I just felt like posting these up! =)
The two darlings I can't live without. Haha
You know I love you both!
<3val
Monday, June 30, 2008
Saturday, June 28, 2008
listing again
I'm finding writing in continuous prose to be a troublesome and inefficient process. The amount of redundancies increases in each paragraph and I end up circumnavigating around my original thought. It just reflects the very disorganized way I go through thoughts in my mind. So for now, until I learn how to organize my thoughts and write succinctly, I will making use of lists.
On Friday's shopping trip:
1. I bought clothes I don't normally wear. I just felt a need to experiment and try new styles; styles which may or not suit me (according to other people) but I don't really care because I like what I got.
2. Shopping is actually tiring. Trying clothes on is tiring.
3. I finally understand what Rena meant when she said she finds shopping for clothes that fit her, an arduous task.
4. An ATM/Debit card is a double edge sword. I applaud the convenience it gives but that same convenience allows me to conveniently purchase things with less guilt than paying with cold hard cash.
5. I still haven't found nice shoes!
On Friday's tutoring session:
1. I notice progress! The little kid is using more English words. =) I'm happy.
2. Pillow fights with kids are extremely fun. I felt like a 7 year old again.
3. I'm becoming quite attached to the whole family. =S I like how they don't treat me just as a tutor who comes and goes. The children treat me like their jie jie. They even tell me their secrets. The mother trusts me and is really very nice. The grandmother thinks I'm cute (hahaha) and I conversely told her I thought she was cute too (she really is! hahaha). They always offer me delicious food (snack and even dinner). It's just so comfortable. If they were my neighbors, I probably wouldn't mind doing it for free. But I have to travel a long way to get there so I guess getting paid, to me, is more of a compensation for the time and effort it takes to get there than the actual tutoring (which is sometimes frustrating but most of the time very enjoyable). Now I know what they mean by "Find a job you'll love so that you'll never have to work for a day". I'll definitely continue during university and I'd hate it when the day comes when circumstances will force me end it. So I'll just enjoy it while it lasts.
On Uni matters:
1. I can't decide whether I should I try out living in a hostel. On one hand I'd like to have the whole hostel experience but I'm reasoning that staying at home is actually more convenient. But I find staying at home rather suffocating. My parents can be supremely irritating about little every day things ( They sometimes forgot I'm 19 years old) and I need to get away from all of that. Will staying in hall actually save me time and money? Hmm. I'm confused. Every new thing seems to be demanding my attention in I have to make decisions in one go.
2. Sometimes I do wonder if Communication Studies is for me. I'm at a complete loss at the direction this decision is going. It was always my childhood ambition to be a journalist like Maria Resa of CNN. I wanted to write. I wanted to do expose stories and documentaries that would induce strong reactions. I've also wanted to make ads that were thought provoking and original. And I've had little fantasies of becoming a radio deejay. And I'd really want to be involved in a film production at least once in my life. The thing is I know I've had opportunities to pursue this interests and translate them into actual skills (instead of them remaining as mere intentions) even before entering the university. I could have attended workshops to improve my writing. I could have learnt video production on my own. I could have submitted works online to be critiqued or in contests to be judge. But they all remain as mere I-want-to thoughts in my head because I always lacked the confidence to try and realize these wants. And even when I've mustered enough confidence, I stumble because I lack the discipline. I just keep feeling that I do not have enough talent to achieve what I want. And I'm always distracted about so many things. I want to do so many things I end up doing none. I'm in desperate need of priorities and organisation in my life. Both my mind and heart are all over the place. Someone teach me how to focus.
On Saturday's Outing:
1. Happy (belated as I write this) Birthday Yong Jun! =) We-missed-you-a-lot-that-is-why-we-really-wanted-to-hang-out-with-you-on-your-birthday-and-you've-become-man-lier-really. =P
2. I had spicy cha shu ramen at that Jap resto at Taka basement. Very nice! It reminded me of Char Siew (a.k.a. Andrew ) though. Haha. Come to think of it, I actually miss my SFMS guy friends.
3. I hoped you guys liked the place we went too! =) It's the perfect place for heart to heart sessions. Hehe.
4. We'll always be hear to listen to you ok? But I do hope you don't do anything rash.
Although I don't completely understand your logic (or lack thereof, hehe) I'd be the last one to judge you.
How many friendships can one heart maintain before it becomes emotionally straining or compromising? How many people can you trust enough to be your truest self to?
What does becoming an adult mean? Does that mean finally conforming to society's expectations of you because you're finally aware that your actions have real consequences, consequences you, and not your parents, have to bear with? Or does it mean finally being old enough to go on your own and say "screw society's views" because you're now strong enough to choose your own path and take responsibility of whatever you choose to do? Whoever came up with the idea that by turning 18 we magically mature into adults anyway? At what point do people start knowing they're adults. Why do we need these classifications in the first place? I feel like I'm stuck in limbo.
All that I am
All that I have
I lay them down
Before You O Lord
All my regrets
All my acclaims
The joy and the pain
I'm making them yours
Lord I offer my life to You
Everything I've been through
Use it for Your glory
Lord I offer my days to You
Lifting my praise to you
As a pleasing sacrifice
Lord I offer You my life
Things in the past
Things yet unseen
Wishes and dreams
That are yet to come true
All of my hopes
All of my plans
My heart and my hands
I lift them to you
What can we give that You have not given?
And what do we have that is not already Yours?
All we possess is this life that we're given,
And that's what we'll give to you Lord.
<3>
Monday, June 23, 2008
10 Random Notes
1. I'm blogging using my new MacBook! =) The reason behind the switch? I simply wanted a change from the usual laptop and so far, I'm liking it. I do have a few gripes about it though. For one, I can't install my Nokia PC suite due to its incompatibility. The same goes for my (fake) Photoshop CD. This means I have to fork out big bucks to buy Adobe Creative Suite 3. Sigh. And unlike the prevalent Vista run laptops, Mac does not come with Microsoft Office. I don't know whether I should get iWork (Mac's version of Office) or Microsoft Office Student Edition. I lean towards iWork because it seems cooler. Mac's equivalent to powerpoint is so much more sleeker (Think: Al Gore's presentations in The Incovenient Truth) and the general feedback has been really good. I'm just scared that most school files will be in Office form and that I'll end up with compatibility issues. iWork is also way cheaper. Then again, I can probably get the latter for even cheaper thanks to my mother's connections. =) I shall do more research before I buy anything. But if there are any Mac users who read my blog, your opinion please? (I don't expect much response. Hehe.)
My new baby. And yes I got the white one of course.
2. I'm impressed by the CS FOC organizers. Instead of just sending in another brochure along with the dozens of other FOC brochures that came with the NTU FOC package, they personally delivered it to us. Yes. They actually drove around Singapore delivering the packages. It's rather gimmicky but I'm sure each of us Freshmen (I feel weird calling addressing myself as a Freshman. I'm still in denial) appreciate the sincere effort. Thanks for making us feel *extra* special. Hehe. In fact, that may be one of the deciding factors as to why I actually want to go. I could have gone back to Philippines for that week but I figured, Philippines will always be there but this comes only once and it might actually be fun. And to be perfectly honest, I have a phobia of camps based on personal experience in JC. If it weren't for that few lasting friends I made, I would have gladly skipped the whole thing if given the chance. It's not that I'm anti social, quite the contrary actually as everyone who knows me would say. I guess the whole thing came off as very fake for me. We had OGL's writing different permutations of "friends forever" which you realize is complete BS once school starts. And the cheering was just painful. I quote what I wrote post-orientation 2 years ago.
Oh I don't mind cheering. In fact cheering is pretty fun at times. It makes you feel like part of them and it gives you an excuse to scream your lungs out. But...cheering every 5 fucking minutes is a whole lot different story. We probably cheered a hundred times a day...or maybe more! It affected me so much that I couldn't really sleep on the first night because I kept hearing the cheers in my mind and expected them to just suddenly break out cheering. Freaky nonsense I tell you. And having cheers about chihuahas and even batman makes it a whole lot worse.
And one more word: SQUEEZE. Need I say more?
After 3 years in SFMS, JJ orientation was a severe culture shock.
3. There's a gigantic bruise on my mid-thigh. It's diameter measures approximately 3.5 cm. This unfortunate accident happened last night. Here's the tragic tale. I alighted the bus, lost my balance, wobbled a few steps forward and hit my thigh against the corner of the concrete waiting seats. As to how that's even possible, only Kami-sama knows. My clumsiness is tragic. I half-trip when I'm walking (either I miss a step or for some inexplicable reason I lose my balance. Inexplicable because I'm short and I should be theoretically very stable). I bump into corners of bed posts, tables and any furniture with a sharp corner... again and again. I even bumped my elbow against the door while walking out of my room just 2 minutes ago. =S
4. Two weeks ago I was happily unemployed and now, I'm happily employed. Either way I'm happy. I'm currently tutoring 3 Korean kids English. They are just too cute. The youngest is 6 and is the toughest to teach. His attention span is about 5 seconds and he barely understands much less speaks English. He is obsessed with cars and anything with wheels and that is the weakness I tap on during lessons. I have to bribe him with car stickers to get him to read. I think it's working and I've seen progress. In the beginning, I felt very frustrated, because nothing I said or did seemed to work. And then I realized that I was expecting and forcing too much on him. I have to keep reminding myself that English to him is like Chinese to me:something totally alien and must be approached slowly and with caution. His name is Hyung Jun which sounds eerily like Yong Jun. His sister, 9 years old is really cute too. She redefines motormouth. She's not only talkative in Korean, in fact, she's more talkative in English. Every time I stay back to talk to them, she dominates the conversation. Either repeatedly exclaiming that spicy Korean ramen is very delicious or telling me a story about a funny incident in school. The childlike enthusiasm and innocence is refreshing and inspiring. It helps me relax and be a kid again, something I'm starting to forget as I become older and more cynical. So I made a promise to myself that I will be more optimistic and positive about my life. =) The oldest kid, 10 years old, is chubby cute! He's the most well behaved and is relatively the easiest to teach. He's a sweet kid and you can see that he really tries even if he finds it so difficult. It was his birthday on Monday and I was actually very happy they liked me enough to let me join in the celebration. I got to eat the nice tiramisu cake, cherries, and ferrero roche. =) I'm really lucky because they treat me really well. The sweet and very cute grandma always offers me food! Every conversation with her is an episode of Lost in Translation. She'll talk to me in Korean and I'll talk to her in English. When all else fails, we communicate in what would looks like charades. Then we laugh. I desperately need to learn Korean properly.
5. I ended up hastily submitting an ugly picture for the Matriculation Card. Sigh. Procrastination got the better of me. O well. I had to tie up my hair (and reveal my chubby cheeks) because my hair chose to rebel on that fateful day. That card will be under high security for the next four next years, carefully kept away from privy eyes. I've also had my Medical Checkup last Wednesday and I found out that the weighing machine at home has been a such a liar, deceitfully adding an extra 3 kg to my actual weight. And all this while I've been rather depressed about the supposedly huge amount of Holiday weight I gained when in fact I only gained about 2 kg. Humph. But the fact remains that I desperately need to lose this unsightly blubber. I always become fatter at all the wrong places anyway. So the goal now is to tone down at the right places, if you know what I mean. =)
6. The other night's dream rattled me. Why him? I admit, I've wondered how he's been doing since we last talked more than a year ago. It's not that I feel anything for him now. When I look back on it, it was all just a case of wrong timing. Then I wondered, even if the timing was right, would I have said yes to him? Would I have faced all that judgment for him? I really don't know. In the dream I was at my most vulnerable yet I was accepted, all my faults and weaknesses and I was happy. The absence of a love life must be causing these strange dreams. I'd like to keep the past in the past.
7. I'm in love with the song Taiyou no Uta and I've been practicing it on guitar. I'm still not there yet, but it sounds decent enough. Here's the youtube video.
Here's a nice duet. I love the way they harmonize.
8. I really don't want to think too much on it because I believe our friendship should rise above such pettiness. But sometimes I can't help but doubt, not because I don't trust you but because I don't trust myself. I should stop thinking so much and just go with the flow.
9. As mentioned in Amanda's blog, it is rather paradoxical that we end up blogging less now that we have more time. I'm very guilty of that. I had grand plans of updating regularly but it somehow doesn't just happen. Reasons vary from lack of inspiration to sheer laziness to having absolutely nothing interesting to say.
10. I'm scared I'm slowly becoming an apathetic person. My growing indifference is disturbing (note the contradiction). I may have all these idealistic thoughts but they remain just that, thoughts. Have I really become one of those self-centered youths the media always portray us to be? Is it wrong to try to figure out what I want first before caring about other people? Where do I draw the line?
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
When words run wild and free
Thoughts. Thoughts.
More and More Thoughts.
Rushing. Gushing. Images overflowing.
I need a destination.
Stop.
Tell me where it all leads.
Tell me what it all means.
Words. Words.
More and More Words.
Tumbling.Stumbling. Letters mismatching.
A Meandering Prose.
Poetry.
of a thousand Verses.
of a random erratic rhythm.
Voices. Voices.
More and More Voices.
Shouting. Whispering. Reason debating.
Tugging the heart to opposite poles
Silence.
Deafening calming silence
Be my restless soul's refuge.
Monday, June 9, 2008
Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned
*WARNING*
*PMSey rant ahead*
*PMSey rant ahead*
My brother is to blame for my lack of updates.
He's been shamelessly hogging the computer for his own selfish reasons.
His own stupidity led to the destruction of his laptop
( which is undergoing an expensive repair right now)
yet I have to suffer the consequences of him not having a laptop.
I am a reasonable person. I understand that he needs the computer to do his homework.
I have no qualms about sharing the computer even if it means cutting into my time as long as there's a legitimate reason.
But what I get fucking pissed about is when he uses 95% of his computer time playing games and when I announce to him that I'll be needing the computer in an hour ( One fucking hour should be more than enough as a buffer time), he'll mumble something incomprehensible, keep playing for the next 55 minutes, then finally spend the last 5 minutes starting on something he should have finished 6 hours ago.
When it's time for me to use the computer, he'll be fronting a facade of seriousness, pretending to be extremely busy with something supposedly extremely important and insisting for a time extension. Even if I accuse him of being inconsiderate and tell him to scram, he'll have the most irritating arrogant expression stuck on his shit face like an ugly stain I'd like to bleach of with extra concentrated chlorine water followed by a healthy dose of concentrated sulphuric acid.
Yes I'm fuming. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.
I seriously loathe that arrogant, condescending and disrespectful look of his. The number of times he sports that look is directly proportional to the time spent studying in that elite school.
The longer he stays there, the bigger an arrogant shithead he becomes.
And it seriously doesn't help that I'm PMSing at optimum level, the time where the average irritation has a high tendency of evolving into full blown fury.
*official rant over*
The stupid thing is, when I'm angry, I start crying.
Really stupid I know. But I can't help it.
My system was not designed to be the scary loud type of angry.
Instead I'll remain quiet, ignore your presence and scheme up of evil things to do to you.
My imagination scares me sometimes. I read too many violent books.
Out by Natsuo Kirino and The Art of Murder by Jose Carlos Somoza are just a few examples.
But for the record, those are works of geniuses and make a highly stimulating and enlightening read. =)
******************************************
After accompanying her to NUS to submit forms, we headed over to her place for lunch.
I swear she's one person who'll suffer from extreme depression once taxis cease to exist.
(Admit it Nat. Haha.)
We decided to cook our lunch and settled for the sinful pasta carbonara.
Obviously we did not make it from scratch-
I've tried it before but the end result was unsatisfactory-
and so we bought the ready made sauce.
We added bacon, sausages and mushrooms, a far cry from your Pasta Mania version of Carbonara.
It's our tastier, more sinful and more filling version of homemade pasta. =)
It was quite good in fact.
We spent the rest of the day...slacking.
Watched a movie called "Accepted".
A hilarious show about college rejects who form their own college.
It was rather...inspiring
(the whole education-is-to-inspire-and-bring-out-the-passion-and-creativity argument)
but at the same time one can't help but feel gloomy
by the painful realization that education here in Singapore
takes a more pragmatic and serious approach,
an approach which tends to stifle creativity and passion for learning and
instead ingrains in us from very young that those
letters (a.k.a. grades) = good job=good pay=good life.
Spent the rest of the day downloading music, talking, going around the nearby mall, eating prata and lamenting about our expanding cheeks at the same time.
Our laziness and piggy-ness put together is a force to reckon with.
That only leads to one conclusion: Valerie is officially a balyena. ( A blubberous whale)
*insert shrill cry of pained horror here*
I felt so guilty a while ago, I forced myself to go for a run/jog and felt a whole lot better showering off all that sweat. Haha.
I swear this time, upon my piggybank, that I'll pay attention to what I eat and only indulge occasionally. I shall not stuff my mouth with every sweet/creamy/delicious food I set my taste buds on. My gastronomical cravings will be curbed and disciplined.
=)
Pray for me.
Haha.
I'll continue my verbose prose later.
Good night.
