's a saying, "I think, therefore I am" and the thing is, I'm not happy with the person I'm becoming. 

I smile to make myself happy. I don't smile because I'm happy. The only convincing hypothesis I can think of is that maybe,  deep down, I have this twisted belief that I don't deserve to be happy. When I started believing that lie, I don't know, but despite knowing it's a lie, I still can't help believing it and acting on it. And I hate feeling this wretched when I have no reason to be. I who have not lost a great love, I who have not suffered unimaginable loss, I who have not experienced unbearable pain nor depravity, I who have more than many others can ask for. It's baffling, even to myself that I can contain such unfounded melancholy. I'm bringing this upon myself. Somehow I'm choosing to feel this way. Maybe because it's times like this I feel so in tune with myself - because the emotions are so acute, I can't help but pay attention. Whereas, most of the days, I live, on moderate, middle ground feelings. Never fully happy, never fully sad. 

The other thing is that I expect too much of people when I know, I, myself can't do the same for them. And I hate this unreasonable side of me because it just engenders frustration when I follow the script for social interactions. It's very selfish and stupid and there have been instances where friendships failed because of that. And even when I tell myself that I should not expect much, I still do, and it just leads to disappointments (which wouldn't have been disappointments in the first place if I just learned how to accept and not expect). I unnecessarily set myself up for disappointment. Paradoxically, when things become too real for me to handle, I'm the first to back away. Human relationships are so peculiar, difficult and unpredictable. Or maybe it's just me. At this state, I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with me. Haha. 

I need a conclusion.