i dun nd to explain further.
my week does not seem complete without them.
much <3 style="font-size:180%;">

after 3 yrs of not celebrating raya, i feel this year aint much difference. i mean, i am happy to be wif the family and having to hear my dad takbir - i culdnt ask for more. but it wasnt as i anticipated it to be. death made no diff tho. it brought everyone closer i think. death always does bring the living ones closer. i met relatives i hadnt seen in yrs.

i was in town wif my boy kuzzy on the 1st day of raya coz i didnt feel like hanging ard at my aunty's place. plus the boy kuzzy wants to send food to his workmates. so there we were, all dolled up in our raya best sipping coffee at starbucks :) having everyone look twice at us. and we were at the airport in the evening to pick up our dearest gerl kuzzy whose came back from her flight to sydney.

i was doing closing shift on the 2nd day raya. wich was a mistake coz apparently the family decides to do some visiting. i managed a few b4, i had to rush off to work in, again, my raya best. ah well, it was all good tho. i had a good d session wif SM and Pendek after work. after that it was pretty much routined. i got weds and thursday off tho.

i dunno. all i am glad is that i get to spent it wif beloved family. thats abt it.

how do i explain? that as much as i know i need to move on, its been so hard. these tears has not stop falling since last night when i knew. yes hun, i knew. it was right in front of eyes but i didnt pick it up. not until i read wat you wrote. and i put 2 and 2 together.

the hurt i tot was healing began to bleed again. and everything came back to square one. its not a blame. you could haf told me tho i know it isnt my place to know. but you knew. you knew how much you still mean to me. i knew i like you the first time i saw you. i knew i love you wen u told me to stay and not leave. i knew i want to spent the rest of my life wif you since valentines. when you wrote all those things.

i dunno how u culd stop loving sumone. i just culdnt do it hun. i spent the last 2 mths thinking that i am over it. and i still shed these tears for you. i spent the last few mths telling myself that i am not in love wif you and everyday it felt like i am lying to myself.

i am not trying to make this your problem. i am just baring wat i tink i shud haf bared in a longest time. you once asked if i could wait for you. even if the mouth said that i culdnt. you knew the heart will always wait for you. tho i am saying the truth wen i say 5 yrs is a tad bit too long. but it wuldnt haf made a difference coz i know that your the man i want to spent the rest of my life with.

but things changed since then. i dun tink that question mattered.
and i also know i nvr had the courage to ask you those questions for answers i needed to know. i would nvr be strong enough to hear that you dont love me again. i know wat u feel wen i left you at the airport. i am not being in denial nor am i naive. i know.

let me do this my way. it may take the longest time and prolly making the mistake of letting the next person go due to my heartache.

i love you. and i will always love you.
right now, i just need to learn to let it go and move on as i shud haf 4 mths ago.

my grandma has passed on earlier. it wasnt painful at least i wuldnt tink so. it happen at home so it was all good. thanks to those for the smses. very much appreciated. :)

to my partners at SB, thanks for all the condelences, tots and love. :)
to my 2 fav kuzzins, thanks for being der. much <3

to the rest whom i didnt get to tell. pardon me but i am kinda messy at the moment. its been a long 4 days for me.
to my babes, i dun tink i am able to make it for dinner. we shall meet up soonish.

i love her and appreciate everything she has done for me, my family and us.
thanks for putting me thru my degree. :)
my prayers will always be wif you.

i feel sick of myself. mistakes i told myself repeatedly i wuld avoid happen once too many times. i tend to get lost in excitement. and wen that happens, i tend to use my feelings instead of using my head to tink. not the best reason to validate my doings but thats that.

earlier i had it handed to my face. i am still overly furious over the fact that i was being dragged into sumting i was nvr apart of. i am not saying it aint my fault. it is. it shudnt haf happen and it did. noting for me to say that wuld make it right. wats done is oready done. but one thing, one small thing i dun understand is why was it made known?

the last i felt this shittiest and sick of myself was a couple yrs back. i cannot imagine i felt this much abt myself now. its just so sickening. i feel like running away. packing up and just leave.
looks like i am back to running. i dunno why. i haf this extreme feeling of packing up and leave. and i tink i might just do that.
i hate myself. but i am not going to apolagised over sumting that takes 2 hands to clap.