Sunday, February 20, 2005
goodbye to you.. just for now. mama died today. 2.45am LA time.. 6.45pm Singapore time. I was trying to do my bio tutorial when the phone rang. I was writing a word and I jumped and my pen nearly went across the paper onto my desk. When I heard mom's voice I just wanted to sink down and die. I remember I froze.. then I just cried and cried. But mama died peacefully.. it was in her sleep. And everyone was there. All the cousins.. all her children. She died with the people she loved the most around her.. and she died in her sleep. God has so much grace.. He gave her a death that everyone wants to have.
She had a dream. She told mom who told me. She called them and said she had a story to tell them. Mama said that she dreamt that she was going up. Then when she got to the top of where ever she was going, there were 2 people waitingfor her. They were all dressed in white robes and one of them had one for her. And they placed it on her. When askedwhether she was happy there, she said that she was very happy there.
Che is here now. She said that a few nights ago when she was praying.. maybe on the same day that mama had that dream, she had a vision. mama was standing. she had both her legs again. and there were all these people standing around her. although her face couldn't be seen, she knew that one of them had to be ah kong. and they were all getting ready.. kind of like a huge banquet to receive mama into the Kingdom of God. and it then flashed to another scene. God was seated on a throne.. and mama was kneeling before Him. And then He placed a crown on mama's head.. and He took her hand and led her around. Che prayed that God would help mama and to ease her fear. But according to her, mama looked so radiant and young and so happy. Reunited with those she hadn't seen in years.. like ah kong. When she told me about this, I just cried.
I feel so.. relieved that she's not suffering anymore. And that she's being taken care of by God. He has answered our prayers and mama is happy. She's probably smiling down now.. I wish I could see her again.. maybe in a vision.
Che, Eunice and I were just remembering some stuff with mama.. all the fond memories. To mama, I love you so much and I will see you again one day..
2:18 AM
Saturday, February 12, 2005
mama is in hospital again.. this time it's serious. her kidneys have completely failed. where am i? here.. away from her.. more like a few thousand miles away. I feel so helpless.. i wish i could do something that would.. i don't know.. ease her pain. mom told me.. it's not so much that she's scared of dying. she's scared that she'll miss us too much once she's gone. mom told me that before my great grandmother died.. as in mama's mom, mama told her to go and not to worry about the family. one week later she died. if only it was that simple. i don't want her to suffer anymore.. but i don't want her to go either. this afternoon it was ok.. kuku ronald called and said that her dialysis was ok. i was so relieved i cried.. then on my way home, i called mom to see how things were and mom said it was bad. at 2am LA time, mama called toet and jeet to go to the hospital. mom's flying off tomorrow morning at 5am. i bought something for mama today. it's psalm 23 carved onto a rock the shape of a cross.
"the Lord is my shepherd. i shall not be in want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, He leads me beside quiet waters, He restores my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness for His name's sake. even though i walk through the valley of the shadow of death, i will fear no eveil, for You are with me; Your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. surely goodness and love will follow me all the day of my life, and i will dwell in the house of the Lord forever." psalm 23
I have a rabbit.. a stuffed one. one that mama gave me when i was born. i realised that i haven't held it in a while. it's really cute.. it's white and is wearing green overalls. mom is talking to che.. talking about what mama loves to eat. the bengawan solo colourful cake.. the colourful kuay lapis thing? yup. and the keropok. mama loves eating that. mom's gonna buy a lot for mama.. let her eat. honestly, i don't think i'll ever see mama again.. i should have treasured the time i spent with her last year. ever since she got her leg amputated, things have been so different. i remember everytime i went over before, the day i arrived, she would ALWAYS cook me sayur masin soup and chap chye and cha ma you. It was always these 3 dishes the night i arrived, with rice of course. and it was always hot because i always went in winter.
when she was baptised, che was suggesting that her baptism name be Judy.. because judy means gamble in malay.. and mama likes to gamble. she was so happy whenever she went to las vegas. she would sit at the 5cent slot machine with a HUGE contained of nickels and just put in a coin, pull the lever, then put in another one and pull the lever..
There was also another time when a lot of people were in the kitchen, mama wheeled in. and when no one was looking, she quickly koped a container of pineapple tarts and tried to wheel away as fast as possible but kuku ronald saw her and took the pineapple tarts before she could get out of the kitchen and mama said "that's mine!!" then last year, i was in the kitchen with her and she opened this container of chocolate coated caramel pecans. then she started poking the thing and started commenting on how soft it was and how disgusting. before i knew it, she bit off a huge chunk of it and started munching on it.
the year she got her leg amputated, i remember asking mom before i went to visit her "am i still going to get to eat the food?" and she said that mama couldn't even reach the stove to cook. last year when i went, mama looked so old. i guess i should have known that it really is the end already. i just wish that i could see her one last time.. i would bring that rabbit to her and ask her whether she remembers giving it to me when i was born. and i would tell her i love her so much and that i'll miss her forever and that i will see her again one day. i wish i could see her one last time.. and that whatever happens, God will keep her safe always.
I love you ma...
9:04 PM
Wednesday, February 09, 2005
Hello just wanted to wish mama a happy 93rd birthday! yup yup my grandma is 93 today. I think the past few months have been pure hell for her though.. :( I really hope that she'll heal soon.
On Saturday, I had the BEST birthday celebration ever!! :) Band prac was fun as usual. I still think Mr. Oura is the cutest person alive. Then i went for lunch and paulee came over to my place and we studied for a while and then we went out. He brought me to Mt. Faber. Ok that's not it.. but then it was supposed to be a surprise. :) But I still managed to guess what it was. I'm SO pro *ego* anyway, he took me for cable car dining. It was really slow but the food was really nice. But of course the company was nicer. haha. When we were done, he was panicking a bit because we had to get off at Mt. Faber but he wanted to get off at harbourfront because he said he went to recki the place and found smthg really nice to do. So he asked the guy whether we could take the cable car to harbourfront. We met up with px because this was planned for the 2 of us. When we walked out, I saw all these people playing with sparklers and so I wanted to poke him and say "look.. sparklers!!" because for my birthday, as in on the actual day, he gave me 1 sparkler. Then these people started to run towards us and i was like "why are they running towards us?" then i realised that it was my batchmates!!! :) omg I love them so much! shen ye, lynette, paula, an min, jon and darryl were there. And they all had sparklers and were yelling happy birthday. Then we were making so much noise omg. Then these people were a bit bu shuang.. then they started playing with the whizzing sparklers next to us. :) but it was so sweet. I think that was definitely the best birthday i have ever had.
on the 1st, we went to swensens. got a free firehouse birthday sundae. so fun!! :) I got a bouquet of irises from my og. so sweet. :) I really love my jc life. i love my friends!!!!!!! my friends are definitely the coolest peopleon the face of this earth. haha. in class we got a few gp handouts. so toh qi asked me whether i was going to staple my worksheets, which i found rather odd.. so i opened my pencil case and there was a gift inside from her, toh qi and shermyn :)
to everyone, thanks for making my birthday this year so amazing and incredible. love you all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
8:59 PM