#$%^&*

so much to do so little time.

what shit did i get myself into.

Thank You and Goodbye Cory

source: calavera comics

I can't seem to articulate the plethora of thoughts and emotions stirring within me at the moment. All I know, is that despite not knowing much about this great woman, her story, her admirable character and her legacy have awakened something I thought I have buried a long time ago: hope. Hope for a better future for a country I still call home. Hope that despite all our differences, we can always find a common ground on which we can unite and work together. Hope that leaders, will not rule only with their political know-how and popularity, but most importantly, with a concrete sense of integrity- a trait severely lacking in our leaders today.

Today I actually shed some tears while watching the live telecast of Cory's funeral mass. I watched how thousands of people voluntarily weathered the erratic downpour, marched with her to her resting place, and said their last goodbyes and all I could think about was how sad it was that such a significant uniting force had to be taken away from the country and most especially from a family that would continue to live on to feel the most acute pain from the loss. But seeing the masses, the yellow confetti, the L sign for "laban", I could feel Hope emanating from the TV screen. It was a strange pseudo-communal experience for a generally apathetic person like me and at that moment, I was very proud to be a Filipino. 

And to me, the L sign will never stand for loser ever again, because from now on, it's Laban (Fight on). 

Because we deserve a better future. And this future is ours to make. 

survived...

30 hours of no sleep. 

and that's all i can say in such a state.

and it goes on

Sometimes I think I'm gonna be one of those people who will end up lying on the couch of my shrink's office while I talk convolutedly about my seemingly important problems to him who in turn will intermittently mutter "uh-huh" to make it seem like he's mildly interested and then I will walk out of that office convincing myself that I feel better and I will believe that delusion for a while and hours will pass and then I'll feel empty again and the whole cycle repeats itself.

Lucky to be coming home again.

So it's Friday night, and I'm stuck here all alone in the condo instead of enjoying the Manila nightlife. Why oh why do I have to fall sick? Despite the inconvenience, I'm not exactly surprised since there hasn't been a time when I came back to Philippines that I did not fall sick. I blame excessively sanitised Singapore for the development of my weak immune system. Stupid alikabok (dust).KJ (Kill-joy) talaga. O well, I'll just stay home tonight, drink lots of calamansi juice and boiled ginger and water, stick to strict medication and thus hopefully fasttrack my road to recovery. I will not be beaten by a stupid flu/cold/cough/whatever it is!


Because of this, one of my things-to-do-before-i-turn-30 is to live here for a couple of years to train my immune system. Haha. Of course, that's not the only reason. I need to learn how to live here. I feel like an extremely pampered loser whenever I come here. I'm 20 and I still don't know how to commute in mind boggling MM (even puny Tacloban City)- and taxi does not count. And I'm still intimidated by the brashness and other attitudes of Filipinos I'm not regularly accustomed to. I am but a mere observer to the organized mess that is the norm for people here, and I watch, mostly from my semi-comfortable air conditioned taxi/hired car. It's a city(cities) whose ugly side I've been protected from most of my life, a culture I've been selectively immersed in. In a sense, I don't understand. I know bits and pieces, but I can't confidently say I understand. 

Straddling between realities, neither one feeling completely right. How do I reconcile this conflict in identity? 

i need a sorting hat for my thoughts

I wish I knew where the switch to my 'faith' button was. Faith in God, faith in myself, faith in others. Because I'm scared. I'm scared of this growing negativity creeping into every crevice of my heart, my mind, and my soul. There's a saying, "I think, therefore I am" and the thing is, I'm not happy with the person I'm becoming. 

I smile to make myself happy. I don't smile because I'm happy. The only convincing hypothesis I can think of is that maybe,  deep down, I have this twisted belief that I don't deserve to be happy. When I started believing that lie, I don't know, but despite knowing it's a lie, I still can't help believing it and acting on it. And I hate feeling this wretched when I have no reason to be. I who have not lost a great love, I who have not suffered unimaginable loss, I who have not experienced unbearable pain nor depravity, I who have more than many others can ask for. It's baffling, even to myself that I can contain such unfounded melancholy. I'm bringing this upon myself. Somehow I'm choosing to feel this way. Maybe because it's times like this I feel so in tune with myself - because the emotions are so acute, I can't help but pay attention. Whereas, most of the days, I live, on moderate, middle ground feelings. Never fully happy, never fully sad. 

The other thing is that I expect too much of people when I know, I, myself can't do the same for them. And I hate this unreasonable side of me because it just engenders frustration when I follow the script for social interactions. It's very selfish and stupid and there have been instances where friendships failed because of that. And even when I tell myself that I should not expect much, I still do, and it just leads to disappointments (which wouldn't have been disappointments in the first place if I just learned how to accept and not expect). I unnecessarily set myself up for disappointment. Paradoxically, when things become too real for me to handle, I'm the first to back away. Human relationships are so peculiar, difficult and unpredictable. Or maybe it's just me. At this state, I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with me. Haha. 

I need a conclusion.

I Gotta Step Outside These Walls

I cling to the days of the past; memories, vignettes, snippets of emotions. 

A tug of war between focussing on the present and revelling in what has passed.

It's time to make new memories, because the same old stories are starting to bore me.

No matter how many times I look back on it, I see the same girl. 

Same, because I can't pinpoint the exact moment I started building walls around myself. 

Feels like it's always been like this. Thing is, I can't remember why.

Random Old Pictures I Dug Up

Museum of Flight(Boeing), Seattle, USA.

 

If my hair was clean cut short, I'd pass of as a dude.

Those were the days I thought huge shirts and cargo pants were cool.

Madame Tussauds, Las Vegas, USA

I met Shaq and I'm a hobbit next to him. 

It's Jordan yo! Coolest ever.

Doing my cheesiest Dial 1800-VOTE-FOR-VAL-1.

I miss family holidays. 

When The Stars Go Blue

(insert expletive in every language) 

It can only mean one thing: 

STARS.

This totally kills my interest in learning. 

It's The Good Advice, You Just Can't Take.

Stuck in a rut, and it's not a nice feeling. Nice, what does that word really ever mean anyway? Idleness makes me feel so contemplative, it's almost always turns into a full blown emo-fest. I can't ever see anything as it is, in a vacuum, without the strings of comparisons to the "others". Expectations, they just keep getting bigger, don't they? It's frustrating when achievements, once big, become nothing but mere expectations. No sense of credit being awarded to you, because it's the minimum you were expected to do anyway. The bar just gets higher and higher and you forget what you were reaching for in the first place. Messed up, so messed up when it shouldn't be. It's all in the mind and I guess, I have one messed up sense of confidence, of self, of expectations, of what life should be. I wish I can see myself the way others see me. Maybe I'm better, through those lenses but the mind does not work that way. It filters, it distorts, it presents thoughts in ways you want it to be presented to you. And because I have problems trusting myself, others, a higher being called God, I can't help but have numerous moments of self doubt, of plummeting confidence, of self pitying/wallowing talk that does nobody good. I don't talk about such things because the next day, I'll read back this entry, rebuke myself for being such a loser, dismiss the issue, put on a smile and "be myself" again. Whatever that means. But the fact is, this is nothing new. I've had the same issues raging in my mind since I turned 13. Every year, I convince myself that it's just a phase. And every year, my confidence does grow but whenever that happens, these ugly unresolved teenage insecurities rear its taunting heads, mocking my failed attempts. Cliche. I hate myself for using cliches. For living these cliches. I need get over my many, many hang ups - known or unknown, real or imaginary. I'm sick and tired of going through the same thoughts. That's why I'm so frustrated. I feel stuck. Stranded on the same ground. And the conflicting thing is that I know I can change it, I just can't bring myself to. Maybe because I love bumming around too much. Maybe it's because I don't care, I'm apathetic and I'm perfectly fine in this comfortable status quo. Maybe because I'm scared once things start to change I won't be able to stick to it, pull through or even accept it. Maybe because I'm scared of losing things and people important to me or that these changes will include realizations that I was never that important to them in the first place. Tangina. I need a good slap in the face. 

I'll shut up now.

Pretend this post never happened. It's 1.27 a.m. and I'm rambling. Again. 

I Want More Days Like This

Lazy Saturday afternoons, 

inelegantly sipping tea

gobbling up delicious Russian chocolates

and watching Memoirs of a Geisha

while living our own Memoirs of a Slob

talking about the past, the present, the future

of food, of school, of love, of life, of food

of scandals and lack of it

witty banters, incurable idiosyncrasies

Botak Jones fries and yummy mashed potatoes 

and pizza with too much pineapple

thunder and lightning, darkening skies

almost never ending conversations

going home, my Mom just came back home from China

big hug and more rubbish conversations 

with semi-drunk parents

almost two hours of nonsensical talk 

and too much laughter

too much Ruffles and Ice Lemon Tea

I love my family.

I love my friends. 

:)

a smile out of place

delicate, breakable lace

shrounds the truth, always

It's The Holidays Yet I'm Writing About School Related Stuff.

My internet connection speed is impossibly slow right now. Unknown powerful forces are conspiring to aggravate my headache. Today's hike around Singapore to deliver the WKWSCI FOC packages left me darker, exhausted and more convinced that global warming is an urgent and serious issue that should be tattooed into people's awareness so that something can be done about it. But that's another serious discussion for another day because as of now, I am rendered incapable of producing even a B grade GP essay.

June and I had an 8 hour adventure of  14 bus rides, interspersed with hours of walking towards both the right and wrong directions, while holding on dearly to our street directory and trusty transit link bus guide to locate the 12 houses, then knocking on strangers' doors, meeting and (not) meeting the targeted recipients and also, desperately fighting the temptation to simply mail all these packages and make our lives so much easier. Unlike some lucky people, we didn't have the luxury of a car (aircon!)  nor the funds to hire a cab (aircon!) for a day, so we had to plan our routes (bus transfers) the night before and what a headache it was. I thought South/South West was not that big (when plotted on the map) but somehow the ridiculously hot weather made the area seem so so big. Despite the planning, we still got lost , especially around Pasir Panjang area. It didn't help that my leg muscles were aching because of  the other day's sudden attempt at sprinting (See previous whiny post).

But we survived and completed our task so it was an accomplishment. 

So if you're one of those we (Junqi and Val) delivered the packages to, you better go for FOC or else. =) 

I'm most probably not gonna be able to make it for the camp because I'll be in Philippines. So sometimes I do ask myself, why in the world am I doing this anyway?! I'm not the biggest fan of camps and stories of other camps horrify me.  I hate camps in general but CS camp was different and I actually had a good time (And no, it wasn't just because of "the hot guy". Haha.). I remember feeling impressed and appreciative of the effort our seniors put in to make the experience more personal, sincere and inclusive. We may not all be the best of friends (far from it) but it really helps to see a lot of familiar faces in school everyday. I remember I was quite shocked when I saw Jin  appear at my doorstep with the package and a big smile around the same time last year. At that time I thought it was all very gimmicky, and I still do, but I guess it worked. 

Anyway, I'm finally very sleepy now, and my headache has ameliorated (SAT word!) without the help of panadol/aspirin thank you very much. I remember we studied how panadol works on receptors or whatever they are but the process eludes me at the moment. In fact, I remember almost nothing from JC Biology and stress-loving me is hoping to take BS101 next semester, a module with an 8.30 lecture on a Monday morning. I'm hoping to do another science as well so that I can clear my GERPE for Science. I wish I knew for certain now if I can go for the exchange program in Year 2 Semester 2 because I was thinking that maybe I can do a Science module there and not worry about it since it's simply a Pass/Fail thing. As for now, I plan to continue torturing myself for next semester. I have a horrible timetable planned (i.e. no day off!) and I might end up with 23 crazy AU's again. It's strange because despite that, I improved by a lot in Sem 2 despite the heavier workload. Maybe if I increase my workload next Sem then I'll improve again. HA! What lopsided, naive thinking I have. 

I will tackle STARS again tomorrow and finalize my timetable planning. I will REstart (i.e. stop bumming around <-- a skill and a love) on my Things-to-do so that I can experience that satisfying feeling of ticking them off. 

I'm extremely verbose these days and I still have a lot of things to write. (*that's for not writing regularly. thoughts, too many of em, accumulate!*)

I know I'm capable of a paradigm shift. But like motivation/inspiration, how long would it last?

Trivial Nonsense Not Worth Reading.

I'm one day shy of a full month hiatus from blogging. Not that I declared any hiatus. God, I feel so inarticulate. I'll just babble incessantly and rant incoherently through this medium, an act so strangely foreign for some reason. Anyway, I actually managed to get my lazy fat ass downstairs for a jog. Let's just pretend that I jogged for more than half an hour non-stop, completed many rounds, and overall, had a satisfying workout. =) Oh who am I kidding. I hate jogging. I'd rather cycle Ubin twice, roller blade ECP three times, swim 50 laps than jog. So I did sprints and walks. More of the latter. But whatever. I'm in serious need of an exorcism. Be gone sloth demon! Even my brother can attest to how lazy I am. Last night, while I was in the middle of watching How I Met Your Mother, my brother came into my room and said, "Hey! Let's go for a run!". I ignored him. "Stop being so lazy! Let's go for a run! 4 km. Let's just follow the park connectors.". The thing is, I was already settled on my bed in such a comfortable position, I could not bare to move much because that would mean a lot of fidgeting and adjusting later. "Come on! Let's go!" I turned to him and glared, "You asking me to move?" He gave me that i-can't-believe-i-have-the-sloth-queen-as-my-sister. I was not the least bit ashamed. Then he something, something so purely evil. "You're growing fat.". And that was it. I put on my running shoes. Dashed downstairs. Outran my brother twice then faced him with a smug expression. Ha. The events I've transcribed may have happened to another me in an alternate universe but what really happened last night was I simply said "You too" and went back to finishing my show. =) Guilt and invisible peer pressure then accumulated in my sleep which induced me to wake up early and exercise a bit. Sigh. But it is true. I need to lose this subcutaneous fat. But I hate running, and running is the only thing that is free, convenient and can be done on your own. Everything else require traveling, payment or company. Shucks. I'm the most undisciplined dieter in history because of the fact that I'm ruled by random cravings. I love food too much to develop any eating disorder. And I don't have enough motivation to be determined lose weight. I'm not exactly obese. No medical reasons. Self motivation is bullshit because I'm too lenient with myself. I don't have any guy to impress. And I'm now so good at nonchalantly shrugging "whatever" to any you-gained-weight comments. GAH. Know what? Screw it. Only vanity can save me and save me it will. I think. 

 

I think I just wasted your few precious minutes if you actually read this. 

wala

Sometimes, I surprise myself with raw emotions that surface unexpectedly.

Ang labo mo. seryoso.
Sino ang niloloko mo?
Alam mo naman na hinding hindi mo aaminin, kaya bakit ka pa nag papaapekto?
Ang labo mo talaga.



Walls built not to keep them out, but to keep them in.


it's a constant struggle between genuine self loathing to serene self acceptance.

=) =)

KRIS ALLEN IS IN THE FINAL TWO!

*squeals in fangirl moment*

Irritating Gokey is GONE! =)

Heartless.

I will cry if Kris Allen does not make it to the finals.

This is pure genius.

Irrational Bitch...

mode is on.

I quarantined myself at home so that I didn't have to restrain myself from being bitchy to people.

With the exception of my brother of course, but he's used to me being like this.




My course is all about Communication - studying how to be a good communicator.
Yet at times, I feel that it's a complete joke because I can't seem to apply it in real life.
My thoughts are disorganized and circumlocutory.
I can never seem to say what I really want to say.
Ha.
What a joke.

I...

need to do something about these relentless guilt trips.



Will start working on the pending things-to-do...

tomorrow.


I tend to overanalyze things. I just pray that the day you confirm my doubts never come.

idk.

I'm forever wrestling with feelings - feelings that are there but shouldn't be there.
They all just amount to frustration when I attempt to sort them out, to put them to words, or to dismiss them.
All I'm left with in the end are just vague little snippets of the raw truth: edited, deleted, refined.
Then those 3 ugly words remain to (un)explain it all: I. don't. know.
I hate being cryptic, to people, to myself.
That, or I'm just truly scared of answering the difficult questions.
I wish I could simply say things without any repercussions. But I know that can never be the case.




i.don.'t.know.what's.real.anymore.

Another Sunday Entry.

I'm having another one of 'em classic cases of wrong timing. It's either important events occur during inconvenient timings or two or more important events occur at the same time. Either way, I'd wish I could split myself in two.

4th May happens to be Important Errands Day. I have to go to the bank/s to settle some stuff for my parents, pay the bills and settle some immigration matters. Geez, I hate thinking about all these: it makes me feel so adult-ish. Seeing real adult bills and cheques with more than 2 zeroes make me scared of being an adult. I don't know why. The procrastinator in me just keeps screaming " Later, later, you can do it later" but my parents specifically set dates (even timings-which I stupidly missed but hope won't cause any trouble) so it must be serious. And I don't do Serious and Responsible well.

Moving on, my PR application has been approved. Yay! At least I can help my parents save some money. Although that means more administrative things to settle. Sigh. So after I run around doing this, I can relax (hopefully not be late) and celebrate my friend's birthday.

However 4th May also happens to be the first day of Senior's Camp, which I'm supposed to go to but I unfortunately can't because I'll be playing my own Amazing Errands Race tomorrow. I'M SO SORRY JUNE/EVADNE!!! =S I'll try to go on Tuesday to Sentosa instead. Beach time! I feel like such a lousy sub-commer. I sometimes wonder why I even signed up for it. My friends know I'm not exactly a camp person but somehow, wkwsci foc was a tad bit different -in a good way - so I entertained the idea of getting involved. In retrospect, I'm grateful they didn't choose me as one of the publicity heads when I tried out together with Evadne. This equated to less commitments during the holidays. Although there is a lot of publicity work to be done for Paparazzi, FOC to me, seems more immediate, 'bigger', and further from my comfort zone.

I've been going out almost every single day of this week! Watched the movie "Taken" today. Loved it. Loved the action scenes to the point where I forgot to breathe. Go watch it! Anyway, we got lost in Chinatown while looking for the service apartment he wanted to check out. Getting lost seems to be a common, almost natural occurrence, as long as I'm involved. Sigh.

As for Saturday, after depositing some cheque, I proceeded to Starbucks, ordered hot chocolate and Belgian waffles, settled on a nice comfy sofa chair and started reading Jane Austen's Sense and Sensibility. That was the life and I thought I could get used to it. I was later joined by Rena, who proceeded to draw and express her artistic flair. I love how the comics sketches are developing! Freaking hilarious. Checked out the restaurants and pubs but didn't bother entering because they're either overpriced or full of football fans engrossed in a Newcastle vs. Liverpool match. Not my cup of tea. Now if they were watching NBA finals, then that would be a different story.

I hung out with my roommate on Friday. Watched this ridiculous Japanese movie called Gu Gu the Cat (What was I thinking?!) Some parts were disturbingly cute but the story line was just so frustratingly random, draggy and gah! (for lack of better word). I've always liked the simplicity and the use of unusual dialogue in Japanese movies, but this movie simply had too many storylines and underdeveloped characters to do justice to what might otherwise would have been a sweet story. I think that if the story had more focus, as in the case of Ten Promises to My Dog, then maybe it would have made more impact. Don't even get me started on the ending. -_-
Ate yummy ramen at Ajisen then conquered a seemingly unending staircase to reach Old School. Their Cosmopolitan and Lychee Martini were quite good!

Thursday was spent "studying" with Rena and Jiaying. As always, we accomplished a lot more talking than studying. =) Why can't we all be doing the same course in the same university?! Haha. Oh, and it was on that day that I befriended a cat - a black cat - at the playground. I remember sitting at the top of the slide, ready for some reflection time when I noticed the cat just half a metre away. I said Hi. It meowed, walked over to me, settled itself comfortably on my lap, and then slept. -_- Obnoxious but I welcomed the company. And now I visit her every night for some Quiet time.

Wednesday was outing with the Pinoys before the guys went back to Philippines for the holidays. We watched Wolverine which I found pretty awesome. I had nice soft shell crab sushi at Shokudo - it's becoming a crazed obsession. Stop me!!! Sigh. I'll miss a lot of them (graduating and leaving ones) , but such is life, Hi and Goodbye. Haha.

Tuesday, I hung out with Rohan and let him win in pool and arcade basketball shootout. I refuse to believe I lost. Hmm, for the former, I admit I suck, so yeah, win all you want but basketball?! I can't believe I lost. I vented it out on Tekken, which I've never really played before but found out I'm pretty good at. My violent psycho bitch persona expressed itself quite well through the character I chose. HA HA.

As you can see, it's been nonstop spending from Tuesday till Today and I'm feeling oh-so-broke and oh-so-fat from all the eating outside. GAH.

Ok. I need plans to start being in control. I don't want to see my holidays disappear without knowing how it disappeared. haha.

I've got so many plans I don't know where to start.

I'm so looking forward to going to Bohol for a taste of White Sand Beach paradise and scuba diving.

Plan must plan.

De-cluttering my Life.

It's like I have this desperate urge to start all over again with a blank slate...

And so I ruthlessly purge all the Unnecessary in my Life.

I need a Serious Deep Reflection Session with Myself.

I can't live my whole life investing emotions on every single thing/person in my life.

I need to learn to say no. I need to learn how to stop feeling obliged to be nice, to care, to accommodate people's emotions all the time at the expense of mine. I need to stop thinking that they care as much as I think they do when in reality, they probably don't. I need to stop feeling guilty and sorry about being inadequate to people all the time, stop feeling the need to be accepted by everyone.

Because it's tiring and it leaves me numb.

Questions. Answers. Decisions. Never liked 'em much.

Maybe.

Rainy days and chancing upon old mementos have a way of digging up feelings I've chosen to bury a long time ago.

I suddenly miss our everyday banter, your endless teasing.
Ranting to you and you gamely taking the violent manifestations of my stress.
Your sincere efforts to cheer me up when I'm down and spoil me with treats (unwanted or wanted) - gestures I took for granted.
Still being nice to me despite my purposeful indifference in the end.

You're now just part of my past I cannot and should not want to retrieve.
But, from time to time, I still can't help but wonder what could have been.
I had my reasons then , both valid and irrational.
My pride - I kept wanting someone better.
Fear of judgment - I cared too much about what people thought.
Preserving my parents' trust - I could not bear to lose it again.
My conscience - I somehow felt it was just the right thing to do.
But sometimes in retrospect, I found that it was just another classic case of me fighting what I feel, creating excuses to rationalize my denial.
Regardless, given the chance to go back, I still would not have done anything different.

That's all. I just wanted to get it out.
Back to the mess.


I need to learn to let go of the past.

How I Missed You So.

I can foresee happy days ahead.
Just me and my piano, rekindling our long forgotten relationship.

Mad World

"Mad World"

All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
And their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow
And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
'Cos I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very
Mad World
Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday
Made to feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
Look right through me, look right through me