I am going to sign myself up for ballroom dancing and kick-boxing. Sounds like fun isn't it?? Well, I have actually done kick-boxing some time ago and been to several classes. It's fast-paced, all moves and incorporates dance routines as well. It was all good fun! I wonder if I can learn how to dance to the tune of "Better in Time" by Leona Lewis. It is my absolute favourite song.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VrNoDUblAtE
One particular news on TV actually encouraged people to try pole-dancing! Surprise, surprise! Well, it's a really healthy activity because it incorporates every inch of your body for all the different moves possible with and on the pole. But still, I reckon dancing would be more suitable for me as I like something that can make me sweat like hell and can be done with a partner or with others in a group environment. I do not prefer solitary activities.
If I manage to master just any one kind of dance, then I've done almost everything that I yearn for. I am a very active person and any excess energies I need to expense. The only other thing is sky-diving although I have a sickening phobia of heights. Oh well, that makes it even more challenging, doesn't it??
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Monday, May 18, 2009
It's hard to say goodbye to anything/anyone in the past. Honestly, it pains your heart and sometimes you wish that things will be the same as before and nothing will ever change. Even the death of our dog just recently is a heartache to all of us, especially my youngest sister. It's hard to accept the agony of eternal farewell.
I have had 4 dogs now ever since we moved to our new home when I was 12 years old. The first one I remembered vividly was from my primary school best friend. Her dog at that time had quite a few new-borns and so she gave us one. Tyro was a cross-breed. I cannot remember what his bloodline was now but he was definitely not a large breed. Mum decided to give him away after 3 years to one of our friends who had a bigger yard than us. Because they adored Tyro so much, I relented in the end convinced that he would be in good hands.
A couple of years later, I bought Tiger together with my ex-bf as a christmas gift to my mum. By then my mother was feeling a tad bit lonely and she wanted a dog to keep her company. So we bought her a Bull Mastiff. He was the gentlest creature that we've ever seen and I loved him to bits. He was a massive breed and I could pretend he was a little pony and ride on him. He was incredible. We had him for 4 years even after I left for studies in Melbourne. But at the end of my final year of University, we decided that my bf's family needed him more than we do because Tiger was a good guard-dog and they have just moved into a large house. It was still all good until we ended our relationship and Tiger stayed at his place. I was still visiting Tiger during the first year after we broke off but then subsequently, I stopped because it became too inconvenient for both of us. I missed Tiger tremendously because he was the very first dog that I single-handedly brought up.
Now we only have Furgo, our golden retriever after Heuger died from a car accident a week ago. It was depressing to lose something that you have always taken for granted to be around. Having pets is the most rewarding and wonderful experience one can have but the death of them can be something that tears you apart as well. As with life itself, sometimes, we take things for granted. When we come to appreciate them, they are gone and lost and we can never find them back. But when I feel the separation is too hard to bear, I will remember and remind myself that the good memories did exist and still exist in the deepest parts of my being and even though circumstances are different now, those memories are not forgotten and they will always be the sweetest parts of my life.
I have had 4 dogs now ever since we moved to our new home when I was 12 years old. The first one I remembered vividly was from my primary school best friend. Her dog at that time had quite a few new-borns and so she gave us one. Tyro was a cross-breed. I cannot remember what his bloodline was now but he was definitely not a large breed. Mum decided to give him away after 3 years to one of our friends who had a bigger yard than us. Because they adored Tyro so much, I relented in the end convinced that he would be in good hands.
A couple of years later, I bought Tiger together with my ex-bf as a christmas gift to my mum. By then my mother was feeling a tad bit lonely and she wanted a dog to keep her company. So we bought her a Bull Mastiff. He was the gentlest creature that we've ever seen and I loved him to bits. He was a massive breed and I could pretend he was a little pony and ride on him. He was incredible. We had him for 4 years even after I left for studies in Melbourne. But at the end of my final year of University, we decided that my bf's family needed him more than we do because Tiger was a good guard-dog and they have just moved into a large house. It was still all good until we ended our relationship and Tiger stayed at his place. I was still visiting Tiger during the first year after we broke off but then subsequently, I stopped because it became too inconvenient for both of us. I missed Tiger tremendously because he was the very first dog that I single-handedly brought up.
Now we only have Furgo, our golden retriever after Heuger died from a car accident a week ago. It was depressing to lose something that you have always taken for granted to be around. Having pets is the most rewarding and wonderful experience one can have but the death of them can be something that tears you apart as well. As with life itself, sometimes, we take things for granted. When we come to appreciate them, they are gone and lost and we can never find them back. But when I feel the separation is too hard to bear, I will remember and remind myself that the good memories did exist and still exist in the deepest parts of my being and even though circumstances are different now, those memories are not forgotten and they will always be the sweetest parts of my life.
Partnership in Marriage
I have had so many different kinds of friends in my short 27 years of life and now going on 28. I hear many stories and some of them tell me they are unhappy about who they are because they think they are unworthy of better things. And some of them kept insisting that I am so lucky to have found my perfect match and that because I am born lucky, they can never be the same as I am. In my defense, I want to say that is all such delusional talk and that is why, I want to quote Pastor Joel Osteen, "Don't talk about the way you are, talk about the way you want to be".
In retrospect, Meng and I are completely different beings. He is reserve, level-headed, domesticated and peace-loving. I on the other hand, am vivacious, loud, active and sometimes hot-headed. So how can two very different beings get together? Friendship and tolerance. I always believe that the deepest aspect in a marriage/relationship is friendship and partnership. It never fades and you can feel reliant, safe and strong when you know you have your best friend braving the storms with you, edging you on when you feel like giving up. That far surpasses love. People don't understand how we work. Meng is quiet. So what? I love to invite friends for dinner and meeting new people. He respects that and I introduced him to a wider circle of friends. He is patient and so he gives in to my sometimes whims and fancies. I love the outdoors so I get him to go running with me in the mornings and even organize a Tai Chi class for us to join so we can stay fit and healthy. In short, we try to do everything together and find a common way of life. Although we may not be the most compatible couple around, we try to work our way around to fit each other's lifestyles as best as we can. That is partnership.
In the past, I did not know why my relationships failed. Often times, I give in too much and I tend to lose myself admist it all. Then the love waned and then I try to find myself again. You can fall in love many times but if you are not capable of establishing a strong friendship in your relationship, it will continue to fail. The crux of having a happy life and marriage is to change yourself, not for anything else but to appreciate what the other has to offer. Do things together as partners and enjoy each other's company. There is a lot of people that you can find yourself interested in but there are few you can share genuine connection and profound friendship with. That, is an invaluable thing. Sometimes your partner may not be what you see yourself to become. You don't have to change yourself entirely to suit the other person. In fact, be yourself but respect the change that you need to make to ensure the relationship stays healthy and strong. No sacrifice is big enough to let go of your true companion.
Nothing is too late if you want to stop living in the dyfunctional life you are in now. Every relationship can succeed. Everything broken can be mended if you put your heart into it.
In retrospect, Meng and I are completely different beings. He is reserve, level-headed, domesticated and peace-loving. I on the other hand, am vivacious, loud, active and sometimes hot-headed. So how can two very different beings get together? Friendship and tolerance. I always believe that the deepest aspect in a marriage/relationship is friendship and partnership. It never fades and you can feel reliant, safe and strong when you know you have your best friend braving the storms with you, edging you on when you feel like giving up. That far surpasses love. People don't understand how we work. Meng is quiet. So what? I love to invite friends for dinner and meeting new people. He respects that and I introduced him to a wider circle of friends. He is patient and so he gives in to my sometimes whims and fancies. I love the outdoors so I get him to go running with me in the mornings and even organize a Tai Chi class for us to join so we can stay fit and healthy. In short, we try to do everything together and find a common way of life. Although we may not be the most compatible couple around, we try to work our way around to fit each other's lifestyles as best as we can. That is partnership.
In the past, I did not know why my relationships failed. Often times, I give in too much and I tend to lose myself admist it all. Then the love waned and then I try to find myself again. You can fall in love many times but if you are not capable of establishing a strong friendship in your relationship, it will continue to fail. The crux of having a happy life and marriage is to change yourself, not for anything else but to appreciate what the other has to offer. Do things together as partners and enjoy each other's company. There is a lot of people that you can find yourself interested in but there are few you can share genuine connection and profound friendship with. That, is an invaluable thing. Sometimes your partner may not be what you see yourself to become. You don't have to change yourself entirely to suit the other person. In fact, be yourself but respect the change that you need to make to ensure the relationship stays healthy and strong. No sacrifice is big enough to let go of your true companion.
Nothing is too late if you want to stop living in the dyfunctional life you are in now. Every relationship can succeed. Everything broken can be mended if you put your heart into it.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Love
Love is:
His callous hands that grip me strong;
His hearty laugh that makes me smile;
His doleful eyes with earnest and truth;
His quiet disposition, thoughtful and wise;
His faithfulness, locks sturdy and secure;
His pleasing manners, makes me wonder;
How anyone could love me madder;
His gentleness and genuine kindness;
Makes every pain a minuscule passer;
His devotion and loyalty like mine paralleled;
It's all that words are not sufficient to jabber...
His callous hands that grip me strong;
His hearty laugh that makes me smile;
His doleful eyes with earnest and truth;
His quiet disposition, thoughtful and wise;
His faithfulness, locks sturdy and secure;
His pleasing manners, makes me wonder;
How anyone could love me madder;
His gentleness and genuine kindness;
Makes every pain a minuscule passer;
His devotion and loyalty like mine paralleled;
It's all that words are not sufficient to jabber...
Yum Cha
Who said Yum Cha is only ideal for elderly people? Here in Melbourne, amongst the younger community, we go for Yum Cha whether it's for a friend's birthday, a get together or just after a tremendous calories burning session (i.e. cold morning jogs). Anyway, I remember Yum Cha back home in Malaysia were always with my family. My mum will drag me up at 7am in the morning to get ready (because I'm basically really slow) and take me out for morning tea. In Melbourne, Yum Cha starts at 11am the earliest and the second session at 1pm. It's pretty much brunch if you really look at it and it's the best thing that someone who is not an early bird can enjoy. I 
especially love it during my uni days because during the stressful times of staying up till the wee hours in the mornings to study, I can still get hot steaming buns and some of my favourite Yum Cha dishes even if I woke up late.
And so we enjoyed ourselves thoroughly like the ageing people that we are (haha) at Westlake restaurant for Yum Cha to celebrate Ada's birthday. The food was good, the company was great and most importantly, we get to sleep in before our brunch at 11.30am. What more can you ask for?? And so, Yum Cha is becoming more like a "must do" activity whenever someone comes to visit us. I will definitely schedule one of their afternoons for this. Believe me, this is the closest you can get to actually being physically in Hong Kong to get true blue Cantonese style Yum Cha. Even I have managed to pick up some very handy cantonese phrases and words to use now :) " Yat long har gau, mh goi" (in broken pingying meaning, one serve of prawn dumplings pls, thank you!)
especially love it during my uni days because during the stressful times of staying up till the wee hours in the mornings to study, I can still get hot steaming buns and some of my favourite Yum Cha dishes even if I woke up late.
The dishes served here and back home are not entirely different but there are certainly more selections in terms of choices here. Most of them are a hybrid of western and eastern crusines like my favourite melted cheese with ham bits on scallops/oysters. Totally yummy! And they serve egg tarts and other sweets as well and I especially enjoy the mango pudding with evaporated milk. This is something that you can't simply find in anyone of the asian restaurants back home. In Melbourne, almost 80% of the restaurants here provide desserts as part of their menus whereas back home, only cafes and western restaurants have that (unless of course I'm so out of touch now with the eating culture in Malaysia that I am totally clueless and mistaken).
And so we enjoyed ourselves thoroughly like the ageing people that we are (haha) at Westlake restaurant for Yum Cha to celebrate Ada's birthday. The food was good, the company was great and most importantly, we get to sleep in before our brunch at 11.30am. What more can you ask for?? And so, Yum Cha is becoming more like a "must do" activity whenever someone comes to visit us. I will definitely schedule one of their afternoons for this. Believe me, this is the closest you can get to actually being physically in Hong Kong to get true blue Cantonese style Yum Cha. Even I have managed to pick up some very handy cantonese phrases and words to use now :) " Yat long har gau, mh goi" (in broken pingying meaning, one serve of prawn dumplings pls, thank you!)Sunday, May 10, 2009
Another blurb of Kwon Sang Woo
I absolutely looove Kwon Sang Woo. I might have mentioned it like a trillion times now but I never get bored even if it's a zillion (if there is) times! Don't tell me I'm being one of those childish teenage girls who would scream their lungs out or break their necks just to have a glimpse of their heart-throbes. To be perfectly honest, yes, I would do the very same...I am so smitten with his smile. It is just such a teaser. I love guys with a nice smile and who at the same time eludes a kind of morose and mystery and you can never tell what he is thinking of. But when he smiles, the whole world lights up as well...I am such a great fan of his that when I used to be single 3 years ago, one of my friends actually pulled a joke on me by saying he would introduce someone to me who looked very much like Kwon Sang Woo. In the end, I was in such high anticipation but it turned out to be just a prank. Bummer!
To top it off, I also missed him when he was in Singapore in the same year. I am not a Bimbo, believe me...I am not just his fan for superficial reasons. His acting is also devastatingly good. He always makes me cry and I can literally feel his love everytime I watch him act. His eyes are amazing. I know there are other
actors that many would think better than him but the way he uses his eyes to convey his feelings and that amazing smile of his just makes my heart melts... :)
Anyway, now that he is happily married and just had a baby boy doesn't make me admire or like him any less. In fact, he's still my object of infatuation.
Monday, May 4, 2009
Lunchtime today I made a really interesting discovery. I was just bored reading the news about yet more swine flu attacks and so started a random search for the most famous blogger in Singapore and I got hits for the web-blog of someone called Xiaxue. By now, some Singaporeans or even Malaysians would be going "oh...". She is really quite famous in Singapore and to be honest, when I saw her photos, she did not really took my fancy but when I saw her clips on U-Tube, I actually find her really funny and amusing. In fact, I kind of like the way she expressed herself and her honesty in everything. In short, she is so Singaporean that it is precisely why I am somewhat hooked to watching her video clips on U-Tube and find it utterly outrageous yet interesting.
One of my favourite clip is of her going for a tongue pierce. I can never imagine myself doing it and actually getting to watch the entire procedure makes it somewhat intriguing. I had done a naval pierce and it is almost similar but then you get to lie down and the pain was nothing. Although I have to say, the swell and the pain a while later does get to you. If you are keen, or just like to see what it's like or who she is, you can Google her name and you'll find her blog. She has got tons of pictures on so if you are a graphic person, then bravo, you'll fall in love with the many many photos she has posted online. Below is the link of a sample video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JV3poYnsuOY&feature=related
One of the other things that I came across was her having her hair bleached blonde. I have met so many Asian gals here doing the same but I do not have the guts to do it. The integral reason of all is that it would badly damage my already parched hair. Speaking of hair, I was actually thinking of dyeing it back to black as oppose to the light ash brown I have now. But I've got strong protests from many friends especially those at work who said that my hair colour makes me look more "exotic" and they cannot imagine me in black which is said to be dull and lifeless...I can't even remember how I looked like before and the one and only photo that still bears evidence of me in my natural hair colour is this on the right which looks a bit corny...
And now I am in the same room with my house-mate Ada who just got striking red streaks done today. They look absolutely FABULOUS!-at least, to me. Well, I might decide to get mine done in the weekend now. I will really reconsider changing my hair colour because majority wins and no one likes me black. But, I am definitely getting it trimmed. My hair is now so long the back of it is near my hip...almost. If anyone is happy to go blonde or contemplating it, you can watch the below~it's hilarious! Enjoy!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ve1qwnFdIbg
One of my favourite clip is of her going for a tongue pierce. I can never imagine myself doing it and actually getting to watch the entire procedure makes it somewhat intriguing. I had done a naval pierce and it is almost similar but then you get to lie down and the pain was nothing. Although I have to say, the swell and the pain a while later does get to you. If you are keen, or just like to see what it's like or who she is, you can Google her name and you'll find her blog. She has got tons of pictures on so if you are a graphic person, then bravo, you'll fall in love with the many many photos she has posted online. Below is the link of a sample video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JV3poYnsuOY&feature=related
One of the other things that I came across was her having her hair bleached blonde. I have met so many Asian gals here doing the same but I do not have the guts to do it. The integral reason of all is that it would badly damage my already parched hair. Speaking of hair, I was actually thinking of dyeing it back to black as oppose to the light ash brown I have now. But I've got strong protests from many friends especially those at work who said that my hair colour makes me look more "exotic" and they cannot imagine me in black which is said to be dull and lifeless...I can't even remember how I looked like before and the one and only photo that still bears evidence of me in my natural hair colour is this on the right which looks a bit corny...
And now I am in the same room with my house-mate Ada who just got striking red streaks done today. They look absolutely FABULOUS!-at least, to me. Well, I might decide to get mine done in the weekend now. I will really reconsider changing my hair colour because majority wins and no one likes me black. But, I am definitely getting it trimmed. My hair is now so long the back of it is near my hip...almost. If anyone is happy to go blonde or contemplating it, you can watch the below~it's hilarious! Enjoy!http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ve1qwnFdIbg
I woke up with ache today. My feet are sore and the muscles on my thighs are just killing me. And it's all because of weeds, tulips and strawberries...No I am not kidding. Gardening is like the worst nightmare but when you get down and dirty onto it, it's like an addiction that you can't stop. You just feel the adrenaline getting the wiggly weeds out and your excitement when you plant the luxurious seedlings and baby shoots in. The greens just make you happy. Everything is pretty much dead after the excruciating temperatures not long ago that prolonged the bush fires in Summer. Now I am determined to make it alive again.
I have never in my life lifted a hoe, garden rake and spade but yesterday I was vigoriously working, ploughing the soils clean of weeds and hydrating the dry lands so I could plant in lovely tulips and juicy strawberries. Anything for food. haha...Landscaping is probably one of the more interesting activities you can engage in during the weekends. It's like free gym, because you get to flex your arms and you get to stretch your body muscles. It was good fun when it lasted but the aftermaths of it is hell. Now I'm walking on 2 wobbly jelly legs and it's not at all funny.
Saturday we visited a friend who is having a baby girl soon. I was amazed at how agile she was even when she is in her 6th month of pregnancy. I admire her strength and her energy when she took me around her house, upstairs and downstairs and explained each room in detail. When I came to Melbourne, I have left all my close friends behind and the ones who knew me back home can read me like a book. I am amazed to find that I can actually find a few of my mates here whom I can really relate to and trust in. Sure, I have plentiful friends here and they are excellent company but those whom I can really divulge my life to, are scarce. I am like an open book. I am painfully honest, sometimes to no good end because you need to keep a few secrets to yourself. But I have none. I am like an open bag where you can peek in and view its entire contents. That is one of my downfalls as well. Even Meng feels I need to stop pouring my heart out to everyone. I trust easily as well and that is like a death sentence. I need to make a mental note somehow to keep to myself more. I am digressing...this has of course, absolutely nothing to do with gardening...
So there, that's basically sums up my weekend. I am looking forward to more inspiring events ahead in the coming week and I can't wait for my first strawberry harvest :)
I have never in my life lifted a hoe, garden rake and spade but yesterday I was vigoriously working, ploughing the soils clean of weeds and hydrating the dry lands so I could plant in lovely tulips and juicy strawberries. Anything for food. haha...Landscaping is probably one of the more interesting activities you can engage in during the weekends. It's like free gym, because you get to flex your arms and you get to stretch your body muscles. It was good fun when it lasted but the aftermaths of it is hell. Now I'm walking on 2 wobbly jelly legs and it's not at all funny.
Saturday we visited a friend who is having a baby girl soon. I was amazed at how agile she was even when she is in her 6th month of pregnancy. I admire her strength and her energy when she took me around her house, upstairs and downstairs and explained each room in detail. When I came to Melbourne, I have left all my close friends behind and the ones who knew me back home can read me like a book. I am amazed to find that I can actually find a few of my mates here whom I can really relate to and trust in. Sure, I have plentiful friends here and they are excellent company but those whom I can really divulge my life to, are scarce. I am like an open book. I am painfully honest, sometimes to no good end because you need to keep a few secrets to yourself. But I have none. I am like an open bag where you can peek in and view its entire contents. That is one of my downfalls as well. Even Meng feels I need to stop pouring my heart out to everyone. I trust easily as well and that is like a death sentence. I need to make a mental note somehow to keep to myself more. I am digressing...this has of course, absolutely nothing to do with gardening...
So there, that's basically sums up my weekend. I am looking forward to more inspiring events ahead in the coming week and I can't wait for my first strawberry harvest :)
Monday, April 27, 2009
Soul Booster
I had an appointment with Dr Merret on Monday who specializes in gastro related problems. It is in Frankston and boy was it freezing that evening. The 30 mins train ride was not surprisingly quiet as besides the drizzle, the temperature was almost unbearable, down below 10 degrees celcius. But I had no choice, so I tried to wrap myself up in winter wear and get myself down to the hospital. What frustrated me the most was the arduous wait for taxis at the stand. There were like 3 passengers ahead of me but the number of taxis were scarce and it was a friggin cold and unbearable wait. I had to stand up and prance around to keep my body warm and even tried snuggling close to an old lady beside me hoping to get some warmth from her lit cigarette. These are the times when I missed home the most..the consistent sunshine...
Anyhow, after a reassurance from Dr Merret that there is nothing maglinant in my tummy, I had to still undergo a HIDA scan to check my gall bladder and an MRI to see more clearly the intrinsics of my upper abdomen..More tests but at least we are going somewhere with the investigations...
The highlight of this tiring, chilly and drowsy day was when I chanced upon a very inspirational and touching video clip about a marvelous father who has taken his disabled son through many marathons and competitions just to make him feel normal like everyone else. It was so moving that I could not stop crying. I am already quite a cry-baby so you can imagine how much more tears I have shed after viewing this clip. It was just....tremendous! This is the link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=flRvsO8m_KI
Watch and you'll be touched.
Listen and you'll know.
Feel and you'll be educated.
Believe and you'll soar.
Laugh and you'll understand.
Live and you'll finally breathe life...
Anyhow, after a reassurance from Dr Merret that there is nothing maglinant in my tummy, I had to still undergo a HIDA scan to check my gall bladder and an MRI to see more clearly the intrinsics of my upper abdomen..More tests but at least we are going somewhere with the investigations...
The highlight of this tiring, chilly and drowsy day was when I chanced upon a very inspirational and touching video clip about a marvelous father who has taken his disabled son through many marathons and competitions just to make him feel normal like everyone else. It was so moving that I could not stop crying. I am already quite a cry-baby so you can imagine how much more tears I have shed after viewing this clip. It was just....tremendous! This is the link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=flRvsO8m_KI
Watch and you'll be touched.
Listen and you'll know.
Feel and you'll be educated.
Believe and you'll soar.
Laugh and you'll understand.
Live and you'll finally breathe life...
Saturday, April 25, 2009
It's Autumn again this time of the year and I am not too much into the cold rains and ballistic winds. Today's ANZAC day, a day to commemorate and honour the Australian and New Zealand Army Corps soldiers whom in 1915 formed part of the allied expedition that set out to capture the Gallipoli peninsula to open the way to the Black Sea for the allied navies. And I totally forgot that it's a public holiday today. And so we set off to Belgrave to visit one of the extraordinary magic shops opened by one of the most popular "white witches" or clairvoyant in Australia to have my fortune read, just for kicks. An hour and a bit more of drive later, we found out that to our disappointment, it was closed for the holiday. Or well, rather than sulking in the drizzle, we decided to explore the little town. Most shops were closed but we found a rather special cafe nearby and decided to take some pictures to remember.
Don't be fooled by my summer wear for the weather is much colder than it looks in the photo. I have my coat handy and am thankful I'm wearing boots as well. Even if the winds were chilly, I can't help but admit that Autumn is indeed the most beautiful season in the entire year. It reminds me of a sorrowful yet timeless love story with the love-birds on the verge of separating on a busy street, with a magnificent back-drop, with trees of spendid orange-red, a fiery display of affection just like the one below:
Afterwards we decided to head to Glen Waverly for some cakes and drinks and then karaoke. It has been ages since I last sang. I think my voice is getting a bit rusty from the lack of practice. It was still good fun nonetheless. The only thing is that I could not find one of the newer songs th
at I had wanted to try my voice on. Oh well, I might just have to practice in the showers... :)
at I had wanted to try my voice on. Oh well, I might just have to practice in the showers... :)I am looking forward to summer though as it is getting too cold for runs in the morning. This morning after cereal, as usual we went for a run along Mentone beach. It was freezing and you can literally hear the whoosh whoosh of the waves as they stirred with the winds. I guess there is something I should thank the chills for, though. Precisely because it was so cold, I managed to clock a 4.4km distance in 20mins. It's a good stress reliever, running and just enjoying the beach view. It always calms me down. I love the vastness of the sea and you can just dispense all of your worries and toss your troubles away because the white shores and the blue trims of the waters just makes everything else unimportant and insignificant.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
I had lunch today with 2 of my female colleagues, both single. We were talking over our meals about whether each of us yearns for home. All of us are emigre here and we came from different parts of Asia. Nancy who is from Mongolia decided she will most likely move permanently back in 2-3 years time before she turns 30 so she could find a guy there and get married. And so we embarked on the topic of fate. It is laughable how sometimes fate can extend its foothold and stage manage our lives. You can never secure anything or anyone and you can never presage the future as well. As frustrating as it seems, sometimes things happen for a reason.
I have read someplace before that if you believe in karma then that would explain why you met some people in the present life and you might feel a strong sense of longing for them but they can never be yours. Such is agonizing but then a fact of life. Sometimes we do things with no sense and when the actions are done, we regret them. A close friend asked me one if I have ever regretted anything that i have done in the past and the answer is a resounding YES! There were times in the past when I just felt that I could have been more matured in handling those situations. Maybe the outcome might turn out different. But then I thought about it more precintly. If I have been given a chance to turn back time, I would have still done the very same things that I first did because I would have no recollection of any regrets, any heartaches, any tears, any frustrations, any anger...virtually nothing....and so I realized that it is fate that I cannot change the past because it is the lessons that will teach me to make sense of all the mistakes that I've done and it is through all the heartaches that I value what I have lost.
But things were so much simpler when we were younger. I miss being 17 again. Miss skipping classes and afraid of being penalized, miss the excitement of everything that is my first, miss just being young and carefree, without being encumbered by the chains and bolts of mountainous responsibilities today. But I know I cannot turn things back and today although there are so many things that I still miss, I have gotten distinguished memories that I wouldn't exchange it for the world. And I believe that they are sweeter if left unfounded, etched in the deepest part of my heart and to be reminisce during the quiet moments of my life...
I have read someplace before that if you believe in karma then that would explain why you met some people in the present life and you might feel a strong sense of longing for them but they can never be yours. Such is agonizing but then a fact of life. Sometimes we do things with no sense and when the actions are done, we regret them. A close friend asked me one if I have ever regretted anything that i have done in the past and the answer is a resounding YES! There were times in the past when I just felt that I could have been more matured in handling those situations. Maybe the outcome might turn out different. But then I thought about it more precintly. If I have been given a chance to turn back time, I would have still done the very same things that I first did because I would have no recollection of any regrets, any heartaches, any tears, any frustrations, any anger...virtually nothing....and so I realized that it is fate that I cannot change the past because it is the lessons that will teach me to make sense of all the mistakes that I've done and it is through all the heartaches that I value what I have lost.
But things were so much simpler when we were younger. I miss being 17 again. Miss skipping classes and afraid of being penalized, miss the excitement of everything that is my first, miss just being young and carefree, without being encumbered by the chains and bolts of mountainous responsibilities today. But I know I cannot turn things back and today although there are so many things that I still miss, I have gotten distinguished memories that I wouldn't exchange it for the world. And I believe that they are sweeter if left unfounded, etched in the deepest part of my heart and to be reminisce during the quiet moments of my life...
LIVING
Life is so unpredictable. I have been experiencing severe tummy aches for 3 years ever since I came to Melbourne. I have done every test possible but to no avail. Everything seems normal until I did my blood test a week ago and got the test results today. One of the component in my blood content known as Amylase is 2 times higher than the normal range. I have pancreatitis. Now I have to see a gastro specialist to reaffirm what should/should not be done and how severe this is going to be. Well, what irony...All the scopes in the world cannot be compared to one full blood test...
And then it struck me. I guess if anything bad happens to me, at least I want to have the audacity to say that I have tried to be a good person. So, out of impulse, I got Meng together to one of the restaurants in Springvale and bought 2 live coral trouts. They were barely alive when we saw them in the tank. The restaurant manager insisted that they would not live past 15 mins out of the tank because they require a temperature of 13 degree celcius to live. We decided that the sea was closer to where we are living than the river. So, we took our chances and bought them. I never expected myself to sprint down Springvale road and Nepean Hwy like I did tonight while Meng held on to his dear life the big black bag with the fish and some ice water. I drove like a fanatic until we reached the pier tonight. Meng released them in the shallow waters for fear they are dead. We cannot bring them out to sea and the only hope we have is to wish they would swim away themselves to deeper parts of the ocean. By the time I parked the car and ran down the pier to meet Meng, they were gone. I was estatic that tonight I have tried doing something meaningful...It's a small gesture but it's a start...
I also thought to myself that I have in this life of mine, gone through what others my age may not have experienced. I have at least truely felt sorry for someone, fallen in love hard, cried my heart out and felt true happiness. That is what life should be. It should be filled with colours and rigged with splendours. Having support when you need it, being around loved ones, and knowing that whatever happens to you, you will be always loved. I am lucky because I have all that and I know that happiness is what you want to see it to be. It is often something/someone that you will tend to take for granted and fail to acknowledge when you have it. That is why happiness seemed so short-lived and fleeting like the scattered clouds in the sky. Happiness will be there if you want it and it's all in the simple things you do and the people that you care about in your life right now. True feelings stay in your heart for the rest of your life and the ability to acknowledge and embrace them is true happiness....
And then it struck me. I guess if anything bad happens to me, at least I want to have the audacity to say that I have tried to be a good person. So, out of impulse, I got Meng together to one of the restaurants in Springvale and bought 2 live coral trouts. They were barely alive when we saw them in the tank. The restaurant manager insisted that they would not live past 15 mins out of the tank because they require a temperature of 13 degree celcius to live. We decided that the sea was closer to where we are living than the river. So, we took our chances and bought them. I never expected myself to sprint down Springvale road and Nepean Hwy like I did tonight while Meng held on to his dear life the big black bag with the fish and some ice water. I drove like a fanatic until we reached the pier tonight. Meng released them in the shallow waters for fear they are dead. We cannot bring them out to sea and the only hope we have is to wish they would swim away themselves to deeper parts of the ocean. By the time I parked the car and ran down the pier to meet Meng, they were gone. I was estatic that tonight I have tried doing something meaningful...It's a small gesture but it's a start...
I also thought to myself that I have in this life of mine, gone through what others my age may not have experienced. I have at least truely felt sorry for someone, fallen in love hard, cried my heart out and felt true happiness. That is what life should be. It should be filled with colours and rigged with splendours. Having support when you need it, being around loved ones, and knowing that whatever happens to you, you will be always loved. I am lucky because I have all that and I know that happiness is what you want to see it to be. It is often something/someone that you will tend to take for granted and fail to acknowledge when you have it. That is why happiness seemed so short-lived and fleeting like the scattered clouds in the sky. Happiness will be there if you want it and it's all in the simple things you do and the people that you care about in your life right now. True feelings stay in your heart for the rest of your life and the ability to acknowledge and embrace them is true happiness....
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Unimportant thoughts
These days I am stressed out. My mind seems to be so full of thoughts that are absurd yet so real and binding. Sometimes unhappiness just gripped me and wouldn't let go. My rational mind tells me "No" and "Don't be a fool" but it always ends up running in different directions. I frighten myself oftentimes with my vivid and unfounded imaginations. I am a logical and rational person but yet when I am down, when I am the least happy, I cannot control how it all pans all. My thoughts becomes disarray and there it gallops, faster and faster, as I lose all senses and then something has to drag me back to reality.
I am not an entirely honest person. I have got my own secrets and these secrets make my mind go wrought. I don't wish to be labelled as a weak individual. I have lived with secrets for so long now and the only person who knows them is Dr Hara. I cannot help myself. I am mentally very weak. Sometimes I think if I was ever truely happy. When I think I've won a war, I'm actually losing other battles at the same time. Thus, I always say I win little but lost much.
I envy my husband. He is stronger than I am and so much more honest with his feelings. He might seem shy but he is braver than he thinks he is. He is someone I aspire to be and I am trying. I once told a friend that I am blessed so to speak because what I have today is something that I can be proud of. But beneath the pride and glory, do I actually FEEL like a victor?? Not really. I am a slightly confused person sometimes. I know what I want, I cannot get it, I try to make do with I have but I am not satisfied. A vicious cycle?? A common err of humans??
Sometimes I feel I have much responsibilities heaped upon me. I try to juggle so much but I am small. Yet somehow, the smallest of persons have to carry the biggest burdens and alas I fall in this category...but life has to go on toiling and it's just what it is...
I am not an entirely honest person. I have got my own secrets and these secrets make my mind go wrought. I don't wish to be labelled as a weak individual. I have lived with secrets for so long now and the only person who knows them is Dr Hara. I cannot help myself. I am mentally very weak. Sometimes I think if I was ever truely happy. When I think I've won a war, I'm actually losing other battles at the same time. Thus, I always say I win little but lost much.
I envy my husband. He is stronger than I am and so much more honest with his feelings. He might seem shy but he is braver than he thinks he is. He is someone I aspire to be and I am trying. I once told a friend that I am blessed so to speak because what I have today is something that I can be proud of. But beneath the pride and glory, do I actually FEEL like a victor?? Not really. I am a slightly confused person sometimes. I know what I want, I cannot get it, I try to make do with I have but I am not satisfied. A vicious cycle?? A common err of humans??
Sometimes I feel I have much responsibilities heaped upon me. I try to juggle so much but I am small. Yet somehow, the smallest of persons have to carry the biggest burdens and alas I fall in this category...but life has to go on toiling and it's just what it is...
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Roots run deep
As much as I believe in Chinese customs and superstitions, I can't help but feel really bad about myself sometimes. It is now after the Chinese "Ching Ming Festival" when we were supposed to pay our respects to Meng's grandmother who is buried in Springvale. I had been there once. It was a respectable burial site, the kind of cemetary where there is constant upkeep and the surroundings not at all errie but instead eludes peacefulness and serenity. This year however, because I'm turning 29 years old according to the Chinese calendar, I am not in the most suitable age to visit sick and dying people at homes and in hospitals, and to avoid going to less auspicious places like the cemetary. This is not something that I made up myself. It was indicated to me In Feb when I visited the temple where I always frequent in Malaysia.
Both of my own paternal grandparents have long passed away. I have no memories of my grandmother because she left soon before I was born. My grandfather even after he was gone, I still feel it is surreal. He was such a strong man. He was quite tall for an Asian man and muscular and always stood and sit with an excellent posture. Whenever we went to visit him in Penang, he would climb up to his roof to pick guavas and buah cikus for us from the branches that overhung the top of his house. He always seemed to be in the pick of health. He was not ailing but the very opposite. Unfortunately, he contracted lung cancer when he was 80 from the constant smoking during his younger days and towards the end of his life, he was delirious, very afraid and paranoid. Before he took his last breath, he said he saw my deceased grandma and she is here to take him away. But he was scared and my step-grandma said he did not want to leave.
I never did pay much respect to both of them even if my Grandma alter's in JB in my house. Her ashes are in Penang, in one of the temples there and her spiritual remains in Sin Hong Moh, my grandfather's shop. I heard her once when we stayed there during one of my holidays in Secondary School. It was such a wierd experience for me. She was a Nonya and she wore cork slippers all the time. I woke up in the night at 2-ish in the morning and couldn't sleep from the heat. My family members were all around me. Then I heard the sound of corks on hard wood. It was distinct and loud just along the corridor outside the room. It went back and forth, back and forth for a long time. I was frightened. I kept on praying and tried to wake my sisters up but none of them stirred. I was immobolized. I knew it must be her then.
The sound always stopped for a minute or so outside our bedroom door as if hesitating and then continued. I thought to myself how I would react if I actually saw my grandma coming into the room. It went on till the first break of dawn at 4am when the roosters crow, and it fell silent again. It was unbelievable. I knew she must have wanted to see us but I also know she did not want to spook me so she was just prancing up and down outside. I told my mum the first thing she woke up and she comforted me in saying that I should be brave as she is my kin and she will never hurt me. Now, thinking about this still sends mixed emotions through me. I know how kind-hearted my grandma was when she was alive. At her funeral, all the beggars in town came to pay their respects as it was her who gave selflessly all the time. But alas, she was too superstitious and she believed she would lived up to a ripe 80 years when she fell prey to breast cancer at 50 and was in the last incurable stage when she finally relented and sought medical help. I do not know her personally but I know it was superstition that killed her.
Now I have 2 maternal grandparents left. I know they will be here for a long time and I loved them dearly especially my grandma. She is my inspiration, my guide in life and I truely treasure her. They are much luckier people because they know how much we all love them and the extend to which we would go to make them happy. I always feel I'm so much more fortunate because I have fond memories of 3 of my grandparents compared to some others who have none. They run in my blood and I am proud of them and contented with my heritage.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Fireflies
I have proved my conjuncture right. Unless you peel away the shields of a person bit by bit, shreds by shreds, you cannot tell what lays beneath nor can you possibly judge how he/she is. Actions are simply fierce reflexes of emotions. It bears no truth and it is not a reason in itself. Reason is etched in the inner being, it is a struggle of forces of right and wrong, gulit and remorse, shame and dignity leading to immense flurry of outbursts.
I have been a victim of some of my own choices and have paid some very hefty and nasty prices to redeem myself. I understand perfectly a person who have gone through the same emotional turmoil, yet find no comfort because the very crux of the problem is themselves. They have willingly lay themselves down in the lion's lair, they have unwittingly set up the very traps for themselves to be captivated and bounded in. I am but the same. To err is human and I do not believe that life is something that we should feel burdened by, instead we should be holding our heads high and claim the consequences of the choices that we have made. How easy would it have been for someone to say they have done their duty in life in the comfort of loving words, surrounded by bliss and good fortune? Yet, the more courageous and respectable few would be to carry out the same ball and chain under a more vicious environment, marred with numerous misunderstandings, pain and malicious gossips.
I do not believe that mistakes cannot be reversed. It can and it will be. The only difference is whether you have the ability to make that change, the first move to make the first run from the predator's hideout. I have done the same. If a relationship is not working anymore and you know that it is not, you cut the cord. You call it quits. You have been cut, all over and you are bleeding profusely but yet you choose to stand on the same spot while you allow the hackings to continue on your body. Would you still make ths same choice if you were actually caught captive and staring in the face of a cold blooded murderer? You see yourself in 2 different situations, but they are one and the same. The former an emotional condition and the latter a physical plight. But then you do hesitate because someone else's emotional well-being is dependent on your decision. If that is the case, cut your losses. You know what the outcome will be, you are a smart person. If you can weigh out the benefits and the possiblity of picking up the shambles again and decide the route which you want to take, take it. Do it with certainty and with pride, with unfaltering determination and honesty. Remember this is the redemption that you are making for your past mistake, so let it not deepen the wrong.
To stand strong sometimes is hard. You can search for the right people to talk to but the right people may not stand by what you do. I am not trying to be a religious person but I always tell my partner that nobody can judge the better of you except God. He sees who you really are and he decides whether you rise or fall. I have a friend who tells me this and he is a wise person " If you are drowning and a lifeguard comes in to your rescue but you continually kick and struggle against his grip, and you are pulling him down into the waters against the raging waves. What does he do? He cuts his losses. He will shake your grip from his and let you sink if the situation is dire and calls for it. They cannot sink with you. This is not a case of morality. It is the fact of life" Now, think about this. Do you want to continue to sink with a person whom you know is unworthy and who doesn't belong in your life? Do you think that for a slightest moment that if you let go of his/her hand, you can somehow breathe fresh air again? Then go ahead and try letting go. Try with all your might and don't look back. The past is done, the hurt has been experienced, the criticisms have been made and endured and now is the time to untie your knot, hold it by a thread and let it drift away.
Everyone has the room to make mistakes. No one is perfect. But not everyone has the courage to make the right choices once some mistakes have been made. It is an irksome cycle. Yet soemtimes, just sometimes, be hard-hearted, just like what I was before. Be independent and know you can survive on your own. Be compassionate to the person that you truely love because if you made a wrong decision and yet you remain in pain, you will not be a complete person for him/her.
"Like fireflies, when the night is dark and dim, shine your light brilliantly and take flight once again...."
I have been a victim of some of my own choices and have paid some very hefty and nasty prices to redeem myself. I understand perfectly a person who have gone through the same emotional turmoil, yet find no comfort because the very crux of the problem is themselves. They have willingly lay themselves down in the lion's lair, they have unwittingly set up the very traps for themselves to be captivated and bounded in. I am but the same. To err is human and I do not believe that life is something that we should feel burdened by, instead we should be holding our heads high and claim the consequences of the choices that we have made. How easy would it have been for someone to say they have done their duty in life in the comfort of loving words, surrounded by bliss and good fortune? Yet, the more courageous and respectable few would be to carry out the same ball and chain under a more vicious environment, marred with numerous misunderstandings, pain and malicious gossips.
I do not believe that mistakes cannot be reversed. It can and it will be. The only difference is whether you have the ability to make that change, the first move to make the first run from the predator's hideout. I have done the same. If a relationship is not working anymore and you know that it is not, you cut the cord. You call it quits. You have been cut, all over and you are bleeding profusely but yet you choose to stand on the same spot while you allow the hackings to continue on your body. Would you still make ths same choice if you were actually caught captive and staring in the face of a cold blooded murderer? You see yourself in 2 different situations, but they are one and the same. The former an emotional condition and the latter a physical plight. But then you do hesitate because someone else's emotional well-being is dependent on your decision. If that is the case, cut your losses. You know what the outcome will be, you are a smart person. If you can weigh out the benefits and the possiblity of picking up the shambles again and decide the route which you want to take, take it. Do it with certainty and with pride, with unfaltering determination and honesty. Remember this is the redemption that you are making for your past mistake, so let it not deepen the wrong.
To stand strong sometimes is hard. You can search for the right people to talk to but the right people may not stand by what you do. I am not trying to be a religious person but I always tell my partner that nobody can judge the better of you except God. He sees who you really are and he decides whether you rise or fall. I have a friend who tells me this and he is a wise person " If you are drowning and a lifeguard comes in to your rescue but you continually kick and struggle against his grip, and you are pulling him down into the waters against the raging waves. What does he do? He cuts his losses. He will shake your grip from his and let you sink if the situation is dire and calls for it. They cannot sink with you. This is not a case of morality. It is the fact of life" Now, think about this. Do you want to continue to sink with a person whom you know is unworthy and who doesn't belong in your life? Do you think that for a slightest moment that if you let go of his/her hand, you can somehow breathe fresh air again? Then go ahead and try letting go. Try with all your might and don't look back. The past is done, the hurt has been experienced, the criticisms have been made and endured and now is the time to untie your knot, hold it by a thread and let it drift away.
Everyone has the room to make mistakes. No one is perfect. But not everyone has the courage to make the right choices once some mistakes have been made. It is an irksome cycle. Yet soemtimes, just sometimes, be hard-hearted, just like what I was before. Be independent and know you can survive on your own. Be compassionate to the person that you truely love because if you made a wrong decision and yet you remain in pain, you will not be a complete person for him/her.
"Like fireflies, when the night is dark and dim, shine your light brilliantly and take flight once again...."
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Extract from my previous blog....
It amazes me how much pain a woman can bear in her mortal lifetime and yet still able to strode on even when her heart’s throbbing in agony and bleeding or soul’s stripped bare. Even when she’s reduced to nothingness, just detritus of flesh…
I see her strength in everything and her capacity to withstand twinge of anguish and torment from anyone, everyone. I see women maintaining their unfaltering loyalty to their cheating partners and to them they display their mildest temperament even when they are drowning in torment, in grief. I see them coaxing their children with unwavering love and tenderness only to be turned away as an old hag or yelled at whenever the situation’s "deemed fit".
I see her in the labour room alone, frightened and small, the only encouragement muttered from her own lips whilst her other half has taken flight, not wanting to be bogged down by the tantalizing bundle of responsibilities. I visualize her crying, hugging herself to sleep every night and shaking uncontrollably even in the heat of the night, lamenting and blaming herself for the failed marriage. I imagine what it’s like to put on a brave front, a face of bliss and be convinced how happy a relationship is when it’s already shattering like a broken glass and falling into shambles…
I admire women not because I am one. I admire women simply because they possess immense strength and most of whom I know have gritted their teeth and gone through the hardships, still burning inside. Yet, not once have they bowed their heads, throw their hands up and just walk away. No, they stay rooted to whatever calamities and adversities that come their way. They continued to wear their hearts out on their sleeves even when there’s a high chance of being trampled upon.
That’s how I see them and I wonder sometimes, how we survived it all. How can one pull through after being stabbed a million times, torn apart and put back together again, and cried, oh yes, cried countless tears in the darkest nights?? But those I know have and I did too and we continue to share the same afflictions of a woman, the one cruel fate that we can never change…
I see her strength in everything and her capacity to withstand twinge of anguish and torment from anyone, everyone. I see women maintaining their unfaltering loyalty to their cheating partners and to them they display their mildest temperament even when they are drowning in torment, in grief. I see them coaxing their children with unwavering love and tenderness only to be turned away as an old hag or yelled at whenever the situation’s "deemed fit".
I see her in the labour room alone, frightened and small, the only encouragement muttered from her own lips whilst her other half has taken flight, not wanting to be bogged down by the tantalizing bundle of responsibilities. I visualize her crying, hugging herself to sleep every night and shaking uncontrollably even in the heat of the night, lamenting and blaming herself for the failed marriage. I imagine what it’s like to put on a brave front, a face of bliss and be convinced how happy a relationship is when it’s already shattering like a broken glass and falling into shambles…
I admire women not because I am one. I admire women simply because they possess immense strength and most of whom I know have gritted their teeth and gone through the hardships, still burning inside. Yet, not once have they bowed their heads, throw their hands up and just walk away. No, they stay rooted to whatever calamities and adversities that come their way. They continued to wear their hearts out on their sleeves even when there’s a high chance of being trampled upon.
That’s how I see them and I wonder sometimes, how we survived it all. How can one pull through after being stabbed a million times, torn apart and put back together again, and cried, oh yes, cried countless tears in the darkest nights?? But those I know have and I did too and we continue to share the same afflictions of a woman, the one cruel fate that we can never change…
"The shadows of the night engulfed,
My mind a deranged pit,
Dreams like tangled cobwebs,
They tossed and thrust within…
All thoughts in fumbling attempt to recollect and tempt,
Like Ghost Whisperers their murmurs swift and rampant,
With cold grasps, making me plunge in the depths of the past
Here I’m submerged, in blood-curling waters
The memories exploring haunting and gripping corners
My heart’s being ripped incessantly, forcefully…
And then it stopped abruptly
In a single instant, I stopped believing… " Trish' Dec 2006
hmm....
I am still sick...What a way to start an article. I was fine yesterday night after recuperating from my tummy upset and on the way to bed when the room started spinning erratic and then all hell broke loose...I threw up, actually more than once, 5 times to be precise. No, I am not pregnant. It'd have been a better reason than suffering from an unknown illness. I have had similar tummy problems on and off for the past 3 years now. Had been for an endoscopy, gastroscopy, colonoscopy, ultrasound...virtually everything and I am fine. And yet this issue keeps cropping up. I must be over-reactive to Pariet, the medication that I was taking yesterday to soothe the disconcrted tummy. It was barely an hour and a half before I felt really sick and my mind began to reel. Oh well, all shall be revealed soon anyway...
On a lighter note, I am feeling overjoyed that I am still "in the loop" and much in contact with my friends back home. Facebook is a really good avenue to keep in touch with lost friends and I have found a few since the last month. Some friendships can survive the distance and I am happy to say mine can. It's really amazing how people change and everyone of us has come a long way since primary, secondary, college and university years. Sometimes, it's fun to reminisce those golden years. I have not been an exceptionally bright student but I have been lucky to survive the agony of 21 years of education. Or was it more??
Somehow, I find it amusing to think how early I have to wake up for school in Singapore when I was in primary. 4am! How ridiculous is that?! I can't blame it entirely on my bus driver who decided I would be the first few to be picked up on his route. The main rational was, I took an hour to munch (while nodding off) on my breakfast. I was a painfully slow eater. I am still the same. I can still recall my aunt saying " Since your dad's in the construction business, why don't you ask him to do something to help expand your food passageway so you can finish your food faster??" Quirky, very quirky....but perhaps she was right after all. The only thing my dad did helped me in was pinching the bridge of my nose everyday for 8 years to make sure it wasn't going to grow flat. Very clever... :)
There were many interesting things along the way when I was growing up. I had a huge crush on a guy when I was in Secondary. He was not the smartest but I found him to be irressistably desirable. Those began the times when I would sit in the rain (mind you, it's not a drizzle) to watch his basketball game and sometimes just enjoying the sight of him practicing. But I must have given the wrong impresssion to his team-mates because I caught the attention of the Captain instead and he started fancying me! Funny why he would be interested in someone as tiny as me. He was a hulk compared to me, standing at 190cm tall! But he was lean and he was a looker. I never did gave him a chance though because my heart was someplace else. I sometimes wonder what the outcome would be if I did? I did however chanced upon him 3 years back at one of the MRT stations in Singapore and quite frankly, we were both abashed and I left, red-faced in a separate direction. I think I must have ran awkwardly funny because I can see from the corner of my eye he had curved up a cheeky smile. Well, what did you expect? Afterall, he was still a charm and I was looking like rags after a tiring day. Laughable!
Fast forward to now. Much have changed and gone were those simple days. My career, mortgage, marriage and everything else are what take up most of my waking hours. The only time when I can actually stop thinking and start dreaming is when I am reading. Reading on the train, reading at lunch-time, reading on weekends...They take me away from this paper-chase society - Hail! Money o'Mighty!
On a lighter note, I am feeling overjoyed that I am still "in the loop" and much in contact with my friends back home. Facebook is a really good avenue to keep in touch with lost friends and I have found a few since the last month. Some friendships can survive the distance and I am happy to say mine can. It's really amazing how people change and everyone of us has come a long way since primary, secondary, college and university years. Sometimes, it's fun to reminisce those golden years. I have not been an exceptionally bright student but I have been lucky to survive the agony of 21 years of education. Or was it more??
Somehow, I find it amusing to think how early I have to wake up for school in Singapore when I was in primary. 4am! How ridiculous is that?! I can't blame it entirely on my bus driver who decided I would be the first few to be picked up on his route. The main rational was, I took an hour to munch (while nodding off) on my breakfast. I was a painfully slow eater. I am still the same. I can still recall my aunt saying " Since your dad's in the construction business, why don't you ask him to do something to help expand your food passageway so you can finish your food faster??" Quirky, very quirky....but perhaps she was right after all. The only thing my dad did helped me in was pinching the bridge of my nose everyday for 8 years to make sure it wasn't going to grow flat. Very clever... :)
There were many interesting things along the way when I was growing up. I had a huge crush on a guy when I was in Secondary. He was not the smartest but I found him to be irressistably desirable. Those began the times when I would sit in the rain (mind you, it's not a drizzle) to watch his basketball game and sometimes just enjoying the sight of him practicing. But I must have given the wrong impresssion to his team-mates because I caught the attention of the Captain instead and he started fancying me! Funny why he would be interested in someone as tiny as me. He was a hulk compared to me, standing at 190cm tall! But he was lean and he was a looker. I never did gave him a chance though because my heart was someplace else. I sometimes wonder what the outcome would be if I did? I did however chanced upon him 3 years back at one of the MRT stations in Singapore and quite frankly, we were both abashed and I left, red-faced in a separate direction. I think I must have ran awkwardly funny because I can see from the corner of my eye he had curved up a cheeky smile. Well, what did you expect? Afterall, he was still a charm and I was looking like rags after a tiring day. Laughable!
Fast forward to now. Much have changed and gone were those simple days. My career, mortgage, marriage and everything else are what take up most of my waking hours. The only time when I can actually stop thinking and start dreaming is when I am reading. Reading on the train, reading at lunch-time, reading on weekends...They take me away from this paper-chase society - Hail! Money o'Mighty!
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Iffy Proposition
I am sick. I am not sure why but I can feel my body giving way and my tummy churning every morning when I wake up and in the nights. So here I am, sitting up on my bed, checking through my emails and writing this whilst waiting for my doctor's appointment to arrive. It's not a perfect story to tell but well, you've got to be honest even when you are down in the dumps, don't you?
Yesterday during lunch, I read an article on Yahoo Australia of the top 10 hottest vacation spots people go to for 2 weeks of volunteer work. This immediately evoked my deepest sentiments and I regretted not informed of this sooner or we would have booked our next flight to Peru or South Africa instead because it cost as much going to Rome and Italy. I have more than once mentioned to my partner that the best thing that we can do when we retire is to travel around doing volunteer work. I am not a saint by nature but I hope to be more of a giver.
I like finding strength in others. Especially helpless people who are bounded by ill-fate and the chains of society. I am a free person, and I have my own right. If that is the difference between us, why can't I hope for sunrise tomorrow like they do?? And I start to appreciate things and people around me. I always make a mental note to tell people how I feel everyday of my life, to caution my hubby when he's on the roads, to utter a word of thanks in every little thing he does for me, like bringing the dog in, setting the bed or even just making a doctor's appointment for me. It's the simplest things that you can do to make a difference in your life.
Some lives are destined to be led and some you can't choose because you are powerless and dependent on the choices of others. But at the end of the day, if you are special in just one single person's heart, you have satisfied a paramount need in your life...
Yesterday during lunch, I read an article on Yahoo Australia of the top 10 hottest vacation spots people go to for 2 weeks of volunteer work. This immediately evoked my deepest sentiments and I regretted not informed of this sooner or we would have booked our next flight to Peru or South Africa instead because it cost as much going to Rome and Italy. I have more than once mentioned to my partner that the best thing that we can do when we retire is to travel around doing volunteer work. I am not a saint by nature but I hope to be more of a giver.
I like finding strength in others. Especially helpless people who are bounded by ill-fate and the chains of society. I am a free person, and I have my own right. If that is the difference between us, why can't I hope for sunrise tomorrow like they do?? And I start to appreciate things and people around me. I always make a mental note to tell people how I feel everyday of my life, to caution my hubby when he's on the roads, to utter a word of thanks in every little thing he does for me, like bringing the dog in, setting the bed or even just making a doctor's appointment for me. It's the simplest things that you can do to make a difference in your life.
Some lives are destined to be led and some you can't choose because you are powerless and dependent on the choices of others. But at the end of the day, if you are special in just one single person's heart, you have satisfied a paramount need in your life...
*Desiderare*
I have a long time stopped writing because I wasn't using friendster as much as before. Today I had the chance to read what I wrote in the past and it was like a sudden rush..I actually cannot remember what I have written. It was like reading someone else's stories, bit by bit, my memories drifted back, like tangled cobwebs frayed.
I always seek to writing when words failed me. I remember I had a diary when I was in my high school years. Boy, those pages held more secrets than I can tell in one lifetime. They were my bolster, my thoughts and dreams. I had the best nights snuggling in bed with it, under the covers with a torchlight just writing away, about my first crush, my first love, my break-ups, my failing grades, my best friends, my favourite pastimes, the childish squabbles with my mum...there were so many I do not know where to start. And yet they are still tucked away lovingly at the back of my head and within the deepest place of my heart. They are what made me into who I am today and I am thankful for them.
I am a flamboyant individual, I am never lost for words, but I can never reveal my inner secrets either if it meant hurting the people I care so dearly for. I have covet some things that are not meant to be mine but I have also masterfully disguise my desire and gave excellent reasons to dismiss them. It's when words can help me convey what my human lips cannot bring themselves to say...
I woke up the past few mornings feeling irritable and tetchy. I did not feel like getting out of bed. A sudden revelation hit me: I miss home terribly...I miss the dusty airs and the noise of traffics, the dawn prayers from the mosque, the clatter of old scooters on the streets, just about anything really, that reminds me of home. I crave for the familiar surroundings, to be with my childhood friends, to sit around the TV with my family after dinner...even to see familiar faces on my way to work in Singapore...I cannot believe I actually miss working in Singapore's rat-cooker and I now know why people say that "when the mind is wrought, desperate situations seek desperate measures..."I must be really at the end of my rope to think something like that..
Everyday for the past few days have been a drag for me. I have been trying to remain upbeat for the sake of making my life more pleasurable than it is and looking forward to my upcoming trip to Rome and then in September to Malaysia. I am counting down the days..months to September. I cannot wait. My senses are becoming non-realistic. I want to abondon it all and return home pronto. Yet, I have so many strings attached. I envy my friends back home, who are able to see one another so often, who are incline to meet up as they pleased and merry-make all they like. The friends that I can really confide in are back home and sometimes after chatting to them on the phone, I wish to tear away the barricade and converse with them face to face.
I have gained some and lost much. I do hope that one day I can retreat to the place I truely belong and reunite with the people whom I truely love once again...
I always seek to writing when words failed me. I remember I had a diary when I was in my high school years. Boy, those pages held more secrets than I can tell in one lifetime. They were my bolster, my thoughts and dreams. I had the best nights snuggling in bed with it, under the covers with a torchlight just writing away, about my first crush, my first love, my break-ups, my failing grades, my best friends, my favourite pastimes, the childish squabbles with my mum...there were so many I do not know where to start. And yet they are still tucked away lovingly at the back of my head and within the deepest place of my heart. They are what made me into who I am today and I am thankful for them.
I am a flamboyant individual, I am never lost for words, but I can never reveal my inner secrets either if it meant hurting the people I care so dearly for. I have covet some things that are not meant to be mine but I have also masterfully disguise my desire and gave excellent reasons to dismiss them. It's when words can help me convey what my human lips cannot bring themselves to say...
I woke up the past few mornings feeling irritable and tetchy. I did not feel like getting out of bed. A sudden revelation hit me: I miss home terribly...I miss the dusty airs and the noise of traffics, the dawn prayers from the mosque, the clatter of old scooters on the streets, just about anything really, that reminds me of home. I crave for the familiar surroundings, to be with my childhood friends, to sit around the TV with my family after dinner...even to see familiar faces on my way to work in Singapore...I cannot believe I actually miss working in Singapore's rat-cooker and I now know why people say that "when the mind is wrought, desperate situations seek desperate measures..."I must be really at the end of my rope to think something like that..
Everyday for the past few days have been a drag for me. I have been trying to remain upbeat for the sake of making my life more pleasurable than it is and looking forward to my upcoming trip to Rome and then in September to Malaysia. I am counting down the days..months to September. I cannot wait. My senses are becoming non-realistic. I want to abondon it all and return home pronto. Yet, I have so many strings attached. I envy my friends back home, who are able to see one another so often, who are incline to meet up as they pleased and merry-make all they like. The friends that I can really confide in are back home and sometimes after chatting to them on the phone, I wish to tear away the barricade and converse with them face to face.
I have gained some and lost much. I do hope that one day I can retreat to the place I truely belong and reunite with the people whom I truely love once again...
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