its been so surreal sumtyms. that its beginning to scare me. alot more than usual. constant random tots begin to fill my head. tho i tink i haf already made the decision but i keep questioning myself ova and ova again. till i tink it drives me insane at sum point.
pardon me for the thinking too much. it comes naturally.


i am torn in btw. i am not sure if i am actually willing to risk the stakes i haf to put to haf wat i want. i am afraid. on the other hand, i do want to see how all of these will turn out. i want to take those baby steps and go right thru the end. i noe i cant haf both even i do wish i can. i want sum ways that might do gd for both side. and for myself. esp for myself.

how do i get away from not being selfish by wanting sumting for myself?

Australia's celebrated raya a day earlier. on a monday. the day seems very routined for me. going abt doing my own stuffs. there was no point really. i reckon. for obvious reasons.


today i woke up at 6am. and felt all mushy and sad.
i wuld gif anyting just to hear my dad saying the takbir at the mosque. i miss that. and him. and the whole family.
i didnt get to speak wif him in the morn due to uni. and i didnt haf any credits left on my phone. i had to wait till the late evening wen i heard all their voices. and i tink dad's a bit upset wif me.
haiz!

this is my 3rd yr celebrating my bdae w/o familiar faces. my families and my frens. i tink i haf grown acustomed to it. well, i do pretty much spent most of my bdae by myself back home. i cannot imagine that i was here wen i was 21+. fighting for wat i tot wuld be for the betta of my life. it wuld be in tym to come. prolly. and i remember den dat i tell myself it wuld only be for awhile. that 'awhile' seems so long wen i was going thru the process but it seems like yesterday wen i look back today. i did also tell myself dat i will be back after i grad. no getting of pr or nonwatsoeva.

now, its different. i am gonna make wat seems like to be the biggest deal in my life. the one wich will change everything. of course i am afraid. wouldnt you? but i am gonna make it.

why? because i noe i haf him to go thru each step of the way wif me. no matter if its is gd or bad. and that makes me feel safe. he makes me feel save.

the bdae couple.

btw hun, happi anni! i look forward to having alot more of those to come.

<3

thank you.
for putting up wif me. for spoiling me to bits.
for all the pick-ups and drop-offs to/fro uni most tyms. for staying up & accompanying me to study during my exams.
for seeing me whole wen i am all broken. for believing in me wen i stop hoping.
for listening to me whine. for listening me while i go on abt those tots in my head.
for being the light wen everyting turns dark. for being a joy in my life.
for caring me. for loving me. for being wif me.
for being you.

and for everything else simply.
the ones that has been done and those ones that have yet to come.
thank you