The future's not ours to see, que cera cera

I wonder what it's like, to drop everything - every routine, comfort, worry, goal, ambition, fear, responsibility, expectation, inhibition - entirely, and just live for each day without the future in mind.

I wonder what it's like, to be aware and present in each moment, without having a constant projection of ourselves into the future - be it images of success or failure.

I wonder what it's like, a life without expectations, implicit or explicit, without responsibilities, without constraints.

Why have we been brought up to live for the future when the 'future' is Time that does not belong to us ?

The rationale behind our every action now is the hope for a better future, for something more important in the future. All this, at the expense of what truly matters in the present.

-------------------------------------------------------------

I.hate.this.

ayoko na.

I...

Finished COM208 Assignment at 3.30 this morning.
Used sheer willpower-i-never-knew-i-had to wake up at 8 to attend COM208 lecture.
Met Rena for lunch and indulged in some kimchi fried rice craving, window shopping, destressing conversation.
Went back to hall to bum around in my room and pack my things.
Got jealous of the squirrel I spotted scrambling up the tree outside - life seemed so simple for it.
Stared at the clouds thought it looked so fluffy so wished I could lie down on it.
Started to feel lazy about going home so I napped for a while.
Woke up desperately wanting to go home to try out playing Songbird by Oasis on the guitar.
Attempted to play it but it sucked royally.
Had absolutely no mood and will to do anything school related.
Surfed around youtube and watched some BOF.
Proceeded to watch MTV followed by Friends then American Idol then TFC.
Had a bum's dinner with my brother - fried dumpling + fried lumpia + leftover burger.
Watched more TV.
Will do work tomorrow.

I'd give myself at least today to escape from the pressures of reality.
TGIF.

I'm tired.

I'm just ranting.

Leche Ka History! As in punyeta to the max!
Ayoko sayo! Ayoko rin sayo LKS! Leche Ka Sobra!
@#$%&!@#$%^@!!

Screwed up my debate thing grandly.
For some reason I missed the crux of the argument (the way HE saw it anyway), and I feel really really stupid. On top of that I feel really irritated for the vile readings he assigned for that topic. It's so WTF. I don't know, my ego just got a jab again. Like how I always feel after debating on something I'm unfamiliar and uninterested in. It's like I badly wanted to get out the whole thing except that I knew I didn't have much choice so I'll just put on a brave (pseudo optimistic but fatalistic) front.

The thing is it's 15% of my grade. It actually matters. I just got back my political manifesto and I don't like the grade I got, in relation to the effort I put it. Those two were major stress inducers and the end result turns out to be a stress inducer too.

Maybe I should S/U the damn thing, ease the burden. But my pride and unfounded sense of confidence and unreasonable need to prove myself makes me think twice.
WTF is wrong with me.

OK. Rant done. I'll read up on 208 now.

Needs. vs. Wants.

I need to start working on my debate speech for tomorrow's History class.
I need to read the chapters on Survey again for 208 so that I have a better clue about what to do for the assignment which is due this Friday.
I need to start brainstorming for our magazine spread for 223 which is due in about 10 days.
I need to start catching up on that damn discussion board for 202.
I need to start working with my group on 202 project which is worth 20% of our grade.
I need to start revising.
I need to stop making food my only remedy for stress.
I need to stop gaining mass at hideous rates.
I need to organize my thoughts and be more articulate.
I need to return all my overdue library books.
I need to decide soon whether I'm going to S/U 'LKS a.ka. Cheers' ' class.
I desperately need to salvage this semester's grade.
I need to make decisions on certain matters.
I need to learn how to trust myself.
I need to take a shower.
I need to stay up tonight to get actual work done.
I need to stop distracting myself on facebook.
I need to stop this.

Great (implicit) Expectations.

Why do you do this?

Tell me to just try my best, that grades are not everything, that I should not stress over my studies, that you're perfectly fine with paying my exorbitant school fees, that I don't have to be at the top for you to be proud of me.

Then you go on to talk about them. Say that it's a shame she's only number 7 and not number 1 and therefore has no chance of getting a scholarship, say that he's not studying hard enough because he's not in the honour's/dean's list, say that because you're paying for his school fees you expect him to excel, say with subtle scoff and disappointment that he only managed to get a second class lower.

Then you go on to tell your story.

And I'll feel so inadequate. Oh so inadequate. Simply because deep down I believe that as a person, I'm not good enough for you. That the only reason you say I'm good enough for you is because I'm your daughter. Maybe that's why I doubt compliments about me - it's not false modesty. I can't help thinking that it's simply because he/she is a relative, a friend, or just generally a nice person who does not want to hurt my feelings (because I do that too).


Subtle indirect expectations. Sometimes I wish you'll just say it all out loud so that my insecurities don't cloud my judgment and make me overanalyse everything.

Stop this Train, I can't take the speed its going in.

Attended NTU open house where I stood and talked for 5 hours straight.

Produced a decent ( in my deluded opinion ) 2000 word political manifesto for my imaginary party in Indonesia during the year 1939. ( I hate you LKS )

Did a decent ( obviously- last- minute -half -arsed -quality) speech for COM205 on, get this, Pink.

Managed to get our draft out for GV11 after working on it for 4 hours.

Finished last minute touch ups on Paparazzi auditions publicity.

Survived on two hours of sleep and a can of Redbull yesterday.

I deserve a chocolate banana cake.

The amount of work is approaching me like a landslide.

COM 223's Assignment will surely suck up a lot of precious hours, which will be spent InDesign-ing and Photoshop-ing.

COM 202 project is demanding attention. So is the discussion board.

COM208's new group assignment is a hassle.

HH202's 10 minute debate speech is pressuring me.

GV 11 presentation next week.

Sigh. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.

3 more weeks till exams.

Someone slap me out of this stupor.

I wonder how I can stay so calm at the face of such apparent futility?

I should be panicking, even just slightly.

A midnight bottle, gonna ease my pain.

On the bright side, there is hope for COM202! I replied to the email our dear Mr. CK sent us and asked him about the discussion board. And his reply was...

" tutors will go back and re-look at new postings in earlier forums, whether graded or not. But this re-visit will be done only at the end of the semester"

I vow to set aside one of these days (and soon) to spam that discussion board to the best (or lack) of my capabilities.

And I went for a check up today and thank God nothing is wrong. Yay! =) Despite not feeling as I'm expected to feel (read: overwhelmingly relieved), I still do feel some semblance of relief. One little nagging worry silenced.

I finally met my new roomie and I like her! Unlike my ex-roomie, she actually likes to use the aircon! She's really nice and she doesn't make me feel guilty for talking because she actually talks back. Hahaha. And she keeps nice food like Loacker Quadratini and Hello Panda. =) I confessed to her that I was so tempted to steal her food last week when she left them right smack on her table when I myself, was low on my food stock.

On the not so bright side, I'm not confident for tomorrow's 208 quiz. I've read through the 4 chapters and the lecture slides but somehow this time, I had problems internalising them. It just felt so...technical and dry. But regardless, I'll still give it the best I can. =)

And I won't be going home back home this weekend (as in to sleep there). I'll probably just drop by to bring my laundry (I'm such a lazy bum - I promise to make it up and do all the laundry during the holidays. lol) and then go to church with them and go to the library.

(Die die must do) Things to do this weekend:
1. 2000 word political manifesto
2. individual speech and presentation slides
3. 10 minute debate speech for history
4. read the 4 history reading for next week.

I foresee redbull. Me stressing out. And COMPLETING EVERYTHING. Haha. I need to psyche myself up.

I just need to survive this weekend and I'll be significantly happier.

If this were the Me last week, I'd be panicking like a crazy monkey and feeling very depressed.
But somehow, this week , a more positive (dare I say optimistic) and calm (or surrender to fate. lol) kind of feeling has taken over. That or I'm being delusional and complacent. I don't know, I don't understand myself these days.

I'll be watching Oasis! Yay! =)

Please remind me to not waste my time anymore so that I'll feel that I deserve to go for the concert? =)

I can and I will.

I so can't wait for this semester to end!

After all, language is arbitrary.

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#O$*@#($*@)I!~!!!
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!aeuoieru0I*(@#!$#*$h.



parang ayaw ko na. =(

It'll leave us wondering...

Two suicides: one student, one staff.
One natural death: Francis Magalona (Philippine's Best Rapper and Hip Hop Icon), leukemia.

All in less than a week.

And even though they're not directly related to me, I find myself quite affected.

Thunder and Lightning ain't making it any better.

Catharsis

I seriously don't feel like doing any schoolwork at all. Which is the opposite of what I should be feeling because the amount of work is piling up. I'm just so irritated, so frustrated, so sick of deadlines and the work that goes with it. Even though I'm usually easily distracted, this time, I'm actively looking for distractions.

I suddenly hate courses with continuous assessment AND exams. The way I see it, I feel the same amount of stress studying for an exam worth 80% and another worth 30% to 50%. Except, for the ones with exams worth only less than 50%, there are assignments/assessments worth 15% which add extra stress throughout the semester. At least if it's only based on the exam, then I can pace myself better without having to worry this week's horrible assignment to finish.

Moreover, the whole G.P.A. system is screwed up. It expects (and forces) people to attempt to be good at everything they do. One hideous grade in ONE or TWO fucking modules out of SIX will cause the overall grade to plummet down. It causes people to spread themselves so thin making them vulnerable to breaking down or snapping. That's why the S/U option should be AFTER the damn bloody exam when results are out. Yeah, people might call it an attempt to "erase" mistakes, but bloody hell, we ain't perfect, and a change in the S/U system might be the only consolation for the acknowledgment of the cruel reality of our own limitations. It's just one of those social structures that perpetuate the idea that we have to be good at everything we do.

Although it doesn't apply to me, I guess the same goes for those trying to get enough points to stay in hall. The more important position you take on in a CCA/club/society, the more points you get. However, at the same time, you get more responsibilities (work), performed at the expense of schoolwork, which simultaneously, you're attempting to be good at.

Sometimes I think the whole motto of "Work hard. Play hard." only applies to naturally smart people. What I mean by naturally smart people, are those with superb memories and are able to grasp ideas/concepts etc. quickly. How about those who need extra time to understand and retain things? Much of that 'extra time' needed will be at the expense of 'playing hard'. I know that everyone can understand anything as long as they try. But the reality is, some people have to try so much harder than others to achieve the same results.

The next 5 weeks or so culminating to the exams will be painful. Not only are there lots of CA there's revision for exams to include.
40 days left. Minus 3 days because I'm going to Penang for a compulsory family holiday Before my exams.

37 days. 37 days. 37 days. I need to get that into my head and start the adrenaline rush.
And PMS is the last thing I need.

Chasing Fireflies, Elusive Dreams

Life is a just one Deadline after another.

As much as I try to stay afloat, the strong currents are overwhelming.

And all I can do is put on a false bravado, a perky facade, be the usual Me.




Genuinely smiling becomes difficult when carrying a heavy heart.

It's a bit untimely, but...

Yesterday's events still seem surreal to me.
It was a rather shocking welcome back to school after the week long recess break.
Monday Blues indeed.

I know each of us have, at some point in time, harbored rather violent thoughts about certain professors when presented with a killer assignment/a ridiculously difficult test etc. I just never expected anyone to actually translate their thoughts into real life actions. (I'm merely speculating. No one knows and will ever know the true reason behind yesterday's incidents) We callously say things like "I could kill him for this!" but never really mean it. They're just colloquial figures of speech that we use to express the degree of our irritation or frustration, but we don't mean it in its literal way. But it's scary when expressions like "stabbed in the back" suddenly takes on its literal meaning.

News traveled fast.
About 5 minutes before the incident (specifically, the jump) occurred, we were walking back to SCI from canteen B. [I just cringe at the idea that if we had stalled longer there, queued up for my Bubble Tea or something, then we would have witnessed something tragic, traumatizing and scarring on our way back]
Then the incident occurred. The Buzz began. At first we thought it wasn't a serious commotion.
A few more minutes later, it was 'confirmed'. Professor stabbed, student commits suicide.
Seriously?
Bala's harping on the qualities that make up news echoed.
Human Interest, Impactful, Timeliness, Prominence, Uniqueness, Proximity. [Isn't it an exciting and relevant time to be doing COM204 now?]

Human Interest, Check. It's violent, it's suicide, it's tragic. Drama.

Impactful, Check. Attack was by a fellow student. In my own university. How can it not impact us?

Timeliness, Check. CNA already had the writing up like 40 minutes after the whole thing. [and to think we (myself at least) took DAYS to write our first COM204 Assignment]

Prominence, Check. It's NTU. Nuff' said.

Uniqueness, Check. I think this is the first case in Singapore. It does echo the Virginia Tech or Columbine Shooting incidents. Thank God, guns are illegal.

Proximity, Check. The fact that it happened like less than 100 meters away, at the 'shortcut' we always use, is disturbing. That route will never be the same again knowing that blood once trailed the pathway and a senseless death occurred there.

I guess people do snap at some point in time. In today's cut throat world, it's easy to understand why.

Now, I'm insanely curious about what the Professor has to say.


My condolences to the family and friends of the guy and the professor. May God see them through this difficult time

failed attempt at a haiku

dark grey clouds hover
above me, around me, I
see Uncertainty,