a supper-talking session wif nesta left me wanting to cry. it took alot not to break down in front of him. i nvr do and i am fuking not gonna start now.

i know wat u said makes a lot of sense. i had the same things going thru my messy head. i know that i dun haf anyone else to blame cept for myself over everyting that is happening.
and that i nd to get rid of the 'i cant be fuked' attitude. but to be honest, i really lost all my drive and i really cant be fuked looking for it. i cant be fuked wif anyting and everyting.

everyting seems to be wrong. everyting thats happening seems to be like landmines which keeps popping up one after another. and its all mine. the fault is always mine. have i not ever tried hard enuff? please understand that i just dunno wat to do at the moment. right at this very moment. i just dun fuking do. i tried. prolly not hard enuff as its always been pointed out but i really did. but notings eva enuff. noting is EVA fuking enuff. not for everybody else.

you haf no idea how much i looked at the mirror and smirked at the person looking back at me. despising her coz i know that she culd be alot betta than wat and where she is at the moment. prolly shes just procastinating. but please dun blame her. please dun tell her shes not worth it. please understand that she has so many tings going thru her head and she just dunno where to start. she doesnt know wat to prioratise coz everyting seems wanting to be number one on her fuking list. so she ends up doing wat she always does the best.
she fuking runs away. she fuking walks away everytime sumone shoved sumting at her face. why?
coz she cant stand having it anymore. she has got everybody else's feelings to think about and she forgets abt her own. shes really trying her bestest at the moment, praying at one point soon things wuld turn for the betta. before she breaks down for good. shes really tired. she had enuff.

i hate myself. i just fuking hate myself.

omg. can i say omg? again?? lol
well its been a weird 2 days to be honest.

suprisingly, Billy's back. almost had me choked on my lunch upon hearing his voice.
we met up for coffees and talks. being wif him feels like being 18 all over again. haha!
he seems diff now. alot more matured. i might be wrong. but lets gif him the benefit of the doubt.

den he leaned over and kissed me. like he always does wen he sees me.
now, that feels good. lol. so naughty me leaned over to kiss him again. haha.
hence why i felt like 18 all over again. i tink. i dunno.
but i tink we dated wen we were 16 so being 18 doesnt rly cut it.
do u know wat i mean?

nwayz B, lets go to the zoo sumtime soon k. lets haf a date to the zoo. i dun think we eva had a date so it be nice. at least for the fun of it. Plus u know i've been wanting to go to the zoo since like foreva. :) so lets go. <3

i tink ur like a knight in shining armor who picks up a damsel in distress and drops her a few times wich leaves her to see birds flying ard her head. i tink thats wat u do to me. but i nvr fret coz whether far or soon, i know i will definitely see you again. (tho lets haf the zoo date b4 you leave)!!

my heart almost skipped a beat wen i heard u said hello on vent. its been ages since i last heard it and i tot i wuld nvr had a chance too.
it doesnt help. it only made me miss you a whole lot more.
and those things that you said. unintentional or intentionally, it shudnt haf been said.

but you made me smile tonight. the smile i nvr tot i wuld be able to. and those lil quarrels we used to haf. it feels good to haf them back. and to do it again wif you.

i still love you hun. i always haf been.