Don't Ask.

Need to stop, stop feeling this way, before it gnaws away a part of me, and I'll find myself losing another bit of me, again.

Not broken, yet not whole. Not falling apart, yet not intact.
Always almost there, but never really reaching.
Not here nor there; so cliched yet truth resonates.
It is but it is not. Something quite like it, but not really.
So many facades, so many layers, every bit Me, or maybe not.
So many faces, so many names, a tapestry of sorts.
So many hearts, a small dent in each, but never really owning.
Everything and nothing at the same time.


This is my purgatory.

Love Song for Noone - John Mayer

Staying home alone on a friday
Flat on the floor looking back
On old love
Or lack thereof
After all the crushes are faded
And all my wishful thinking was wrong
Im jaded
I hate it

Im tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
So tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here

Searching all my days just to find you
Im not sure who Im looking for
Ill know it
When I see you
Until then, Ill hide in my bedroom
Staying up all night just to write
A love song for no one

Im tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
So tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here

I could have met you in a sandbox
I could have passed you on the sidewalk
Could I have missed my chance
And watched you walk away?

I could have met you in a sandbox
I could have passed you on the sidewalk
Could I have missed my chance
And watched you walk away?

Im tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
So tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
Youll be so good
Youll be so good for me

A Long Walk Down Memory Lane.

On a whim, I checked out my rather-inactive Friendster account then looked through the past (more like ancient) testimonials, you know the days when people actually took the time and effort to write nice stuff about you ? Now, the whole "testimonial" thing has been supplemented by the "comment" system where messages can range from long replies to the quintessential "How are you?!" to the meaningless and very brief "haha". I kind of miss the old days. And feeling nostalgic, I began missing people. A lot of people. From childhood friends to current friends I barely see. So here's shoutouts that'll never be seen...haha.

Marianne and Kaye: I miss sneaking out after lunch to play at your houses when I'm supposed to be having siesta. I miss playing dolls, baking our mud cakes, piko, patintero, chinese garter, habulan, jackstone, cycling, rollerblading, dancing, celebrating our birthdays with big parties, basketball, duyan sa mangahan, going to pulo, eating fishballs taho and halo halo. Grabe, I miss you guys talaga. I want to be 6 years old again.

The guys in BF: They were mostly my older friends so I looked up to them. I miss watching them play basketball. And they were a funny bunch. Kuya Marco, who I had a crush on, was really nice to me. Haha. I miss Joker Kuya Potch, Perverted Max, Cool Kuya Marvin, the Buckingham boys. I also miss Tito Julie and his huge lizard pet! Fishball Man! Tito Dennis! BFG Jabar!

BF Resort Village was the best place to be a kid. I especially miss going to the country club to swim and eat their memorable Spaghetti with Garlic Bread. I miss climbing the watertank hide in the roof while stealing the neighbour's mangoes.

Sa Project 8 naman, I miss Kuya Yeyed and Pongpong! Jolens (marbles) was the coolest game! And I remember how we used to go to the deserted carpack upstairs and play all kinds of games! I miss going to the neighbours house to watch Sineskwela! =)

I never thought it'd happen but Cebu City became my 2nd home. I miss the delicious BBQ food, the lechon and the beaches.

Diane: Now that you're in US, I miss you even more! Totally BFF. I wish my parents had allowed me to hang out more at your house! And I miss Tita and Tito and Aycee. I just want to teleport to US, give them a huge hug and spend the whole night catching up.

Micah: I've totally lost contact with you but I hope someday, we'll see each other again!
Michael: Best seatmate ever! Brilliant in drawing and super fun to talk to. Miss you na talaga.
Les Paul: Another Best Friend. Swimming Buddy. Lunch Buddy (That lucky bastard always had Jollibee then we'll trade). I really really really miss him.
Prime: My rival in school! Haha. It was fun competiting with him!
Hilton: He was really really nice to me. Haha. I think it's because he had a crush on me. Then again he's had a crush on probably all the girls in class. Playboy talaga.
Camille: Brilliant Singer, sweetest friend. Nakakamiss. I wonder where you are.
JD: You may be a chick magnet now but I'll always remember you as the rather effeminate chubby talkative guy who was my bestfriend in Grade 2.

My Carpool Gang! Chris, Rey, Vanessa, Diane, Aycee. Bus rides have never been this fun.
My neighbours! Monica! Lara! Edward (Jingjing- heehaw!), Jackie. I miss all those games we played, the adventures 'down the hill', playing with spiders, cycling exhibitions, getting fries from the nearby resto and sharing it because it was the only thing we could afford, and celebrating birthdays, playing with Magic the Gathering Cards.

I've left out a lot of people, like my teachers (who were the coolest and most memorable).
And that's only my Manila and Cebu Days.

That's why I sometimes hate moving, because you get to know a lot of people and become close to them, then you're parents utter the dreaded words "We're moving to..." and you're forced to say awful goodbyes and not be there to grow up with them. You begin to lead different lives, be different people, know less and less about them until...they become vague memories (Thank God I have a pretty good memory when it comes to these).

I WANT A HUGEASS REUNION.

I really really really...

...don't want to go to school tomorrow. 202,208, and History. My top 3 least favorite modules.
...don't want gain weight. But I am damn it!
...want to drop my History module. It might be interesting but the readings are torture. Historians like to write in a pompous academic language.
...want to figure out what I really want.
...need to lose weigh. My gain in mass is quite disgusting.
...need to finish 208 Assignment.


On a random and rather embarrassing note, last night I dreamt that I had a baby, and I was cooing and cradling her/him so lovingly.
I was saying motherly things like " Give mommy a kiss."
And that cute thing gave me a kiss damn it!
All this after I finished reading Breaking Dawn.
That dream scared the crap out of me.
No. No. No.
My motherly instincts are NOT creeping up in my subconscious.
It's the books fault and my hyper imagination.
Now I dread turning 20 even more.

Yet Another Earworm

I just wanna scream and lose control
Throw my hands up and let it go
Forget about everything and run away

I just want to fall and lose myself
Laughing so hard it hurts like hell
Forget about everything and run away


-Runaway, Avril Lavigne.

At this point in my life...

Faith is an expectation I cannot live up to.

Sleep Laughing

My Aunt said I was laughing in my sleep last night.

I don't sleep-talk or sleep-walk but instead sleep-laugh.

Amusing.

Why?

Knowing that death is inevitable, why do we live as if we have eternity on earth?

Thursday Thoughts.

I think my timetable is such that, for 3 days, I'm drained of my brain power, sanity and happiness. Thus, I see Thursdays as the light at the end of the tunnel. I refuse to do anything on this day. I declare it a sacred day; my Me-time.


Satisfied my sushi cravings today. Bitched about life over a bottle of sake with Nat. I ended up finishing the whole bottle since someone had special orange juice with them. I was quite tipsy. It was only the afternoon. Happy Hour has not even started yet. I just died on the bed when I got home but I woke up feeling significantly less moody, and dare I say optimistic?


Things to do:
1. 202: own notes, discussion board postings,decide topic for assignment
2. 205: own notes, stupid Aesop's fable, individual speech research and outline, speech analysis
3. 208: own notes, critique 3 journals
4. 223: own notes
5. GV11: own notes, choose graphic design, analysis, CA1 presentation
6. HH202: readings till Wk 4, summaries, debate materials


GOAL: Finish everything by Thursday Next Week. 28th January. :)


I'm looking forward to next weekend! Flea Market! BBQ with Sushi family!Meet Chloe and see baby Sarah (finally)!


Time to draw up *The Plan*.


First month of the semester always gets me down. But I'll get over it.

Monday is gonna be the death of me.

Now that I know what it's like to have an almost 9am-9pm day, I need to strategize if I am to survive.
Seriously.

208. Ethics. Makes my head spin. Why can't things be simply black and white? But who gets to define what's black or what's white? Standards of definition mushes the two colors together and thus we get the ambivalent gray. No wonder there is still an open philosophical debate about Absolute Truth - a debate I cannot engage in as of the moment.

205. I said I wanted to become the President of the Philippines. The hilarity of it all. How do you appear sincere and convincing when your bladder demands attention?

GV 11. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. We create our own meanings, so I guess in that sense we'll never know reality as it is because we look through the lenses of our own interpretations.
We analyzed the poster below in class today. The 'proper interpretation' of it would be:

• Godzilla represents Japan while King Kong, USA

• It signifies peace between the two nations where they look beyond the atrocities of WW2 (Especially the bombing of Hiroshima). So the two characters, hold hands together (cooperation) and walk towards a better future (into the sunrise)

But I saw it all too differently. The fact that they were represented by such characters implied that both countries were monsters (at that time). And instead of the caption PEACE, Ginger and I morbidly thought it better as "Together, we can do more damage" *Check out their calculated grins.*

I'm scared that I'm getting a pseudo-education: a student of breadth with not much depth.
Now that I've acknowledged it, I feel obliged to work on it. This I owe to myself.

Eto Nanaman.

Something does not feel quite right. Now if I can only figure out what it is.

Why can't my thoughts flow like elegant prose instead of the usual erratic, meandering and incoherent pop ups?

What is it with me and my inability to focus? It's frustrating.

Inis na Inis.
Wala namang rason mainis.
Gusto ko lang umiyak.

Thursday is Independence Day

It's Independence Day for me today.
Every Thursday, I'm liberated from the clutches of the Evil Digits. (i.e. Course Codes)
So while they have not come up with sly ways to torture me on this sacred day (read: homework,projects,shit-like-that), I will make use of this time to relax.
Ahh, ever true to my Bum nature. :)

I watched cheerleading competitions yesterday! Hall 7's was pure genius. They deserved to win both Best Mascot and overall winners. The whole 'Circus' concept proved that there are people who dare to be different.

Those insanely skinny (and fearless / or extremely trusting) girls were tossed up high in the air as if they were volleyballs being served. And they still had smiles plastered on their faces. They are nuts, not because they're OK with being thrown up that high, but because they're falling from a great height with no form of harness and just 3 guys waiting to catch them with open arms. Talk about trust. I have no qualms about height but I'd rather trust the bungee jumping rope or that huge safety net thing. Hahaha. Yes, I know, I have sooo much faith in humans. Then again, those guys looked pretty strong and capable, and the girls were all so small next to them, so to the guys it must have been like tossing a huge stuff toy up. They made it look so easy. I think guys in Cheerleaders are the only guys who can convincingly sing to their girlfriends, songs with the line " I'll catch you when you fall".

EILEEN! You looked so different! We almost didn't recognize you! You make a pretty good cheerleader!
GRACE and CANPHYLIA! Good Job. I still think you guys are nuts (insanely brave) to be lifted and stuff. Haha. And you guys looked hot in those uniforms!

Reasons I'll never be a Cheerleader:
1. As I mentioned in the above paragraph, I don't trust to be caught when I fall unless the guy is Superman or Edward Cullen. =)
2. I'm OK with heights and balancing from high grounds. However standing on people's shoulders while they hold on to my ankle is an entirely different story. I'm incomprehensibly ticklish. That's why I don't go for pedicures as well.
3. Those teensy-weensy uniforms will reveal my unglorious fats.
4. It's weird having people look up *there* constantly.
5. Cheering. No. No. No.

I like the whole idea of dancing, formations, and acrobatic stunts though. Must be so cool to be able to do all those somersaults!

Then I went to have supper with Hanisah. The queue at McD was ridiculous at 11+. They've brought back TWISTER FRIES! I'm so happy. I saw 2 girls from S01, and I recognised only one. And to think they've been standing next to me every single morning for 2 years. I felt bad that I couldn't remember them but what the heck. Then we walked back to our halls at 12. I love NTU at night. So peaceful. And that little hill up NIE to Hall 16 smells of flowers at midnight. =) So I strolled back to hall slowly and just enjoyed the quiet time.

OK! I will do all my homework today and tomorrow so that my weekend will be free!
My mom is coming back from Dubai!
OK, I can't stand it. I"M GOING HOME TODAY.
=)=)=)
I already miss my Mom and my Dad. I think my Dad called me this morning. I was half asleep when I picked up. So I'm not sure if that was a dream.

I shall go grab my notes from the different libraries, photocopy stuff, buy books, borrow books and GO BACK HOME!

The Recurrent Rant

How could I have forgotten dreams ?
How could I have been too complacent, too apathetic, too ungrateful, too contented with mediocrity?
What have I been doing with my life?
When did I get caught up in this web of insecurities, doubt, and numbness?
When did I agree to let myself slip into the humdrum of life, to be content with just surviving, to be cautious, to be careful, to be sure, to play safe?
Why did I bury my soul, held back my questions because of fear of judgment, allowed myself to believe that I was less deserving, less competent, less talented than the next person?
In doing so, I have wasted years and years becoming a superficial ignoramus whose thoughts and feelings only orbit around her pathetically small little world.
Because I kept my thoughts to myself because of some irrational feeling (like fear and embarrassment), I slowly lost the ability to express myself confidently and clearly.
Sometimes I feel like everything I am now is a mere facade, a persona I developed out of a sheer need to survive.
It's me but it's not me.
I'm stuck in this little red bubble and I've learned to be content with it.
It's only when I go back to Philippines when I manage to poke this seemingly unburst-able bubble and I realise that there's more.
I can't stand this restlessness.
I need a breather.

First Look at Sem 2

It's already the 7th day of the year 2009. The thoughts, the events and the experiences I've been meaning to blog about have begun accumulating. I finally found the time and the will power to sit down and blog in the hope that it would bring about a catharsis. Maybe by the end of the written diarrhea, I'll be able to focus on more important matters, like my awesome 202 readings. =S

So for this semester, I'll be taking up 23 AU's. It's quite heavy but I like the modules I've chosen (whether I'll do well in it remains to be seen) and I feel relatively confident that I will be able to manage it. After all, I did 21 AU's last semester and I was spending 12 hours a week tutoring. Moreover, I still had a social life (I had numerous guilt inducing slacker moments) and my results were decent enough. One whole semester of figuring out how to work with the system should be enough. I have learned my lesson. Or so I hope.

My modules for this semester include:

COM202 : Information Literacy and Interpretation
COM208: Fundamentals of Research
COM 205: Speech and Argumentation
COM223: Publication Design
GV11: Aesthetic and Creative Use of 2D Media
HS207: Understanding Globalization

GV11 was the first lecture I had on Monday. I think it's going to be fun. At least it'll add some color into my otherwise boring core modules. I joined mainly out of interest. I understand that I may lose out because everyone there seems to be the artsy fartsy kind, but what the hell. I'll survive. The ADM building ROCKS.

COM205 was relatively OK. It was not as scary as I anticipated it to be. I do get extremely nervous when I have to say something in public but at least I don't have fainting spells. To be honest, I did not want to go in front and present but in the end I was like, what the hell, and so presented my group's hastily prepared answers with Liz.

COM202: No matter how important I think this module is, I cannot get myself to like it or much less enjoy it. Sigh. I don't like information overload and this module includes sifting through tons of information and analyzing which ones are reliable. I rely on Wikipedia, thank you very much. Facebook and MSN kept me awake at the expense of my concentration. That's why I was so caught off guard when the professor asked " Where's (insert full name)?" I awkwardly raised my hand. I had no idea what was happening. Just a few seconds ago, I was engrossed in a MSN conversation with my childhood best friend whom I haven't talked to for almost half a year. So thank God he only asked me to read a passage out loud and not answer a question regarding his lecture. Saved.

COM208: Content wise, I have a feeling it will drive me crazy. At least the professor is funny. I refuse to say more in case they really DO track blogs. Hahaha.

EDIT (as of 9/01/09): This modules is painful. As in slowly-choked-to-death kind of painful. Even the book looks so blah I'm starting to believe that it is a Dementor in disguise. I need to learn how to summon my Patronus Charm. It'll probably be a hamster. Or a penguin.

I missed the COM223 lecture. HS207 remains to be seen on Friday.

Continued on 09/01/09

HS207: The lecture was tolerable and pretty interesting. People must think I'm nuts to like topics like Globalization. O well. But I'm severely tempted to drop it. Reasons include:
1. Joyce and Sandra dropped the module so I'll be alone (as in no familiar faces) during lecture - not that I can't get to know other people.
2. It's an hour after 208 lecture. There's no one to loiter around with during this time and all I want to do is go home. The idea of ending Fridays at 10 30 sounds heavenly.
3. It's a challenging module. I might not be able to score well.

I just found out COM 223 is S/U-able. So in case I totally suck at it (relative to other more talented people in the same course-and they mostly are), I'll have my fire escape. Such a sissy. Haha.


My Thursdays are off so if I drop HS207, I'll most probably end up skipping 208. Not good. It's a New Year's Resolution to NOT skip lectures. I'm beginning to find this resolution more difficult to keep than my No. 1: Eat Healthy and Lose Weight. -_-. I is torn. Imagine being able to NOT go to school on Thursday, Friday and the Weekend. I don't need to resort to drugs to get a high. Hahaha.

I feel ambivalent about the new semester. This time, as I told Nat, I want to give it my best shot from the start and not play the whole catching up game. I must let Discipline, and not Desperation control me. It's an arduous task for an undisciplined & disorganized slacker like me, but I'll try. This time, I'm going to trust God more, no matter how difficult it is.

Got them...

My thoughts are all over the place and I need to write them down.
But I have a lecture tomorrow and I need to sleep.
I promised not to skip lectures anymore.

It's only the 2nd lecture and I'm already sorely tempted.
Old habits die hard.

I'll write...later.

The Return to Singa-land

And it's back to reality tomorrow.

I have a long list of things-to-do.
Not once did I spare a thought for school related matters during the whole trip.
2009. New Year.

I'm recycling my New Years Resolutions.
This year, I'm attacking them with vengeance.

Clean Roads, Clean Air, See you tomorrow evening.