I was expecting our 4th child. I was thrilled! I was due April 26th. What a happy fresh time to have a newborn! I had a typical rough first trimester with lots and lots of nausea and zero energy. I ate weird and felt moody. 12 weeks hit and I started to feel a lot better. We told our families. The kids were excited. We talked often about the development and size of the baby inside of me. We made guesses as to weather the baby was a boy or a girl. I announced the wonderful news to all my friends and neighbors. A friend close to my age who I serve in the Relief Society presidency with told me she was expecting a baby on the very same day! Treavor and I went to Mexico as an early anniversary celebration, because we wouldn't be able to travel in March. We spent much of our vacation discussing how very blessed we are with healthy children and one on the way. We almost bought a cradle to present on Christmas morning in preparation for our new addition. I felt lots of movement and growth. I was excitedly and nervously anticipating a new baby.
Wednesday December 9th marked 20 weeks of pregnancy and we were scheduled to have an ultrasound. Treavor and I went in early in the morning excited to check on our sweet baby. Thats when we were given the shocking news that there was no heart beat. We had lost our baby and I have never felt such pain. I was informed that the baby was big enough that I would have to deliver and that I would be induced that day. The fear hit me like a ton of bricks. I just did not believe, that emotionally I would be able to give birth that day. I couldn't do it. I could't have a baby that wasn't alive. That couldn't go home with me and stay with me. With my strong, faithful husband by my side, through lots of prayers and a beautiful blessing given by him, I was sustained. There were countless blessings and small miracles that took place that day. In fear of going into too much detail or taking days to record this, I'll just give a tiny glimpse of the tender mercy that abounded. My mom was able to be with me that day. I needed her so badly. The Dr. who I love and trust so much happened to be on call and was with me often. The nurses were amazing and smart and gentle and informative and sensitive.
at 8:35 a beautiful baby boy was born. He was 10 ounces and 9 inches long. I was overwhelmed at the intense love I felt for him. A little soul I had never met and I loved him with all of my heart. He was ours in every way. He looked like our other kids. I will never forget his perfect face and little body. He had Lewies' toes exactly. His spirit was very present and I felt his love for me. As I watched Treavor weep over the loss of a son. I felt our baby near. I felt his love for his dad who adores and has such a strong connection with each of his sons.
George is the name of my Grandpa Bell and a name I have always loved. Treavor felt that it was perfect for our baby's "strong, calm spirit". I was hesitant and felt incapable of naming a perfect angel. At one point in the evening I was filling out a paper and where it said "name of baby" I wrote "George" it felt perfect and inspired and exactly what it should be. His middle name is after Treavor's great grandfather James Edwin.
This day was heartbreaking and the hardest of my life and at the same time so very beautiful. I have never felt my Heavenly Father's love for me like I did that day. Our little hospital room was quiet and reverent and felt like heaven in a way. I have never needed Christ's atonement and resurrection more personally. I have never loved and needed my husband more than this time in our lives. I have learned more about love and family and friendship than the rest of my 30 years combined. I have learned that Heavenly Father Doesn't give us more than we can bear and that he sustains us when we need him. I have thought long and hard about the pain that my Savior felt in the garden of gethsemane and that he knows exactly how my heart aches for my sweet baby George. I have gained a new perspective in lots of areas of my life and the eternities.
I have learned to never, ever wonder if people want to hear from me when they are grieving. We were showered with visits, hugs, phone calls, text messages, letters, meals, treats, flowers and gifts. Every single time someone made an effort to show their love in ANY way, it meant the world to me. I knew I could make it day to day, if I just kept feeling the love of people around me.
I had a particularly hard day about a week after George's birth. I sat on my couch looking at all the bouquets that had died and needed to be thrown away. It broke my heart that it was getting farther away. that the people around me seemed to be getting back to normal life. I said a prayer for strength. I asked Heavenly Father to help me to continue to feel all this love, even though the flowers were going to be gone, I needed to know that the prayers and love weren't. Minutes after my prayer and before I even felt the strength to dispose of the flowers, there was a knock at my door. It was my sweet neighbor with a lasagna. She hugged me and cried tears of pain and sadness. She was mourning with me and bearing my burden. She was a beautiful instrument in God's hand.
The very next morning, a fresh, colorful, fragrant bouquet was delivered from my aunt. People are so kind and inspired.
Every moment is different. There is a huge range of emotions I have experienced since that special day of December 9th. Mostly I am feeling very grateful that I was able to cary that angel baby for 20 weeks. I'm so blessed to be his mommy and to have experienced what I have. Life is hard and painful and full of lots of lessons, but wonderful and so very beautiful.
These little molds of his hands and feet bring me lots of joy every day. They really were the cutest hands and feet.
A print by my dear friend Lauren.
We've grown together as a little family. Owen was very tearful when we told him the sad news. Lewis had lots of questions and Kit said "daugge" for George in the softest, cutest voice. We've talked about how we have an angel in our family. Owen was running around the house looking for a toy and yelled out "George help me find it!" They pray with gratitude that they'll live with they're brother George someday.
I learn daily from their faith.
What a very blessed mama I am.
