T.G.I.F

I'm tired and feeling slightly demoralized. The pressure from the academic world is getting to me. It just keeps targeting on my insecurities and inadequacies; highlighting, and magnifying each one. Sigh.

My Mom came back home today. Thank you Lord for always ensuring her safety. She gave me that big teddy bear hug I've been needing for a long time and my stress just subsided. I think that's why I like staying at home. Being able to randomly hug her, or settling myself in between my parents in bed (as I've always done since I was a kid) and whining to them, disturbing my dad with my horrible singing and nonsense, having the most retarded and incomprehensible (to others) conversations with my weird brother, having family dinner where the sense in our conversation declines every 3 minutes, plopping down on the sofa and watching TFC. All these spell home, comfort and familiarity. And where everything is transient, family remains. These are the things that means (and will mean) most to me, not the things that I've been expending so much effort and time on now, like nominal exchange rate or theory of money neutrality. It's building relationship with friends that matter more that knowing whether an agent committed a breach of warranty of authority. But the reality is that, we take for granted what's important, and concentrate on the less important. It's scary how being in this competitive pressure cooker environment starts to distort my priorities and view of life.

I'm supposed to be studying right now according to the Highly Ambitious Plan. I'm obviously lagging behind by a significant number of chapters but my brain is too saturated at the moment to internalize any intellectual input. Plus, I've been feeling really edgy the whole day. I skipped breakfast and lunch and ran on a few sips of Red Bull. Yes, sips. That's how effective Red Bull is (on me anyway). I had Soya Milk too. Thank Goodness my Mom cooked delicious sinigang for dinner.

I want to read Natsuo Kirino's new book, Real World. It's a highly twisted story (all her stories are) and her novels leave you to wonder about the dark depths of the human mind. It's scary and provocative. There's blood and gore. Highly entertaining.

The song Womanizer has been on relentless playback in my mind; an earworm that refuses to go away. Seriously, I'll be reading my notes to its tune. Not good. I already have the attention span of a 5 year old so I do not need extra distractions!

I want to go shopping so badly! I want to buy dresses! Haha. But first I need to lose this unglamourous fat. The sad reality is that my Quantity of Stress is proportial to my Gain in Mass. I really need to start valuing my health more because I don't seem to be taking care of it properly. See, we always take the important things for granted.

After watching the documentary, Rulers of the World for Sociology on Tuesday, it became slap on the face evident that the world is screwed up. It was on Globalization - the now ubiquitous word which people can't seem to properly define and decide on whether it's good or bad. Despite the 'economic progress' that results, the lesser known side of increasing inequality in distribution of wealth also exists. I'm fortunately living on the side of the balance that has benefitted from globalization. But what about those left out to survive on a meagre 42 pence a day? Those slaving away in sweatshops? Those trafficked into prostitution? These are problems so large in scale, an individual can't help but feel powerless to do anything. What do I know of hunger (except my hunger pangs that are very much easily relieved?)? What do I know of real poverty? What do I know of the injustice that people face except from a third person perspective? I can merely sympathize but not empathize without looking self righteous or hypocritical. I come from a Third World Country. I've seen these conditions first hand. I know it's not fair. It's not fair that those who colonized us, plundered our resources, left our countries in a messy state (after they've used and abused it), which caused us to borrow money with high interest rate from Them to fix the Mess they've made. So now we're in a debt. A huge accumulating debt. Half the country's budget goes to paying the mere interest on these debts. And the other half stingily distributed to development purposes: education, health, housing. With so little budget on the important things, how can we rise up? If there was justice in the world, they'd (IMF, World Bank) should just cancel these debts that they were part of creating anyway.

Ok. I've ranted enough.
I need sleep.





'Cause I'm trying and trying to walk away
But I know this crush ain't goin' away-ay-ay-ay-ayy
Goin' away-ay-ay-ay-ayy





P.S.

Dear Cute Stranger On The Train Today,

Thanks for brightening up my weary day with your smile
And for making me smile back. :)

Have a break? Blog.

Have a break? Blog.

14 days till The First Two Exams.
I'm desperately trying to cram shit loads of information into my puny brain to crap out during the Exams.
Not an exactly tasteful imagery, but then again, it reflects how I currently feel towards the process of force feeding my brain. The frequency of "ah ha!" moments just made me realized how much I've missed out. If it sounded vaguely familiar once, I finally understand it (to a large extent) now. Yes. I'm making progress. Even if it's at a snail's pace.

I complain that the kids I tutor have the attention span of like 5 seconds, but I am not any better. I have an attention span of about one content heavy paragraph. Another consecutive one, and I just won't get it. Thus it takes me forever to finish one chapter of Econs. 28 chapters suddenly sounds like forever.

I've come up with an Emergency Study Plan that is effective from today onwards. Basically it's an attempt to kill myself. It's highly ambitious and is only attainable if I have concrete concentration, zero tendencies for restlessness, complete focus on the task at hand, miraculous will power and super set determination. The D word (discipline) is yet to be internalized. I refuse to think I'm setting myself up for failure, so I will hang on to this deluded optimism (the one that got me through O/A level) and believe that things will turn out OK.

Right. I need divine intervention.

I think my guardian angel whispered (deliberately in the faintest of voices) to go back to study.
Or maybe it's just guilt.




People always leave, be it you or me.
Relationships are temporary or ever changing.
It gets tiring after a while.
I need something constant.

The effing moment of truth

Zo-my-effin-gawd.
I decided NOT to S/U anything.
I repeat.
I did not S/U
Econs,
Socio,
nor
Biz Law.
Shit.
Yes. I'm a crazy reckless youth gambling around with my G.P.A.
At least I'm not gambling away my life through binge drinking and recklessly driving right?
So if I want to live through this decision with a clean conscience...

I WILL SLAVE AWAY MUGGING IN SOME LONELY LIBRARY WITH NOTHING BUT MY DARLING NOTES AND TEXTBOOKS OUT OF SHEER DESPERATION AND PRAY EVERY NIGHT THAT I DID NOT MAKE A MISTAKE.

I have my reasons and I will stick to them.


If all else fails, I'll blame the NTU system for not allowing me to S/U after my exams. =)

203 quizzes

Answers are up on edventure. Shit.

I hate 203 quizzes.

=(

Erm...moments.

"Teacher, Teacher! I'm so happy today! I got 80 over 100 for my test! So happy!", said the Korean girl I'm tutoring with the biggest grin on her face.
Her happiness was infectious and for a moment there, I forgot about all the stress and frustration I've been feeling.
At least something was going right.

Later on, she took my iPod and listened to the song playing on shuffle. It was Avril Lavigne's "Hot".
In the middle of the song she asked me, "Teacher, who/what is baby?".
It was from the line, "You're so good to me, baby,baby."
"Erm..."

Yet another "Erm..." moment when she asked me what the writing on my shirt meant. It said "Good Girls Are Bad Girls That Never Get Caught". Ha ha ha ha. I told her that I'll tell her when she becomes a teenager. 4 more years. She kept irritating me to tell her.

I want to be a kid again. Such innocence and very low threshold to happiness.
Why can't life be simple?

4 pm ramblings

Having a siesta is my weakness.

No.

Make that, having a highly-extended-I-might-as-well-sleep-the-whole-afternoon siesta.


The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak.

I hearts Sambal fish with rice from Old Chang Kee.

I don't want to go for Econs lecture.

Mulling over S/U options.

NTU seriously needs to do something about this S/U option.
Like now.
What's the point of having this option BEFORE one's exams?
As much as those up there would like to believe that we are able gauge how well can do in a certain module, the simple truth is, we don't have crystal balls that illuminate to us our final grades.
And gut feeling about the subject? We are homo sapiens and we do not act only on instincts.
Why can't we follow NUS's policy and allow students to S/U after the results are out?
Once a subject is S/Ued before the exam, the motivation to study for it decreases greatly.
The most we will do is attempt to pass. Now, this is perfectly OK for those who truly hate the module they are taking and who want nothing much to do with it. But what about for those who actually like the modules they're taking but are unsure of how well they can do in it? This lack of foresight should not be a factor in causing frustration. Because if you like a subject, you'll want to do well in it.
Now if they allow S/U option after the exam results are announced, I won't have to S/U a subject I like and could have done well in. What if I S/U the wrong elective? What if the S/Ued elective's exam was easier than the ones I didn't S/U?
I don't like basing such important decision that involves the ever important GPA on uncertainties and mere gut feeling.
GAH.
The Office of Academic Services sure is taking a long time to review this policy.
Sigh.
I'll go study my Econs now because I have seriously NO idea how I will fare.
*headache*

203 tomorrow morning. I am oh-so-tempted to skip. The business of journalism and Monday blues do not go together.

Need Caffeine.

On current BFF's and Long Lost Friends (LLF)

I hang out with Distraction, Sleep and Procrastination a lot these days. We're like total BFF's now.

On those lazy days, Sleep likes to come over my place. She's always there when I need her. But she's also always there whenever I don't want her around. I never have the guts to tell her to scram. She's really nice to have around, and I do miss her like crazy when I don't see her for a long time, especially when I have loads of school work to do last minute. So that's BFF #1 for you.

As for Distraction? She's probably the most fun person to be around. She's always so random;you won't know what to expect. One minute we're teasing our brains with riddles and the next, playing word challenge, and then we're suddenly watching and gushing over our favorite shows. It's her fault I'm addicted to Gossip Girl! But life would be so boring without her around! That's BFF #2 for you.

And finally, there's Procrastination. She's the carefree, laid back, live-for-now kind of person. Why worry about the future when we're living in the present? That's what she always tells me. A lot of people say I shouldn't hang out with her because she's no good. But when you've known a person for so long, you just feel so comfortable with him/her, you know? She's become an integral part of my life so letting go is easier said than done. And that's BFF #3 for you.

I haven't talked to Sensibility and Discipline for a long time. They do say Hi occasionally. My parents don't like the crowd I'm with now. They always tell me that Sensibility and Discipline were my so- called 'better' friends, because they brought out the better side of me. They're the "good" company, according to them. Sigh, maybe I should give them a call, and you know, catch up?

One of those unnecessary entries

Valerie...
1. was early for lecture today despite dropping by hall first.
2. admits having one siesta too long in the afternoon.
3. was blur during Econs lecture.
4. met fellow Paparazzi main comm people whose Chinese names I have trouble remembering
5. owes Aini money for the pizza.
6. realized she is a Third Culture Kid. (TCK)
7. shared that happy realization with Rena, who can also be classified as a TCK.
8. ate unhealthy instant noodles for supper and tried Chili Crab flavor for the first time.



Valerie is
1. ...guzzling down coffee like it was water.
2. ...attempting to write her 1500 sociology essay which is turning out to be very long winded
3. ...deliberating over her S/U options and is very conflicted.
4. ...trying not to panic over her upcoming Econs quiz which she is semi-clueless about.
5. ...thinking of how to organize her essay while writing this unnecessary entry
6. ...trying again not to panic over her upcoming and more pressing 201 quiz
7. ...still trying not to panic over 203 quiz
8. ...is looking at her bed longingly.

Valerie wants
1. ...fast forward the next 6 weeks so that holidays finally arrive.
2.... to do well for her exams but is terrified of the time constraint.
3. ...to go back to Philippines and give my grandpa and grandpa a hug. Just because
4. ...cheap retail therapy
5. ... to go diving desperately.
6. ... to get everything over and done with
7. ... to read so many novels, especially Natsuo Kirino's latest book "Real World"
8. ...to sleep and skip lecture tomorrow.

Valerie needs
sleep.
now.

Storm

I finally felt the Sense of Urgency and the Panicky Rush 8 hours ago at 3 AM. It was so acute, I could not help but feel trapped in my vision of a tunnel with no end. It was not a pretty feeling. The reality that I have a mere 4 weeks to minimise the potential damage to my G.P.A. is such a slap in the face. I want to do so much better, I do, but this feeling of self doubt is slowly eating at me. It does not help that I am spiritually lost and restless. I've always been but it just seems so much more magnified now when I'm at my lowest point. I keep trying but that elusive faith seems to escape me everytime, and I'm finding it hard to hold on. I know I have family and friends to fall back on, and I'm truly grateful, I am. But when you've been wrestling with personal demons, and been holding on to a belief that an omnipotent Being will be there to fill that gaping hole in your own being for a long time, it tires you out. It makes you lose faith. It makes you wish you had not known what it was like to believe. It makes me want to let go. It's a conflict between desires/expectations and the actual reality. And I can't find a way to reconcile it the two. I wish I could. It's scary how one can feel so alone despite having loved ones around.

I just want to scream and feel alive.
Because I'm slowly finding it harder to smile.
And distractions?
They're the last thing I need.


It's such a beautiful song. I nearly cried when he sang it. It's amazing how songs can capture the very essence of feelings.

Storm by Lifehouse

How long have I been in this storm?
So overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form
Water's getting harder to tread
With these waves crashing over my head

If I could just see you
Everything would be all right
If I'd see you
This darkness would turn to light

And I will walk on water
And you will catch me if I fall
And I will get lost into your eyes
I know everything will be alright
I know everything is alright

I know you didn't bring me out here to drown
So why am I ten feet under and upside down
Barely surviving has become my purpose
Because I'm so used to living underneath the surface

If I could just see you
Everything would be all right
If i'd see you
This darkness would turn to light

And I will walk on water
And you will catch me if I fall
And I know everything will be alright
I know everything will be alright

yet another concert

zomg.
parokya ni edgar is coming.
SHIT.
first lifehouse, now parokya.
it's a conspiracy to make me broke.
wth. i only live once.

Trouble Sleeping

Trouble Sleeping :

It's late and I'm feeling so tired
Having trouble sleeping.
This constant compromise
Between thinking and breathing.

Could it be I'm suffering
Because I'm never give in?
Won't say that I'm falling in love
Tell me I don't seem myself
Couldn't I blame something else?

Just don't say I'm falling in love

Some kind of therapy
Is all I need
Please believe me
Some instant remedy
That can cure me completely

Could it be that I'm suffering
Because I'll never give in?
Won't say that I'm falling in love
Tell me I don't seem myself
Couldn't I blame something else?

Just don't say I'm falling in love
'cause I've been there before and it's not enough
So nobody say it

Don't even say it
I ve got my eyes shut
Won't look, oh
No, I'm not in love

Could it be I'm suffering
Because I'll never give in?
I'm falling love
Tell me I don't seem myself good enough for something else

Just don't say I'm falling in love
Falling in love
Just don't say I'm falling in love
Oh, yeah
Falling love ooh
Oh, oh, don't say that I'm falling in love, don't say that, oh
Just don't say that I'm falling in love, yeah
Just don't say that I'm falling in love
Don't say but in the answer
'Cause I'll never give in
Oh
Falling in love
Yeah
Oh

I always tell others to follow what they feel.
Yet I can't do the same.
I always try to rationalize what I feel.
No wonder I'm so confused.

You made me end my week with a smile.

Random entry of short sentences

Over napped today.
Missed Biz Law Lecture.
Feeling very very groggy.
Finished 204 and 203.
Every assignment
a last minute effort.
Sleep, I just want to sleep.
Slept at 4 am.
Because of stupid brother.
Woke up at 6.30.
Actually went for 201 Lecture
8.30 AM.
2/3 of Ravioli skipped.
CG is marking my essay.
Shit. Why did I do Journalism?
He'll see through it.
Omg. He actually bothered
to put up photos of those
who commented.
My matric photo is shit ugly.
I will not comment.
Need to do Econs tutorial.
Need to do Biz Law tutorial.
Need to stop blogging randomly.
Chicken Chop at Canteen 2 is super nice
sans the coleslaw of course.
Can't concentrate.
Information overload.
Brain cannot compartmentalize.
I need to improve my writing.
Sigh.
I want to paint my nails bronze.
Or milky purple.
Or baby blue.
I want to go shopping.
I just killed an ant.
I just realised, I never found out
who my angel is.
I want to know!
Hopefully I get to watch Lifehouse.
I really want to.
So much for saving money.
Enough randomness for the day.
Good bye.
I feel torpid.