maybe its true wen its said that wat u dunno wuldnt hurt you.
i stumbled upon sumting i shudnt haf. my curiousity got the better of me so i looked for a reply. and i found it. i felt the same feelings i felt that horrible day. i felt the need to breathe properly. and i saw my defense wall came back up. i felt so used.


and no! of course i wuldnt blame you. i shud haf known better. now everything make sense. now reading in btw the lines is easier. and now i know.
of course it was hurtful. but it culdnt haf hurt more than i already haf been.

its funny tho how we still are. now i see the line. and i'lltry my bestest to stick by it.

i culd so fall asleep in fornt of the comp. din haf much sleep. managed a nap and was ready to farked yet another assie which i cant afford to but the boy woke me up. save the day as usual.

on the contrary, he was nice wen he woke me up. as per norm, he stays up wif me to be my muse. heh! he was busy wow-ing just so to lvl as me. haha. i am like 2 lvls higher and i dun tink hes please with that.

despite the extension i got for this assie, i still cant finished it up. the module is just blardy ridiculous. i dun even noe wat to expect for the exam wich is btw, a gd 3 wks away.

i am seeing sunrise in uni. been a long while since i seen one. figured the boy needed his sleep as he'll be werking later so he dropped me off in uni to finish up my work and not fall asleep. nwayz, the connection at home is sucky at the moment as davo is downloading sumting. who the fark knows wat? prolly porn. knowing him so well. rofl.

i am left wif like 3 hrs to do final touches to the stoopid assie. still got about half of the 1st problem to finish wich seriously, is impossible right now coz my brain cant take in anything anymore. plus my eyes are wide open but my other parts haf shut down. been popping no-doz like sweets. wif the coke and coffee. my bestfren during these tyms.

by the tym i hand this in, i'll be massively overdosed wif caffeine. rofl. that be funny.

i am tired

heh! did i mentioned that i am bored as well?? the first thing i do wen i get home is jump on the boy's bed and wake him up. *evil grin* nwayz i told him so. lol. trust me hes gonna be so grumpy. its ok. i can handle grumpy if he can handle my annoyance today.

ok i;ve decided. ima hand it in. enuff is enuff.

den its home sweet home.

haha. out of boredom, i am playing a game wif the boy. i send out my first to him. he prolly wun be bothered. haha! coz he noes better than to entertain me. but prolly out of sheer luck he will.

so my first to him is,

prolly the boy and me shud watch 'the break-up'. we saw the trailer last night and we looked at each other and laugh. it is so like us. lol.

on a brighter note, i had my 2nd date wif the boy. two wkends in a row. movie dates. we are both a sucker for movies. caught da vinci code despite the many bad reviews we read. we just had to see for ourselves. well, its worth the money, most definitely. i dun see why the critics were at it so much tho. i dun see sumthing missing. i am satisfied by it. i lurve the idea of having the flashbacks display ard wen telling history. and my oh my, audrey is impressive. tom didnt impress me that much tho. but he was ok. having watched that, i am wishing they wuld do angel&demon tho it wuld seem farfetched.


the boy and me had sensitive issues covered over the wkend after a short big-us-quarrel. i told him to let his guard down ard me coz its not as if i am gonna see him different. i told him sumtyms, its allright to admit that hes wrong and say sorry. and for a fact that its only wif me. and that it makes me see alot more of him for doing that. he did admit that its hard but he will try. and u noe wats sweet. he puts his hand on my cheek and mouthed sorry.
i smile. wat more culd i ask for. hes trying and for me, thats a start.

i had an emo moment just den. it makes me tink abt him. its been awhile. and yes! it still hurts.
i tot of the laughters we had wen we were together. those walks we had to nowhere. those talks we used to haf at the fountain or by the bay or over coffee.
those tyms wen i tot that at the end of it all, he'll be mine. those tym wen i tot i shud hold on a tad bit more. those tym wen the tears flow and the hurt, so unbearable.


is it still worth it den? i dunno. all i know is that i wun look back and regret not trying.
at least i tried. tho it was not all good. i know i tried.
and i know i will haf these emo-trips moments sumtyms. just like i will miss him sumtyms.

i need to learn to keep my emotions/feelings in check. its not gonna make things any better. i just need to learn to keep them in check. no matter wat. i've said alot of things out of anger these past couple of days. no matter how true they are, they are not neccesary. not for me and definitely not for you. having said that, i need to learn to speak for myself and make my own decision despite watever outcomes it may haf. it might seem rude at tyms. like it did just now. tho i nvr meant to say those things out loud, i had to make a point for you to see. but then again, u obviously dun care. you got so use to me that it doesnt seem to matter.


its not gonna put me down but it does wear me out sumtyms. its not easy to read in btw the lines. and as often as it happened, its always put away after. having a soft spot for you, i dun like having these bad aura ard us. prolly bcoz we r both librans. its always me who apologise no matter wat and you saying it doesnt matter. so instead of facing issues pending in front of us, we run away.
the irony is how is that even possible wen we are in each other's face 24/7. our world revolves ard each other. i mean mine obviously revolves ard urs. or so it seems at the moment. i dunno abt urs. and if it does, arent we contradicting ourselves?

bee came to adelaide again yesterday. yupz. 2 mths in a row. hopfully she has one every mth. that'll be nice. she smsed me like 8.30 in the morn telling me she has arrive. woke the boy up. we were grumpy since we had early morning wake ups and late bedtym for the last couple of days. got ready and went to pick her up. headed to city to haf brunch and a shopping quicky. the boy was so against me shopping tho. ouh well. i got myself a small clutch - yeah! small enuff to just hold the neccasities for clubbing. and a top. i culd go for another top but i rather not push my luck.


so, this wk and the coming ones gonna be pretty intense for me. so many things lined up and pending. but its kewl coz during the actual exam period, i only haf one exam to sit for. that wuldnt stress me up so much. the other is in the study wk. and the other is on the wk 13 wich is abt 3 wks from now. those 2 are the ones that worries me. coz admist all the studyings, der be a whole lots of assies and prac reports and mini porject to finish up.


i juz pray i wun crash like i haf before. and the boy been all sweet, trying to make life and things easier on me as well. the weather is getting freaking unbearable tho. its so cold. sumnights, i go over to the boy and get myself comfy and warm. his blankie is fabolous. just as the boy. lol. ok2. i admit, its for the cuddles as well. just so the boy wun push me off the bed as he almost did once.

things are definitely looking better now. except, i do get incredibly tired easily and very surprisingly, disorientated sum mornings. but otherwise, i am all good to go.
i just hope they will last long enuff for me not to crash during these crucial tyms.

so we did go out for movie - scary movie 4. i figured that its not worth blowing off my top. boys will be boys. i was upset coz the boy wuldnt let me get my cold rock ice cream and for a fact that he keeps tickling me. to a point that i hit my knee at the glove box and choking on the water i was drinking. blardy pissing me off.


got home. wow-ed. and started pissing the boy off. fell on the floor. continue. till the boy scratched me so bad. i ran into my rm. asking him to fark off. omfg! it was that bad till the skin actually came off. i was hitting him coz i was so mad!! and he just keeps tickling me. i teared coz it was stinging so much. the boy clean it up and put a bandaid over it. after, all is good. hes been nice. haha! prolly wuldnt last long tho. nwayz, i try not to get on his nerves. the boy is all stressed up wif tafe work. soon, it'll be mine. in less than 5 wks tym.


it was haling in the morn. so bad. i was blardy freezing my arse off.
it was kinda silly to be upset y'day afternoon. i mean watever happened was out of my control. i just hate the way i do feel everytym it happens. but i cant do anyting abt it coz its not my place. i am still learning how to. but after everything, it seems impossible not to be affected. how do i explain that it hurts to see or hear 'else'? and at the sametym, you refer to me as ur gerl.
like last night, wen u lean and put ur chin on my shoulder and i turn, auto, and kissed you. up till now, i still haf no god-damn idea why i did that.


the faint line is getting more and more blurry. i am still learning. trying not to be bothered. the more i am, the deeper i find myself wif you. how culd i not wen those smile are the highlight of my day. how culd i not be wen u look at me whole wen i am entirely shattered to pieces. and best of all, u were the one who haf been trying to fix me eversince. and you haf always known of the feelings i hold for you since that day. was i wrong to say that it shudnt be brought up again? i didnt mean it that way. i was just embarassed.

i am content wif wat we share right now. coz it means alot more.
but know this hun,i do love you!

u noe the day that i was so waiting for.. it nvr happened. i am so not njoying myself. prolly i might party. get it over and done with. on a brighter note, i will haf more fun than i am now.
omfg! this is so ridiculous. i culd haf just stayed at home and play wow. that will actually make me feel alot better.

i feel like blowing my top off. seriously!!

i am getting better. more tired than usual but abit better. emotionally still battered. and still in pieces but getting my drive back. and thats wat important right now. as much as 6 mths break sounds appealing, it just doesnt seem practical. i just haf 6 more mths to grad. and i am not gonna farked it up just coz i'm lost right now. so i got myself a new game. better still, i got the boys and meg to do it wif me.

so after my paranoia and whole day of cryings, i talked it out wif the boy. its nice. sure was a relieve. he told me to stop pushing him away coz hes not gonna go anywhere. and tells me to get use to it. made me smile. he always does.


i lost my drive. my life is in a mess. my studies is struggling
i'm all messed up and pathetic. nvr felt this bad b4. and i am at my worst. lost and in pieces. i been tinking abt getting a 6 mths break. tho it wuldnt be practical. but i really need it to sort me out. but i reckon no point tinking abt it since i am prolly not gonna get it.
right now, i really just need to find myself. stand up and get ready for another round. - not!
i just need to find myself and get thru this helluva phase, alive.
and at the same tym try to grad in tym.
thats the 2 tings that scares me most. not able to find myself and not graduating.


ps: i still regret the day i decided to come here. i would haf opted for sumting simpler if i had known it was gonna be this hard.
life just gets so unbearable that all i wanna do is run away. its easier to run than to face all these. i know that life is not meant to be simpler. but does it haf to be this hard?