The little things

My fickleness is amusing.
I'm constantly swept away by my plethora of emotions.
Result? A myriad of last minute decisions that somehow... feel right.
Or maybe I've just been so good at deluding myself.


It's the little things that make me smile.
It's also the little things that hinders that smile.

I'll take all these slowly and in a positive view.
There's more to look forward to in life and be grateful about.
I've been a sulky girl but I was just being honest to myself.

I'm grateful for the random encounters I've had so far that has helped me see things differently.
I'll continue hanging on to that hope, even if I struggle. Struggle is a constant part of life yeh?

Kaya ko to.

Endless Angsty Ramblings

I don't want to go for lecture tomorrow. I want a one week holiday. I'm having a severe case of holiday withdrawal symptoms.
This is bad. It's already the 4th week and I'm still as lazy as ever. Not good Valerie. Totally not cool.
I have a scary amount of readings to do. I'm still in denial.
I don't know where the enthusiasm to start the new chapter of my life (a.k.a. University) flew off too.
Maybe I was simply faking enthusiasm to psyche myself for the fate handed to me.
Because to be completely honest, this is not what I truly wanted. Yes, it was the next best option but it was never really my dream.
I wanted to get out. But I remain stuck, for many reasons. For many valid reasons I've come to accept. Or still coming to terms with.
Maybe it'll work out for the best. I need to have faith. But I never had much faith to begin with.
Faith has been elusive for a very long time now and I simply feel tired.
Tired of hanging on to that hope, to that promise I don't understand, to beliefs I cannot justify.
I feel/am detached. I hate it yet am comfortable with it.
I find myself enjoying my solitude (I always have but it's been upped to a new level)
I think too much. I worry too much. I care too much. And I don't care too much. Try making sense of that.
I don't know. I just feel like I've just lost myself.
I've forgotten what's important. I've surrounded myself with a wall. Never trusting people fully. Never trusting, even myself.
I see the apathy that has crept into my life, and taken a strong hold. The notion "ignorance is bliss" becoming increasingly familiar.
Fear fear fear. Now there's always fear of this and that. Irrational baseless fear.
I feel pressured yet I don't care.
I want to do so many things yet I don't, because I don't know where to start and I don't have enough courage nor will to do it.
I don't know when I crawled back into this shell. This comfort zone. Stagnant.
Everything's moving. Everything's changing. Everyone's changing. And I'm constant.
It's a conflicting thing, wanting to change and not change at the same time.
I want to laugh. Really laugh.
I want to cry. Really cry.
I want to feel pure unadulterated happiness, even sadness.
I don't want mere confusion and emptiness.
Yes, emptiness. Even amidst everyone, despite everything, the void lingers.
Am I ungrateful? Maybe I am. Am I being selfish? Maybe I am.
I want to have a connection with someone, without having to try.
I want to get away, from everything. From everyone. Not because I hate everything and everyone but simply because I want to get away.
This.has.got.to.stop.or.bye.bye.sanity.

I've rambled on for far too long.
Need to get back to my sociology homework.
" What is your ideal for a romantic partner?"
Wentworth Miller.

Just because.

Econs Lecture Distraction

Income Tax vs. Consumption Tax.
After one and a half hours of monotonous droning, she finally touched on the chapter I haven't read in advance.
One common advice for students is to do advance reading before a lecture. But the drawback to this is that when I understand the content sufficiently by simply reading the textbook, I zone out during lecture. Repetition is good, when it's done creatively and when it provides new insights (by pointing out things you've missed out while reading). But repetition during a lecture (such as the one I'm in now), where the lecturer basically cuts and pastes the content from the textbook and says the exact.same.thing.as.the.textbook, would inevitably lead to loss of interest and concentration.
Sigh.

5 more minutes. I can do this. I want to eat pasta.


Her eyes did a systematic scan of the lecture hall.
And disappointment set in as she realized, the object of interest was nowhere in sight.
Focus. Taxes. Progressive. Proportional. Incentives.
Left. Right. Left Right.
TGIF suddenly meant so much more.

It's that...

It's that state of mind, where thoughts are like the fragments of a torn love letter, slowly scattered by the unforgiving wind. And I, frantically reach out to every piece, an attempt to salvage every word, every phrase, every sentence so that Meaning might not be lost.

It's that emotional state, where emotions, of all colour and gravity, beg desperately for one's attention but like those colourful exotic birds we like to admire, we trap inside cages. Denying their freedom, suppressing their very nature to fly wild and free.

It's that state of being, where one is neither here nor there, stranded in a purgatory of sorts, where every prayer seems unheard and every question remains unanswered. How long do I have to knock before the door is opened? How long do I seek before I find it? How long do I asked before it is given?



I just need to know that You'll be there. Is that too much that I'm asking for?

Earworm of the Day

You make me so hot
Make me wanna drop
It's so ridiculous
I can barely stop
I can hardly breathe
You make me wanna scream
You're so fabulous
You're so good to me baby, baby
You're so good to me baby, baby


- Hot by Avril Lavigne

This.is.stuck.in.my.head.
If only there was someone to sing this to. Haha.

Why did you suddenly appear in my mind?
Ridiculous.

Hindi maintindihan...ang ibig mong sabihin

Kahapon ko pang sinasabi sa sarili ko na OK lang yun. OK lang na hindi ako nakapasok.Yun rin naman ang hinala ko eh. Ang hindi ko lang maintindihan (at ang medyo kinaiinisan at hinanakit ko) ay yung pag iwas mo sa pag tingin sa akin. Yung pa sikreto ninyong pag pasa ng mensahe sa isa't isa. Baka ako lang ito. Baka masyado ko lang itong iniisip. Alam ko nagpadala na kayo ng email, pero bakit wala ka man lang paliwanag? Kahit kaunti man lamang. Kahit man lang, "Sorry ha, marami talaga kasing sumali eh." Kaya ko naman tanggapin yun eh. Hindi naman sa feeling-close ako, pero yun nga lang, akala ko na may kahit kaunting kahulugan yung pinagsamahan nating lahat. Alam ko hindi ako kasing ganda nila, wala rin akong karanasan kagaya ng iba. Siguro hindi rin ako ang pinaka malapit sa inyo o pinaka sikat. Pero ang feeling ko kasi, hindi man lang ako binigyan ng pagkakataon para matuto o para man lang ipakita na may kaya naman ako. Hinusgahan agad ako dahil hindi ako ganun kaganda at wala pa akong masyadong karanasan. Para bang hindi ko kayang matuto.
Sinabi ko na hindi ko ito gagawing personalan. Pero eto ang nararamdaman ko eh. Hindi ko mapigilan. Siguro naninibago lang ako sa katotohanan na talagang hindi makatarungan ang mundo. Na siguro, masmadali sa may itsura ang makuha ang gusto nila. Alam ko medyo OR ako. Kasalanan ko rin naman na hindi ko sineryoso ito.
Sa ngayon, ayaw ko ng isipin to.
Naninibago lang talaga ako sa buong experience at culture dito.
Nakakamiss yung dati, nung mas madali pa ang lahat. Ngayon hindi lamang yung utak ko ang sinusubok eh. Pati ung mga inakala ko, yung pakikisama ko sa iba't ibang tao. Nakakapagod.
Nakakainsecure lang na lahat ng tao dito alam kung ano gusto nila sa buhay, may ambition, may kakayanan. Obvious pa, diba? Para bang, Lord, bakit sila lang, nasaan yung akin?
Naguguluhan ako dahil hindi ko alam kung saan ko ipoposisyon ang sarili ko. Ipagpatuloy yung ganito, na wala lang paki (sa labas) pero sa loob, gulong gulo at hindi komportable. O baka kailan kong subukan mas maging masaya, mas vocal. Nung JC wala naman akong ganitong mga iniisip eh. Kontento ako sa posisyon ko. Hindi man akong kilala, pero OK lang yun kasi at least na-aalala ako ng mga tao. Pero ngayon, para bang, wala lang, medyo OA pero parang nawalan ako ng importansya.
Bakit ba ganoon, akala ko kilala ko na sarili ko, na hindi na ako magpapadala sa mga iniisip ng iba, na hindi ko na iintindihin yung mga mababaw na problema. Na kaya kong maging sarili ko. Pero sa totohanan, hindi ako ganun ka lakas eh. Para sa akin, importante parin na makita ako na may kasama, na hindi nag iisa, na kilala ako ng mga tao, na meron akong importansya. Hai Naku.

Tamana tamana tamana. Hindi na ako masyadong magiisip. kinailangan ko lang ng release. Wag ninyong pansinin ang pinagsusulat ko.

P.S. It's damn tiring to write in Filipino.

Monday Morning Thought

It just gets harder from here doesn't it?












Hanging on to that sliver of Hope.
Please let me know You're watching over me.

On Emotions, Resolutions & The Lingering Homesickness

"Let the good times roll. The Roller Coaster will lift you up 203 feet, drop you down 144 feet and leave your pulse trying to catch up to 67 mph. Simulating a jet fighter's barrel roll, you'll turn 180 degrees, hang 86 feet in the air, take the famous "heartline" twist and dive, and get your negative g's on! Ah, what a rush."

This is the way New York New York Hotel in Las Vegas described its famous roller coaster ride which I braved with my brothers a few years back.

This is exactly how my emotions have been the past two weeks, more specifically, the past few days: the cliched roller coaster ride.

I questioned why I've been harboring negative feelings about everything going on around me when I should be grateful for the opportunities and confidently taking a forward stride to face all these challenges.
But I realized that I've been expecting too much of myself, of others and of my general situation.

This whole transitional phase has left me feeling tense, confused, frustrated and incompetent. But that is because I chose to focus on the negative parts (don't we always). Compound that with the effects of P.M.S and all small things become magnified. Thus, I ended up feeling shittier than usual.

For one,

I need to stop comparing myself to others. It's the major source of frustration.
Reminder to Self: You would not have gotten in if they did not think you were equally capable. It's as simple as that. So experience or no experience, you came here to learn what you've always wanted to learn.

I need to learn discipline. Without it, this whole 4 years will be as messy as the roads of Manila.
Reminder to Self: You've gotten far too comfortable with the nanny system where everything was given to you. Every aspect of your education is now your Responsibility. Grow up.

I need to stop thinking about unnecessary things so much. Too much of it can lead to brain atrophy.
Reminder to Self: Worrying won't get you anywhere. Being a compulsive worrywart is something you have to definitely change. Always look on the bright side of life. *whistles*

I need to stop my emotions and fears from getting the best of me. Stagnation is the only end result.
Reminder to Self: It's OK to feel but don't let those feelings control you. You are more than your feelings. Jump right into the sea of uncertainty. Struggle if you have to. Believe in NIKE's "Just do it".

I need to remember that I have a wonderful family that loves me and great friends around me.
Reminder to Self: They're just a text/call away. Even if some friendships drift away, you yourself know that strong friendships can last longer that you expect it. Have faith in those people and in yourself.

Ok. I should stop this Gollum/Smeagle-like monologue. After feeling rather depressed the past few days and attempting not to show it have been arduous.
The barrage of New Everything makes me miss the Old & Familiar Everything.

Thank God Familiarity is simply a bus & MRT ride away.
=)

Ok. Time to do my Business Law and Econs homework.

On Organising My Disorganised Life & Thoughts

I'm a dunce when it comes to organizing my life and time management.

I need a personal secretary.

So many things to do, So lacking in discipline and will power.

I hate it when my weaknesses control me.

It's time I tackle this problem, rugby style, aggressively and head on.

I owe this much to myself.

>.<

There's a girl staring back at me.
I don't know who she is.
She has the same raven hair I remember having.
Those big black eyes staring.
A glint in those same eyes
That cannot be missed

The corners of her lips curl
slow and subtle
Her smile this time
a tinge, and more of melancholy
Monalisa's enigma
Emotions clandestine

How could I not know her,
familiar feelings stirring
Did I lose her along the way,
unknowingly forgotten?
Did I choose to shelve her in
forgetting, a decision chosen

I wish to know her again.
Maybe I won't feel like I'm in limbo then.

First Week Frustration

I can't help but feel lost (physically, mentally and emotionally) in this jungle called University.

Physically because I am not blessed with a sense of direction.

Mentally because my brain cells are on extended hiatus.

Emotionally because the plethora of emotions I go through each moment (from confusion to anxiety to insecurity) is beyond my numbed emotional system.

It's only the first week and I feel tired already.

But I'll get through this "Noobie" phase.

This is really sad

When I went to Las Vegas a couple of years ago, I noticed that Grannies were a common sight at the slot machines. They would conquer 4 slot machines, slot in their pennies one by one and routinely press the levers down. The reels would rotate at a dizzying speed and one by one, symbols which the heavens have dictated will reveal itself. A normal person would be anxiously anticipating each revelation. These Grannies, however, just sit, unblinkingly, unfaced, and completely emotionless.

At that time I thought, 'It must be really sad to camp in front of those slot machines the whole day, to waste your life on chance and luck alone.'

Obsessing over the torture mechanism know as STARS is an uncannily similar scenario. Pressing F5 and Enter is like Slotting in coins and pressing the levers down. Waiting for the 3 jackpot symbols to appear is like waiting for the vacancy to change from 0 to one.


This time, I'm echoing my thoughts from the past.

'This is really sad.'

On Japanese and Doraemon

Dad: So what electives do you have so far?
Me: Well, there's Econs and Biz Law. I want Japanese but there's no vacancy!
Dad: What are the chances of you getting Japanese?
Me: People say it's difficult, so some might be dropping it during the Add/Drop period. So I don't know.
Dad: Well, if you get it you'll have an advantage because you watch Doraemon.
Me: -___-

Freedom Ends Here

Today marks the End of my 8 Months of Freedom.
Tomorrow signifies The Beginning of my 4 Years of University Life.

Sigh. I thought I'd be more excited. I'm simply numb.
Reality.has.not.sunk.in.yet.
Maybe it'll take a lecture, or a couple of lectures.
It may take days, or weeks.
My thoughts are still tumbled, and my long list of Things To Do have not been sorted out.
My Slacker Mode is still switched ON.
I am in need of serious psyching up for the next four years.

I don't know what to wear tomorrow.
But I'm not worried because I'm too lazy and detached to care.
I'll probably rely on my random, on the spot decisions, like I always do when I'm rushing.
I already foresee myself rushing tomorrow morning.

I won't be staying in my hostel room till next week.
That simply equates to meeting the boon lay crowd at an unearthly 7.45AM.
I'll experience the tugging, the squeezing and the claustrophobic feeling reminiscent of JJC days.

As to why I'm not moving in yet, it's because the Mother ordered that I stay at home till the Father comes back from Philippines on Tuesday. And since it's my Dad's birthday on 9th August, I might as well spend time with him for the whole week (father-daughter bonding moments) and ship myself off to Pulau NTU on Monday night (Next Monday is a holiday right?). Yes I'm such a nice daughter. I miss irritating my Dad!

I better depart to Dream Land now and meet my sexy husband #3 Johnny Depp for our date.

NTU,CS, here I come!