It's 2.29 AM

I wish someone would just know and understand...
sans all the explanation.

~

A brush of cold wind, then
an enveloping warmth
Hard, gripping
Feelings on a chokehold
One. Two. Three.
Dead space in between.
And, It Lingers.
I'm Here. Then I'm Not.
Misstep and fall.
Thought I heard You call.
It's just the wind.
25 minutes. Time.
It'll pass, but I'll remain
in the same moment.

Everything's just part of the scenery.
You, Me, Them.

And Chapter 1 ends

From Left to Right: Shikin, Grace, Regina, Elizabeth, Me, Canphylia

I stole this picture from Shikin's blog. Yes, copyright infringement I know. =) It's Post -COM 204 and check out our tooth bearing grins. True Euphoria. I'll miss my COM204 gang: Regina, Grace and Canphylia. 204 tutorials (not assignments) were the best. Especially if you're in Jimmy's Class. I hope we're all in the same group for COM 205! =) I'll see you dears on Saturday! =)

Anyway, it's finally over. I survived four days straight of exams. And 2 content heavy exams on the same day. Yes, I can conquer anything.

Went to eat at Billy Bombers with Rena ( Xinyi! Why didn't you come!?). Had a very nice meal and a very hilarious conversation. HURRY UP and finish your exams !!! So many things to do!!!

I want to start planning my holidays already. Yes yes I do. =) Slacker days, here I come!!! =)

HAPPY HOLIDAYS PEOPLE!

La Di Da

Biz Law was so not fun. I did not finish. I probably wrote crap for a significant part of it.
Considering it's 80% of the total grade, I'm expectedly doomed.
It's COM 204 tomorrow. Then it's FREEDOM.
I declare tomorrow as INDEPENDENCE DAY.
I should be studying. Instead I'm addicted to GeoChallenge.
I should have never clicked that button. Curiosity killed the cat.
I'm sick of writing. I've probably written kilometres worth of writing for the past 5 Exams.
I'll add in another kilometre tomorrow. If I get my lead right that is. I'm shit scared I'll screw up my lead. I'll go chiong my theory tomorrow to salvage it. Salvage. I've been using that term a lot lately. I guess most aspects of my life need 'saving'. Academically yes. I'll deal with the rest later.
After tomorrow's paper, all I'll probably want to do is go back home, watch TV and SLEEP and immerse myself in bimbotic magazines. Yes, life will be sweet.

I was reading through my Biz Law Notes on the train today, when the train stopped at Dover.
Then I heard a mother ask, "Where's Moses?"
I turned to look and I saw 4 little boys holding hands and scurrying towards their mom.
I wondered what the rest were named. Maybe, Elijah? Abraham?
Then one boy stepped on my bare toe.
In my mind, I named his Judas.
Grrr.

Adios COM 203!

COM 203 is officially out of my life! (for now, as it'll come back to haunt me when I see my results). Just as I expected, I did not know A LOT. About 20 marks gone down the drain. I'm placing all my hopes on the 2 research essays, research which was done just a few hours before the exam. Procrastination should be one of the 7 deadly sins. Wait, it already is. It's SLOTH.
But whatever. It's over.

Well, there's still Business Law. 80% of my grade is based on tomorrows performance. If I survive tomorrow, I can survive anything.

I watched Gossip Girl while eating prata. Not that you need to know.

Tort! Here I come.

The Morning After

I succumbed to the sleep demon and I should be panicking and pulling out each strand of hair right now but I feel strangely calm and numb. I haven't studied for 203 except reading background information on the Tibet issue and going through the first 3 lecture slides, all of which looked highly foreign to me. I started studying at 10 yesterday and after reading about media21 and stuff like that I felt really really sleepy. So I decided to plop down on the sofa and take a nap from 11 to 12. I told my brother to wake me up! At first I couldn't sleep because my Dad came by and he kept telling me to go to my room and sleep and because they all kept making noise I couldn't concentrate on falling asleep. I figured I should just get up and continue studying since I wasn't super sleepy anymore yet when I tried to read on about Singapore Broadcasting woes I couldn't tahan. Eyes saw abstract, arbitrary symbols (a.k.a alphabets) that did not mean anything because the brain refused to attach any significant meaning into it. So I went back to the sofa and tried to have a "power nap" because that's what my brother kept telling me to do. So I did, but during the process of falling asleep I kept thinking about Tibet and Media 21 and National Cinema. WHY THE HELL IS MY BRAIN SO ACTIVE WHEN FALLING ASLEEP AND NOT WHEN I"M READING THE DAMN NOTES. Like effing hell. It took me a long time to fall asleep. I told my brother to wake me up at 5 AM. Now it's 8 AM and my brother is on the sofa that I abandoned in the middle of the night for my comfortable bed in my room. Let me remind myself that its 8AM and that I NEED TO DESPERATELY CRAM SO MUCH MORE. TWO OH THREE HOW I HATE YOU SO. It's really just too much. That A+ is really just a freaking consolation price for an otherwise highly screwed up subject. I will not panic and my Dad is so nice. He told me he'll get me a Bento Set for lunch. I don't deserve this.

I'll shut up now. I just needed to get my brain started.

The Last Meal

Sitting for COM 203 exam is like sitting on the electric chair for execution.
My crime? Procrastination.
The only consolation? I could have my requested last meal.
In 203's case, an A+ for the reflective essay. (Marked by CG! omg!)
Well, if I'm going to die, I might as well die happy.

OK. Time to salvage whatever's salvage-able.
*Looks at the pile of readings and faints*

Ramblings.

If only I could obliterate 203 from my reality.

Then I wouldn't be panicking now.

I wouldn't be feeling like I know NOTHING at all.

Breathe Valerie Breathe.

* Proceeds to Sing "Unwell" at the top of her voice*

Time, where have you gone?

I painted my nails electric blue.

I don't like the colour but since my stress level is off the charts, it's the last thing to care about.

Why does it feel like Mission Impossible without Tom Cruise?

I've been highly addicted to youtube. US politics is fun.

Especially US politics and the Media. Extra Fun.

Why can't the research project be about US Elections instead of China?

I'm rambling. Rambling. Rambling.

I just went to play piano to calm myself down.

Christian songs calm me down.

Temporarily.

GAH.

My Brain Is Fried.

I will sleep it all away and pretend today never happened.

Until of course reality slaps me hard on my face when I see my results.

But as of now, remembering how I felt and what I did today is counterproductive to my preparation for the rest of the exams.

I worked my hands and brain too much today.

It just figures that the subject I attend tutorials and lectures diligently and put in most time and effort in is the one I feel most insecure about.

Yes. It's like wearing white when you have your thing.

And so it begins.

Prep Talk to Self:

I admit, I'm easily distracted.
I admit, my concentration span is not exactly noteworthy.
I admit, my time management this semester is in dire need of improvement.
I admit, I did not put in the amount of effort I should have put weeks before this.
I admit, that I let my emotions get the better of me resulting in lack of discipline.

And yes, I may regret my past actions and the consequences of it.
But I'll be nice to myself, say it's OK, and move on.
I'm flawed. I have my imperfections. I'm human.

It's not about falling, because we'll always fall, it's about getting back up again.

And I'm trying to pick myself up again.

It was an overwhelming first semester. Give yourself a break.



I feel super unprepared for econs. I've grasped the concepts and theory (but it's not exactly bound by super glue). But I haven't had enough practice. I haven't gone through the tutorial questions again (as in redo). Sigh.

I hope I'll be the logical and rational person economists assume people to be.
And I'm hoping my memory continues to work after Sociology Paper.
My brain is filled with graphs and theories of "the Self".

Expect the worst (to be prepared emotionally)
Hope for the best (I want to be pleasantly surprised)

On the bright side, I'm decently confident for Sociology.
At least I don't see D-O-O-M-E-D spelt all over it.

Sleep. Sleep. Sleep. If I'm to survive tomorrow, I better sleep.

Blog Break

The more I successfully plow through Charon's "Ten Questions: A Sociological Perspective", the more I question myself, my beliefs, my "truths", my whole reality.

I will make time to explore the works of Marx, Weber and Durkheim.

On one hand, my university education is stimulating my intellectual curiosity mainly through reading the great works of great thinkers. Yet, the whole cut-throat-race-race environment is not conducive for slow and steady exploration of ideas.

The pressure to attain a certain Grade Point Average takes the fun out of studying-especially when you know that it's not just what you know but , it's what you know relative to others that matters more.

Everything society now is, its beliefs, norms, ideals are all socially constructed and mainly perpetuated by those on top. So why should I subscribe to these?

Sigh. Just another rat in the rat race.

It's difficult to break away from all this, especially when it's as if the whole world is against you.

How apt that I'm listening to Marvin Gaye's, "What's going on?"


Lyrics | Marvin Gaye - What’s Going On lyrics

Back to the Secularization.

Macroeconomics is screaming out to me. Hush, hush, I'll talk to you soon. Soon. Patience.

Paano na kaya?

Paano na kaya?
Di sinasadya
Di kayang magtapat ang puso ko
Bakit sa dinami-rami ng kaibigan ko
Ikaw pa?
Paano na kaya?
Di sinisadya
Ba’t nahihiya ang puso ko
Hirap nang umibig sa isang kaibigan
Di masabi ang nararamdaman

T.G.I.F : Semester 1 Classes Officially End

Zomg.

I just found out today that I've been attending the wrong Econs tutorial for the whole semester.

My tutor, after collating the quiz results, realized that my name was in another tutorial group.

And get this, my actual tutorial group, was conducting the lesson just next door.

It seems that I have royally mixed up my tutorial GROUP number with the tutorial ROOM number.

My tutor assured me that it's OK, that he has informed the coordinator, so I'm not worried.

But the hilarity of it all.

Such grand displays of BLUR-NESS like Rena said, can only happen to me.

Someone crown me Blur Queen now.

What a way to officially end Semester 1.

I screwed up my Econs Quiz though. I did worse than I expected! (insert profanity here)

That's 30% fucking percent down the smelly drain.

Now I need to salvage the other 60%.

My Biz Law Tutor is so nice. She gave an A for Class Participation when all I've done is present once and mumble answers during tutorials.

Then again, it's the only tutorial, along with econs that I've attended religiously.

80% = Exam. I'd like to cling on to my last sliver of hope.

I want to sleep. I dream graphs and tutorial questions. Effing scary.



So much for my happy ending.

Do I write "The End" or "To Be Continued?"

Only time will tell.

5 minute Afternoon Econs Rantings

Econs = Information Overload.

We're covering 80% of the Principles of Economics Book in ONE effing term (a.k.a. 12 weeks) when the dear author of the book, Gregory Mankiw, mentioned in the Preface to the INSTRUCTOR that the whole book is

" designed for TWO- semester introductory courses that cover both microeconomics and macroeconomics".

Don't instructors/curriculum formulator/or which ever sadistic idiot came up with the syllabus read this important section?!

JC people had at least 1.5 years to learn all these!

We're discounted 20% of the book, topics of which happen to be more interesting.

Ok. I'm done being irritated. Back to stuffing my brain.

I like Econs. I just don't like being overly force fed it. It's like stuffing 5 bars of chocolate into my mouth at any given time.

I is Sad. I is Happy. I is feeling Everything.

I'm feeling sad, happy, relieved, troubled, hopeful, despondent, stressed and numb all at the same time.
The -Feeling- Right -Now is the epitome of contradiction. I wonder how the neurons/chemicals/receptors in my body are able to multitask to this extent, inducing me to feel a multitude of feelings in a single moment.

Although I have not been following the U.S. Elections closely, I'm super happy Barack Obama won. He is the full realization of the American Dream. To have an African-American as the president of the United States of America just goes to show that a significant number of Americans have matured to be able to see past racial differences, see themselves firstly as Americans, not as White/Black/Hispanic/Asian whatever they may be. I'd be proud to be an American right now, but since I ain't American, for once, after a very long time, I'll say that I am finally proud of America. I'm sincerely praying that they can finally come together, fix their problems so that the rest of the world can also fix their problems. Like they say, "If America sneezes, the world catches a cold." Yes, Bush did leave a huge mess for Obama to clean up, but I'm hopeful, just as America is hopeful.

"Yes, we can."

Now if I can only apply that same ideal/belief to my studies. =)

Yet amidst this, I'm sad and relieved. I'm sad because today was my last tuition lesson with my kids. They're going back to Korea beginning of next year. It was quite sudden actually. I did not see it coming to be perfectly honest because just last week they were asking me if I could continue during the holidays (I thought the mother was crazy and I told her that the kids should have a break free of tuition! )and until next year. I had already planned on quitting by this year actually, I just didn't know how to tell them. So I hesitatingly relented to continue for one or two weeks during the holidays. I thought good bye would come then. But if there's one thing I've noticed in my life, goodbye's and changes always come so abruptly. (The move from Manila to Cebu was sudden. So was the move from Cebu to Penang, and Penang to Singapore, and to enter SFMS, and to go to JJC and even now, to NTU.) So my life was made slightly easier with this sudden turn of events. It's less sad this way. Even if it didn't happen today, the outcome would have been the same anyway.

Shit, I can't believe how attached I've become to the kids and to the family. When the girl hugged me and said "Teacher! I'll miss you!" I nearly cried. But they're really cute. The mother told me to go to their house when I have free time, to eat ramyun and maybe go out to "watch cinema" before they leave. Hahaha. I'll miss that place. I'll really miss those brats! I'll let myself be sad for now.

But I'm also very relieved. I spent about 7 hours tutoring them each week. Add in travelling time, and that's another 4- 5 hours a week. Add in 1 or 2 hours of lesson preparation. I invested 14 hours a week on them. The opportunity cost of that was sacrificing my study time and personal time. So even though the money was good, I decided that I would quit this year so I can concentrate on school next year. I plan to be more involved in school and I want to volunteer! Thank goodness they made it easier for me because I hate initiating the quitting.

Omg. Omg. Omg. You know what this means? Total freedom during the holidays! =) =) =) I'm now extra motivated to study super hard so that I can enjoy the freedom with a clear conscience (after I blog that is).

But I was really sad today, so I decided to blow my whole paycheck for today on retail therapy and bought clothes! Skirt and dresses! Zomg. Inappropriate Timing, I know, but randomness is the spice of life . Haha. And I bought ammunition for my intensive mugging days to ensure I don't starve in my hall. I'm seriously so impulsive! I need to stop being so!

Here's to them.

Make a Smilebox scrapbook

OK. VALERIE. DRAMA OVER. GO STUDY YOUR BUTT OFF NOW.

Another pointless entry

Stressful periods induce increased blogging.
It is a rather futile attempt to diffuse the pent up stress.

O Holidays, holidays
Wherefore art thou, O Holidays.

I want to ...
go to the beach

eat pasta (yet another craving)
hang out with friends
go shopping
read novels
sleep
watch movies
watch dramas
play basketball
swim, run, cycle, blade
dance
see my grandparents
relax
sleep

anything but

do what I have to resume doing after I blog:

study

Too much. Too much. Lord, give me the strength. Even just to stay awake. =)

I can. I will. I can. I will. I can. I will. I can. I will.

tama na.

Nahuhulog na pa ang puso?
O imahinasyon ko lang ito?

Nakakalito na eh.
Gusto pero ayaw.
Totoo pero hindi.
Takot pero bahala na.
Masaya pero malungkot.

Wala naman mangyayari.
Eh kung meron?

Marami na akong kailangan isipin.
Bakit kailangan ka pang sumingit?
Pinapasingit naman kita.
Gusto ko eh.

ARGH.
TAMA NA! tama na! tama na...
=S

English Tuition Chronicles

Kate: Teacher! Teacher! I want to ask you questions!

She pulls out a thick encyclopedia-like book for kids. Apparently, it was one of those "Why-is-the-sea-blue?" kind of book.
She turns to this certain section and lo and behold, guess what it was about?
Shit or "excrement" as they like to call it. Seriously.
There was a questionnaire there that tells you whether you're healthy based on your crap.
It was written in Korean, so she translated them and began questioning me.
"Teacher, how many times do you go to the toilet? One time? Many times? Or never?"
"What color is your excrement? Dark dark? Brown? Or like, got other colour?"
HAHAHA. From there on I couldn't stop laughing.
Then she asked, "Does it go up or down?" I was like, "Huh? What do you mean?"
"You know, when you excrement (insert reenactment then she pointed to the picture), up or down?"
"You mean, does it float or sink?"
It's ironic that I, the grown up, felt so embarrassed talking about something as basic and natural as doing your business. What more, to a kid, who doesn't see anything, "dirty" talking about it.
I'm even being politically correct in my description here because I know that this isn't exactly a pleasant topic.
At the end of the questionnaire, I got a certain number of point that indicated I should eat more vegetables.
She also shamelessly told me her answers to the questions.
Sigh. The randomness of tuition lessons.

English is super difficult to teach. It's too ambiguous. There are words that can be used as a noun,verb and adjective at the same time. Then there are words with multiple and even unrelated meanings. Then there's the formal versus the colloquial usage of it. Then there's the million grammar rules that you have to follow. Language acquisition really is a complicated and (miraculous) process. It just becomes something "you know".

Teaching tenses becomes really tricky when tricky sentences come about. No wonder those new to the language are so confused. For example,

The event will be held on 25th November.
We will be holding the event on 25th November.

The change in subject, suddenly required a change in the way the verb is written, even though both indicated something (i.e. the event) will be happening in the future. We usually use the auxiliary verb "will be" to indicate future continuous tense. So we say, "She will be studying tomorrow."We then just add an -ing to the main verb. Or in the case of simple future tense we just say, "She will study tomorrow". Then now you have "will be" (indicating future tense) and "held" (past tense of hold) in the same sentence. I know it's like that but I don't know why! Amanda! Linguistics person! Explain please!

Me: So what does 'reply' mean?
Boy: Uhh. Bird is tired, so stops. Then bird "replies". (He then shows with his hands a bird RE-flying away)
-_-