Greetings !

MERRY CHRISTMAS and a

HAPPY NEW YEAR!


i'll blog, later.

*Update*

It's 3.25 A.M.
I'm supposed to wake up in about 3 hours.
Flight is at 9 tomorrow. Have to leave the house by 7 or so.
I think I've caught the Twilight Fever and I'm under this delusion that I'm a vampire and I don't require sleep.

I just don't feel like sleeping. I don't know why.
The thoughts, the vague emotions, they're all just slowly stirring.
It'll give me a reason to be anti social tomorrow evening.

So let me just post some photos up to brighten up my almost-emo blog.

Early Christmas Celebration with my Sushi Family! Xinyi! Where art thou?!

Hung out with Willis on Thursday! Omg. I've missed him so much! We haven't seen each other in 8 years and after a big hug and big grins plastered on our faces, it was like we were back in year 7. And it was Maths class and Maggie Mee all over again. I just realised that we were in the same...everything (except language class). I remember feeling really sad when he left. First it was Yukino then him? Thank heavens for meetings like this! Nat darl! You should have been there with us!


I was going to continue blogging. But I think I"ll finish pakcing up my bag...and go nap for an hour or two. :)

On Contradictions and the Day After

I'm an unbelievable contradiction.
Even I still surprise myself.




I'm so not looking forward to tomorrow.

uber quick post

I wanted to blog a proper entry...then I yawned.
I guess it's not a good time to upload photos and babble.




Why does my favorite TV character have to remind me of you?





In and out of my head, and still wondering at times, what if.




So many thoughts yet I feel stifled.




sleep.

exit.

Why do I even bother when in the end, you'll just do something that will just inconsiderately snap my patience and piss me off? I hate conflicts, so I'm usually the first one to compromise, to accommodate, to tolerate. But that doesn't mean I'm a saint either and I hate it when I've invested feelings and it's simply disregarded. Response to this conflict? Exit.
If attempts to be nice is futile, then indifference it is. I'm irritated. I'll go sleep.


Don't ask. I just had to get that off my chest.

It's 2.29 AM

I wish someone would just know and understand...
sans all the explanation.

~

A brush of cold wind, then
an enveloping warmth
Hard, gripping
Feelings on a chokehold
One. Two. Three.
Dead space in between.
And, It Lingers.
I'm Here. Then I'm Not.
Misstep and fall.
Thought I heard You call.
It's just the wind.
25 minutes. Time.
It'll pass, but I'll remain
in the same moment.

Everything's just part of the scenery.
You, Me, Them.

And Chapter 1 ends

From Left to Right: Shikin, Grace, Regina, Elizabeth, Me, Canphylia

I stole this picture from Shikin's blog. Yes, copyright infringement I know. =) It's Post -COM 204 and check out our tooth bearing grins. True Euphoria. I'll miss my COM204 gang: Regina, Grace and Canphylia. 204 tutorials (not assignments) were the best. Especially if you're in Jimmy's Class. I hope we're all in the same group for COM 205! =) I'll see you dears on Saturday! =)

Anyway, it's finally over. I survived four days straight of exams. And 2 content heavy exams on the same day. Yes, I can conquer anything.

Went to eat at Billy Bombers with Rena ( Xinyi! Why didn't you come!?). Had a very nice meal and a very hilarious conversation. HURRY UP and finish your exams !!! So many things to do!!!

I want to start planning my holidays already. Yes yes I do. =) Slacker days, here I come!!! =)

HAPPY HOLIDAYS PEOPLE!

La Di Da

Biz Law was so not fun. I did not finish. I probably wrote crap for a significant part of it.
Considering it's 80% of the total grade, I'm expectedly doomed.
It's COM 204 tomorrow. Then it's FREEDOM.
I declare tomorrow as INDEPENDENCE DAY.
I should be studying. Instead I'm addicted to GeoChallenge.
I should have never clicked that button. Curiosity killed the cat.
I'm sick of writing. I've probably written kilometres worth of writing for the past 5 Exams.
I'll add in another kilometre tomorrow. If I get my lead right that is. I'm shit scared I'll screw up my lead. I'll go chiong my theory tomorrow to salvage it. Salvage. I've been using that term a lot lately. I guess most aspects of my life need 'saving'. Academically yes. I'll deal with the rest later.
After tomorrow's paper, all I'll probably want to do is go back home, watch TV and SLEEP and immerse myself in bimbotic magazines. Yes, life will be sweet.

I was reading through my Biz Law Notes on the train today, when the train stopped at Dover.
Then I heard a mother ask, "Where's Moses?"
I turned to look and I saw 4 little boys holding hands and scurrying towards their mom.
I wondered what the rest were named. Maybe, Elijah? Abraham?
Then one boy stepped on my bare toe.
In my mind, I named his Judas.
Grrr.

Adios COM 203!

COM 203 is officially out of my life! (for now, as it'll come back to haunt me when I see my results). Just as I expected, I did not know A LOT. About 20 marks gone down the drain. I'm placing all my hopes on the 2 research essays, research which was done just a few hours before the exam. Procrastination should be one of the 7 deadly sins. Wait, it already is. It's SLOTH.
But whatever. It's over.

Well, there's still Business Law. 80% of my grade is based on tomorrows performance. If I survive tomorrow, I can survive anything.

I watched Gossip Girl while eating prata. Not that you need to know.

Tort! Here I come.

The Morning After

I succumbed to the sleep demon and I should be panicking and pulling out each strand of hair right now but I feel strangely calm and numb. I haven't studied for 203 except reading background information on the Tibet issue and going through the first 3 lecture slides, all of which looked highly foreign to me. I started studying at 10 yesterday and after reading about media21 and stuff like that I felt really really sleepy. So I decided to plop down on the sofa and take a nap from 11 to 12. I told my brother to wake me up! At first I couldn't sleep because my Dad came by and he kept telling me to go to my room and sleep and because they all kept making noise I couldn't concentrate on falling asleep. I figured I should just get up and continue studying since I wasn't super sleepy anymore yet when I tried to read on about Singapore Broadcasting woes I couldn't tahan. Eyes saw abstract, arbitrary symbols (a.k.a alphabets) that did not mean anything because the brain refused to attach any significant meaning into it. So I went back to the sofa and tried to have a "power nap" because that's what my brother kept telling me to do. So I did, but during the process of falling asleep I kept thinking about Tibet and Media 21 and National Cinema. WHY THE HELL IS MY BRAIN SO ACTIVE WHEN FALLING ASLEEP AND NOT WHEN I"M READING THE DAMN NOTES. Like effing hell. It took me a long time to fall asleep. I told my brother to wake me up at 5 AM. Now it's 8 AM and my brother is on the sofa that I abandoned in the middle of the night for my comfortable bed in my room. Let me remind myself that its 8AM and that I NEED TO DESPERATELY CRAM SO MUCH MORE. TWO OH THREE HOW I HATE YOU SO. It's really just too much. That A+ is really just a freaking consolation price for an otherwise highly screwed up subject. I will not panic and my Dad is so nice. He told me he'll get me a Bento Set for lunch. I don't deserve this.

I'll shut up now. I just needed to get my brain started.

The Last Meal

Sitting for COM 203 exam is like sitting on the electric chair for execution.
My crime? Procrastination.
The only consolation? I could have my requested last meal.
In 203's case, an A+ for the reflective essay. (Marked by CG! omg!)
Well, if I'm going to die, I might as well die happy.

OK. Time to salvage whatever's salvage-able.
*Looks at the pile of readings and faints*

Ramblings.

If only I could obliterate 203 from my reality.

Then I wouldn't be panicking now.

I wouldn't be feeling like I know NOTHING at all.

Breathe Valerie Breathe.

* Proceeds to Sing "Unwell" at the top of her voice*

Time, where have you gone?

I painted my nails electric blue.

I don't like the colour but since my stress level is off the charts, it's the last thing to care about.

Why does it feel like Mission Impossible without Tom Cruise?

I've been highly addicted to youtube. US politics is fun.

Especially US politics and the Media. Extra Fun.

Why can't the research project be about US Elections instead of China?

I'm rambling. Rambling. Rambling.

I just went to play piano to calm myself down.

Christian songs calm me down.

Temporarily.

GAH.

My Brain Is Fried.

I will sleep it all away and pretend today never happened.

Until of course reality slaps me hard on my face when I see my results.

But as of now, remembering how I felt and what I did today is counterproductive to my preparation for the rest of the exams.

I worked my hands and brain too much today.

It just figures that the subject I attend tutorials and lectures diligently and put in most time and effort in is the one I feel most insecure about.

Yes. It's like wearing white when you have your thing.

And so it begins.

Prep Talk to Self:

I admit, I'm easily distracted.
I admit, my concentration span is not exactly noteworthy.
I admit, my time management this semester is in dire need of improvement.
I admit, I did not put in the amount of effort I should have put weeks before this.
I admit, that I let my emotions get the better of me resulting in lack of discipline.

And yes, I may regret my past actions and the consequences of it.
But I'll be nice to myself, say it's OK, and move on.
I'm flawed. I have my imperfections. I'm human.

It's not about falling, because we'll always fall, it's about getting back up again.

And I'm trying to pick myself up again.

It was an overwhelming first semester. Give yourself a break.



I feel super unprepared for econs. I've grasped the concepts and theory (but it's not exactly bound by super glue). But I haven't had enough practice. I haven't gone through the tutorial questions again (as in redo). Sigh.

I hope I'll be the logical and rational person economists assume people to be.
And I'm hoping my memory continues to work after Sociology Paper.
My brain is filled with graphs and theories of "the Self".

Expect the worst (to be prepared emotionally)
Hope for the best (I want to be pleasantly surprised)

On the bright side, I'm decently confident for Sociology.
At least I don't see D-O-O-M-E-D spelt all over it.

Sleep. Sleep. Sleep. If I'm to survive tomorrow, I better sleep.

Blog Break

The more I successfully plow through Charon's "Ten Questions: A Sociological Perspective", the more I question myself, my beliefs, my "truths", my whole reality.

I will make time to explore the works of Marx, Weber and Durkheim.

On one hand, my university education is stimulating my intellectual curiosity mainly through reading the great works of great thinkers. Yet, the whole cut-throat-race-race environment is not conducive for slow and steady exploration of ideas.

The pressure to attain a certain Grade Point Average takes the fun out of studying-especially when you know that it's not just what you know but , it's what you know relative to others that matters more.

Everything society now is, its beliefs, norms, ideals are all socially constructed and mainly perpetuated by those on top. So why should I subscribe to these?

Sigh. Just another rat in the rat race.

It's difficult to break away from all this, especially when it's as if the whole world is against you.

How apt that I'm listening to Marvin Gaye's, "What's going on?"


Lyrics | Marvin Gaye - What’s Going On lyrics

Back to the Secularization.

Macroeconomics is screaming out to me. Hush, hush, I'll talk to you soon. Soon. Patience.

Paano na kaya?

Paano na kaya?
Di sinasadya
Di kayang magtapat ang puso ko
Bakit sa dinami-rami ng kaibigan ko
Ikaw pa?
Paano na kaya?
Di sinisadya
Ba’t nahihiya ang puso ko
Hirap nang umibig sa isang kaibigan
Di masabi ang nararamdaman

T.G.I.F : Semester 1 Classes Officially End

Zomg.

I just found out today that I've been attending the wrong Econs tutorial for the whole semester.

My tutor, after collating the quiz results, realized that my name was in another tutorial group.

And get this, my actual tutorial group, was conducting the lesson just next door.

It seems that I have royally mixed up my tutorial GROUP number with the tutorial ROOM number.

My tutor assured me that it's OK, that he has informed the coordinator, so I'm not worried.

But the hilarity of it all.

Such grand displays of BLUR-NESS like Rena said, can only happen to me.

Someone crown me Blur Queen now.

What a way to officially end Semester 1.

I screwed up my Econs Quiz though. I did worse than I expected! (insert profanity here)

That's 30% fucking percent down the smelly drain.

Now I need to salvage the other 60%.

My Biz Law Tutor is so nice. She gave an A for Class Participation when all I've done is present once and mumble answers during tutorials.

Then again, it's the only tutorial, along with econs that I've attended religiously.

80% = Exam. I'd like to cling on to my last sliver of hope.

I want to sleep. I dream graphs and tutorial questions. Effing scary.



So much for my happy ending.

Do I write "The End" or "To Be Continued?"

Only time will tell.

5 minute Afternoon Econs Rantings

Econs = Information Overload.

We're covering 80% of the Principles of Economics Book in ONE effing term (a.k.a. 12 weeks) when the dear author of the book, Gregory Mankiw, mentioned in the Preface to the INSTRUCTOR that the whole book is

" designed for TWO- semester introductory courses that cover both microeconomics and macroeconomics".

Don't instructors/curriculum formulator/or which ever sadistic idiot came up with the syllabus read this important section?!

JC people had at least 1.5 years to learn all these!

We're discounted 20% of the book, topics of which happen to be more interesting.

Ok. I'm done being irritated. Back to stuffing my brain.

I like Econs. I just don't like being overly force fed it. It's like stuffing 5 bars of chocolate into my mouth at any given time.

I is Sad. I is Happy. I is feeling Everything.

I'm feeling sad, happy, relieved, troubled, hopeful, despondent, stressed and numb all at the same time.
The -Feeling- Right -Now is the epitome of contradiction. I wonder how the neurons/chemicals/receptors in my body are able to multitask to this extent, inducing me to feel a multitude of feelings in a single moment.

Although I have not been following the U.S. Elections closely, I'm super happy Barack Obama won. He is the full realization of the American Dream. To have an African-American as the president of the United States of America just goes to show that a significant number of Americans have matured to be able to see past racial differences, see themselves firstly as Americans, not as White/Black/Hispanic/Asian whatever they may be. I'd be proud to be an American right now, but since I ain't American, for once, after a very long time, I'll say that I am finally proud of America. I'm sincerely praying that they can finally come together, fix their problems so that the rest of the world can also fix their problems. Like they say, "If America sneezes, the world catches a cold." Yes, Bush did leave a huge mess for Obama to clean up, but I'm hopeful, just as America is hopeful.

"Yes, we can."

Now if I can only apply that same ideal/belief to my studies. =)

Yet amidst this, I'm sad and relieved. I'm sad because today was my last tuition lesson with my kids. They're going back to Korea beginning of next year. It was quite sudden actually. I did not see it coming to be perfectly honest because just last week they were asking me if I could continue during the holidays (I thought the mother was crazy and I told her that the kids should have a break free of tuition! )and until next year. I had already planned on quitting by this year actually, I just didn't know how to tell them. So I hesitatingly relented to continue for one or two weeks during the holidays. I thought good bye would come then. But if there's one thing I've noticed in my life, goodbye's and changes always come so abruptly. (The move from Manila to Cebu was sudden. So was the move from Cebu to Penang, and Penang to Singapore, and to enter SFMS, and to go to JJC and even now, to NTU.) So my life was made slightly easier with this sudden turn of events. It's less sad this way. Even if it didn't happen today, the outcome would have been the same anyway.

Shit, I can't believe how attached I've become to the kids and to the family. When the girl hugged me and said "Teacher! I'll miss you!" I nearly cried. But they're really cute. The mother told me to go to their house when I have free time, to eat ramyun and maybe go out to "watch cinema" before they leave. Hahaha. I'll miss that place. I'll really miss those brats! I'll let myself be sad for now.

But I'm also very relieved. I spent about 7 hours tutoring them each week. Add in travelling time, and that's another 4- 5 hours a week. Add in 1 or 2 hours of lesson preparation. I invested 14 hours a week on them. The opportunity cost of that was sacrificing my study time and personal time. So even though the money was good, I decided that I would quit this year so I can concentrate on school next year. I plan to be more involved in school and I want to volunteer! Thank goodness they made it easier for me because I hate initiating the quitting.

Omg. Omg. Omg. You know what this means? Total freedom during the holidays! =) =) =) I'm now extra motivated to study super hard so that I can enjoy the freedom with a clear conscience (after I blog that is).

But I was really sad today, so I decided to blow my whole paycheck for today on retail therapy and bought clothes! Skirt and dresses! Zomg. Inappropriate Timing, I know, but randomness is the spice of life . Haha. And I bought ammunition for my intensive mugging days to ensure I don't starve in my hall. I'm seriously so impulsive! I need to stop being so!

Here's to them.

Make a Smilebox scrapbook

OK. VALERIE. DRAMA OVER. GO STUDY YOUR BUTT OFF NOW.

Another pointless entry

Stressful periods induce increased blogging.
It is a rather futile attempt to diffuse the pent up stress.

O Holidays, holidays
Wherefore art thou, O Holidays.

I want to ...
go to the beach

eat pasta (yet another craving)
hang out with friends
go shopping
read novels
sleep
watch movies
watch dramas
play basketball
swim, run, cycle, blade
dance
see my grandparents
relax
sleep

anything but

do what I have to resume doing after I blog:

study

Too much. Too much. Lord, give me the strength. Even just to stay awake. =)

I can. I will. I can. I will. I can. I will. I can. I will.

tama na.

Nahuhulog na pa ang puso?
O imahinasyon ko lang ito?

Nakakalito na eh.
Gusto pero ayaw.
Totoo pero hindi.
Takot pero bahala na.
Masaya pero malungkot.

Wala naman mangyayari.
Eh kung meron?

Marami na akong kailangan isipin.
Bakit kailangan ka pang sumingit?
Pinapasingit naman kita.
Gusto ko eh.

ARGH.
TAMA NA! tama na! tama na...
=S

English Tuition Chronicles

Kate: Teacher! Teacher! I want to ask you questions!

She pulls out a thick encyclopedia-like book for kids. Apparently, it was one of those "Why-is-the-sea-blue?" kind of book.
She turns to this certain section and lo and behold, guess what it was about?
Shit or "excrement" as they like to call it. Seriously.
There was a questionnaire there that tells you whether you're healthy based on your crap.
It was written in Korean, so she translated them and began questioning me.
"Teacher, how many times do you go to the toilet? One time? Many times? Or never?"
"What color is your excrement? Dark dark? Brown? Or like, got other colour?"
HAHAHA. From there on I couldn't stop laughing.
Then she asked, "Does it go up or down?" I was like, "Huh? What do you mean?"
"You know, when you excrement (insert reenactment then she pointed to the picture), up or down?"
"You mean, does it float or sink?"
It's ironic that I, the grown up, felt so embarrassed talking about something as basic and natural as doing your business. What more, to a kid, who doesn't see anything, "dirty" talking about it.
I'm even being politically correct in my description here because I know that this isn't exactly a pleasant topic.
At the end of the questionnaire, I got a certain number of point that indicated I should eat more vegetables.
She also shamelessly told me her answers to the questions.
Sigh. The randomness of tuition lessons.

English is super difficult to teach. It's too ambiguous. There are words that can be used as a noun,verb and adjective at the same time. Then there are words with multiple and even unrelated meanings. Then there's the formal versus the colloquial usage of it. Then there's the million grammar rules that you have to follow. Language acquisition really is a complicated and (miraculous) process. It just becomes something "you know".

Teaching tenses becomes really tricky when tricky sentences come about. No wonder those new to the language are so confused. For example,

The event will be held on 25th November.
We will be holding the event on 25th November.

The change in subject, suddenly required a change in the way the verb is written, even though both indicated something (i.e. the event) will be happening in the future. We usually use the auxiliary verb "will be" to indicate future continuous tense. So we say, "She will be studying tomorrow."We then just add an -ing to the main verb. Or in the case of simple future tense we just say, "She will study tomorrow". Then now you have "will be" (indicating future tense) and "held" (past tense of hold) in the same sentence. I know it's like that but I don't know why! Amanda! Linguistics person! Explain please!

Me: So what does 'reply' mean?
Boy: Uhh. Bird is tired, so stops. Then bird "replies". (He then shows with his hands a bird RE-flying away)
-_-

T.G.I.F

I'm tired and feeling slightly demoralized. The pressure from the academic world is getting to me. It just keeps targeting on my insecurities and inadequacies; highlighting, and magnifying each one. Sigh.

My Mom came back home today. Thank you Lord for always ensuring her safety. She gave me that big teddy bear hug I've been needing for a long time and my stress just subsided. I think that's why I like staying at home. Being able to randomly hug her, or settling myself in between my parents in bed (as I've always done since I was a kid) and whining to them, disturbing my dad with my horrible singing and nonsense, having the most retarded and incomprehensible (to others) conversations with my weird brother, having family dinner where the sense in our conversation declines every 3 minutes, plopping down on the sofa and watching TFC. All these spell home, comfort and familiarity. And where everything is transient, family remains. These are the things that means (and will mean) most to me, not the things that I've been expending so much effort and time on now, like nominal exchange rate or theory of money neutrality. It's building relationship with friends that matter more that knowing whether an agent committed a breach of warranty of authority. But the reality is that, we take for granted what's important, and concentrate on the less important. It's scary how being in this competitive pressure cooker environment starts to distort my priorities and view of life.

I'm supposed to be studying right now according to the Highly Ambitious Plan. I'm obviously lagging behind by a significant number of chapters but my brain is too saturated at the moment to internalize any intellectual input. Plus, I've been feeling really edgy the whole day. I skipped breakfast and lunch and ran on a few sips of Red Bull. Yes, sips. That's how effective Red Bull is (on me anyway). I had Soya Milk too. Thank Goodness my Mom cooked delicious sinigang for dinner.

I want to read Natsuo Kirino's new book, Real World. It's a highly twisted story (all her stories are) and her novels leave you to wonder about the dark depths of the human mind. It's scary and provocative. There's blood and gore. Highly entertaining.

The song Womanizer has been on relentless playback in my mind; an earworm that refuses to go away. Seriously, I'll be reading my notes to its tune. Not good. I already have the attention span of a 5 year old so I do not need extra distractions!

I want to go shopping so badly! I want to buy dresses! Haha. But first I need to lose this unglamourous fat. The sad reality is that my Quantity of Stress is proportial to my Gain in Mass. I really need to start valuing my health more because I don't seem to be taking care of it properly. See, we always take the important things for granted.

After watching the documentary, Rulers of the World for Sociology on Tuesday, it became slap on the face evident that the world is screwed up. It was on Globalization - the now ubiquitous word which people can't seem to properly define and decide on whether it's good or bad. Despite the 'economic progress' that results, the lesser known side of increasing inequality in distribution of wealth also exists. I'm fortunately living on the side of the balance that has benefitted from globalization. But what about those left out to survive on a meagre 42 pence a day? Those slaving away in sweatshops? Those trafficked into prostitution? These are problems so large in scale, an individual can't help but feel powerless to do anything. What do I know of hunger (except my hunger pangs that are very much easily relieved?)? What do I know of real poverty? What do I know of the injustice that people face except from a third person perspective? I can merely sympathize but not empathize without looking self righteous or hypocritical. I come from a Third World Country. I've seen these conditions first hand. I know it's not fair. It's not fair that those who colonized us, plundered our resources, left our countries in a messy state (after they've used and abused it), which caused us to borrow money with high interest rate from Them to fix the Mess they've made. So now we're in a debt. A huge accumulating debt. Half the country's budget goes to paying the mere interest on these debts. And the other half stingily distributed to development purposes: education, health, housing. With so little budget on the important things, how can we rise up? If there was justice in the world, they'd (IMF, World Bank) should just cancel these debts that they were part of creating anyway.

Ok. I've ranted enough.
I need sleep.





'Cause I'm trying and trying to walk away
But I know this crush ain't goin' away-ay-ay-ay-ayy
Goin' away-ay-ay-ay-ayy





P.S.

Dear Cute Stranger On The Train Today,

Thanks for brightening up my weary day with your smile
And for making me smile back. :)

Have a break? Blog.

Have a break? Blog.

14 days till The First Two Exams.
I'm desperately trying to cram shit loads of information into my puny brain to crap out during the Exams.
Not an exactly tasteful imagery, but then again, it reflects how I currently feel towards the process of force feeding my brain. The frequency of "ah ha!" moments just made me realized how much I've missed out. If it sounded vaguely familiar once, I finally understand it (to a large extent) now. Yes. I'm making progress. Even if it's at a snail's pace.

I complain that the kids I tutor have the attention span of like 5 seconds, but I am not any better. I have an attention span of about one content heavy paragraph. Another consecutive one, and I just won't get it. Thus it takes me forever to finish one chapter of Econs. 28 chapters suddenly sounds like forever.

I've come up with an Emergency Study Plan that is effective from today onwards. Basically it's an attempt to kill myself. It's highly ambitious and is only attainable if I have concrete concentration, zero tendencies for restlessness, complete focus on the task at hand, miraculous will power and super set determination. The D word (discipline) is yet to be internalized. I refuse to think I'm setting myself up for failure, so I will hang on to this deluded optimism (the one that got me through O/A level) and believe that things will turn out OK.

Right. I need divine intervention.

I think my guardian angel whispered (deliberately in the faintest of voices) to go back to study.
Or maybe it's just guilt.




People always leave, be it you or me.
Relationships are temporary or ever changing.
It gets tiring after a while.
I need something constant.

The effing moment of truth

Zo-my-effin-gawd.
I decided NOT to S/U anything.
I repeat.
I did not S/U
Econs,
Socio,
nor
Biz Law.
Shit.
Yes. I'm a crazy reckless youth gambling around with my G.P.A.
At least I'm not gambling away my life through binge drinking and recklessly driving right?
So if I want to live through this decision with a clean conscience...

I WILL SLAVE AWAY MUGGING IN SOME LONELY LIBRARY WITH NOTHING BUT MY DARLING NOTES AND TEXTBOOKS OUT OF SHEER DESPERATION AND PRAY EVERY NIGHT THAT I DID NOT MAKE A MISTAKE.

I have my reasons and I will stick to them.


If all else fails, I'll blame the NTU system for not allowing me to S/U after my exams. =)

203 quizzes

Answers are up on edventure. Shit.

I hate 203 quizzes.

=(

Erm...moments.

"Teacher, Teacher! I'm so happy today! I got 80 over 100 for my test! So happy!", said the Korean girl I'm tutoring with the biggest grin on her face.
Her happiness was infectious and for a moment there, I forgot about all the stress and frustration I've been feeling.
At least something was going right.

Later on, she took my iPod and listened to the song playing on shuffle. It was Avril Lavigne's "Hot".
In the middle of the song she asked me, "Teacher, who/what is baby?".
It was from the line, "You're so good to me, baby,baby."
"Erm..."

Yet another "Erm..." moment when she asked me what the writing on my shirt meant. It said "Good Girls Are Bad Girls That Never Get Caught". Ha ha ha ha. I told her that I'll tell her when she becomes a teenager. 4 more years. She kept irritating me to tell her.

I want to be a kid again. Such innocence and very low threshold to happiness.
Why can't life be simple?

4 pm ramblings

Having a siesta is my weakness.

No.

Make that, having a highly-extended-I-might-as-well-sleep-the-whole-afternoon siesta.


The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak.

I hearts Sambal fish with rice from Old Chang Kee.

I don't want to go for Econs lecture.

Mulling over S/U options.

NTU seriously needs to do something about this S/U option.
Like now.
What's the point of having this option BEFORE one's exams?
As much as those up there would like to believe that we are able gauge how well can do in a certain module, the simple truth is, we don't have crystal balls that illuminate to us our final grades.
And gut feeling about the subject? We are homo sapiens and we do not act only on instincts.
Why can't we follow NUS's policy and allow students to S/U after the results are out?
Once a subject is S/Ued before the exam, the motivation to study for it decreases greatly.
The most we will do is attempt to pass. Now, this is perfectly OK for those who truly hate the module they are taking and who want nothing much to do with it. But what about for those who actually like the modules they're taking but are unsure of how well they can do in it? This lack of foresight should not be a factor in causing frustration. Because if you like a subject, you'll want to do well in it.
Now if they allow S/U option after the exam results are announced, I won't have to S/U a subject I like and could have done well in. What if I S/U the wrong elective? What if the S/Ued elective's exam was easier than the ones I didn't S/U?
I don't like basing such important decision that involves the ever important GPA on uncertainties and mere gut feeling.
GAH.
The Office of Academic Services sure is taking a long time to review this policy.
Sigh.
I'll go study my Econs now because I have seriously NO idea how I will fare.
*headache*

203 tomorrow morning. I am oh-so-tempted to skip. The business of journalism and Monday blues do not go together.

Need Caffeine.

On current BFF's and Long Lost Friends (LLF)

I hang out with Distraction, Sleep and Procrastination a lot these days. We're like total BFF's now.

On those lazy days, Sleep likes to come over my place. She's always there when I need her. But she's also always there whenever I don't want her around. I never have the guts to tell her to scram. She's really nice to have around, and I do miss her like crazy when I don't see her for a long time, especially when I have loads of school work to do last minute. So that's BFF #1 for you.

As for Distraction? She's probably the most fun person to be around. She's always so random;you won't know what to expect. One minute we're teasing our brains with riddles and the next, playing word challenge, and then we're suddenly watching and gushing over our favorite shows. It's her fault I'm addicted to Gossip Girl! But life would be so boring without her around! That's BFF #2 for you.

And finally, there's Procrastination. She's the carefree, laid back, live-for-now kind of person. Why worry about the future when we're living in the present? That's what she always tells me. A lot of people say I shouldn't hang out with her because she's no good. But when you've known a person for so long, you just feel so comfortable with him/her, you know? She's become an integral part of my life so letting go is easier said than done. And that's BFF #3 for you.

I haven't talked to Sensibility and Discipline for a long time. They do say Hi occasionally. My parents don't like the crowd I'm with now. They always tell me that Sensibility and Discipline were my so- called 'better' friends, because they brought out the better side of me. They're the "good" company, according to them. Sigh, maybe I should give them a call, and you know, catch up?

One of those unnecessary entries

Valerie...
1. was early for lecture today despite dropping by hall first.
2. admits having one siesta too long in the afternoon.
3. was blur during Econs lecture.
4. met fellow Paparazzi main comm people whose Chinese names I have trouble remembering
5. owes Aini money for the pizza.
6. realized she is a Third Culture Kid. (TCK)
7. shared that happy realization with Rena, who can also be classified as a TCK.
8. ate unhealthy instant noodles for supper and tried Chili Crab flavor for the first time.



Valerie is
1. ...guzzling down coffee like it was water.
2. ...attempting to write her 1500 sociology essay which is turning out to be very long winded
3. ...deliberating over her S/U options and is very conflicted.
4. ...trying not to panic over her upcoming Econs quiz which she is semi-clueless about.
5. ...thinking of how to organize her essay while writing this unnecessary entry
6. ...trying again not to panic over her upcoming and more pressing 201 quiz
7. ...still trying not to panic over 203 quiz
8. ...is looking at her bed longingly.

Valerie wants
1. ...fast forward the next 6 weeks so that holidays finally arrive.
2.... to do well for her exams but is terrified of the time constraint.
3. ...to go back to Philippines and give my grandpa and grandpa a hug. Just because
4. ...cheap retail therapy
5. ... to go diving desperately.
6. ... to get everything over and done with
7. ... to read so many novels, especially Natsuo Kirino's latest book "Real World"
8. ...to sleep and skip lecture tomorrow.

Valerie needs
sleep.
now.

Storm

I finally felt the Sense of Urgency and the Panicky Rush 8 hours ago at 3 AM. It was so acute, I could not help but feel trapped in my vision of a tunnel with no end. It was not a pretty feeling. The reality that I have a mere 4 weeks to minimise the potential damage to my G.P.A. is such a slap in the face. I want to do so much better, I do, but this feeling of self doubt is slowly eating at me. It does not help that I am spiritually lost and restless. I've always been but it just seems so much more magnified now when I'm at my lowest point. I keep trying but that elusive faith seems to escape me everytime, and I'm finding it hard to hold on. I know I have family and friends to fall back on, and I'm truly grateful, I am. But when you've been wrestling with personal demons, and been holding on to a belief that an omnipotent Being will be there to fill that gaping hole in your own being for a long time, it tires you out. It makes you lose faith. It makes you wish you had not known what it was like to believe. It makes me want to let go. It's a conflict between desires/expectations and the actual reality. And I can't find a way to reconcile it the two. I wish I could. It's scary how one can feel so alone despite having loved ones around.

I just want to scream and feel alive.
Because I'm slowly finding it harder to smile.
And distractions?
They're the last thing I need.


It's such a beautiful song. I nearly cried when he sang it. It's amazing how songs can capture the very essence of feelings.

Storm by Lifehouse

How long have I been in this storm?
So overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form
Water's getting harder to tread
With these waves crashing over my head

If I could just see you
Everything would be all right
If I'd see you
This darkness would turn to light

And I will walk on water
And you will catch me if I fall
And I will get lost into your eyes
I know everything will be alright
I know everything is alright

I know you didn't bring me out here to drown
So why am I ten feet under and upside down
Barely surviving has become my purpose
Because I'm so used to living underneath the surface

If I could just see you
Everything would be all right
If i'd see you
This darkness would turn to light

And I will walk on water
And you will catch me if I fall
And I know everything will be alright
I know everything will be alright

yet another concert

zomg.
parokya ni edgar is coming.
SHIT.
first lifehouse, now parokya.
it's a conspiracy to make me broke.
wth. i only live once.

Trouble Sleeping

Trouble Sleeping :

It's late and I'm feeling so tired
Having trouble sleeping.
This constant compromise
Between thinking and breathing.

Could it be I'm suffering
Because I'm never give in?
Won't say that I'm falling in love
Tell me I don't seem myself
Couldn't I blame something else?

Just don't say I'm falling in love

Some kind of therapy
Is all I need
Please believe me
Some instant remedy
That can cure me completely

Could it be that I'm suffering
Because I'll never give in?
Won't say that I'm falling in love
Tell me I don't seem myself
Couldn't I blame something else?

Just don't say I'm falling in love
'cause I've been there before and it's not enough
So nobody say it

Don't even say it
I ve got my eyes shut
Won't look, oh
No, I'm not in love

Could it be I'm suffering
Because I'll never give in?
I'm falling love
Tell me I don't seem myself good enough for something else

Just don't say I'm falling in love
Falling in love
Just don't say I'm falling in love
Oh, yeah
Falling love ooh
Oh, oh, don't say that I'm falling in love, don't say that, oh
Just don't say that I'm falling in love, yeah
Just don't say that I'm falling in love
Don't say but in the answer
'Cause I'll never give in
Oh
Falling in love
Yeah
Oh

I always tell others to follow what they feel.
Yet I can't do the same.
I always try to rationalize what I feel.
No wonder I'm so confused.

You made me end my week with a smile.

Random entry of short sentences

Over napped today.
Missed Biz Law Lecture.
Feeling very very groggy.
Finished 204 and 203.
Every assignment
a last minute effort.
Sleep, I just want to sleep.
Slept at 4 am.
Because of stupid brother.
Woke up at 6.30.
Actually went for 201 Lecture
8.30 AM.
2/3 of Ravioli skipped.
CG is marking my essay.
Shit. Why did I do Journalism?
He'll see through it.
Omg. He actually bothered
to put up photos of those
who commented.
My matric photo is shit ugly.
I will not comment.
Need to do Econs tutorial.
Need to do Biz Law tutorial.
Need to stop blogging randomly.
Chicken Chop at Canteen 2 is super nice
sans the coleslaw of course.
Can't concentrate.
Information overload.
Brain cannot compartmentalize.
I need to improve my writing.
Sigh.
I want to paint my nails bronze.
Or milky purple.
Or baby blue.
I want to go shopping.
I just killed an ant.
I just realised, I never found out
who my angel is.
I want to know!
Hopefully I get to watch Lifehouse.
I really want to.
So much for saving money.
Enough randomness for the day.
Good bye.
I feel torpid.

.

fading in and out of reality
need to snap out of this reverie

i just want to get away
is that too much to ask?

Here's a quickie

It’ s been a highly unproductive recess week.
I relaxed, slacked and enjoyed myself at the expense of my studies.
All these, after learning about opportunity costs and cost benefit analysis.
Hail me as Queen Procrastinator.

6 more weeks till my first exam. (Econs and Socio. Just great.)
2 more weeks to write a 1500 words essay on how 2 events have greatly impacted my life and shaped the person I am today.
1 more week till my first ever Econs test which I am highly insecure about. (The insecurity can be likened to that feeling of wearing white while having your thing*)
4 more days till the damn reflective essay is due.
Less than 24 hours to the COM 204 deadline and COM 203 quiz.
5 more minutes before I officially start on my COM204. It just figures that she gives me 2 weeks to do it and I end up doing it very last minute. =)

I need to focus on my “S” goals from tomorrow onwards:
1. Slim Down (I feel like a balyena with all these subcutaneous fat),
2. Save Up (Christmas is around the corner. I need moolah to immerse myself in the spirit of giving. I’ve been spending money as if I crap it out. No good)
3. Study Smart to avoid regrets. This will take some pretty awesome will power which I lack.

Sigh. It's funny how I can write so much on my blog but fail to even write a single sentence for my assignments. When will I ever learn?

I'll come back here when I've accomplished something.

I need a break...on second thought...

Things to do:

COM201:
1. Read bloody textbook and make own notes

COM203:
1. Read 7 weeks worth of readings
2. Notes on 7 weeks worth of readings
3. Start Reflective Essay (URGENT)
4. Start on the damned research project.
5. Post something on the damned discussion board

COM204:
1. Decide on what to do soon. Really soon.
2. Find someone to interview.
3. Writing Assignment (Outline, draft, edit, edit, edit)
4. Watch the news.
5. Read Newspaper. Seriously.

HE191
1. Conquer "Principles of Economics". It's only about 20 chapters=500 pages=a million theories to remember. Gregory Mankiw, you're going to be the death of me. Let that be in your conscience.
2. Notes. Make my own notes.
3. Redo 6 weeks worth of tutorial. By myself.

MB107
1. Revise topics covered for the past 6 weeks.
2. Redo Tutorials. Properly.
3. Notes! Research the damned cases. Collate.

HS101
1. Read and make notes out of 7 weeks worth of Readings.
2. Assignment Essay Part 2
3. Revise Lecture Notes.

Remind me not to take content (and very new content) heavy electives next semester.

There's 3 birthdays coming up. My older brother is coming to Singapore. There's SCI DnD on Tuesday.

I want to escape. Even for a day. Go somewhere. Do nothing but stare at the sky. Fall asleep without a worry in my mind. Have a day where life ain't a mad rush to finish things I will not remember 20 years from now.

*Looks up at the long list to do*

It's only in Singapore where people think that you should be occupied with THINGS TO DO during a BREAK. It contradicts the very essence of having a BREAK, a breakaway from things you HAVE to do. A BREAK should be a time to do things you WANT.

OK I'm just whining. My time and work management just sucks. See, I've totally sucked up this culture I've even learnt to blame it all on myself and not my circumstances
(i.e. The fact that teachers give us assignments right before the break and expect it to be handed up after the break which means they expect us to do it during the break. The fact that they conveniently schedule tests right after the break. The fact that we're required to do so much, complete so many units, when in fact it'll all be rushed and won't be absorbed.

I shall shut up now and do my Biz Law tutorial.

Rant over.

Home

My life lacks punctuation.
Now where did that bloody comma go?

Why is this frustration never ending?
When will I fill this void?
What am I looking for exactly?
How do I go about finding the elusive it?
Where do I go from here?
Which direction is right?

5W1H.

I realized something today.
I think the reason I feel lost in the whirlwind of changes is because I'm away from the only thing that has been constant in my entire life: my family.
From one country,city,house and school to another, they're the only ones remained the same.
And that familiarity was comforting because it provided stability.
The houses we lived in changed yet it always became home because my family was there.
The people, the environment changed yet the atmosphere at home remained the same.
The food, the lifestyle I was exposed to was different yet at home, we maintained the same familiar lifestyle we've had since I was young.
Friends, came and went, some stayed but my family was always there.

I always thought I wanted to get away from them because I found it rather suffocating to be with them all the time.
But now that I got that chance, I finally see the things that I've always taken for granted.
I'm not even that far away from them. It's not like I live in another country (although it is debatable that the ulu-ness of pulau NTU is comparable to living 'abroad').
Yet I'm feeling homesick.
The specific geographical location of it is not important because to be perfectly honest, I don't know WHERE home is. I just know home is where my family is.

I finally realize how dependent I am on them.
I don't mean that I need my mother to do my clothes and laundry (although my laziness always hinders me from doing my laundry in hall =P), or cook food, or keep my room clean.
That's the easy part. Heck I cook, do laundry and iron clothes for the whole family so I know I'm capable.
It's more of being dependent on them for emotional support and stability.

This aspect of independence is harder than I thought.

I wish I had my faith to fall back on.
But even that seems too rocky to rely on.

I need to get myself together.
Seriously.

=)

Lynsey (while talking to Wenshin about poems):
"Get Robert Burns and Do Him. Then I think you should also get Shakespeare and do him too! "

We girls started laughing like mad and making jokes on the pun Do.

As we were getting out of the car, the taxi driver told us...

"You girls don't Do anyone ok?!"

LOL.

We went to Emerald Hill for dinner and drinks (a very happening place I just discovered) and the atmosphere was great (although it was filled mostly by working expats causing me to feel realy young ) . We devoured those peanuts as we drank our cocktails. It was followed by dinner (at that place I always pass by on the way to centrepoint but never really notice) then drinks at Howl at The Moon. We all ordered the Cosmopolitan and had our own version of Sex and the City Toast. Some drunk English guy provided entertainment by doing dances that resembled the mating dances of babboons (If they ever had one anyway, but you get my point)

I fell in love with the pianist, the drummer, the guitarist and the vocalist. I'm talking about the same guy by the way. He plays 10 freaking instruments and he sings sexily too. When Lynsey comes back next year, we'll go back to the same place, I'll down about 7 Cosmopolitans, go up to the stage, sing then ask him to marry me. HAHAHA. Make that 10 Cosmopolitans and a Lychee Martini. I'll go take vocal lessons and improve my piano now.

Oh! And we went on the Singapore Flyer. It wasn't that exciting and it was spent mostly camwhoring (what else is there to do?). We went a bit nuts (mainly because of Nutty Nat) with the camwhoring thing and people must have thought we were rather mental. Hey, we were on Top Of The World!

I forgot how much I really missed Lynsey until I met her again!
And I seriously hope all our plans for next year materialise! Time to save money!

I just feel happy.
Important friendships have amazingly stood the test of time and distance.
I got my Adobe Creative Suite for free thanks to Junhua.
My macbook returned to her normal self after pmsing for an hour(which caused me to worry extensively about the cost of the repairs). I refuse to name my macbook. I like having the flexibility of calling her a bitch one second and my darling baby mac the next. Names are highly dependent on my fickle mood.
Even though I'm struggling with my studies (I just realised that the last time I did NOT struggle with studies was in Uplands. The Land of Bliss. Failing Maths does not count.), I have a renewed sense of confidence (or delusion. must be the alcohol) that I can do well. Please let that feeling linger longer.
My parents are not being anal about me coming home late.
And most importantly,
there's NO 8 30 lecture tomorrow (later)
YES

I shall go snooze now.


Valerie wants to and will learn bartending. One day. Someday.

.

The days are zooming past me.
I need to stop that fast forward function before
I forget why I'm here.

On wild boars, assignments and more

I saw a wild boar from my window today!
I swear I can produce a documentary for National Geographic during my stay here in hall.
My roommate said she saw a whole family of boars! About 10 of them. TEN.
Hakunah Matatah. Pumba. Pumba is a boar right?
OK. Never Mind.

I handed in my 204 ASSignment yesterday.
I have a sinking feeling that I did not do well.
At all. After today's 204 lecture I just realised I did everything contrary to what she taught.
Why couldn't she have given that lecture last week or given the assignment this week instead?
Hmph.
Well, I should not expect so much.
I was sneezing, coughing, having a severe headache, vomiting, and having a slight fever on Sunday while madly rushing for it.
I had to change my topic on Saturday because the people I wanted to interview rejected me or simply ignored my request.
I had to thank my lucky stars that my Aunt (who happened to be relevant and rather important), whom I've never met and talked to before , was available for interview.
OK. Whatever. It's over. Fail if fail. I'll learn from my mistakes. Thank God my tutor seems approachable.

I thought I could finally settle down to catch up on my work, but another problem cropped up regarding my dependent pass just after I handed in my assignment. I now have to go to the Immigration Place, Submit Documents, Write Letters, Call people and Figure out things. The place is all the way at lavender and all my Important Documents are in a mess.

Lynsey is coming to Singapore all the way from Scotland! Time to party! Yay!
And we're having another Sushi Family gathering on Sunday!
I don't care. I'm not sacrificing my social life for school. I'll just go insane. Haha.

I should not be blogging. I should be mugging for 201 Quiz. I made my first mind map today. How amusing.

The Don't s of life so far.

Don't confuse friendliness with closeness.
Don't rely too much on people.
Don't take things too seriously.
Don't let frustration stop you.
Don't forget to bring your umbrella when you go out these days.

Interesting Sociology Readings

This is why I think Sociology is Cool:

Body Ritual Among the Nacirema by Horace Miner


The anthropologist has become so familiar with the diversity of ways in which different people behave in similar situations that he is not apt to be surprised by even the most exotic customs. In fact, if all of the logically possible combinations of behavior have not been found somewhere in the world, he is apt to suspect that they must be present in some yet undescribed tribe.

* * *

Professor Linton first brought the ritual of the Nacirema to the attention of anthropologists twenty years ago, but the culture of this people is still very poorly understood. They are a North American group living in the territory between the Canadian Cree, the Yaqui and Tarahumare of Mexico, and the Carib and Arawak of the Antilles. Little is known of their origin, although tradition states that they came from the east.

Nacirema culture is characterized by a highly developed market economy which has evolved in a rich natural habitat. While much of the people's time is devoted to economic pursuits, a large part of the fruits of these labors and a considerable portion of the day are spent in ritual activity. The focus of this activity is the human body, the appearance and health of which loom as a dominant concern in the ethos of the people. While such a concern is certainly not unusual, its ceremonial aspects and associated philosophy are unique.

The fundamental belief underlying the whole system appears to be that the human body is ugly and that its natural tendency is to debility and disease. Incarcerated in such a body, man's only hope is to avert these characteristics through the use of ritual and ceremony. Every household has one or more shrines devoted to this purpose. The more powerful individuals in the society have several shrines in their houses and, in fact, the opulence of a house is often referred to in terms of the number of such ritual centers it possesses. Most houses are of wattle and daub construction, but the shrine rooms of the more wealthy are walled with stone. Poorer families imitate the rich by applying pottery plaques to their shrine walls.

While each family has at least one such shrine, the rituals associated with it are not family ceremonies but are private and secret. The rites are normally only discussed with children, and then only during the period when they are being initiated into these mysteries. I was able, however, to establish sufficient rapport with the natives to examine these shrines and to have the rituals described to me.

The focal point of the shrine is a box or chest which is built into the wall. In this chest are kept the many charms and magical potions without which no native believes he could live. These preparations are secured from a variety of specialized practitioners. The most powerful of these are the medicine men, whose assistance must be rewarded with substantial gifts. However, the medicine men do not provide the curative potions for their clients, but decide what the ingredients should be and then write them down in an ancient and secret language. This writing is understood only by the medicine men and by the herbalists who, for another gift, provide the required charm.

* * *

Beneath the charm-box is a small font. Each day every member of the family, in succession, enters the shrine room, bows his head before the charm-box, mingles different sorts of holy water in the font, and proceeds with a brief rite of ablution. The holy waters are secured from the Water Temple of the community, where the priests conduct elaborate ceremonies to make the liquid ritually pure.

In the hierarchy of magical practitioners, and below the medicine men in prestige, are specialists whose designation is best translated as "holy-mouth-men." The Nacirema have an almost pathological horror of and fascination with the mouth, the condition of which is believed to have a supernatural influence on all social relationships. Were it not for the rituals of the mouth, they believe that their teeth would fall out, their gums bleed, their jaws shrink, their friends desert them, and their lovers reject them. They also believe that a strong relationship exists between oral and moral characteristics. For example, there is a ritual ablution of the mouth for children which is supposed to improve their moral fiber.

The daily body ritual performed by everyone includes a mouth-rite. Despite the fact that these people are so punctilious about care of the mouth, this rite involves a practice which strikes the uninitiated stranger as revolting. It was reported to me that the ritual consists of inserting a small bundle of hog hairs into the mouth, along with certain magical powders, and then moving the bundle in a highly formalized series of gestures.

In addition to the private mouth-rite, the people seek out a holy-mouth-man once or twice a year. These practitioners have an impressive set of paraphernalia, consisting of a variety of augers, awls, probes, and prods. The use of these items in the exorcism of the evils of the mouth involves almost unbelievable ritual torture of the client. The holy-mouth-man opens the client's mouth and, using the above mentioned tools, enlarges any holes which decay may have created in the teeth. Magical materials are put into these holes. If there are no naturally occurring holes in the teeth, large sections of one or more teeth are gouged out so that the supernatural substance can be applied.

* * *

It is to be hoped that, when a thorough study of the Nacirema is made, there will be careful inquiry into the personality structure of these people. One has but to watch the gleam in the eye of a holy-mouth-man, as he jabs an awl into an exposed nerve, to suspect that a certain amount of sadism is involved. If this can be established, a very interesting pattern emerges, for most of the population shows definite masochistic tendencies. It was to these that Professor Linton referred in discussing a distinctive part of the daily body ritual which is performed only by men. This part of the rite includes scraping and lacerating the surface of the face with a sharp instrument. Special women's rites are performed only four times during each lunar month, but what they lack in frequency is made up in barbarity. As part of this ceremony, women bake their heads in small ovens for about an hour. The theoretically interesting point is that what seems to be a preponderantly masochistic people have developed sadistic specialists.

The medicine men have an imposing temple, or latipso, in every community of any size. The more elaborate ceremonies required to treat very sick patients can only be performed at this temple. These ceremonies involve not only the thaumaturge but a permanent group of vestal maidens who move sedately about the temple chambers in distinctive costume and headdress.

The latipso ceremonies are so harsh that it is phenomenal that a fair proportion of the really sick natives who enter the temple ever recover. Small children whose indoctrination is still incomplete have been known to resist attempts to take them to the temple because "that is where you go to die." Despite this fact, sick adults are not only willing but eager to undergo the protracted ritual purification, if they can afford to do so.

* * *

The supplicant entering the temple is first stripped of all his or her clothes. In everyday life the Nacirema avoids exposure of his body and its natural functions. Bathing and excretory acts are performed only in the secrecy of the household shrine, where they are ritualized as part of the body-rites. Psychological shock results from the fact that body secrecy is suddenly lost upon entry into the latipso. A man, whose own wife has never seen him in an excretory act, suddenly finds himself naked and assisted by a vestal maiden while he performs his natural functions into a sacred vessel. This sort of ceremonial treatment is necessitated by the fact that the excreta are used by a diviner to ascertain the course and nature of the client's sickness. Female clients, on the other hand, find their naked bodies are subjected to the scrutiny, manipulation and prodding of the medicine men.

Few supplicants in the temple are well enough to do anything but lie on their hard beds. The daily ceremonies, like the rites of the holy-mouth-men, involve discomfort and torture. With ritual precision, the vestals awaken their miserable charges each dawn and roll them about on their beds of pain while performing ablutions, in the formal movements of which the maidens are highly trained. At other times they insert magic wands in the supplicant's mouth or force him to eat substances which are supposed to be healing. From time to time the medicine men come to their clients and jab magically treated needles into their flesh. The fact that these temple ceremonies may not cure, and may even kill the neophyte, in no way decreases the people's faith in the medicine men.

* * *

In conclusion, mention must be made of certain practices which have their base in native esthetics but which depend upon the pervasive aversion to the natural body and its functions. There are ritual fasts to make fat people thin and ceremonial feasts to make thin people fat. Still other rites are used to make women's breasts larger if they are small, and smaller if they are large. General dissatisfaction with breast shape is symbolized in the fact that the ideal form is virtually outside the range of human variation. A few women afflicted with almost inhuman hyper-mammary development are so idolized that they make a handsome living by simply going from village to village and permitting the natives to stare at them for a fee.

* * *

Our review of the ritual life of the Nacirema has certainly shown them to be a magic-ridden people. It is hard to understand how they have managed to exist so long under the burdens which they have imposed upon themselves. But even such exotic customs as these take on real meaning when they are viewed with the insight provided by Malinowski when he wrote:

Looking from far and above, from our high places of safety in the developed civilization, it is easy to see all the crudity and irrelevance of magic. But without its power and guidance early man could not have mastered his practical difficulties as he has done, nor could man have advanced to the higher stages of civilization.

Hall Life Complains.

OMG.

Those fucking birds have been communicating for over a few hours now.

I did not pay 200 dollars to experience the jungle life and hear birds screech and chirp endlessly.

I'm stressed, sleepy, cranky, moody and I have nothing but violent images involving guns and those cursed birds in my head.

I'll continue this rant during Econs lecture. Which starts in 15 minutes.

Run Valerie Run.

Maybe not.

The little things

My fickleness is amusing.
I'm constantly swept away by my plethora of emotions.
Result? A myriad of last minute decisions that somehow... feel right.
Or maybe I've just been so good at deluding myself.


It's the little things that make me smile.
It's also the little things that hinders that smile.

I'll take all these slowly and in a positive view.
There's more to look forward to in life and be grateful about.
I've been a sulky girl but I was just being honest to myself.

I'm grateful for the random encounters I've had so far that has helped me see things differently.
I'll continue hanging on to that hope, even if I struggle. Struggle is a constant part of life yeh?

Kaya ko to.

Endless Angsty Ramblings

I don't want to go for lecture tomorrow. I want a one week holiday. I'm having a severe case of holiday withdrawal symptoms.
This is bad. It's already the 4th week and I'm still as lazy as ever. Not good Valerie. Totally not cool.
I have a scary amount of readings to do. I'm still in denial.
I don't know where the enthusiasm to start the new chapter of my life (a.k.a. University) flew off too.
Maybe I was simply faking enthusiasm to psyche myself for the fate handed to me.
Because to be completely honest, this is not what I truly wanted. Yes, it was the next best option but it was never really my dream.
I wanted to get out. But I remain stuck, for many reasons. For many valid reasons I've come to accept. Or still coming to terms with.
Maybe it'll work out for the best. I need to have faith. But I never had much faith to begin with.
Faith has been elusive for a very long time now and I simply feel tired.
Tired of hanging on to that hope, to that promise I don't understand, to beliefs I cannot justify.
I feel/am detached. I hate it yet am comfortable with it.
I find myself enjoying my solitude (I always have but it's been upped to a new level)
I think too much. I worry too much. I care too much. And I don't care too much. Try making sense of that.
I don't know. I just feel like I've just lost myself.
I've forgotten what's important. I've surrounded myself with a wall. Never trusting people fully. Never trusting, even myself.
I see the apathy that has crept into my life, and taken a strong hold. The notion "ignorance is bliss" becoming increasingly familiar.
Fear fear fear. Now there's always fear of this and that. Irrational baseless fear.
I feel pressured yet I don't care.
I want to do so many things yet I don't, because I don't know where to start and I don't have enough courage nor will to do it.
I don't know when I crawled back into this shell. This comfort zone. Stagnant.
Everything's moving. Everything's changing. Everyone's changing. And I'm constant.
It's a conflicting thing, wanting to change and not change at the same time.
I want to laugh. Really laugh.
I want to cry. Really cry.
I want to feel pure unadulterated happiness, even sadness.
I don't want mere confusion and emptiness.
Yes, emptiness. Even amidst everyone, despite everything, the void lingers.
Am I ungrateful? Maybe I am. Am I being selfish? Maybe I am.
I want to have a connection with someone, without having to try.
I want to get away, from everything. From everyone. Not because I hate everything and everyone but simply because I want to get away.
This.has.got.to.stop.or.bye.bye.sanity.

I've rambled on for far too long.
Need to get back to my sociology homework.
" What is your ideal for a romantic partner?"
Wentworth Miller.

Just because.

Econs Lecture Distraction

Income Tax vs. Consumption Tax.
After one and a half hours of monotonous droning, she finally touched on the chapter I haven't read in advance.
One common advice for students is to do advance reading before a lecture. But the drawback to this is that when I understand the content sufficiently by simply reading the textbook, I zone out during lecture. Repetition is good, when it's done creatively and when it provides new insights (by pointing out things you've missed out while reading). But repetition during a lecture (such as the one I'm in now), where the lecturer basically cuts and pastes the content from the textbook and says the exact.same.thing.as.the.textbook, would inevitably lead to loss of interest and concentration.
Sigh.

5 more minutes. I can do this. I want to eat pasta.


Her eyes did a systematic scan of the lecture hall.
And disappointment set in as she realized, the object of interest was nowhere in sight.
Focus. Taxes. Progressive. Proportional. Incentives.
Left. Right. Left Right.
TGIF suddenly meant so much more.

It's that...

It's that state of mind, where thoughts are like the fragments of a torn love letter, slowly scattered by the unforgiving wind. And I, frantically reach out to every piece, an attempt to salvage every word, every phrase, every sentence so that Meaning might not be lost.

It's that emotional state, where emotions, of all colour and gravity, beg desperately for one's attention but like those colourful exotic birds we like to admire, we trap inside cages. Denying their freedom, suppressing their very nature to fly wild and free.

It's that state of being, where one is neither here nor there, stranded in a purgatory of sorts, where every prayer seems unheard and every question remains unanswered. How long do I have to knock before the door is opened? How long do I seek before I find it? How long do I asked before it is given?



I just need to know that You'll be there. Is that too much that I'm asking for?

Earworm of the Day

You make me so hot
Make me wanna drop
It's so ridiculous
I can barely stop
I can hardly breathe
You make me wanna scream
You're so fabulous
You're so good to me baby, baby
You're so good to me baby, baby


- Hot by Avril Lavigne

This.is.stuck.in.my.head.
If only there was someone to sing this to. Haha.

Why did you suddenly appear in my mind?
Ridiculous.

Hindi maintindihan...ang ibig mong sabihin

Kahapon ko pang sinasabi sa sarili ko na OK lang yun. OK lang na hindi ako nakapasok.Yun rin naman ang hinala ko eh. Ang hindi ko lang maintindihan (at ang medyo kinaiinisan at hinanakit ko) ay yung pag iwas mo sa pag tingin sa akin. Yung pa sikreto ninyong pag pasa ng mensahe sa isa't isa. Baka ako lang ito. Baka masyado ko lang itong iniisip. Alam ko nagpadala na kayo ng email, pero bakit wala ka man lang paliwanag? Kahit kaunti man lamang. Kahit man lang, "Sorry ha, marami talaga kasing sumali eh." Kaya ko naman tanggapin yun eh. Hindi naman sa feeling-close ako, pero yun nga lang, akala ko na may kahit kaunting kahulugan yung pinagsamahan nating lahat. Alam ko hindi ako kasing ganda nila, wala rin akong karanasan kagaya ng iba. Siguro hindi rin ako ang pinaka malapit sa inyo o pinaka sikat. Pero ang feeling ko kasi, hindi man lang ako binigyan ng pagkakataon para matuto o para man lang ipakita na may kaya naman ako. Hinusgahan agad ako dahil hindi ako ganun kaganda at wala pa akong masyadong karanasan. Para bang hindi ko kayang matuto.
Sinabi ko na hindi ko ito gagawing personalan. Pero eto ang nararamdaman ko eh. Hindi ko mapigilan. Siguro naninibago lang ako sa katotohanan na talagang hindi makatarungan ang mundo. Na siguro, masmadali sa may itsura ang makuha ang gusto nila. Alam ko medyo OR ako. Kasalanan ko rin naman na hindi ko sineryoso ito.
Sa ngayon, ayaw ko ng isipin to.
Naninibago lang talaga ako sa buong experience at culture dito.
Nakakamiss yung dati, nung mas madali pa ang lahat. Ngayon hindi lamang yung utak ko ang sinusubok eh. Pati ung mga inakala ko, yung pakikisama ko sa iba't ibang tao. Nakakapagod.
Nakakainsecure lang na lahat ng tao dito alam kung ano gusto nila sa buhay, may ambition, may kakayanan. Obvious pa, diba? Para bang, Lord, bakit sila lang, nasaan yung akin?
Naguguluhan ako dahil hindi ko alam kung saan ko ipoposisyon ang sarili ko. Ipagpatuloy yung ganito, na wala lang paki (sa labas) pero sa loob, gulong gulo at hindi komportable. O baka kailan kong subukan mas maging masaya, mas vocal. Nung JC wala naman akong ganitong mga iniisip eh. Kontento ako sa posisyon ko. Hindi man akong kilala, pero OK lang yun kasi at least na-aalala ako ng mga tao. Pero ngayon, para bang, wala lang, medyo OA pero parang nawalan ako ng importansya.
Bakit ba ganoon, akala ko kilala ko na sarili ko, na hindi na ako magpapadala sa mga iniisip ng iba, na hindi ko na iintindihin yung mga mababaw na problema. Na kaya kong maging sarili ko. Pero sa totohanan, hindi ako ganun ka lakas eh. Para sa akin, importante parin na makita ako na may kasama, na hindi nag iisa, na kilala ako ng mga tao, na meron akong importansya. Hai Naku.

Tamana tamana tamana. Hindi na ako masyadong magiisip. kinailangan ko lang ng release. Wag ninyong pansinin ang pinagsusulat ko.

P.S. It's damn tiring to write in Filipino.

Monday Morning Thought

It just gets harder from here doesn't it?












Hanging on to that sliver of Hope.
Please let me know You're watching over me.

On Emotions, Resolutions & The Lingering Homesickness

"Let the good times roll. The Roller Coaster will lift you up 203 feet, drop you down 144 feet and leave your pulse trying to catch up to 67 mph. Simulating a jet fighter's barrel roll, you'll turn 180 degrees, hang 86 feet in the air, take the famous "heartline" twist and dive, and get your negative g's on! Ah, what a rush."

This is the way New York New York Hotel in Las Vegas described its famous roller coaster ride which I braved with my brothers a few years back.

This is exactly how my emotions have been the past two weeks, more specifically, the past few days: the cliched roller coaster ride.

I questioned why I've been harboring negative feelings about everything going on around me when I should be grateful for the opportunities and confidently taking a forward stride to face all these challenges.
But I realized that I've been expecting too much of myself, of others and of my general situation.

This whole transitional phase has left me feeling tense, confused, frustrated and incompetent. But that is because I chose to focus on the negative parts (don't we always). Compound that with the effects of P.M.S and all small things become magnified. Thus, I ended up feeling shittier than usual.

For one,

I need to stop comparing myself to others. It's the major source of frustration.
Reminder to Self: You would not have gotten in if they did not think you were equally capable. It's as simple as that. So experience or no experience, you came here to learn what you've always wanted to learn.

I need to learn discipline. Without it, this whole 4 years will be as messy as the roads of Manila.
Reminder to Self: You've gotten far too comfortable with the nanny system where everything was given to you. Every aspect of your education is now your Responsibility. Grow up.

I need to stop thinking about unnecessary things so much. Too much of it can lead to brain atrophy.
Reminder to Self: Worrying won't get you anywhere. Being a compulsive worrywart is something you have to definitely change. Always look on the bright side of life. *whistles*

I need to stop my emotions and fears from getting the best of me. Stagnation is the only end result.
Reminder to Self: It's OK to feel but don't let those feelings control you. You are more than your feelings. Jump right into the sea of uncertainty. Struggle if you have to. Believe in NIKE's "Just do it".

I need to remember that I have a wonderful family that loves me and great friends around me.
Reminder to Self: They're just a text/call away. Even if some friendships drift away, you yourself know that strong friendships can last longer that you expect it. Have faith in those people and in yourself.

Ok. I should stop this Gollum/Smeagle-like monologue. After feeling rather depressed the past few days and attempting not to show it have been arduous.
The barrage of New Everything makes me miss the Old & Familiar Everything.

Thank God Familiarity is simply a bus & MRT ride away.
=)

Ok. Time to do my Business Law and Econs homework.