In the name of all that's holy . . .

. . . like, say, the memory of Jackie Robinson, DON'T LET HIM DO IT!

The cheating cockroach bastard Barry B*nds has a chance to tie and break Hank Aaron's home run record at Dodger Stadium. The demon spawn are bringing their particularly vile stench to Chavez Ravine for a three-game series. And chances are, the cheater will pop a couple over the outfield fence.

DAMN IT.

The guys at Dodger Blues indulge in a little wishful thinking:

While Ned Colletti spends the next day or two trying to figure out how to fuck up the team's future, Dodger fans will be preparing for the arrival of an even more offensive creature: Barry Bonds. I've been going back and forth about the timing of this. On the one hand, the thought of seeing this asshole in orange possibly break baseball's most prized record on our soil is completely nauseating. On the other hand, what better way to ruin his moment than to have 55,000 Dodger fans telling the world what a cockface he is. And what better way than this for one lucky fan to say cockface: throw the ball back. I can't imagine that anyone would actually have the balls to do it, and frankly it would take incredible stupidity as well, but we're talking about the bleachers, so you never know. I do know this, though: I'd wet my goddamn pants and put that fan on a pedestal. Or at least send them a free shirt.

I wish, at the very least, the Dodgers would walk him every single at-bat.

Just give the cheater a big, fat, "not in my house, asshole."

I wish.

Woo-HOOOOO!

This makes me so HAPPY:
Depp plumbs vampire depths

LOS ANGELES, July 27 (UPI) -- Johnny Depp said he hopes to trade pirate's garb for medieval clothing of undead Barnabas Collins in Hollywood's take on the campy serial "Dark Shadows."

Depp's Infinitum-Nihil company is teaming with Warner Bros. and Graham King's GK Films to develop a feature based on the daytime supernatural soap opera, Variety reported Friday.

In interviews Depp said he wanted to portray Collins, the series' vampire patriarch originated by Jonathan Frid.

A rights deal just closed with the estate of Dan Curtis, the producer-director who created the ABC daytime drama that aired 1966-1971. Depp and King will produce with David Kennedy, who ran Dan Curtis Prods. until Curtis died last year of a brain tumor.

"Dark Shadows" achieved cult status as an atmospheric gothic tale of vampires, monsters, witches, werewolves, ghosts -- and humans -- that featured time travel and parallel universes during its run. The storyline has been the basis for two movies filmed in the 1970s.

How much fun will this be? Really. Now, I'm going to be casting the rest of the thing in my head.

Rest now, good boy

Dog that searched for 9/11, Katrina victims dies

With all the terrible things in the world, all the death, it's always something like this that reduces me to tears.

‘A world-class rescue dog’
[Mary] Flood adopted Jake as a 10-month-old puppy. He had been abandoned on a street with a broken leg and a dislocated hip.

“But against all odds he became a world-class rescue dog,” said Flood, a member of Utah Task Force 1, a federal search-and-rescue team that looked for human remains at ground zero.

On the evening of the team’s arrival in New York, Jake walked into a fancy Manhattan restaurant wearing his search-and-rescue vest and was treated to a free steak dinner under a table.

There's more, but this is my favorite part of the story. Some sub-human creep abandoned this poor thing and he was adopted, knit together, loved and gave all he could in return.

Of course, I have a real soft spot for rescues and especially retrievers. But to me, dogs are an example of what's right with the world. And this sweetheart, good ol' Jake, was a truly excellent boy. So when the world loses a Jake, I feel totally okay with getting a little misty and feeling a little loss.

On this day 38 years ago

My mom propped me up in front of the TV so I could watch the moon landing. I was all of three months old, still in the blob stage, so I obviously don't remember a bit of it. But I completely appreciate my mom's impulse. She wanted me to see it, wanted me, in all my drooling apathy, to witness something world-changing.

Thanks, Mom.

I'm so full of love and gratitude that I'll post my favorite thing commemorating the day:

Meme Chain

Lifted from Cullen.

Questions
1. Situation ::
2. Theme song ::
3. Kelly ::
4. Club ::
5. Swerve ::
6. Couch ::
7. Bigfoot ::
8. Arbitrary ::
9. Inventor ::
10. Blazer ::

Answers
1. Situation :: Dire
2. Theme song :: Try
3. Kelly :: Staffing Services
4. Club :: Head
5. Swerve :: or I'll hit you
6. Couch :: Balls (heh, that's just where Hugo hides all his tennis balls. Under the couch.)
7. Bigfoot :: Chupacabra
8. Arbitrary :: Punishment
9. Inventor :: Edison
10. Blazer :: Professor

Yeah. Doesn't make sense to me, either.

Poltergeist

So my friend Michael and I were talking about the movie Poltergeist. The upshot was that they say one thing in the movie an awful lot. In the spirit of the great Lebowski edit, Michael put this together:

A special PSA

I found this on Fark and realized that it was really relevant to us all. Especially Emily.

Cay Crow: Groping is never appropriate, even with costumed characters

Web Posted: 07/13/2007 06:01 PM CDT

San Antonio Express-News

Here is a surprising response to the frotteurism (nonconsensual groping) column that ran on March 17. A collection of readers' responses ran on May 26.

Dear Cay,

I would just like to share my own groping story with you. It's not quite like the others, but it is equally disturbing.

I am a costume character at a well-known theme park. Since it is a performance, I have to stay in character. That means when people ask me if I am a boy (and all of our characters are), I have to say yes (we are not allowed to speak).

Very rude people, always adults and older teenagers say, "I bet you aren't!" and proceed to try to grope and feel whether or not I have breasts. I have been told by some that it "comes with the territory" of my job, but when I informed my manager, he said that it was completely inappropriate and next time it happened, I have every right to inform security and have these people escorted off the premises.

Cay, this is not only men who do this! Women do it as well! And it upset me very much. I am sure that they would not like it if I were to go grabbing right back at them!

I have had people escorted out of the park for doing this with no refund. And I am not afraid of doing it again! I understand that there will always be idiots out there but there will be consequences!

— Obviously Anonymous

Dear OA:

I am so sorry that this happened to you but I am thrilled that your manager is having those animals removed from the park.

OK, San Antonio and surrounding areas, you have been warned! I just can't believe that people could be so insensitive and crude. In this country, we are violently opposed to people frotteurizing our children yet we tolerate nonconsensual frotteurism in adults? That just makes no sense. And who do you think is hanging out at the theme park with mom and dad? What does this behavior, even toward a cartoon character, teach children?

I suspect that some of these folks groping cartoon characters are either "plushies" people with strong attachments to stuffed animals or "furries," individuals who are drawn to furry cartoon characters. Not all plushies or furries gain sexual gratification from the practice. Many just enjoy anthropomorphizing (giving human traits to) animals. Within this community, there is a specific term, a "furvert" for the individuals who groped you indicating, presumably, their sexual attraction to a mascot. Plushies actually prefer the feel of stuffed animals to human skin and furries feel the same about mascots. Some of these individuals actually feel as if they are a particular animal trapped in a human body. Others fantasize about being either half human and half animal or about being a hybrid animal like a griffin (half eagle and half lion). Their favorite greeting is to groom or "skritch" each other. But even the furries skritch each other consensually!

Check out the article at www.pressedfur.coolfreepages.com/press/vanityfair.

"Furverts"? Wow. Love it.

Years ago, I was at Disneyland with Shannon C., the lovely proprietor of "I'm Seriously, Dammit!" (which I just now saw is defunct. Crap, Shanny! I'll call soon!). There, I was frotteured by Donald Duck. He/she/it also tried "kissing" me with its fuzzy bill and instead deep-throated my entire head.

So what is it when a normal person is nonconsensually groped by a mascot? I'll tell you.

Just plain fucking creepy.