IVF#3 booked in!

Yesterday I had a consultation with the nurse to be booked in for IVF#3! I will stop my pill on 31st December (what a great start to the new year!) and I have my baseline scan 5th January 2012!!

I have not felt anything since being booked in, not excited, not hopeful, not dreading it, just nothing. I feel each time we do this it seems to get a bit more like a ritual, just going through the motions. When I get nearer to it I am sure I will be excited, but not right now.

I am amazed at how quick we are booked in though, its funny how sudddenly accomodating they can be now that I am paying! No more NHS, but a much quicker, expensive service!

Intralipids

Some of you are unsure about intralipids, if they are worth it etc. A lot of you seem to be positive about the though.

I appreciate people's opinions on intralipids and I know they are not a magical potion. I have had four failed cycles and we are at the point financially and emotionally that we may explore other options, like adoption soon. I want to feel that before we do that we have tried everything posible. From research it does not seem to be harmful and so I think it is worth a go.

If it works then I will not mind how I get my BFP and I will not know if it was the intralipids or just luck, but I'm sure I won't care the reason!

High NK cells

I went to see my RE today and got my blood results. My NK cells are high which I think I am pleased about. It means that it could be the reason for my -ve cycles? It also means that there is a new plan of action. My RE wants me to have intralipids and start on baby Asprin and I will be having the short protocol this time.

I am feeling a lot more positive after this consultationa and we are thinking we will do IVF#3 in January 2012. New year, new treatment, new outcome?

Who knows!

How many is too many?

How many cycles can I go through before I completely breakdown, before I give up? I have had 2 failed IVFs and 2 failed FETs. This seems like so many to me, yet I know some of you have had more and keep going. I am not too sure how many more I can do. How much longer I can cope with the bitter dissapointment.

This said, I am not ready to give up yet. I realises this contradicts what I just said! DH and I want a family more and more each day and it is feeling less likely each day.

The depression is winning I think. I have been aware of my depression for a long time, but I have refused to let it take over. I keep pushing it back, telling myself I am strong, I can handle anything. Truth is, I don't think I can keep it truly at bay for much longer.

Things have changed

I have been TTC for over 3 years now. I can not believe it has been this long. I can not believe we are no closer to having a baby, no closer to having a family.

I never thought it would be this hard, or take so long. I knew this was going to be a hard and long journey, but not this hard or long.

With no more goes on the NHS and no money I do not know what we are going to do. I am waiting for my immune testing to come back and then we shall see.

I have changed so much these last three years. I have become less hopeful, I have become less cheery, I have become less sociable, I hate my body even more. I have put on a front for so much of my life, with all of the bullying I had at school and all these years of TTC in secret. Now that the world knows of our failed cycles etc, I feel that I do not have to put on as much of a front. I thought this would be a good thing, but actually it just shows people just how depressed I am. People ask how I am because of this, but they do not really want an answer, they just want to hear 'I am fine' and put on a fake smile. They then feel they have done their bit, been a friend and all is good.

The honest answer of 'not really' seems to cause my friends to pity me and then make them feel uncomfortable as no one really knows what to say or do to. Sadly there is nothing anyone can do or say to make this better (except for giving me their baby!)