despite wasting tym for a prac that didnt happen coz apparently the lecturer 'forget' to email us that he be away this wk. wtf!! nwayz, sumthing i read on the notice board caught my eye and caught me bad.


mumsy told me alot of tyms that i shudnt be farking ard too much. ok! prolly not in that context but u do noe wat i mean right!. and i told her that i am not. tho prolly i might haf been. so i told her that wat i am here for hasnt changed tho it seems everything might haf. so she told me that i MUST do her and daddie proud. by graduating. i mean seriously, and for real! that is so gonna happen. no doubt abt it. i am not stoopid as in to be here and not grad. as much as i am wasting money.. i am wasting my freaking tym. fyi - i am not getting any younger as well. so that will be a tad bit too much tym wasting.


back to the story. i told dem that i wuldnt be eligible for honours given, how much i farked my first 4 sems so bad. so i told dem that i will grad wif upper 2nd class. and that, right now, seems so far-fetched. now, i am just looking at wanting to grad. thats all.


i mean, i culd haf been der if i hadnt been so complacent. and i do drive myself hard and most of the tym, straight into a wall. and crash. and after, i just lost my drive. and everything else that keeps me together. like i am now. i've been so driven that wen i crashed a couple wks back, i've pretty much farked ard alot. farking a 10% assie, an exam and uni. as much as i noe thats bad, it doesnt change anything.


its like being in a constant battle wif myself. its ironic how much u noe wats happening and how u shud react but it still doesnt happen.
i am scared and afraid of not graduating. in tym.

ps: happy bdae andy sweetie!!!

it be such a lie to say that i am ok. i am not. and i wun be the same. ever again. the wound still hurts. and its not gonna heal anytym soon. same goes to the love. its not easy to love sum1 so much for 4 yrs and den had to gif it all up.


i hadnt had tym to tink abt it coz i was so busy studying for an exam. but it crept back soon as ders free space. and i didnt realise how painful it was. or it will be.
i naively tot it wuldnt end this way. i naively tot the ending would be alot sweeter. i mean i know all along that it wuld nvr be me he choose. but i had hoped. and hoping taught me my worst lesson of all. nobody will understand the hurt. the million little pieces my heart broke into.


i had the urge to sms the other day but i didnt get thru wif it. ders no point. as always, the decision is made. wheres the sense in wanting to say more? where wuld it get me nwayz? definitely not gonna get me wat i lost.


so the fairytale ending nvr happen. i been so foolish. and too naive.
he was the only hope i had. he was the only hope i hold on to. and the hope had died. no more hoping. hoping doesnt get me anywhere

i be ok. in due tym. nobody can help me. nobody can put back the pieces. this is sumthing i need to do on my own. i need to piece the broken together. by myself. not relying on others.
this is my mess. i got myself into and led me to it this far.
i owe myself that much to do all of the healing myself.

meet edriana, currently a human paladin lvl 13. not that most of you haf any idea wat it is. as for me, i am still learning. haha

i got hooked onto it since the boy left for perth 2 days ago. coz i can only play in his acct and hence, another reason to haf our domestic. it is so blardy addictive, i tell you.
very freaking addictive. it tells doesnt it since i got up to lvl 13 in just 2 days.
and did i mention that shes gorgeous wif the armour and the axe and the shield and those boots. most of it thanks to andy coz he took me shopping after i leveled to 10 the first night. and the pants were from davy. and 2 more other things from davy that i cant use as yet coz of the required lvl. wich means more leveling to do!! yeay!!


now i understand why the boys got hooked on them. i culd sit and just do it for 6 hrs straight. didnt even imagine tym flying that fast tho. watching the boy play every wkend didnt actually come to waste. tho, i wished i culd do the instances hes doing. in due tym. haha! hes coming back on monday wich pretty much means i cant wow unless hes at werk and no wow on wkends.
*cheeky smile* watch me!!


seriously, i gotta get my arse to the uni since i didnt yesterday coz i culdnt be farked.
on the brightside, this whole wkend is wow wkend. sweet!!

the perky us after a looong all nighter (check out the eyes bag and the dark ring).
the boy stayed up to accompany me study for my test. sweet aint it?

"how do i explain that smile? and how it turns my world ard, keeping my feet on the ground.."

with everything that had happened. no matter how bad it was, sumthing good did come out of it.
the boy.
my safe harbour. my pillar to lean on.
the one who keeps me sane. who has me all smiles no matter wat.


he is just so accomodating. he holds that much affection and adoration and love for me as i haf for him. and i realise that i wuldnt picked myself up this fast if it wasnt for him. and the best thing is that i nvr asked for him to do all that he had done for me. but he did. so willingly. despite having to put up wif my crankiness and all my overwhelming tots. and my endless whinjings.


the boy spoilts me to bits. i tell you. as do i for him. its terrifying how dependant i am on him. but i loved it. at least wen the world comes down on me, i know i can count on him, for sho!


"light will guide you home,

and ignite ur bones.

and i, i will try to fix you"
i was sitting outside and having smokes, watching them boys do the backyard wen this song came on. coincidently, the boy turn ard, looked at me and smiled. i smiled back. content. my heart at ease. his smiles always make days seems brighter.

and you know wats comforting.
everything. esp wen i am in his arms.

i haf had trouble sleeping at nights over wat happen. sumtyms, i sleep wif him. for the cuddles. i panicked alot wen i'm shaken from my sleep. but he wuld take me into his arms and tells me to go back to sleep. simple. but meaningful.
i am a sucker for cuddles.
and wat more can i say? i love the boy!!

"Aku tak percaya lagi dengan apa yang kau beri,
Aku terdampar disini tersudut menunggu mati

Aku tak percaya lagi akan guna matahari,
Yang dulu mampu terangi sudut gelap hati ini

Aku berhenti berharap dan menunggu datang gelap,
Sampai nanti suatu saat tak ada cinta kudapat

Kenapa ada derita bila bahagia tercipta,
Kenapa ada sang hitam bila putih menyenangkan

Aku pulang.... Tanpa dendam.... Ku terima kekalahanku...
Aku pulang... Tanpa dendam... Kusalut kan kemenanganmu...

Kau ajarkan aku bahagia, Kau ajarkan aku derita
Kau tunjukkan aku bahagia, Kau tunjukkan aku derita
Kau berikan aku bahagia, Kau berikan aku derita..

Rebahkan kalbumu
Lepaskan perlahan
Kau akan mengerti
Semua..

Aku berhenti berharap dan menunggu datang gelap,
Sampai nanti suatu saat tak ada cinta kudapat.."


ps:he was the reason that started 'berhenti berharap'. now, its for real. the unimagined has happened.

a new place in such short tym. prolly i shudnt haf left starkopi in the first place. i left it to start sumwhere new. i started maybetomorrow for a new start. but a new start wasnt meant to be. the same reason i left was the reason i had to leave again. i understand its contradictions. and i cant be asking for much. all i haf to say is that my life is my own. if its too hard to handle den let it go. dun make a misery out of it and best of all, ruin me.

my choices are my own. the way i live my life is as i see it fit. and it wun fit into urs, so dun try.


ps: in search of hope for a better 2mrw seems so fitting. i had almost learned to hope again but it was taken from me in a flash. it hurts. beyond imagination.
now, i am just looking. prolly, looking would not hurt as much.